Thoughts…..

I thought I might never be in this frame of mind again..in this thought pattern..or even this type of action..steps….

It is partially unconscious..and partly me walking in a comfortable path..

It wrapped around me like the fluffy robe and the slippers that hang on my feet like a second skin…and it upsets me that I am here…yet it makes me pat myself on the back…because I see what is happening….I am feeling…and wheedling my way through this…without hitting the land mines and blowing up this world I have come to be comfortable in….

I found myself caught up in another’s path and I somehow made it my own..made it what I thought I wanted..and discovered…it was not…

I heard a friend speak of giving up and acceptance of things which made her unsteady…and that scared me more than my willingness to toss my thoughts..my dreams on the forlorn path…and set full throttle upon another person’s course…

It scared me that the action to sit with archaic thought patterns was given top priority over thinking for self..and acknowledging the big red monster sitting with you as you have your morning coffee…

The ease into which one can slip into believing one is in deficit because one is single, alone….and trying to find steady ground…

I felt the spark..the acknowledgement of the slippery slope on my part…and was grateful…yet I ached for seeing…and hearing the life slip out of my friend..and I liked where I was sitting…And I searched for words to make the path brighter..cheerier…and realized I would be doing my friend a disservice if I did anything but tell the truth..in a gentle form..and I winced..because this person has grabbed my heart…

I realized I had gotten to a place..of seeing outside of my self..and I also could see the other person..the other view…and it was good if I said no…

I sit and am ecstatic that one I care for… a friend..an acquaintance has gotten to a place where they see their value and their contribution in this space we all inhabit…it is quite a feat..quite a daily task to find that place and then to rest in it…sometimes squirming in my seat….

Yet I also find it a great feat…a miracle in some sense..that I am able to be proud of another..yet also say..this or that is not for me..and I cannot disappear into what you believe and have found..to be with you…

I also have found great relief in saying the truth of me..of how I feel today..or even right this minute…and that I can stand alone in me..and be with you…in many capacities…

To sit today..and say I hate these tremors..I hate that I have not slept..and my spirits are down..and that it is all good..it is so good I smile…because I got me..I trust me..I like me…

As I sit here in my gardening jeans..dirt under my fingernails…and blond ponytail…and my favorite t-shirt….I learn…me..and without that I am lost…

I have the confidence..the security..the knowing my happiness is important..to say…I am turning this way..I am leaning this way…I am trying another path..

Part of it…one can join me..and part another cannot…this is my path…this is your path…and I am glad we got to meet upon this path..this journey…

And I would like to hear about your day…and what brought you here…tell me about the tears..tell me about the smiles…in knowing you..I get to know me…and realize I am not in deficit..I am not alone….and that deserves a smile….

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 20, 2012.

One Response to “Thoughts…..”

  1. Dear Mandy

    With your soft and touching candor, you write with great
    sympathy, and a deft touch of suspense and wonderment in your writings.
    I sincerely admire your emotional bravery!
    You truly know how to express your feelings in a way that touches my heart and soul.
    You are healing yourself in such a right and profound way in every second of your challenging life I see.
    You are living proof that we can and should try to live our lives to it’s fullest potential as best as we can and that a person positively can overcome tremendous tragedies from deep inside your soul.
    In this process you have, inadvertantly, been helping in my own healing process in waves of inspirational, motivational, spiritual and meaningful prose.
    I know that the garden that you are tending is going to be a truly magical one.
    You are living life to it’s fullest as best as you can.You go lady!
    I appreciatiate all of your efforts of communication to me and other folks as well.
    I thank you for this.

    *Jeannine

    Like

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