Hope..my way…?

I am bouncing around the room today…figuring out if I am able to define and sit with my physical illnesses in my scope..my way..without friends..leaving me because I have chosen a holistic..wholesome path..rather than a drug..controlled..making me toxic format..?

It may go smoother than I think…I lean more to the positive..I look at the glass being half full..but then I notice I want it filled all the way..with the beverage of my choice…so I guess I want it all…and that is not necessarily a bad thing..it is just seeing things from a different perspective..

I have a disease which gets public attention..because celebrities have it..so more research..more money is thrown into that court..that arena..than in ones like MS or maybe STD’s…thought is given..hope is given by lofty happy books..telling of great adventures of conquering this disease and how they are the master of it..not the reverse or opposite…I wanted to believe it was attitude…yet I realized it was money..money to achieve the absolute best medical care wherever it was…availability to be a guinea pig and you tell when…and the ability to color this disease to make it as pretty as this world of money wants to make it..but it is not a pretty disease..and never will be..and most celebrities who have this disease..did not spend most of their lives being thrown across a room..punched and hearing things break…and never having care…all except one who chose to be a boxer and have his head beaten..because that is what boxing is all about…

It is also not pretty what years of having a spine beaten with fists..and various other objects..being punched in the face by your father the boxer..and then later by your husband..or smacked in the head by your child..the results of being thrown across the room..held up by your neck..are not easy things to look at..and counseling..therapy help ease them..yet there is the majestic consequences of what is does to your body…

For years I have crunched..stumbled..ached..and been so pain filled..and seriously never knew why…I thought my fighting back..my prayers to the courts would abolish..make it disappear what had been enacted on me..I believed I would walk away from this..like a movie star from a car explosion..maybe a cut or two..but my dashing good looks and body would all be intact..and a stiff martini would make it all okay…silly how we think that…

Yet I am not okay..not even in the ball park..and today I am not referencing just me..and many times I am not..I am referencing the groups of women I have sat with in meetings and heard them each moan..snap..crunch..and silently sigh through their eyes of the pain they deal with..issues of functioning..and have no definition for…

It is the people I see walking around with pain covering their face and people tell them to smile..because they think we are just being grumpy..happened to me yesterday…and today…It is the ones who have been told..if you deal with this my way..I will stay..I will love you..if you go to doctor after doctor..and let them give you words upon words to define and label you..let them fill you with drugs that in reality do so little to help..and eventually are great toxins in our body..but we take them anyway..because it is what the world says we are to do..the right way..and then we are approved by those who say they care…

I can no longer hear another thing wrong with this body…because I already know it is damaged..I already know my longevity on this earth is reduced and it no longer scares me..it angers me that someone took my life and possibilities from me..and I had no hand in it..

A child cannot be punched..twisted up and thrown across the room without getting broken all up..a woman cannot be beaten..with hands and objects..kicked and pushed and not be okay..and not have every turn of her head..every arm..leg..hand and feet movements..be accompanied by snaps..crunches..stabbing pains…compacted vertebrae..so bone is on bone..they cannot go through one day without something misfiring…something not working..a searing burning pain in spine and the headache from hell that morphine will barely touch..

I was diagnosed over six years ago..told I had something else because I did not have money and very poor insurance..so I could not afford to pay doctors exorbitant fees..outrageous fees..so I was lied to..even though you think they cannot..think about the fact..that they can allow your daughter to be pregnant..have an abortion and you never know about it..and then tell me they do not lie and this is a profit world on the sickness of people…

I also have issues that I do not have a name for..all I can do is describe them..and what is happening..I was due to get x-rays so I would see the full scope of damage to my spine…I was ready to go..but I declined..because I knew I was doing it to make another happy..to make them stay and find me worthy of love..I found out that I cannot know another thing…I cannot bear it..I do not want to know…I already know and live with inside of my soul the memories of the beatings and what has occurred without my consent…I want to handle this my way..and for that I may lose friends..people who say they love me…

And this is a choice all should have..whatever they are battling..they should be allowed to view and sample from the smorgasbord of options..just not the one issued from our medical world..whatever they choose they choose..yet I hope they research it from every angle and possibility available..and find out what each and every option will do to them..both mentally..emotionally and physically…and I hope those around them can accept the path they travel upon..

I have decided a path best for me..a path which is 99% holistic..I am going to use what this earth has naturally provided for me..I will choose pain management options that do not hurt my damage and cause toxic buildup..and I realize there may be times I will be in the emergency room asking for pain relief because the damage has escalated to a new level..I will do what I can today..and face later as it comes about..I will realize that my mind will tell me I am much more capable of doing things than I am able..I will trade off doing one thing for another and not be superwoman anymore…and I hope those around this soul will let me follow my path…

Because I cannot bear one more x-ray..one more pill..one more scan..one more doctor putting their hands on me and asking me if I hurt..I cannot bear one more explanation as to how my spine became broken and disjointed..and how I do today..I cannot…I do not want to give anymore time..nor my precious finances to this..we all know it will eventually make me a prisoner in my own body..and thus I will be at the mercies of another..and they will do as they please..and what they feel is to the best for me viewed through their eyes…

I want my money spent on the things and places that make me smile…I want to hold things in these hands and feel the energy of color flow through me…I wan to paint vivid pictures with lines not quite so good or straight because tremors are present every day..every moment..I do not want to give my time to counter  drugs affecting me..I want it to be towards the quilt my heart is itching to touch..and the dress I want to design…

I want to spend it digging in the earth..and seeing hope grow..and then resting myself in an herb filled tub..a cup of tea..candles and healing music…to ease the pain…not just in this body…I want to smile out of pure joy because the thoughts were from my head..not from drugs that numb me..take away all creative forces fighting for my time…I want to be fully present..even if it means I sit..in the chair with a blanket..in the dead heat of summer and listen to words you speak to me…

I want it my way..just like you want your life your way..I do not want to miss the opportunity this universe has given me to be a voice..to speak..to be an activist…to be an artist…I will not be smothered…I did that too long and it has cost me greatly…It has cost my children greatly as they were drugged into cooperation and now use anything they can to numb themselves..to forget..and because they believe looking and feeling what has happened will kill them…it will not..yet you will be sad..for a time..and that is good…

I hope that you will fight for your right..and most people hate that world..to deal with this life..the items you are facing on your terms..that you will look beyond the billboard saying..ONE WAY…and go another…I hope you will have sorrow for those who are facing diseases and have no options…I hope you will extend grace..ask questions..and forever know..we are all in this together…strands hold us like golden threads…and we all feed into this system…

I hope you will allow me to say today…my upper spine hurts and it is hard to lean forward today..and my hands are numb..sort of…and not tell me to shut up and take some drug so I am silenced…I will give the same to you..and understand your choice is your choice and I support it with all of my being…

I hope we all grasp..there is more than one way..two ways even ten ways to deal with disease..illness..problems..life…and the fact you just want to eat chocolate today and cry….

I hope….

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 4, 2012.

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