Who took my “easy” button….?

At this moment..I want the easy button…I want the one which makes it all okay..to just pack up a little bag..all filled with pink..of course..and just walk away…

Or suddenly the backdrop slips away and is replaced with a glowing sunset..perfect temperature..breeze swaying..like some tropical paradise…and all I have to focus on is..did I get strong enough sunscreen..and will all those fruity drinks..make my thighs bigger…

Yet I did not get that..the easy button..and in truth..I do not want it..I just want to make less decisions..you ever wish for that day..that moment..? ….when all one had to consider was what movie to watch after work..or which friend one might see…

Now life is filled with all the “if I do this”…this will happen…which is all fine and dandy..yet I wish everything was not all twisted and intertwined..all connected…

Leaving my home is a hard decision..in one sense..I will not be bum rushed out..and the universe will insure that anyway…I will walk away..by my own decision..my own power…

Yet if I stay..I continue to make it convenient for some individuals to wander by and catch a glance..and then go about their lives..while I swim around in the fishbowl..wondering when the next viewing is..and in a manner..give them clearance to never make amends…

Yet..this is my home..a place I have made my own..become comfortable in..especially with this disease alerting me everyday…that I am getting worse…gardens overflowing with flowers and produce..critters..dancing on the lawns..chewing on the morsels provided…

Yet this house still has a trace..which will never leave..of the memories of all the bad which happened here…there is only so much cleansing one can do of a space..life lingers whether bright and sunny..or dark and cloudy…in the corners..and at odd moments it peeks out..and requires attention…

Yet..this is the house..where I grew up..became a woman..claimed myself..defined myself..stepped into me..not that I was immature..and needed some straightening out…it is where I stopped defining myself through their eyes..and defined them through mine..quite a feat..quite an accomplishment…

Making this decision…and wondering where I will land..if I choose to go..is the hardest decision I will make…and I must do the dance..on the fence..for a long time…

The actions of the past will always be with me..just not rule me..

I will always be a mother..I will always have been a wife..I will always be a sister…I will always be a neighbor..and in each of these..whether good or bad…will always exist..

And I want the easy button..the one where someone else can provide me with the best scenario..and it is wrapped in a bow…

For me..it is like going on vacation…and then returning to life..reality…

All the time you were gone..you could pretend..that all the cake you ate..was not going to add on pounds you would have to walk it off..you could sleep in…and eat a leisurely breakfast of all those things we are told not to eat…and could continue back home…you hoped..like me..that the bathing suit you wore..with a body hitting fifty years..looked as good as the one in the beginning..you could remember the days when you caught the eye…

You could pretend..until the moment you pull into the driveway..and see the grass that needs mowing…weeds popping up..and the cooler filled with syrupy drinks needs emptying…and the easy button is gone…

Reality is..this decision will affect all about me..even those I do not think are paying attention..and most of all..it will change me..alter me..bring out a part of me I might not know is there…and maybe I can handle that unveiling..and perhaps not..perhaps the time for that is done..

Maybe I just discovered something..as I ambled along this page…I like me..like what I have become..or better stated…like that I have allowed myself to be me..and the definition of me..is truly coming from me..

Look I just found the “easy ” button….

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~ by HopeGlenn on July 12, 2012.

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