I awoke this morning to a symphony of sounds..each one startling me to their ability to cooperate and hold a space in this world..each one piled on one another..reminding me of events..activities..thoughts which had brought me to this space..a space of hesitancy..not one I had been in often..yet one I was pleased I had now entered…and it reminded me to not hesitate..to run like the wind with words..actions..that oozed out of the soul…like the sweetness of chocolate pudding..and the blanket wrapped around you in comfort..

Hesitating for a person like me is not a strong quality..yet it is a quality which needs to be strengthened..learned ..fine tuned…because I go and go..and sometimes ..rarely think about the what if’s from my decisions and actions…so I decided..over the last couple of months to pause..hesitate…because my body..along with my brain..were now demanding..no discussion… that I reflect..over and over again…I was on permanent pause..just like a dvd in the player…

I had been up later than I planned last night..I finished the last printing of the first book and silently stacked and smiled as the pages moved themselves through the printer..one by one I stacked them up and smiled as the pile grew and grew…and I wait in pause..brief..comforting moments..as to what these words have done for me…and what they will do for others..as I refused to hesitate…and hide my words anymore…

As I watched the words come visible on paper..new words came to me…and I began the journey of a second book..a book that is reminiscent of the symphony of sounds that prodded me back into consciousness this morning and over the years..thoughts that I needed to make changes and step into a position I was not quite used to..a position which made me uncomfortable..yet one I was bound to explore…

I slept a bit scattered throughout the night..I left words hanging on the keyboard..and knew they would greet me when I awoke..they hung with me like low flying clouds on that day which threatened to rain..they hummed..and chilled me..because they reminded me again of something I did not want to do..because I had been told I could not do it..funny how as I stand on the precipice of fifty..I still think first with the insecure..little girl who hesitates when she reaches for pink..because she is told it is not strong…

Hesitancy in some acts can prove to be our best friend..the drawing back of the hand..the quieting of the lips..the moment we consider if this is the best option..the best course of action..and of course it comes from all sorts of arenas and positions..my hesitancy is from doubt..doubt I have accumulated..and in writing these books and thoughts I have given them back to their rightful owners..

My hesitancy has been off for some years..yet I find it comes to me now in some of my most valuable moments and for that I am most grateful..hesitancy I thought was a curse…yet has become my best friend..

There are times I wished I had hesitated..drawn back and only listened to the core of me…like listening to the “girls” telling me to go out to a dance club..and there I met my abuser…and from that point on..up to this day..I doubt everything..and must sit with me..and it seems like an eternity..and think..”what is it I want..need to be doing..hoping to gain…

Hesitancy should have been used when I used the step ladder to help me stand on the washing machine to grab the tool basket which held my staple gun..a woman with a degenerative disease needs to think twice..maybe five or six times before performing such an act..I became stuck as I lifted a box..standing precariously on the machine..rigidity kicked in..arm cramped and I was a prisoner until my brain told my body to cooperate..so I could stumble my way off the machine..noting there was way too many cobwebs in the corners of that room…

Hesitancy in speaking words I did not mean..and were just reflective of the hurt..or perhaps dismay which had piled up on me..words I never spoke to another soul..only to me..in the quiet space of my life..and the hesitancy I used as a weapon to me..now became the wisest decisions I were to make..the hesitancy allowed me to sit..compose thoughts..write letters..provide facts..and sort out what was really happening and what was I feeling…so that which I thought was a fault..my enemy..was my friend…

Many can say..at least I can..that they wished they had this when they were younger..as they plodded around in the arena of rash..thoughtless decisions..I always used it as my excuse..blamed it on everything but my lack of being able to look about..and respond with the best step forward..we can blame it on youth..the constant alertness of a world that never shuts off..events which have caused us to react..many things..the funny thing is..is I did have this when I was younger..I simply disregarded it and blamed my lack of hesitancy on the brashness of youth…the frivolity..which caused me to make my worst decisions…

I can blame my friends for making me think the life I was living was wrong..in my solitude..and toss the dreams I had aside for their thoughts..yet I dolled myself up..drove to another city..entered a place I despised and talked to a man who made my skin crawl..I give him accountability for his actions..yet I give myself accountability for mine…

I can blame many others..many things..in many ways..and there is solid grounding and truth for the way one thinks..backtracks..doubts..and speaks unkindly to oneself..taking a course of action which proves near fatal to them..and at times those are the only vehicles..choices we have..and sometimes we stay there..our life on permanent pause..forever….

Yet my hesitancy..my thinking I cannot do this..I cannot fight for myself..or my continual self annihilation of  my  intelligence and appearance..is by my choice..my hesitancy to believe everyone else and to not look at me..to not look about me..and not see where I have come from..and where I am now..and I make no sense..and should not be above ground…

So last night as I pondered the book..wrote new thoughts..I made a miracle list..I pulled out the notebook..grabbed my thoughts and began..to me miracles are as simple as the fact I can use my right arm today..because the rigidity..cramps..and tremors have given me access today…placed the disease on pause..or they can be as huge as the food in my refrigerator..and other things which show me..that this universe is acknowledging I am walking on the right path…

Hesitancy has now become my best friend..my best thought..it caused me pause..reflection… and as I sit here and hear the sounds of this neighborhood..pile up..one by one..cars passing..birds talking amongst themselves..the beep beep of the dump truck backing up..the coffee pot simmering away…my fingers on the keyboard.

I appreciate hesitancy..it has made me grateful..when I was not feeling such…because I was angry at a disease..it offered affirmation of the knowledge I have obtained and share in my voice..my words..and blessings as I watched that miracle list grow longer and longer..filling the pages..and I stand in awe..

In this world that refuses to reflect..refuses to pause..and many times even think..I offer hesitancy..and color it beautiful..because it can be the one moment..the one action..which leads to a thousand actions of where doubt..lies and no hope..are not allowed to be inhabitants..hesitancy…which refuses to let me be the punching bag of my demons whether handed to me..by another or ones I have chosen to carry…

Hesitancy…paused..thought..and the moment is different….


~ by HopeGlenn on April 9, 2012.

One Response to “Hesitancy…”

  1. Dear Mandy
    This is total chaos in such a brief moment in time for anbody to go through!
    It must seem like an eternity when you have such a disatarous
    and life threatening situation happen that you would not think it would be such a difficult task such as reaching for an iten in a cupboard, in your condition, yikers there woman!
    Mandy, I have to confess that your comment about the lousy cobwebs made me kind of chuckle but then I came back to the dreadful reality of this event.
    Something that in the past was something so simple to complete without fail this is a terrible accident but you certainly have learned a lot from this.
    It makes me wonder about how I should take more heed in certain moments in time which I already have been looking forward to with patience.
    What you are going through is something we all need to learn from.
    I have to say that you’ve learned about trials and tribulations in the most harsh and extreme environments.
    At first I don’t know how to react to your statements in such any type of disriptive or proper fashion as you truly make perfectly clear in your writing.
    But at least I can try, aye. I do hope that you correct me in anything I come up with is innapropriate to discuss. Somehow I think you are more understanding then I know right now.
    I too hesitate and ponder about my own life and know that I truly can’t show you an answer to anything towards your way of living.
    We certainly try our hardest and be optimistic and look at the bright side of living.
    This is one of the reasons why I tend to have a goofy sense of humor too.
    But I do think it’s a great accomplisment when even a person like me can relate and understand you and how you live with such pain and misery with even a flicker of hope to carry on and just be you. But to me you seem to have a lot of sparks left in you.
    I know that for the most part I am sort of simple minded, but with your words and feelings you write on are are truthfully deep and meaningful to my higher intellectual capacities.
    Was English your fav study in school?
    Mine was. I had nice and caring teachers in different schools, they had to be really patient beacause I know now that I have learning difficulties but luckily we succeded and I learned a lot and for this I am very grateful.
    I’m sure that proper punctuations and the likes aren’t too precise though. 🙂
    Let’s forget about typos right. Lol!
    Although math related subjects were a constant drag in my case. 😛

    I try and think of your life and how I might react to myself given the same situtions like you have and are experiencing. I don’t think that I would need any assistance either because I too am stubborn and set in my ways.
    But maybe at some point I might have to relax a bit more and possibly consider having a trustworthy individual come and help me with a few tasks … and maybe not.
    Now that I’ve read this … how can I trust anyone so far? Will I not have a choice?
    We’ll see further on down the road no doubt, if I have some wits still around count me in.
    But then we think is there anyone who would even want to help us a bit aye.
    Doggonit you are a tough cookie!
    You know how to explain things so eloquently in detailed notes that hardcore readers and any type of individual can truly take heart to and understand what you’ve gone through in this life. I know that millions of folks will be able to learn and some relate from your lifes story.
    Maybe they are going through or have lived and of course survived in their plight for
    peace and freedom.
    Your book will and should be a must read true sensation.
    Yours Truly, *Jeannine


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