I thought you would happy..I was wrong…

I had two things I wanted to write about today..or more like share my thoughts on…

Each one was pulling on me..and one of them gained dominance..and became the flavor of today…

Lately this disease..has been commandeering my time and attention of great amounts..it has made me focus my thoughts..my attention onto what this is and what it is doing…and that it is moving forward..playing its role as a disease would do…

So today..after a visit to the acupuncturist..and I am able to raise my head off the pillow..and have my body be in pause from pain…I realized something…something that comes much slower to me when the thunderclaps of pain are dancing in my skull and spine…

I have had to think more about the repercussions of the years of being punched..etc..have done to this psyche..and this frame…and it appears the body is fairing much worse than my psyche..my emotions..ever will…

And this is the point which grabs my attention today..and moves me about the room…that I am fairing and doing quite well from the immense abuse which has perpetuated and directed much of my life..and that it disturbs others greatly that I am doing well…and that unnerves me a bit..and makes me queasy..

It appears from the actions and dialogues I have had with “some” people..that I am not going about this the right way…as they pull away from me..silent on the phone..or vile with words of what is wrong with me….

I am not hating my abusers…I have learned wisdom..and to stay away from them..yet give them accountability for their actions…

I smile..even in immense pain…and am so aware that I am a blooming miracle…and me being above ground..happy…and grateful for every second…is not the norm…

I refuse to be labelled…as having some sort of dysfunction so I allow western medicine to drug me into numbness..so I never look at the monster nibbling on my toes…

I refuse to allow another to dictate how my life is run..where I go…and how I feel…yes they may have hurt me..and I must sort my way through it..and some days be in anger..sadness..hope..and joy…to make my way through this..have it not dominate me..and be my outstanding feature..I must face it..and see what it shows me today…

Yet others do not want that for me..or at least a few I have met…they want me coiled in anger..drugged and dependent..with a label super glued to my butt…they want me to see them as my rescuer…because how could a woman..born and raised in the ghetto..abused…ever do anything than be an issue..and make sure everyone else has an issue…? Odd huh..that I am not a woman with an issue..not hate..nor needing to be rescued…

I am happy..intelligent..active in reducing violence in our society..a voice..an artist..and one struggling like everyone else…moment by moment..day by day…kind of the way it should be…

I will not..no I refuse to let this define me…because it does not..the woman you see was not formed from abuse..and does not live in the residue..the parts that did not get washed down the drain…she is made of all the personality..thoughts..and dreams when she came into being…

Yes you may see me in angst because something floated a memory in front of me..or my body has decided to unravel..rather than function..you may…yet if a frown crosses my face..it will not be from abuse..or any color someone wants to paint me today or tomorrow…

It will be..because today or that moment is being difficult..and I am attempting how to sort through this life..just like you…

And I apologize in a sort of backward way…I am not going to lie on the couch..with the label of dysfunction on me…I will not moan or clamp onto your philosophy that I have “issues” and I need medication….

I am going to say simply…I thought you would be happy..but I was wrong…

Advertisements

~ by HopeGlenn on May 2, 2012.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: