I have been told..there is no answer to why…so I should stop asking it..I should stop seeking an answer as to why something happened…

Yet..it does not seem to sit right with me..never has..and only makes me ask more of why..?

I can give another an answer to the “mysterious” why…I may not like why I did or said something..but I can sure answer the question if it is presented to me…

Yet tonight..or should I say this early morn..as sleep evades me..I am wanting an answer to questions..I can answer..and questions only another can answer..

I ask why..do I doubt me..at this moment..my decision making skills..my perceptions..my feelings..why..?

Why do I believe my book will be a yawn..and people will give me that funny look..and ask me “why did you write this..it is so boring..so nothing..”…

Why do I believe that I will be cornered and ask to explain some wound I have healed..yet I keep poking at…

Why do I want to believe this lie..this ease of absurdity..over reality..over truth..as it has proved evident in my life…

Because in all honesty..it is easier..to agree with the masses..in some false modesty..and say..”oh it was nothing..I am a trooper..”

Rather than say..I am outstanding in my strength..my decision to walk a certain way..the viability and the gifts I have been given..such as writing..counseling..teaching..art..

Last thing anyone wants to be..is the chick in the lime green..aqua striped skirt..with the purple polka dot peasant blouse…all askew..with yesterday’s haircut..

If I state my book is good..and so will be the others..that I am intelligent..and kind..and can do some outstanding things..I am not humble..and thanking the proper gift givers…the creators of those abilities..

Yet how am I to evoke change..help another along a pathway I have figured out..if I sit back and say I am nothing..I have had no hand in my life..my birth of self..it was just a lucky day…and I drew the right card..

Yet I am the chick in the lime green..aqua striped skirt..with the purple polka dot peasant blouse..all askew..with yesterday’s haircut..

Matter of fact..I do aqua and purple well..and my hair has not changed much in thirty years..and it is still flattering…and as for being askew..it is all how you walk into the room…

I do not want to waste any more time..and it is wasting time..dragging myself out of the boiling pot of negative self talk..and from a few others..

And today in my ventures into this world..I was reminded..and I know why…I got why..and it is an easy card to play..matter of fact..it is usually the clear winner..usually confines another..holds them down…and allows us to beat the crap out of ourselves..and anyone in the vicinity..who happens to glance upon our pathway..

I got why..I think my book will fail..I will be homeless..I am stupid..and too old to do much of anything..yeah because I am fighting a disease..which will eventually win..

I got why..it just cannot win anymore..it cannot have a voice in this parade..

It is time..at least for me..to let the reasoning..the excuses defining why..to be left on the doorstep of another..the one who wants to give excuses..

To say..I know why…and that is all good..yet it does not have to be..it does not have to dictate..it is simply understanding..and that is more than I could have asked for…


~ by HopeGlenn on June 6, 2012.

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