I am never going to get this…

I am tired..tired of being interlaced to my past..tired of being compared to the past..because I mention that something is offensive..wounding..and destroying..

I get the card..like the Holy Grail..and the bright neon yellow t-shirt to wear because I said..do not do that to me..

I am not living one leg in the past..and one leg standing in today..I am not torn in half between yesterday and today..I am here present..solid…and more in tune with life than I have ever been..

Yet I still have that sticker on my shirt..on the back..the one I did not know I had..the one which says..”kick me”…in the instance I proclaim..state a wound..I am stuck in my past..I am comparing to my past..I am carrying around some huge sack of nasty..decomposing garbage..because I have a question..a stirring of discomfort of the way I was just treated…the same reaction most anyone would have..

I have been made the bad guy..the one who has not moved on..all the stupid cliches we like to brand on people’s foreheads..darn I feel like I am in court with my ex..and being told I had not moved on because I did not want him stalking me..breaking into my home..punching me…

Oh how silly of me..and here I sit again…and yet I am not giving up..I am not giving into the sadistic label of “trapped in the past”…”victim”..”hopeless”..because I am none of those..and neither are the masses of people who have been abused and persecuted because we just aint handling it right…

I got a news flash…I am not stuck and neither are the many lovely ladies and good men I know who have faced near identical circumstances..I along with a few others..carry the burden..the ache..and it is an ache…of having our children stolen..and man..it is just a walk in the park..

So I apologize to the masses..or those who called me names..I apologize for staring off into space and a tear rolls down my cheek..because my son just turned twenty-five..and I have not talked to him in five years..and my other sons will age..have birthdays..and I get to sit in my memories..and give myself..with your permission of course..five minutes to weep..and then I get back up and act the way you want..so it will be okay..that I am hurting over seeing my son become a man through a backward glance through time..

Yes these are things I carry..and others carry..does not mean we are stuck..does not mean we look at you and think of the one who threw us across the room..that is such an easy spot to put us in..so easy…

Perhaps when I talk to you..engage my life with you..I am dealing with the present…and looking at you..and what just happened..our conversation..not one that happened ten years ago…

I do not see my ex..or my father when I look at other human beings..I see you…and that is the greatest gift besides my life I have ever been given…

And perhaps I am asking you to address me as that person..right in front of you..present..fighting like hell for you..taking full accountability for me..but it is not my job to take accountability for you…never will be..

It is my obligation to love like I do not have another minute..to stop violence..to help heal..to speak truth..and no..do not sugar coat it so it is easier to swallow..because then it becomes a lie..

And it is my obligation..to wrap my arms about you..and hold on tight..and want the same for me..because just in case you are wondering…in case you forgot..

You are worth every damn minute…

And that is what you have to hold onto..every second of every day…

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 19, 2012.

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