Eeps Privilege….

I have the opportunity..I was going to say privilege… but I do not like what that brings up in me…of waking up each morning to light filtering through lace curtains..curtains I made years ago and took down during my divorce and the transparency of my life being revealed to me..not in small, digestible pieces..but in large, formidable chunks that need large glasses of water and contemplation to swallow..

I took them down because in my mind they did not represent the strong..wonder woman position I had to stand in..lace..and pink did not fit into the picture of the journey I was walking through..and the rocky climb I was bound to endure…what would have suited me best..in my thoughts..was camouflage in the color of business suits..and makeup used to alter..and confuse others as to my appearance..I was to be one tough cookie..and I was not..

I was the artist with long, wavy blond locks…who liked to write searing poetry..and make life happen…I wanted to believe that all had good intentions..yet I met few who did..it is at this point I placed myself in the superwoman box..and progressed to show the world..I could handle anything..and it was time to bring it on…

I thought I was the only one…the only one hiding in my clothes…doing lists of chores pages long..and handling the brutality which was thrown at me from new angles and perspectives..that took me a minute to handle..adjust to..I was accustomed to in my face…stab you when I am looking at you..now it was all back doors..and cracks in windows..and I was raw…

It is here I sat for a number of years..here I sat with my beliefs of failure..uselessness..and position of negligence in this world..I sucked into all the quotes..held onto all the fairy tales..yet somehow never lost my awareness of gratitude..

Recent events have caused me to propel my being into the finality of this book..and then face and detail my daily walk with a disease…recent events have caused me to sit my butt on my couch and watch another assist me on the things I did for my children..and for anyone else in the vicinity…recent events have allowed me to grasp thoughts I never knew were part of humanity and this thing we call life…

I have come to see that most quotes about strength and courage..were stated after a person conquered the event..I wondered what the quotes would be during the event..when one thought they were losing what little mind they had left…I wondered if they would be the words banging off the sides of my brain as I encountered an event yesterday…?

Would they contain the scream towards the heavens as my arm decide rigidity was its best possible position..? would it be the expletives that I hurled at myself and was so sitting in anger..misdirected..because I had done nothing to cause the actions of this disease and multiple other physical failures and degeneration…?..or would I politely explain to my readers today and my friends..that it was all okay…it would be fine…it would be a nice sunny day…?

So after years of camouflage..and speaking lofty quotes…I placed the curtains of lace back up..and I turned my eye to others I saw all holding in and contained..and began to notice a difference…

I can be livid..and I am about this disease and damage running like wildfire through me…because I do not deserve it…I did nothing to achieve this…

I can be grieving the killing of people because someone overloaded themselves on the propaganda we feed into each other and this world..to believe ending of life is the only option and is the clearest..speaks in volumes of what we have made important..what we have seared into our consciousness as valuable and truth..and how we placate with quotes by famous names..and are only seen as viable beings if we are acknowledged by a movie star..

Here is my hesitancy in the finishing of this book…here is the unsteady ground I walk on…I have the courage to speak about what happened..and the shame of it..is long gone…yet I attack this from another angle..I speak volumes of truth..I give names…I tell about what this did to me..and what I will bet my life on..does to all of us…I place the responsibility on those who committed the crimes..and not for a moment allow the words to seep in that I stayed because I liked to be beaten..or there is something wrong with me..I cannot let go..or perhaps my favorite from the DA(while my ex was stalking and terrorizing me)…you have not moved on..you have not let go…look he is married again..get yourself a guy and stop this silliness….this is from those who are to “protect and serve”…hmmm

I have decided to let the blame lie where it belongs…I have enough things I have to deal with..things I did not bring about..or purchase at the superstore of stupidity..or in religious terms..this is not my cross to bear…this is not my problem to seek a solution to..and it is not my duty to protect the image of the abuser..and the many individuals who feel it is simply okay to destroy human beings because they will not cooperate with their view on things..it is not my duty to make this all pretty with rose colored glasses..and blowing sunshine up your ass with cute quotes…

It is my obligation..my privilege..to speak..to not hide this and tell them and you I have no shame…that I am fighting for my life to breath…it is my privilege to tell others your name so another is not caught in their snare and spend an eternity trying to figure out which way is up…so I will speak..I will write..and if you do not like what I say..there are plenty of other people to read or engage your life with…I am not here to please anyone…I am here to be what was created when this soul entered my body..and I am to honor that…instead of dirtying it..and then condoning it so I am able to be in sweeter, more digestible pieces..

So as I look out the lace curtains I have put back up and the pink curtains in other rooms..I am in awe…because I have made it through this..this destruction of beings we play in like fountains of filth…I have discovered through to the other side…and to be honest..I did not think I could make it..

So no..I do not offer forgiveness or even peace with my ex..and sadly my sons..neighbors who to this day provide him with information about me…or even the religious hypocrisy running rampant across this land..I offer them my back..my steel toed boots…ability to say..you did not deserve me..you were lucky to have me…and I am lost to you forever…and I sit in the arms of the Creator…and the pain of this disease..the wounds of this life..the moments of doubt are all there..yet bandaged..and recognized by the one who made this woman…

Not superwoman..not the team player…not the negligent one who parades myself in vanity and actions of stealing people’s souls..and then stomping on them..

No..me..quiet..shy..frail..strong..graceful..angry..poet..writer..Libra..justice seeker..who smiles a lot..even while the tears slip down my face…

So this is not about trying to convince another that I am allowed to speak truth..even in its abrupt and startling form I have chosen..to speak about what should not have happened..and because one has chosen to do it anyway..and continue until I am silenced..allows me the right..the privilege to name them..detail them..so you do not miss them on the street..and hope your daughters never meet my sons…to hope you never have my ex do work for your company..to hope his wife never is around your children..because she will steal them..because she can have none and believes they are hers to take..

It is my privilege to look out the lace curtains…grimace as I pull my arm up to release possibly the rigidity and muscle which is rock hard..to flinch like I have been needled with electric shocks…to say…”how could you”..?

Because be prepared..always..if one inflicts damage on another..to see your name on a billboard..written across the pages of a book…because the moment you lay hands on another..you lose the right..the privilege to anonymity and silence..you now get to play in my playground…you get to see how some of us..do not fade away..some of us..get out of the box..climb the mountain…gain courage…and do not waste their time in forgiveness..from one who is not seeking forgiveness from me…

Some of us..stand tall..and put on the bold..gaudy dress of unacceptable responses as a woman…put on red lipstick..have tattoos..and go to the awards party…and smile…

And for some reason..I think there are a whole lot more standing with me..

For some reason..I feel the tables turning…the winds are bringing in change..change I thought would never happen…and I am not scared anymore…because it is done…because I said so..in my words…my way…

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 3, 2012.

2 Responses to “Eeps Privilege….”

  1. 1Adam12 ~10-4

    More power! Yeah!
    God and our angels are with us!
    Right On!
    I don’t have to add anything on your
    life story here.
    Just know that I understand a lot more about
    your feelings than I can express for now
    We are, some of us, connected spiritually in some
    shape or form.
    The possibilities are endlessly thought provoking,
    for me, if not for others.
    I love the way you express yourself.
    Love, Jeannine R.
    P.S.
    It’s sort of refreshing for me to see that another person has the means to
    express their inner feelings all in such a candid way and for people to get it.
    I am am back here to continue writing this after a death of a friend at 5:00pm California time.
    I was the go between with the woman who was with him and everyone involved. I heard her scream out and I immediately knew that something bad had taken place..
    I ran to her a s fast as I can and did my best to console her.
    This is the first time that I’ve experienced an event l;like this.
    I was also the main communicator between their respective relatives and the E MT’s on the scene. She is surrounded by family now after I called them and her Pastor., The coroner is still there asking questions and doing what Coroner’s do.. after we watched them take Kin’s body to the morgue. We cried a lot of tears and prayed for the deceased as they took him away.
    I feel sad and a bit lonely right now, as it is, but I will keep myself together as well as I can.
    I feel kind of good that I was there for my friend. Anyway I had everyone’s back.
    The Captain, Jeff from the EMT team even shook my hand and complimented me on helping with the situation. Of course I thanked him for all of their help.
    That’s a good note to end with.
    hugs~*Jeannine
    P.S.
    I have a mushy but relevant poem that I’ve been wanting to send to you but I’m shy and concerned, just like like you are sometimes, and yes I worry that you might take it the wrong way or take it and back the heck away even further away from our friendship as it stands
    here. But in actuality it can’t hurt us because we’ll never be too close for comfort ever in person anyway. So we are safe.
    I sort of feel like I’m treading to much on your personal time and don’t tell me I’m not. And honestly I’m okay with this sort of non threatening , now and again type of interactions. I bet your really curious now though. Lol!
    My feelings don’t get so hurt anymore.
    Besides all this, it’s fun to try and figure out what the heck we’re talking about at some points and read between the lines.
    I thrive on knowing other peoples opinions or thoughts on different subjects
    and I also enjoy learning from my mistakes.

    Now I’ve got to ramble on!
    So long for now.
    More hugs~*J.R.
    Over and out.

    Like

    • Hello Lady,
      Thank you for the enormity of your thoughts and words towards me…I thank you for allowing me the peek inside to what I am..I am glad these words help and bring thought to others..I am ecstatic to see another get me..because in that they get themselves..and that is a gift indeed…

      Like

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