Coloring outside of the lines…

I got asked the other day..an interesting question…one which made me pause..and then reflect on another aspect..point within my life…and a belief held about certain individuals within our society..

On the first note..I was asked..”how far would I go..what would I do..to claim my own life..?….what would I sacrifice..throw away..or demand for my own life..defined my way..in the belief I carry..”…hmmm…

I paused..and thought for a moment..because this has been something I have had to think and put into action a minimum of six times…and each time..at certain ages..and some ages that held little options…I have had to forge ahead with what I would do to claim my own life…

Who would I believe in..me..?..or them..?..and I chose me…and do not think for a moment it has not been a struggle..because finding and latching onto faith within oneself is the hardest task one most likely will encounter…

It is easier to follow and console oneself with a group belief system..because it is condoned..allowed..and one does not receive too much angst if they happen to color outside of the lines…

And again the question stands in front of me..what would I do..to claim my own life…

I would live on the streets…did that..been there..when I was fifteen..my time spent was almost three years..

Go hungry..go without clothes…I would endure those humiliations..and I did..so my body had a moment of not being used as another’s playing field..

Face jail time…because I stood up in court and demanded my divorce decree be honored…and would not be quiet…yes…

Lose my children to money…and still believe I am an excellent mother…yes…

Demand to be talked to in a respectful manner…and face the fact..I may be and have been slandered…yes…

And yes..I would go wherever I needed to go..to get out from under a belief that said anything about me being damaged..less than..need to be controlled..labeled…

Even stand toe to toe with the monster…lose my children..face being thrown out of my home…hunger..no medical care..car taken away..all of it..and not even bat an eye…

Because all of that..and so much more..has nothing to do with me…

What has to do with me..is the majestic way this universe..God..whatever name we give it..drops miracles like raindrops on me..every second of every day….and everything I give my worry..and the creases in my brow..are lies..and falsehoods..myths to keep me in line…

What would I do..to claim my life…I already did it…the moment I walked out that door…when I thought death was better than life…when I knew he would take my sons from me…when I knew he could end my life at any moment…and he reminds me…

When I am reminded..that I must have been mean…because I was in abuse..and in pain..so therefore I must have been mean..and I smile..because no..I was unhappy..sad..overwhelmed…but that does not make me a candidate to me an ass of a human being…

I have seen people face less..be given more..worldly things than I will ever know…and harbor hate inside of them…and spill it out on people like me…and a few others…

What would I do..to claim my own life…I chose it..despite how hard..I knew it would be…despite the myths..the lies..the things I have lost…

It is me..who stands in the sunshine..sometimes with her nose wrinkled because the pain got the best of her..or this older body is not cooperating…or I cannot find the piece..that goes somewhere in the great puzzle of life…but when I look in the mirror..I do not turn away…call me vain..call me proud…but I like me…and that in itself is an oddity this world cannot fathom…or even much allow…

Advertisements

~ by HopeGlenn on May 11, 2012.

2 Responses to “Coloring outside of the lines…”

  1. You Are Beautiful!!!

    Like

  2. No price is too great to pay for inner peace. *

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: