Do not know how to do this….hmmmm…

Last night after a frustrating week…and the skies cleared to show its blueness again…I realized I did not know how to do something..which is so common in our world..our life..relationship….

I have been pounding myself over the head…berating myself..and sitting in anger towards myself(which by the way is not a good place to be)..because I do not know..or have little information on “doing” a relationship…

This may sound odd..considering I was married for nigh twenty years..but it was not a relationship..and it had damaging..life implicating results during and ending the relationship..the marriage..

I think relationships are something we innately are supposed to know..at least that is my perception..my interpretation from all the sources I have paid attention to…yet I have found it to not be true…it is not a gift..a talent ..given to us when we enter this world..survival is…all sorts of things must be learned..and having a relationship is one of the many…things I have sought to learn…

My life became one of instant survival..make it through this moment..this hour..this day…so interacting..understanding..or anything short of lets see if I can do this…became my focus..and for some this is understandable…and for some..not so much…which is cool..

It was only as I was watching a show..a reality show..where people are thrown into circumstances..a lot like life..really..and have to figure it out..and it is not really character one sees..but what we do and do not know…

Character..integrity..are items which appear as one faces right and wrong..something we all know..it does not take much time or education to know these two parameters…but knowing what to do..and how to do it..are two different animals..and it scares the hell out of most people…me being one of them..

It is a lot like taking a class..perhaps something like Calculus..or writing…we sit in our chairs..holding our pencils..sweating..knowing for sure we are going to fail…we struggle..swear..spit..and rant…and know we just cannot get this…and the moment we let go and figure out we will see and do what needs to be done..it becomes crystal clear..and suddenly we get it…even if it is not our specialty..our talent ..our gift…

I have always..triumphed in the circumstances..disasters which have riddled my life…I always had a smile on my face..always made it through the day..and my clothes were not too chewed up by going through the jaws of the monsters…I was still standing…I knew had to make it through hell..most of us do..but I did not know how to do the day by day..moments..thoughts..interactions of the multiple relationships we have within our lives…I was lost..in the deep end of the pool..trying to put my toes on the bottom…while keeping my nose above the water..I was riding the roller coaster..and the operator kept me in the deep lurch..stomach in your armpits part..

And I was trying to figure something out…I had no knowledge about…and it really bummed me out..and made me angry..because I am smart..and I knew that some book..some class..I had taken…had taught me how to do a relationship with whatever title it contained…and it did not..and within that I felt like a failure..but I was not…

Facing fifty..and realizing there is a big chunk one has to learn is a bit disarming..a bit terrifying ..and wanted to have relationships..because I have entered a time in my life when relationships..gatherings of friends..thoughts actions..are those things which will keep me alive..help me handle and address the issues facing me…and I have never been here before…and I do not know how to do this…and I smile…

It is not a bad thing..or a negative thing..just a bit frustrating…so as I sit and watch the reality show..and see people thrown off the show for “not knowing how to do something”..I relax..and smile and grace appears in a majestic form…

Because once I realized I was having issues with this arena..I realized others were also…and something else was happening besides me calling everyone on the carpet for not getting me..I in ways did not get me…and I had to admit..swallow some pride..not all of it..and lay myself at the mercy of the court..and hope those who I had let in and wanted to have relationships with..would be gentle and understanding with me…knowing I was learning something new as fifty was knocking on my door…

The coolest..and most dynamic aspect of this “aha” moment is simple…I had been looking at people through a cracked lens..some people deserve that view..because they know right from wrong and still keep punching..spitting on others…but not everyone deserves the bristly judgement I decided I could serve up…

So I admit..as I giggle..that I do not know how to do this…a relationship..where someone is not punching me..and that is brutally honest…and something happened..burden lifted..as I admitted that..said it out loud…hmmmm…

And I watch the show..and I give grace to the person coiled in the corner..because they do not get it..and I can relate…

We do not know how to do this..our society gives very few clues or paths to the dynamics of this road..this space..it operates a lot on surface issues..and rarely if ever drops beneath the surface..so we see when one is cornered..the snarl and the bite..because we cannot admit or show in this world..that we do not know how to do relationships..we do not know how to connect…and it is getting harder and harder through the fascination of technology…

So I watch..the show..smile..look around me..and see these people..and myself with a different eye..and it is filled with grace..and forgiveness..and open for suggestions…and all I did was say..”I am new to this..not sure how to navigate through this..” and everything changed..

This is no longer about who can yell the loudest to tell their side of the story…it is with a gentler voice that speaks..I do not really know how to do this..and I am done with survival…and I want to learn…and every barrier..every barb..every rock thrown against the glass windows..all went away…and I just became successful…

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 27, 2012.

6 Responses to “Do not know how to do this….hmmmm…”

  1. “The power of generalizing ideas, of drawing comprehensive conclusions from individual observations, is the only acquirement, for an immortal being, that really deserves the name of knowledge.”

    -Mary Wollstonecraft

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  2. I’m not sure if the quote that I just placed here is appropriate to post?
    I don’t know how I can correct this or delete.
    What do you say?

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  3. Bravo ! and Well spoken , dear lady. I have to disagree a tad bit. Within the chaos , you and I seemed to swin,in no matter how deep the pool , there were so many endearing times , I believed was spent in our ” relationship” if that what is could be called, maybe comrads in arms. Or a intern and his charming , yet broken toy. But I still smile from time to time when the clocks stop and noise of the masses and buzzin in my mind stops. I grin and even sometimes tear up with a joy, Thank you for those times…they get me through my life with still a warm heart , I mostly forget is there….
    Peace ………….Strobie Juan Kanobie

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    • hello My friend…hello….
      we indeed swam..and learned how to get past keeping our heads above water..All odds would have hoped we would not remain friends..and only have sad..hurtful memories..yet when I think of you..I smile…oh what I learned..and bring with me in my daily walk…moment by moment…
      It is good to know..that I can make a mistake and fuddle my way through all these things and still be loved and accepted…
      You indeed are a warm, good heart..and I will arm wrestle anyone who speaks different…
      Me..always

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