Warped…

Today..it is today…

So easy to get warped..all askew..

Lots of things to address…sitting right in front of me..

Making my shoulders hunch up to my ears..

Small things..becoming huge obstacles..and maybe they are..obstacles..

And some of them I can get past..and some maybe not..

Lets see..hmmm…car decides it does not want to start..new battery..everything all pretty..think I know what is wrong..yet right now..my hands are tied..it all has to wait..but of course it comes on the day..when my mind is screaming..get out of this house..look around..why today..why do I want to leave..?..why did it happen at this moment…?

Bills came..demanding money..another hmmm…odd they come marching into my mailbox..right when I am figuring out..trusting my gut..that I am on the right career path..

Okay the car is giving me issues..and maybe next month or sooner I will not be able to make the payment..yeah it sucks in a way..but really..it is a car..just a car..and I got legs..and friends who would take me places in a moment..would barely get the words out and they would be at my front door…

Easier to run out..get a job..being slave labor..kill this body even more..so I can what…pay a bill..make a payment..?..might as well as dig one more or ten more shovel fulls of dirt for my grave..I can barely walk across a room..lift something..without my spine reminding me of just how frail I am..

Phone out of time..minutes just about gone..give it three seconds..

Yes it is nice to talk..gab away..yet I will survive..and perhaps I can send more notes..emails..

Waiting..hmmm..another dilemma…I am getting warped..was getting warped…it all shifted in another direction..when I read something…

It was a quote about..the continual plugging away to keep something..the things we own..(or think we own)..are owning us…ouch…someone just pulled the scab off..ouch..

We have responsibilities..and those must be a priority..yet one thing is sure for me..I will not go without a meal..to have phone minutes..availability to text..I can still dial 911..no matter what..

I will not wrap myself in a contortion of knots..for a thing..a thing which can be taken away..in a second..and all the energy I put in keeping that thing..making sure my credit is right..is coiling me up…twisting my perceptions..taking years off my life..and in a simplistic way..I forget my purpose..

I cannot see..the purpose of that thing..why it is here..for a time..

I cannot address the reality..yes I said reality of life..reality such as..I am facing a disease that is degenerative..and every second I put into focus on that thing..I lose energy..healing..coping..

I cannot address..do even slightly properly..the job..mission..purpose of being here…and it sure is not working as slave labor..to pay a car payment..

And for now..I have to sit back in faith..and I have to remember..gather about me..even if it means going room by room..step by step and see all the miracles..even the one which happened just now..

Sometimes..we have to get warped..twisted up a bit..crying out to this universe..to find the center point again..to simply smile at a color..enjoy a cup of tea..and honestly..realize that the world will not disassemble because I do not have a phone..with minutes..or many dollars..

Yet I got me..doing what I am supposed to be doing..at this point in my life..over and over again.. even if it feels like the most uncomfortable..unfamiliar task ever..yes..until I get it..get it right..over and over again..

Over and over..shoulders hunched about my ears..then relaxed..doubt..oops confirmation I am human..

And knowing..it is all happening exactly when it should..as it should..not a second before..not a second after..could not have been a better time..than right now..

And WOW..that should make you a bit warped..in a good way..

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~ by HopeGlenn on June 15, 2012.

One Response to “Warped…”

  1. A beautiful and honest post. This line is a great way to live your life, “it is a car..just a car..and I got legs..and friends who would take me places in a moment..would barely get the words out and they would be at my front door…” What a gift, friendship can be.

    I am sorry to hear that you have spine troubles. I can relate, and it affects just about everything in your life, when your health is less than perfect. I don’t like leaving links to my blog in comments, but I wrote a post called, “Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do” and it really helped just to get it out.

    I know another blogger who, though I don’t know either of you well 🙂 seems to have the same spunk as you. runningfromhellwithel.com, if you want to check her out.

    You are wise to write these thoughts down, and I look forward to reading more.

    Like

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