Staggering…..

I have begun this venture…A month into it now..and I am not sure..perplexed if I like this space..I am going into..the playing field..I have entered..and seriously..do I want to go there…the place where..I have suddenly found..no guide book..no manual..no instructions written on the back of a list..nothing..

The only thing I have hanging with me..leading me by the hand..is my perceptions..the images I have created..of what this person is supposed to be..look like..act like…operate like..and suddenly it has no bearing..no resemblance to who I have been for quite awhile..or for that matter..ever was…

I have lived through abuse..in many forms..survived divorce..saw my family destroyed..looked at death as I grieved my mother..faced a degenerative disease with panic mounting in volumes…and thought about the circus of this life..while looking through the twisted glass at the fun house…

I was supposed to recover a certain way..act a certain way..move on a certain way..forgive..enact..and provide a safe place..a calm..healing place..for everyone but me..I was making it so everyone felt good about me..except me..I was seeking the popularity contest..and I just had not found the right gown…or shoes…and I knew for damn sure..someone had hidden them under the bed..

The last two weeks..I have been assailed with having to “look” at things..things I thought..I had a grip on..and in a way I did..but it was a vice hold..choking..and I had to do something…and quick..because I was going to be and do what this world..has described me as..or…I was going to be what I really was..and was I willing to do the work..?

And then I pause..

I am a woman..looking at fifty..I have faced abuse for near forty-nine of those years..abuse lives with you in some variance..some form..no matter how far you travel..what you become..or how hard you fight..trickles and residues live with you..

I am one of the most fortunate..I got out..I lived..and I will have to say some days I wished I had not..yet that is purely from the design and thought of how I thought I was to feel..and I felt different..finally..

I face a disease..which will make me captive in my body..and those who were supposed to be there..are gone..those we thought we could count on..are busy..and have engaged themselves with more illustrious things..such as drinking..drugging..beating up others..something they have become quite skilled at..

And then others..unexpected others..have stepped up to the plate..stepped into the arena..and I have watched them as they were stunned..bemused..and went through their own battle of dealing with the blows this world tosses out like Chiclets..

I saw them near drown..fall apart..and then stand up taller than life has ever shown me people were capable of..they faced living..and chose to stay in the arena..and truthfully..there are no words..and thank you seems to not cover it..but it really does..we have just made the most beautiful of words..the most delicate of hopes..into high action packed thrillers…so a smile..ceases to amaze us anymore..

I have found my accountability..of how I have chosen to speak..and not chosen to speak..and why..and if I expect another to open up..share themselves..involve in our lives..should I not be doing the same..?..should I not be expecting the same from myself..and why the need to hold back..?..Oh that is right..protection..

We are so protected..and saran wrapped..we have no clue..we think we got the game on..and everyone see our sparkles..and how we are doing great..and we have our reasons for anger..self righteousness..because we all got labels..and they serve us well..they keep us spinning in circles..doing the jig of the world..

And tell me..what do you do when disaster knocks on your door..and the world walks away…?..the charade we were taught fails us..what then..?

How do you tell your child who is stealing from you..and punching you to go…

How do you tell the person helping you to pay bills..but is raping you..to leave..and now…

How do you tell the person..the friend..that tells you what you must be..that they have no clue..and it is time for this to end…

How do you tell yourself..that food is coming..and you can keep the lights on..when you make minimum wage..and your boss is shorting you hours because you are not being a company person..

How do we face a disease..do everything we are told to do..pursue every option…and realize it will all be for naught..you are just getting a few more minutes..

And how do we face this life..described by anothers terms..and definition..of how I am supposed to be reacting to this life…

Well today it feels like this..because I am bold..daring enough to speak it..

I am doubting..because this fever I have had..does not want to go away..and my spine is on fire..and I want a life..not a day or fifteen minutes..where my body does not ache..like it has been beaten up..and it has..

I do not miss the people..that ran away..and I do not forgive them..

I do not believe food will be on my table..and that someone will help..I have had too many instances..where betrayal..has come upon my doorstep..

And I will not be the description of a victim..a woman of a certain age..ethnicity..a mother..

I will be this person..sad..smiling..overwhelmed..and just as fragile..as the day I came into this world..

And I am okay with that…

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 23, 2012.

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