Design….

It has been a week..and maybe a bit more… since I have sat myself down to this keyboard…and decided to write..

I have spent some time in reflection..perhaps..maybe more in finding a place I belong..and the “what am I to be doing…?” And while that has been transpiring..I am battling this disease..and the complications that ensue..and I wish the weather would cooperate…and it does not..yet it has something to teach me..over and over again…

I want to look at each of these aspects of my life..as separate entities..but in reality..they are all together..linked..entwined..held together..all working in the same format..to bring about what this day needs to hold and for me to see..

Three days of mild sunshine..brought me the ability to sleep well at night..and during the day..I tended the garden..cared for the responsibility of the yard and the home I have been given..if not for the sunshine..blue skies..I would have been lying on my couch..wishing that there was a pill to send me into never..never land..

Yet now as the pressure systems rage..and my body rages…I am able to look out my windows…and see the moments..I was blessed with..in caring for the gifts..the mighty blessings I have been given..and I understand what those days were for…just as I understand what these days are for…

And nothing is for naught…not a second or a thought..

As the systems tumbled and bumbled..and made me ache..and yes..wish for the magic pill..and have me raise my hands to the heavens..and think..”what is it.. this is to do..?”…I remembered..and created…I paused as life held me for attention..and then moved forward…

I pieced a quilt…which has sat on my sewing table..with only the top finished..I patterned some dresses and shorts for little girls and boys in need..and I made curtains..and all this made me see into the next space..the next step of my life…my survival..

Things are vastly different now..than even a month ago..

I have ventured from working for a company..to working for myself..and trusting myself..and allowing others into that enclosure..space of trust..and seeing how they add to..enrich this soul..and me for them..

I have noticed..that nothing has come about in the way I was taught..and a lot of things do not make sense..if you are standing in the view of the world..yet that is when I step out of that view..and look around the corner..and suddenly the path is clear..well defined..and makes perfect sense…and it goes on and on and on..always..

It is the continual process..this program..this altering..bending..moving..changing the dance steps..willingness…and realization..there are many ways to do things..and not everyone is out to smash me into the ground..like previous persons of my past history..

Perhaps the dishes can wait..and sitting on the porch..sharing a cup of coffee..talking..or walking down my neighborhood street are the priority…

Perhaps sharing my life..from this space I call mine..saying please and thank you..smiling..and carrying on the manners I was taught..and agreed with are in my best interest..and handle my day well..

Perhaps it is time to pay my bills..feed myself..live in a different way..perhaps it is time to sit in this role..I have long thought was a misguided notion..

Perhaps I need to look around..and see that this is continuous..keeps going..keeps moving..and has no end..

It is what I learn..what I accept..how I define to speak..react..and make this world better..one breathe at a time..over and over again…

Because as always..it starts with me..and realizing..that just because I do not see it right now..it may be fuzzy..and something I am not used to..does not make it wrong..nor am I falling off the path..

I am growing up..growing into this body..making peace with this body..and realizing I have miles and miles to go..and that is cool..and each step..each need..each bill..each drink of water..morsel of food..protection from the elements..hug..will show itself..and provide..at the exact moment..

And that is pretty amazing..if you pause..and think about it..and I do..even when I curse this life..

Because none of this makes sense..I do not make sense..that I am still here..plugging away..

And I will continue..because I got something to say..I have something to do..and I am doing it…

Storms or no storms…pressure or no pressure..blue skies or no blue skies..alone or in a group..

I keep going..and sometimes it requires a nap….

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~ by HopeGlenn on June 5, 2012.

2 Responses to “Design….”

  1. I have the book , the archive, the journal , the map quest , the spillage of words…cant wait to start reading. though I know some of it…it will easy to hear your voice speaking the words in my head. I am honored you used a picture Iam familiar with…. smile. Its of wonderful and easy print and good cover. I am glad it is not a small paperback. let me know if you have time sometime for the autograph….coffee or the meal is on me. Peace tall angel and I pray you sleep well.

    Like

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