Fragility….

I have thought..until recently..that we as people..bodies..spirit and mind..in motion..could withstand anything…

I thought..spirits could be eased..mended..brought back…yet to what…?

I thought the mind could be eased..thoughts less scattered..memories smudged so they held less impact..labels removed…..

Bodies medicated..or treated for injuries..and disease….enough meditation..clear thoughts..healthy food..exercise..rest..all would compensate for reality..something unexpected..

Yet I have come to realize through a few moments..interactions..that our person..our being is so completely fragile..no matter how strong I believe I am…or at moments am…

It has been eight years since I have spoken to a neighbor..the neighbor who thought it was a good idea to throw golf balls at the back of my disabled son’s head..the same neighbor who daily patrols my house..having her dogs poop on my front lawn as a token of her disrespect..and her angst that she is not “king of the hill”…

One of my neighbors dog escaped yesterday..panting in the heat..and enamored at the love and affection she received from petting and soft words..I am a sucker for dogs..I gathered the dog up..getting a good face licking..and thought what to do…

Call the pound..?..let the dog roam in the heat…?…walk the dog to the owners house…yes…

It is hot and blacktop covers most of the roads in my neighborhood..I was sweating just standing outside..so I assumed a fur covered puppy would be struggling at best..

I grabbed the dog..swooped her up into my arms..(and now I get the dog in the purse thingy..)..and proceeded to walk up the street to the neighbor..

I found my heart racing fast..angst filled me..I became scared..and I felt panicked…

You got it..I had to go by the neighbor..who decided hurting my child was a good option..and who does not play well with others.

I stood tall..legs a shaking..and started the walk..all the while talking to the little dog..and petting her head…and reminding myself..that this woman..the nut..could do nothing to me…

I arrived at the house and my neighbor’s son appeared at the doorway..with a look of relief..a thank you..and I handed the dog over..her name was Megan by the way..love it..and then proceeded to walk a block back home..of course passing the nut house..

As I sauntered to the house next to hers..she appears out of her garage and quickly comes to the top of her driveway..fists clenched and ready for battle..a battle in her own mind..she turns onto the street and strides toward me like a woman on a mission…

As we pass..I look at her…and my breath caught..my heart paused..and my legs stopped shaking…I almost wanted to place her on the grass which edges our yards..get her off the hard and hot street…why..?

Because she was breaking apart..she was in pieces..super glued together..like a vase accidentally broken..but you cannot use..because now it leaks…she was using every method available..stride..expression..hands into fists..sudden appearance..to let me know..she is on top..she has it all..and she can handle anything…

And I paused..just as I passed her..and felt her turn around and come back to her place..I paused in my spirit..and thought…

How fragile we are as people..these humans..we are glass..and we have all these little fractures..and we are trying so hard..by the song and the dance..and all the flashing lights..to let everyone know..even those closest..that we can handle and know how to swim through a tsunami…

Yet I get stuck in the puddle..made from the hose…and I am going to sit in it…and my legs were shaking for a reason..and a good one..

I am in sadness because a child had to be hurt because an adult was hurting..

And the preening..new cars..latest clothes..additions to the home..all a show..and in reality..all she wants to do is pummel me into the ground..because I dare defy the status quo…

She is no different than the ex..his many women..others..who state I am to be silent..

And not speak..about abuse..lies..morals..ethics..lost hope..disease…

And I fear for her..just like I do for others who walk that path..with a false bravado..because pretty soon..full impact is coming..and I do not want to be anywhere around when those shards of hate go flying…

I am fragile..in more ways than I notice..and I need to speak about them..and not beat myself over and over again..because I am human..a woman..a person..aha moment..

My body is not handling this disease well..not at all..and all the unknowns happening in this frame..and I do not like that I am dependent on medication..weather..and herbal mixtures..to make it through half an hour..

I do not like the fact..the years of angst..hate ensued upon this person..has not made me unbreakable..it has made me more fragile..than I ever thought..

I do not like knowing that one day..soon..there will be a knock on my door..and I will have to face their decisions..and that makes me want to throw up…because their choices..decisions..impact me..and have added to this fragility…

So I sit here..in ways being mastered..by this disease..this mind..and facing the fragility of us all…

Because we all are fragile..even the person yelling right now..

We are like glass..beautiful..clear..and full of possibility..magnets for hope..

And pampering our fractures..

Realizing that my legs shake..because I have to deal with a person who honestly..likes to hurt others..and I cannot avoid it..become someone else..transport my house to Oz..

Realizing that I am advancing in stages.. of this disease..and I must master..corner what works for this next five minutes..talking about living in the moment…

I have to still be me..past of child abuse..domestic violence..orphan..victim of things being stolen..breakable..fragile..shaking..and not able to swim in the deep end..anymore..and wasn’t good at it before..

So I breathe..shake..tremors..shooting pains..swear words..and no cute quotes…

And no I am not thankful for all the fractures..the spots on me..wish they would go away..in one sense..and hope they stay in another..

Without them..I would not have seen..that I am more than a wife..and my talents surpass..how clean can I get my bathroom…

I would not have seen..that I am more than a mother..I am a teacher..who gets the rhythms in life..in a slightly off kilter way…

Without them..I would not have seen..that I am an artist..a writer..an activist..a gardener..a trustworthy friend..

Without them..I would have never stepped forth into the human race..the acknowledgement of me..and the gift..of being me..and the direction I have chosen..despite all the fractures…the trust I have gathered..and held close..

I walk forth..legs a shaking..heart beating fast..tremors..body failing..cracks and fractures all on display..

No false bravado..no I am invincible..no swimming in the deep end..not even with floats..

I must honor this fragility..this person..and hope there is no super glue in this house..no false bravado..just me..and I am curious..very curious..how will it be received…?

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~ by HopeGlenn on June 20, 2012.

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