It is indeed….

I am not going to write some sweet soliloquy about the enduring joys of being a mother…or pound into the ground the agony of being a mother..I will not swing the pendulum from one extreme to another….

Yet I will speak of the middle ground..the calm space I am sitting in on this day…and the funny thing is this…it is a familiar place…and one which brings comfort..rather than distress for me…and I am at ease…

I am a mother of four sons…all beautiful creations..mine…my handiwork..in the sense of innate spirit of the artist..and deep souls..and the physical beauty each one manifests…and with a smile and a twinkle in my eye..I can say they look like me…and that is beautiful…truly..one of my sons looks like my brother..and is now a gentle reminder of the fragility of life..and how souls carry on..from time to time…and I pause..

I find myself these days with more and more of a smile..and I wish there was a camera around to capture the quirkiness..the simple beauty…the peace that is coming from me..and especially on this day..a day which has always brought me great sorrow…

When children are stolen from you..taken away..fed lies like vitamins…and the memories that hang with you in the most profound form..are the ones of them hitting you…this day..and most days..rings of a certain ache..sometimes a scream..and I can relate to wanting to go numb…but not this one..not today..and the universe has slowly bringing me to this point..as it does with every aspect of my life..I just must choose to pay attention…and so I have…

I have not spoken to my sons in five years now..not heard their voice..not felt their arms wrapped around me..or heard the deep laugh of them..and that does make me cry…and that is why I am not going to give you some story..some line..that motherhood..in this dynamic is easy..good..worth the road..the travel…and going to be okay..because I have no stance in that..no position..

I sit here..plunking away on the keyboard…knowing…knowing something clear..and true..I am an excellent mother..and I did not stop because my sons chose money over their mother…punches over hugs..lies over reality..highlighted in bright yellow…and it took me this five years to get there…to know..

My sons cannot forget me…can you forget your mother…and let me pause here…I am not talking about the psycho bunch of ninnies that give women..mother’s a horrid name…I am speaking of the mother’s like me..who gave their all..and still are…and still had to walk away..have their children stolen..turned against them…and swallow a bitter pill..

I am on their minds..and I sit deep within their hearts…and they remember..who I really am…

And yes someone else..the imposter..is most likely getting a card..perhaps candy..flowers..hugs..kisses..and a meal…

Yet they are mine..and no imposter..voice..anything can change that…it just cannot…and for the first time in a long time…I hold onto that…and it makes me stand taller…

I see them..matter of fact I saw my oldest yesterday..and I was floored..So tall..so handsome..and a man…not a happy man..but indeed a man…and I wanted to walk up to him..and give him a kiss on the cheek…and then smile..as I stepped away…

I want to believe they hate me..it is easier…I want to believe they do not know what I look like…but it is a lie..I want to believe they do not miss me..but they do..and I can feel their hearts speaking..and they are sitting with me as I write this..in spirit…

I want to believe I am some identity..which has been fabricated…but again a lie…

Life holds no greater impact than our choices…our choices to walk a certain way…a way most people go..or to go a different direction..one which is not often used..and you have to cut through the bramble..and your feet get a bit damp from the overgrown grass..soaked in tears…

And this is the choice they have made..at this time..and I must accept that..just as I must accept that they are not safe towards me..at this time..and perhaps they may never be…I have to look at the reality they have chosen…and they grow and grow…older and older…

I claim my sons..and send out my heart to them..and whisper in the wind..”do you know I love you…”…and they do…

Yes someone else may have gotten flowers..candy..a meal…and even called momma which is not her’s to have..and for that she will answer..because we only have one momma..and it is not debatable..no matter how many times we remarry..bring in another..discard our true mother..or even do a better job at the daily tasks of caretaker..

Yet I am their mother…and no one else can carry that…no one gets that t-shirt…nothing changes that…nothing..

Happy Mother’s Day…take this moment..this blip in history..to remind yourself that you are that parent…that mother…yes I know it has not turned out as we planned..not even the good ones…but you are doing good..I am doing good…I am loved..you are loved…without a but..perhaps..or a maybe…

Advertisements

~ by HopeGlenn on May 13, 2012.

4 Responses to “It is indeed….”

  1. http://WeatherStationsForHome.co.uk/how-big-is-the-sun-and-will-it-burn-out-any-time-soon/
    I appreciated this, well done WeatherStationsForHome.co.uk/how-big-is-the-sun-and-will-it-burn-out-any-time-soon

    Like

  2. Same wave different day.

    Like

  3. Dear Mandy.

    The comment up above I would like to have erased but I haven’t figured out how this could be done on this site?
    It is a crummy and lame comment at best.
    Will you please excuse me for this.

    I admire everything that you feel and write about at these points in time.
    See you later on then. *

    Like

  4. Of course you know that I was referring to my comment?

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: