Who put that mirror there..?

I cannot stand this feeling..and then I do not want it to go away..I want to sit with it till “the cows come home”…and then I want to fling it off the cliff..and watch it crash into a million pieces on the rocks below…

It sucks..and then it feels great…

The feeling is this..as I sit with my coffee..most every morning..of course if I give myself the allowance of sitting..and relishing in that cup of coffee…

Feeling..I am being pulled in a direction..I call them..”the must do”..need to accomplish by a certain time..within a parameter..expectation…sucks..and why do I think it needs to be done..and why..?

If I do not do them..or accomplish them..whatever it is..doing the dishes..making something..dinner at a certain time..whatever..then I feel as if I am a failure..worth less..not worth anyone’s time or attention..and it only reinforces me doing the action to gain approval..for me feeling worth less..

Like a dog chasing their tail..blowing bubbles against a fan..cleaning the floor and having mud all across it the second you leave the room..nothing is accomplished..except the momentary belief I accomplished something..to show I was okay..

I want to give credit to this book I “hesitantly” picked up at the store the other day..and tucked away on the shelf..ignoring its pleas to be read…

But I am giving credit to me..because what this book showed..is something I gifted myself with a bit of time ago…somewhere right about six years ago..maybe longer..

Perhaps it was the time I stood up to a neighbor and said I was not the skinny, blond idiot..and she was not allowed to hit me..I could live two houses away..and know she had no direction..say..definition in my life..

Perhaps it was at other times..personal moments..and to be honest..it was likely to be all of them..and it probably goes far back..to years and years..they have just gained speed..and my attention..

So as I sat reading the book..drinking my coffee..tasting it and the flavored creamer for the first time in forever..I saw..and I had to cry…I had to let my eyes well up with tears..blur the pages..and laugh like the first time..

I saw my pulling’s..my directional positions..my attitude..why I was tired..why I ignored an effect from the disease..why I neglected self..why I went to eat this or that..and the time I did..it all reflected..and a million other things..how I felt about me and why..

It all showed how I set up my day..my beliefs about things..all stemmed from my view of self..and I was believing the show..and not seeing the reality of loveliness in me..

Not needing to be fixed..mended..anchored to a weight because I was flighty..not needing to go on another diet..life exercise plan..no meditation..nothing..except….look at what I was feeling..thinking..believing..that which ruled my life..

The things which made me check my status and amount of friends..on the social networking site…many times a day..check the phone to see if I was popular..by the amount of phone calls..write impressive thoughts to show I had skill..intelligence..rather than say..simply..I love me..

And before I can love God..you..our children..our partners..the butterfly flitting across the lawn..I have to love me..see me..feel me..grasp me..beginning on some small level…

And it began..as I forced myself to sit..and drink the coffee..not gulping it..getting up and doing dishes..or sweeping a floor..or coming up with some great quote..solution..in between morning coffee and mania..

I thought I had no value..no use..unless I was able to make a list of a hundred things I had done..I thought then I would be worth the time..the effort..the acknowledgement..the relationship..

Yet the reality is this..truer than any thing I can think of..loveliness..worth..value..time..effort..is already there..present..whole..what this whole world is made of..

It is me thinking..I have to be a certain weight..ignore feelings..distance myself from my reality..and get all caught up in the parade..the show..believing performance makes me worth a value..when the reality is this… being you..despite the choices we make..are all worth it..have immense value..got so much to offer..

No matter what size..what color..what identity..where we live..what we do..all the stuff we have heard before..over and over again…

It is time to pause..and ask…why are there dancing clowns..and booming cannons in front of the view of me..?..

Why this and why that..?

My worth..my value..my life..is not the question..it is already a known..we all have great value..even if we push it aside and decorate ourselves according to the world..which functions in a false space..one that keeps all the questions away…

The question is..why am I doing it..and how long can I keep it up…?..and start looking…and yes..at me..


~ by HopeGlenn on June 27, 2012.

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