Yeah..I do not think so….not this time…

I knew I wanted to write…just could not put my finger on what it is I was supposed to say..

We have all had those moments…

When we knew our voice had to take flight..say the words inside..and we just did not know how to form them..

I have had..more than my share of sick..evil people…I guess I can call them sociopaths…but to me that is almost giving them an excuse…it seems more right..more flowing from the lips when I say what they really are..in layman’s terms and not medical..terms…

I keep doing this dance..and I look about me..and see many others doing the same dance…

We all are walking the tightrope across the chasm..with the rushing water and jagged rocks below us…

And I thought I was getting my unfair share of sicko’s..who knew…

It is not something we advertise…playing in the wrong field..ambling up to the wrong address…

Are friends tend to not be so available to us..not so forgiving..a little less trusting of us…

And I think I figured out why…and why they write books..and make movies about it..because near everyone has this adventure…

Ambling down the path…seeking acceptance and love..finding ourselves becoming a casualty..rather than a partner..companion..

It is the goodness of our hearts..the desire to love and be loved..the desire for another to see into our being..and yes..like it..perhaps it is asking too much..but to love us…

We do not expect the small cute directions at first are anything to notice..and we dismiss their shouts and gruffness..negligence off to low blood sugar..perhaps they did not have their coffee today…

And we begin the dance..across the ravine..trying real hard not to look at the rocks below…

Maybe if we caught a glance at them we would notice the rocks and think..why are they there…?

Yet in our politeness..we surrender our being over..and believe it is us…

Then one morning comes along…and we find ourselves covered in..excuse me..crap…

I am no longer going to sit and point the finger at myself..tearing myself into bite size pieces..chewable and easy to swallow…not this time..

It is time for the one involved to be doing all the answering…spend all the time in the spotlight…the one that has to explain…

Not me..and not my friends..and not those I barely knew..but can see the scared look in their eyes…

I will take responsibility..once I realized a game was being played against me..an act of horror was being played out like a great symphony…I will be the one to do whatever it takes to get safe..to get peace…

Yet I will not take responsibility for another’s actions..to harm another person(s)…

I will not be responsible for their drug use and the justifying of it because some authority that pays you lots of money..says you cannot use it…

I will not watch you lock your parents in a mental ward…and smile at you as they are slumped in a chair..saying this was best for them…

I will not allow you to tell another..especially myself how and if they can do anything..even how to breath…

I will require that everything you took from me..will be given back to me…

I will answer truthfully when they ask me questions..and did I know I was being drugged…I do now…

I will spend my days making sure I get away from you..that every connection..every strand is broken..

I will spend my days seeking peace and healing..not just for myself..but for many…because I will speak…I will not be silent…I was not made to be the huddling girl in the corner..

I was made to roar..

And I will stand with the others who did not fall on the jagged rocks..and we will connect hands..one by one..and healing..peace..love begins and is renewed…

And I will remember..and make it our slogan…

I have nothing to be ashamed of..I have done nothing wrong…not even loving you….

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~ by HopeGlenn on September 6, 2012.

2 Responses to “Yeah..I do not think so….not this time…”

  1. WOW!

    Like

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