Give me sleep..and this is what happens….

I feel like I am on pause…as I attempt to examine..dissect..feel..and absorb…the events which have engaged my life in the last few days…

I hit spots of anger…puddles of self doubt…peaks of pain…and flat out…this does not need to be happening…this should hold no space in my life..

It felt like a waste of my time..it deliberated in my mind..it gave something more time than it deserved..it colored each and every breath..and that is what set me over the edge..

Being vocal..speaking my mind…is really a new thing for me…do not laugh..it is…I have spent many a moment..hiding away behind some description..some format which gave a proper presentation…I became upset and chided myself when I had thoughts of telling someone off…because I had been neglected…nobody run…

Being allocated to a back position..to a “I will get to you when I have a moment” position is hard to stomach..and most of us spend many moments..in that position..so when we react..demand acknowledgement…speak our opinion..thoughts…it usually ends up making one look like a ranting ninny..as we are yelling over another’s voice to demand a powerful existence…

And to me the word of the day…the position… is consistency..consistency..of who one is as a human being..as moving out through life..of hoping for a consistent plan of action which does not alter and deviate from whom we are..as this person…

I beat myself up for reaction..I cried the river of tears..I ranted..I swore…yet I remained true to me…I demanded that this..this event..not be happening…and I felt bad..I felt that little shame demon come out..and try to pick..and poke a hole in me..so self doubt..self esteem issues..disconnect..and lost hope could start pouring in…and they held my attention for a time…

Deflated and worn out..I sat and looked out at the trees…and thought in my mind..and felt my mouth speak the words…”this is such a waste of my time..why are we doing this..”…why am I spending time allowing another to kick my heart..my being to the side of the road…?…why am I cleaning up anothers mess…why is the mop and broom..and protective wear on me and in my hands…?…Why..?

And so began the journey of climbing back out of the pit..I willingly placed myself in…

There began the process..the thoughts..of letting another do what they may..and letting them have the results..of those actions..and I was not here to be the grinning ninny..the Barbie doll who nodded her head..and agreed with everything..especially the parts..where she saw life being destroyed…and I had reaction…

Ooh we really do not like that word..nor do we like to see a reaction..and sometimes it is the scariest when it comes from us…and we feel it is out of step..out of character of who we perceive oneself to be..or the view we provide to the world…

And so I reacted..I ranted..I told the truth..and damn if I did not ask for consistency…I removed myself and anything which reminded me of the issue..tucked it away in a closet..box..and the garage..I did not want to look at it..and then suddenly..all I could do..was look at it…

It was like taking the painting off the wall and seeing the clean mark where the picture was…and knowing I had to look at it..

And here I found a simple truth…my reactions..my thoughts..they are how I feel..they are based on what is happening with me…they are not this elaborate dance of all the events and words throughout these fifty years..they are what I am feeling..battling..struggling..and comprehending of me..now present..and alive..and damn happy..skippy about that…

I do not like being told one thing and then turn around and find out something else..so I set things in motion..in concrete to be stable and known…I do not being the last priority of the day…so I enact..promote events during the day so I am nourished..sustained..and not pivoted around because another felt I was of no consequence…I do not like being labeled..and that starts on labels being removed by me..looking at each label..and taking it down…and not wearing it like some bright light…because none of them are reflective or descriptive of me…

And I honor my reactions..and respect the fact that negative..energy and acts are damaging..and I should not want them about…not running a muck…making me wish I was someone different…because I do not wish to be anyone else..not anymore…

I am this woman…who sits..cross legged on her bed…seeing the sunshine through the windows..and hearing the breeze in the leaves and the chimes keeping rhythm…

I am this woman..who cried because her oldest son turned twenty-five ton Thursday…and she had a present for him..and she cannot give it to him…

I am this woman who hurt her hand..opening a jar..and was cursing because the tremors got the best of her…

I am this woman who reacted..was dismissed…and reacted again…and I apologize for none of it…

I am this woman..who will speak..will react..will provoke thought..and share hers…

I am this woman..and let the games begin…

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 20, 2012.

2 Responses to “Give me sleep..and this is what happens….”

  1. That was really thoughtful and I enjoyed your writing style!

    Cheers,
    Courtney Hosny
    http://www.oneweektocrazy.com

    Like

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