Sometimes it is like outer space….

I always wondered..if today was the day..was this the day..I would make that thought…those words..into life..or would they sit with me..and they might instead be seen through another’s words..voice..music..and intent..?

We all sit in the space..of trying to figure out..place..descibe the dream..the moment..into something concrete..stable..seen..and able to be held in my hands..

I listen to music..see the videos..and think..”how did they know that…that is what I was thinking..”..and I wonder how did it get life..while mine sits like a dormant seed inside of me..what is it..what turns it on..what throws all caution to the winds..and creates this great feat of life..of vision..of love..?

Is it money..?..I am sure the availability to portray one’s thoughts..one’s heart requires funding…perhaps..?..or is it an accidental stumbling along the path..and suddenly it sits before us..and asks us the question of..”what do you want this to do..?”..

I have written..spoken..and detailed into fine words the stories of my life..my thoughts of how I think things should work out..and most sit in journals..and typed up pages..printed crisp, black words on shiny paper..and there they sit..and perhaps I am afraid to see the response from those words in many forms..

I have thrown my random thoughts out into the universe..through the abilities of social networking sites..blogs..poetry contests..and comments on great quotes and cliches..and yet I find myself no more closer to the vision inside my head..and I wonder what is the vision…

I have written a book..and felt vain and full of pride..because it was good..it carried words..hope..and pain..which made me weep…and believed no one will ever read it..or care to…and that may be true..or not..

It may be that until I unfurl the tight grasp I have on the vision..the place..and commentary I feel I am to be in..that it will not come to life..until I allow myself to..come to life..instead of just seeking that vision..

Perhaps I need to loosen the grip of my self view..my self abuse of neglect in nurturing me into that vision..because I am spending my time in descriptions of what I think I should be..and not really what I am told I am..and not through the eyes of one demanding control..and pain..but through the eyes of one who sees the colors..the sparkles I cannot..

One gets stuck in labels..in facts about self..and they become the determining factor in who we think we are..the words we use to describe ourselves..the path..the thought pattern..we follow with barely a passing glance or thought..as to why?

So I am asking why..

Why do I keep waiting for the plane to land..the grand prize to arrive on my doorstep..the point of making it…succeeding…because I have made it through the fire..I have wrangled the hairy monster in the closet..and have been told no more times than I can count..and yet I still wait…for what..?

And life has suddenly come about and almost passed me by…and I have thought..”you have to be kidding me..”

I do not want to be a success..win a prize for a great book..be acknowledged as a great designer..and now suddenly my words are worth hearing…and are given serious consideration…because they already have by me..and I am the one who needs to hear them most of all..I am the one who needs to absorb..heal..run away..and look at things from new perspectives…

I need to write the song..in my upside down jumbled manner and sing it to myself…I need to write the poem of scratchy words of love and determination…and repeat it..and rhyme it for me..I need to write my book..my path..my silly banter…and occasional blustering truths which make me ill..

I need to do this..sing to me..write poetry to me..and place uncomfortable words on paper no one will read…I have to convince me..that I have something to say..that I have something to add..that I am here for a purpose…

I need to show up in the red dress with sparkles..even though it is far from my best color..reciting with a shaky voice..my hopes for the people..places and times of this life…

And then suddenly..I will be standing on the stage..single spotlight..reciting first to me..about this life and what I have learned..and the music begins..and suddenly I know how to do this…this life..and then we can see how to do this life…together…

Me in a dress of midnight blue…and while we are there..what color for you…?

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 21, 2012.

2 Responses to “Sometimes it is like outer space….”

  1. Bravo!

    Like

  2. I think Midnight Blue …..enjoy….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cRdgIZgobs

    Like

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