Expendable..highly replaceable..

It was always lurking..back behind me..the thought lingering behind all those other thoughts..the one you pushed back..and said in a whisper..it was not true..yet it appears to truer than most anything I know..

I am expendable..replaceable..forgotten..burden..and I must live in it…every moment of every day…

Lies are spoken..things are twisted..so they suit the purpose..the intention of the one playing in the scene coming down right in front of you…

And one learns..figures out..that they must play along in some fashion..if they wish to survive..

The impossible has just happened..the..”they cannot do that’…the laws broken..morals thrown aside..ethics left long ago..promises spoken..are now reminders that hardly anyone keeps their word…

I watched..not really watched..fought like hell..as they took my home..given to me in my divorce..twelve years ago…violation of one contract..and then another..and then another..so many lies..so many shut their eyes..and walked along the path…

Now I understand the word homeless..something I was a number of years ago..yet I was younger and brash..and had faith in this world..now I am older..sick with a disease trapping me to this chair..homeless..and I must follow some rules I have no idea of what they are..and my faith in this world..which left me years ago…was replaced with faith in Love…God..Karma..

I know what these hands have brought forth..will be brought to me…and nobody can take it away..

Yet I am timid..wiser..and know I still must stand solid in faith..truth..no matter how any one likes or does not like..

I will not question what has been shown to be my direction..even when it feels unfamiliar..and so not what I am used to..

I have always been the caretaker..mess cleaner..and 99.9% were and are not my mess..and that is a hard one to look at..

Now is when I must trust…and allow myself to be cared for..doing what I can do..which is looking..researching..phone calls..asking questions..and realize that justice..karma..reap what you sow..comes in a form..I can barely recognize..

This life has not been easy..The path has been way too rocky for my taste..and I am fighting for my life right now…fighting for my body to keep functioning…fighting for my spine to keep holding me upright..while the disease rages on…

I must be me..despite all the chatter that I am silly..and I should be doing something else..

Homeless…forgotten..dismissed..

They said it would never happen to us…said it could not happen…

Hmmm..it appears to be sitting on our doorstep…

So who do I believe….?….the world…?….OR…the voice…the shaky whole voice inside of me..the one since I was one…the force..the energy..which has decided my life has value..and is not done..and that which this brain thought could never happen..and this heart could not comprehend..has happened…

And I will stay on this path..and not fall back onto this world…even if I am standing alone..and it seems like I have been thrown away..deserted…tossed aside…

Yet something tells me..I am not alone..and this path called living..has just begun…

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~ by HopeGlenn on August 13, 2012.

One Response to “Expendable..highly replaceable..”

  1. Congratulations on all of your achievements Mandy!

    Blessings and love, to you always my dear friend.

    *Jeannine

    “I can see you fly. You are an angel with wings, high above the ground!”
    (traditional haiku poem)

    Like

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