Day 13…Create…

Today my creation was a different thought pattern….a different method to apply the events..words..happening around me.

I spent nearly..just a hair under four hours studying law…and for some reason it all clicks..

I tell myself after reading one part..that this will be it..this will be the last sentence read…yet I move on..and with each step forward..with each time I am able to incorporate..take in and understand some piece of knowledge…I smile..

Because I am doing something I am told is not for one my age..one from my background…one whom is sick with a neurological disease….not an emotional sap like me….

And that is part of my discovery…

I am really not emotional…I am actually logic based…so when someone does something so detrimental to themselves or another it tears at that…and hurts..because it makes no sense…and we realize that the one doing the damage cannot be trusted..so we break away..fragment ourselves..protect..and that is viewed as emotional…stupid..callous..mean…

I also discovered today…and quite possibly I knew it before today..it just did not seep into my awareness…my ability to take it in..until right now…today while studying…

That one will do anything…use any tactic to defend their evil..yes I did use the word evil…even lie..cheat..steal…

They will call another out..speak words such as..”you think your perfect”….

My answer to that has always been instant shame…instant of me thinking I am doing better…and lordy we do not want anyone to think they are doing well do we…..

My reply has always been pleading with them…to see my crappiness…my stupidity…

And I am done with that…

Because I am going to pat myself on the shoulder..swallow myself in a hug..and toot my horn…

Yeah..I am drug free…I look at it this way…I was given all the tools I need..to de-stress…to unwind..to handle my racing thoughts…and I use them….like prayer..talking to oneself…trusting me enough to figure out something else…

And here is where I preach….if you have to hide it….steal for it…lie about it…blame the government for it…or shame another person..or attempt to get them to use…you have a F***** up problem…

Not me..who will not get in the car with you..that you say does not effect your driving…

Not me..who tries to talk to a human being who has numbed themselves…and then goes and takes a dump on those they love…

So yes..in answer to your question..or shall I say statement..I do think I am better than that…

Because in truth..one cannot deal with this world..real…viable issues…when one makes a screen and distortions to feed the addiction…

So yes I learned today..that I am logical…and I look at events..words…actions…behavior..and I add them up…and sometimes I do not like what it adds up to be…and that is where the hurt comes in…

And I also learned today…and sadly to say I have had too much experience with this…that others will go to extreme..life threatening maneuvers to feed and keep alive their deception…

Funny…one would think..that all that work one has to do to lie..cheat..steal…would be exhausting…would be a reason to start living life…

Call me crazy… Call me an ass…but if I can handle childhood abuse…domestic violence for twenty years…trigeminal neuralgia…Parkinson’s…and fractures in my spine…without an addiction…then I think the pretty nice white boys and girls all grown up….can handle it too…

So spare me…excuses are running out…

And you are getting exactly what you asked for…alone…

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 4, 2012.

One Response to “Day 13…Create…”

  1. so excellent Mandy. Keep on studying .. you will be learning something new every day that you didn’t know before. Although Marilyn French wrote ‘A Woman’s Room’ in the 1970’s it is still so powerful and relevant. I think you would much enjoy it. I am re-reading it and am blown away ..

    Like

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