Paint my house red..and call me obnoxious…

It is buck up and bear it day..week..month..year..

At least that was the cute quote I received today..and somehow it is not making me smile this time..and think..I can do this..

How many times have we been told..to smile..be grateful..it could have been worse..the sun will come out soon..wipe those tears away..do not want anyone to think you are emotional..a basket case..fragile..oh yeah..human..with a soul..

I love the masquerade dance..the pretense of oblivion..the smiles when all one wants to do is scream..and why..?..(see back to that question)..so we appear to not let this have an effect on us..that we were stoic and handled the landslide of filth well..?..really..?

It is like smiling into the face of another..right after we have told them of a violation..so they can feel better..we buck up..pull it together..because we do not want anyone to feel this..be upset..squirm..and why..?

Why am I not allowed to say..it is not okay..and will never be okay…

Why am I not allowed to say..our services which handle abuse..have no clue what they are doing..and have no means necessary to deal with victims..survivors..and they need to start talking and listening..to the victims..who have no money..and stop listening and catering to the companies who have money..

Why am I not allowed to say..I am a victim..it holds no shame for me..I did not do anything to make the abuse happen..I am not stained..blemished..

I am just fortunate..that I figured a way out..some way..and have managed through some method..which I am not quite clear on..to stay out..

It does not mean I do not encounter..deal with..sort through..abuse and abusers..

It does not mean I do not have physical issues..brought on by the hands and actions of the abusers..and I will stand before God and point my finger at the persons responsible.. and who will take claim for these ailments..conditions..disease..and I will not smile..be grateful I am still standing..somewhat..so that anyone can think I am handling this properly..

I will shout that my spine is on fire..these tremors are with me always..and they are not my friend…and I am so pissed… because I have to tell me brain..how to take a step..and remember balance..and plead with it to forget it is injured..not by my hand..and that nothing I take or do..makes it better..

Yet I must smile..because that is the answer we have been taught..

Anger..justice..are not becoming..especially on a woman..

For goodness sakes..how am I to get a man..?..who will marry me..?..as if the life I lead is only worth a certificate that says I am pleasing and compliant enough..

I will say this..and a smile is on my face..I have chosen steps well.. I have made brave decisions..I have loved with every ounce of my being..I have chosen to speak..and disagree with the bigwigs in this world..

We need to get ready..numbers are increasing..drugs..alcohol..are like food to most..a way to cope with the madness..

Polite gestures will never be enough..

Shuffling the bleeding person off to the padded room..will not work..it will only gain speed..

Quotes..after one has been told..bones are broken..eyesight is gone..disfigurement has ensued..a disease will be boss..are careless to speak..

I will stand up..in the t-shirt that says..child abuse..let your imagination run on that one..domestic violence..and he still continues in more underground ways..children stolen..and made into abusers..woohoo…

I am the one..no matter how pretty I am..the one you point figures at..the one you say should not live in your neighborhood..should not have her home..because she does not deserve it..she is not compliant..I am that one..

And right now..it seems manageable..you got it under control..it is none of your business..except when you realize..it just happened to your child..and that is when the sadness begins..

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~ by HopeGlenn on June 6, 2012.

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