Day Three Create…and nother add on…

I walked today…first time in a bit..that my body would allow it….

Walking is like my time to journal… is for me…and like running used to be…

It is my time to undo the stress.figure out solutions..make things  match up…

So I took a walk…

I wanted to know..why…why I cannot seem to grasp who I am..it is like my identity is wrapped up in the whats of my life…

Like I would not be artistic…a writer..a seamstress…if I had an “easier” life…you know..somewhat normal…

Not abusive dad…abusive husband..abusive children…your life identified by what they said you were…because they wanted to keep you under lock and key..control…

Do not let the child hear praise because she won the spelling bee…or received a set of encyclopedias for her grades…

Do not let the wife..know she is an excellent cook..and knows how to love..and raise children well..despite having neither…..

Do not listen or think the mother has wisdom…when she tells her children..she will go to the depths of hell…to get them off drugs…and instead they punch her..and call her a prude…

These are the things I carry with me..all the time..sleep..awake..even in creating…and they color everything…yet…yet…yet..they are not me…

And that is the identity tag I wish could be removed…it would make this venture of seeing myself easier…

It would make the searching for the little girl who went away into the forest..easier…

These things..that deep inside I know are not true..cling to me..and flavor endeavors…even a walk down the street…

Because I think…I am wearing a sign..and it says…Failure…Prude…Loner…Are good for nothing…

And I do not want this definition of me..and seriously…I wish I had never married..nor had children…

Because how do you live with..I did my best..the finest work of my life…and this is how it turned out…

I know it will not happen..and I must step back into reality of some sort..yet it would be easier..easier on the soul..the being of us..

If I could look at me…without all those others standing in the way…

I am sure I will get hate mail for those statements…

So every day I create..because I want to find who I was..before all those people stepped in the way…

And yes..I would still be the artist…the seamstress..the writer…and yes the woman who sees sunshine every day….

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~ by HopeGlenn on September 19, 2012.

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