Let me see….

I want to begin today’s post with some uplifting..thought provoking words…to alter and change patterns..

Yet all I can say today is OUCH…and show thankfulness to pain medications..so I did not rip my spine out during the day..or while I attempted to sleep last night..

Storms are raging here..pressure systems are a muck..and my disease decided to advance..while I was not paying attention…see what happens when one gets distracted…I am kidding of course..

I am on top of my disease..and all the other mystery ailments playing football inside of my body..I know the disease would advance..I just did not think it would happen..when I was still..in reflection..in thought..I thought it would happen… as I was balancing precariously on the step ladder… trying to reach the hardware on the top shelf..

Yet no such luck or decision..it hit me in a happy moment..and I realized it does not play fair..and has little regard for my thoughts..dreams or desires…

It knocked me over the head..as I sat watching the birds eat the bread..I had placed on the deck rail..and it has had my attention again..for these two days..it set the tremors into a new gear…so I feel like I am in an earthquake..and cannot find that steady ground..that holding space..

My typing is fun..as I backspace..rewrite..rethink..and overall look like I have just learned the English language..

I find myself slumping over a keyboard..because the electric shocks are racing through me..not playing fair..and why do I expect them too..

And I am not angry..I am not ill with hateful feelings..or want anyone to rip my spine out..and let me crumple..I just carry this time of sad..like I think we all do..whatever we are looking at..always..

It has made me pause..sit..put in the favorite movie…pray..and have that chocolate..

It has made me think again about the gift of pain medications…because without them..who knows..and to have care for this disease and the unknowns defined by me…holistically…

Perhaps in this pause..I am to see something..feel something..notice something..maybe it is just knowing that my butt will not be huge if I spend one day not walking..and just sit on the couch..you never know…

I know this journey is hard..and tears fill my eyes as I type..because I do not want this disease…I do not want to be stopped from doing the things I think are best for me…or what my perception of self believes is right for me…like walking..cleaning house…

Perhaps there is a reason for pause..like on a DVD player…maybe when the movie starts again..it will be in a new direction..new resources..and handling of life’s realities will find me better equipped..and healthy…

And this time..I wont see myself through the distorted circus glass..all woobly and squashed…and maybe today is all about knowing my butt will not be huge..and for that I must smile…

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 15, 2012.

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