Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah…..the birthday….the simple acknowledgement that one was born and has lived..perhaps survived up until this point…

So far with all body parts intact and accounted for….

I stand now in fifty….seems like a big number…but honestly sixteen was bigger….

This is the first time since I was sixteen..that I am not being abused..no punches..no starvation…relative ease..if one was to compare…sort of like apples to kiwis…..

This is the first birthday that I have not faced with trepidation..in wonder of what the day will bring..what cost will be paid..to say I survived another year…

This is the first year…all my own…able to do what I wish…and I wish to do nothing…odd…perhaps…

I wish to sit back this birthday..and notice that I am free…not engaged in a battle of self esteem that is not mine to conquer….

I am not indebted to any man…no one controls where I lay my head…or the food I eat…it is my cue cards that operate my day…and honestly..they change frequently…

It is the sixth year my children have not acknowledged my existence…let alone my birthday….to them…the grown men..I am the crazy one…the one who did not like to be called names or to be hit…

There are no mysteries to conquer…no clues to figure out…

I read the books I choose…glance at the magazines….and debate between…French Vanilla creamer versus…Carmel…..tough decisions…

I do not wonder whether I will eat…or be punished for expressing a thought…and for that..there is something to celebrate…

Here are a few more..that make this fiftieth birthday…a moment to give pause with….

It has been eleven years since the ex..abuser struck me…

It has been six years since my children..my sons..laid hands on me….

It has been a little over two years since I have gone without food…

It has been three months..where I have chosen to lay my head…

It has been fifty years of gentle reminders of the beauty..compassion of God….

It has been a complete year..where I have spoken truths…and not hidden from fear…

And it has been days…wonderment..glances in the mirror…to see lines..crinkles in the corners of the eyes…furrows in the brow…

From the latest law book I am reading….thoughts that come across this amazing mind…astonishment that I have lived to see this day….and age..marching across my face…and thinking…finally age meets experience….

It is my birthday….

And I am thinking…a doughnut with the coffee… a burger with onion rings…and no cake..no fancy party…and maybe some cheesy sitcom…while sitting in my pajamas….

It will be memorable..it will be one to smile…it will be one to take in everything…

I am free…standing…speaking…loving…

I am not looking back..and not doing tomorrow…

I am doing right now…

Even if I am sitting in the pajamas…feet up on the table..wondering how many doughnuts can I eat today…

And realizing…this is not just about today…it is my choice..everything…

And I get to decide this….by me….

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 14, 2012.

3 Responses to “Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  1. Wow — I am so sorry to hear you have had so many struggles in your life. It sounds like you are on a new path now, and quite appreciative of it, and of even the little things in life, like choosing between creamers. I wish you many more years such as this one, or even brighter, and of course, Happy Birthday!

    Like

  2. Praise God for Freedom! Happy Birthday!

    Like

  3. happy late birthday 🙂

    Like

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