Not what I thought….

Life is not holding guarantees..promises..business deals..which promise wealth and happiness…

Life..I have found..or living..tends to operate in the soul..and it collides often with this thinking brain…which really is formed from how our soul..our heart..our life is responding..accumulating..moment by moment…

I keep hoping the logical…aspects of my life..what I think should be happening…how I think life should move along..will suddenly take over..and I can live my life..crossing things off the list..I have written..and pretend each event is to be happening in the order..I have listed…

And nothing has happened the way..I “think”it should happening…it always seems to be what my heart..is pounding out to me…over and over…what I know to be true…but my logic..my perception..my accumulation of ideas..has told me differently…and it has me in unrest…disarray…because truthfully..at some point..I wanted this world to approve of me..to make me okay..

Yet..again..life is not lived that way..and the courage..and some may say stupidity..to speak a different voice..is moments spent in constant evaluation..of one side versus the other…over and over again…

It took me years..moments of looking in the mirror..to say..I had not wanted to have children…say that out loud at a PTA meeting…gathering of friends…state you never had wanted to be a mother..and realize..that deep inside..and right out front..it was not a bad thing..it was not selfish..and then perfect the art of excellence of motherhood..and retention..identity of self…and I am vastly more than a mother….

It took years..of being called names..having my life used against me…(and lets be honest..we use others events..wounds against them..for control..to feel better…we are always trying to one up the neighbors with the biggest and best…and stick our nose up at the uncooperative neighbor..coworker..who does not do it the way we think it should go down…)..to come to a space..where I do think I am beautiful..and I do not carry shame like a piece of clothing I wear…and that is not my burden to carry..it is the abuser’s..their task in life…

It took forever..and it seems like forever..to get to that space…and it is not about healing..it is simply about not believing the lie…and in truth..I can not heal..move forward..address the situation..person..in front of me..until I stop believing the lie…

Some lies populate us like mantras..quotes..cliches…

Things like..God thinks I am a dirty sinner..or I am less than a man..because I am a woman..or I am going to hell because I do not believe Jesus is the savior of the world…

Things like..I give up my life..take the bullet..become the human body shield..because I am a mother…and the only thing I am good for is making babies and cleaning toilets…and that is my glory…

Things like..I am to concede to a man..submit..who is acting like a ninny..because a church says he is the head of the home..and knows best..and I will leave that there…

Things like..I am flighty..indecisive..weak..because I am blond haired..and blue eyed…

Things like..the person on the corner..holding the sign..is an addict..looking for a quick fix..screwing us over…

Things like..women deserve the rape..the punch..because we dressed a certain way..would not shut up..

Things like..men have a better ability to fight off an abuser..because they are stronger..and want it…and do not get scared…

Things like…parents do not use their children as weapons..through divorce..and we believe we have to lie to our children..and we think we keep them safe…?…seriously…?

It is far from an easy task to step aside..and look behind the big screen filled with words and images..which have long described us..tell us how to live…

It is harder..to sit here and write these words..and know I am angering many…more than I can comprehend..

It is harder to believe..that I am a good person..I have a majestic heart..and I utilize it..even if it inconveniences me..and someone does not understand it..

It is harder to believe..that I am and was a good mother…

It is harder to believe..that I have abilities..of writing..painting..sewing..creating…

It is harder to believe..the person who claims to have it all..has nothing…

It is harder to believe…that I must live with the works of another’s hands..and the destruction they decided to enact..yet I can decide..how that living is to go down…

It is easier to believe..the fantasy happening before me..than the truth..residing in me..over and over again…like the best symphony..I have ever heard…

It is hard..to just believe..

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 29, 2012.

One Response to “Not what I thought….”

  1. Deep.

    Like

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