Insomnia 101….

I did not want to write tonight…but then again I did…

So many thoughts..turned into feelings swirling around in my head..and heart…

And sometimes one simply wants to sit with the thought..the expectation..the belief..the feeling..

I want to lay my head down..at this early hour of the morning..I want to be sleeping..and only awaken..or stumble into semi-consciousness..to feel the cool breeze lifting the curtains..from the windows..that look out into the starry night…

Yet pain..physical complications..mysterious sounds..and again those thoughts..dominate..and say my hand must go to the page..because someone..wants to hear this..someone..like me..facing what their day has brought forth..wishing rest would come..and if not soon..it will be forced..

And maybe that is what I need to say..maybe that is the topic I need to bring forth..into the wee hours of the morn..insomnia..

Sleep issues have plagued me for years..and for due cause..and I am tired of them..not the issues..circumstances..details of my life..not those..the issue that my sleep must be disturbed..over and over..and it seems to be the one thing..sleep that is..which brings healing..steadiness..light into the darkened corners of the room…

And night after night..it must be forced..as if my body and mind are not willing partners in this path..it seems they are at odds..with this topic..sleep..

My shoulders have tightened..slowly becoming hunched by my ears..and my right temple is throbbing..there may be cause for this..it has not been the most fun day..regardless of any activity I invested myself into..

It has been a day of deep breathing..clenching of hands..tears rolling down cheeks as I sat at a stoplight..movements stopped and frozen..because something misfired..was uncooperative..

And I found none of those items to make me angry..make me muddled or grumble..it simply rearranged my day..and I was at its bidding..alter..change..adjust..recognize…awareness takes on a whole new perception..

As I wish for sleep..I wished for something else today…and I did everything in my power to make it happen..as I do everyday..every moment I have breathe…

I wished to have ten minutes..maybe more..to not feel this body..to go back to detached..separate from this physical form..floating above..my coping mechanism..something I had tucked away in the closet..way up on the shelf..behind age..travels..and thoughts..

I wanted to be a child again..and believe I could fly..and I was indestructible..and with that I chuckle..because I get something..something that had sort of evaded me..

I get why people drink so they do not feel..I understand why we drug..and label..so we go numb..I understand why we go through pain pills like Chiclets..and I get why it is not about strength..or ability..or right or wrong..sinner or saint..

It is about today..this moment..and how one can cope..and what is chosen..it is about operating in a hard world..an unforgiving world..a judging world..

And then it is about looking in the mirror..and being responsible for what I see..for another night of no sleep..prayers and running fevers..

It is knowing I am not alone..in the time when the world slows down for a breath..the moment between stars..and golden light peeking above a horizon..that time..

When I have to adjust..consider..understand..and hope I make the best decisions..and there I find I can fly..and remember what it was like to dance in my dreams..

But for now..as I wish for sleep..I type away..listen to the sounds of this space…and quietly lull myself into believing I have rested..I have slept…and maybe tomorrow night..I will not have to do this all over again..

Sleep..and I pray it is a good sleep..oh sleep…

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 31, 2012.

One Response to “Insomnia 101….”

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