Falling Up….

I am writing something a bit different tonight..

Believe it or not..it is from one of those fashion reality dramas I watch..and hold me in rapt attention..

Maybe it is seeing all that talent..all that art..all that ache..and glee..all packed into forty-five minutes..

Maybe it is me seeing little parables..played out for sixty million viewers..I am not sure..but each show..each season..seems to have a lesson..a thought..a construct of an idea…either wrapped in a midnight blue silk..wrapped across the graceful curves of a woman..or slim..stern..pant suit..of a woman modeling a man..

Regardless..I learn something..see something..every time..I give myself the indulgence..the permission to be there..

I learned today..and I think I have known it for awhile…about letting someone fall down..and not being angry at them..

I am not talking about watching someone blindfolded veering towards the edge of the cliff..to fall amongst the jagged rocks embracing the sea..no not that…

I am talking about watching someone come to truth..what actually happened..what do they really feel..what it is they want..and why…?

I have watched myself travel this path over the last few years..and much more aggressively over the last five months…

I have sat..and thought..peeled back the covers..opened the door quickly on the monster I thought was hiding in the closet…and have come to find out..why I was headed in a certain direction..why did I think I wanted this or that..and why was I turning away from this or that…

What was making me think all hope was lost..what tested my faith and darn what did I believe…

Two designers on the show..struck up a relationship..one saying this was great..love is always good..one..younger thought this was not something time should be spent in..even though it could not be denied..strong feelings were present..they were more engaged than was led to be believed..

It came at a point as the scrutiny of the judges..hammered criticism..yet constructive..at this one designer..the others stood back and watched..and one in particular..watched in seemingly horror..because the exit of this designer made her tremble with angst..falter..because the other was faltering..

The other could not quickly come up with the words to defend their creation..tell why they did this or that..

Head lowered..feeling the turmoil and confusion of the moment..he faltered..fell down..not something we give permission for anyone to do..

Misstep..mistake..said the wrong thing..did not say anything..looked away..looked down..lost hope..

The other broke out of the silence and pleaded..she was angry..she said..speak she said..defend it she said..

He looked bemused..and looked down again..her eyes lowered to the floor like his..and I held my breath…

All he could say with words was he loved it..it reminded him of home..love..family..the things that made him a good soul..made him happy…he shrugged his shoulders..and sighed..and once again he lowered his head..almost as preparing for a blow..

He got to stay and carry on through a few more shows..yet she..the other..was angry..and told the audience she was..and how come..

He went to her..hugged her and his face was lit with the broadest smile..

He got it..he understood..that you have to stub your toe sometimes..you have to accidentally open the door when someone is sitting on the toilet..a step or two or a thousand sometimes has to falter…sometimes the head must drop..and all belief in one leaves..and you have to start with tears..angst..swear words..and figure out..what it is you want..what you are all about..what is the truth about something you are facing..

And that which is front of you..is it something you want..is it where you should be heading..who’s dream are you carrying…who’s shoes are you attempting to fill…?

I carried on like a steam engine for too many years..never swayed..never faltered..became what I was told I should be…and all the while I was under there…

And I realized I had to misstep..say things that made me wince..seek apologies…listen to the rant…and have someone listen to me..and not be upset..angry at me for chasing a wild hair..going down a rabbit hole..

Because I have to sway..falter..question..over analyze..scream..to find what this soul wants..my purpose..

I have to allow another..whether just meeting or known for years..to have their moments..where they are not quick on their feet..stubbed their toe..

And this may sound crazy..and maybe it is or maybe it is not..

For me..I had to drop down…hit the floor hard if the carpet was gone..sit on my butt..looking at the dirt accumulating in the corners..the cobwebs..hidden from light..

Because once I stood back up..from butt to knees to leaning on the door frame…to one big breath..I saw..out of the corner of my eye..the broom..the mop..the tools..paint..everything right where it should be..

And I realized I was not falling down..I was moving up..falling up..I just had to remember it was okay..to pause..wince..think..question..stub my toe..and sit on the floor..wondering how in the world..how in the world…did spaghetti sauce get on the baseboard..and when…?

I may fall down..so do you..and sometimes we sit for awhile and awhile..and then we get the cleaner..to clean the spaghetti sauce off the baseboard…

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~ by HopeGlenn on June 15, 2012.

One Response to “Falling Up….”

  1. I really, really like this.

    Like

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