Detox 101

I have been doing this DIET……nobody run or flee or think crazy thoughts…it is a detox diet..centering on our body cleaning out all those things we fill in the gaps with..satiate ourselves with and spackle all the holes in our being with…

My first thought was to take off a couple of pounds I thought I needed…not really…yet I was inclined to this diet because it was one I had done after surgeries and having my sons by caesarean…times when your body is filled with many drugs and your system..this fabulous body is trying to operate while filled with damaging material..that does not just effect us physically..yet also does impact to us mentally..emotionally..spiritually…

So I chose this diet that they use for heart patients and its main focus is detoxify..and lose weight before one fully does battle with a disease…it allows one to almost have a clean state…at least a clearer..more focused direction…because we all know we cannot undo what has been done…

I felt it was time to at least attempt a “cleaning out” if I can so define it that way..without bringing too many uncomfortable visuals to the table….I wanted to face some things..(I know that sounds rough)..without external flies..sounds..nonsense..defining it…I wanted to look it in the eye..and just feel it or not…this was my goal..this was my mission…and as a woman..losing a few pounds would not be a bad thing either…funny how we think that way..and we wonder why…?

Daily..second by second we fill our minds and bodies with toxins.. our bodies at first combat us in incorporating these toxins within us..than it becomes an easier pass right through the front door because of how we tend to believe and think about ourselves….it is easier and an instantly gratifying path than the slow meticulous journey of detoxifying..accepting blessings..and acknowledging the beauty within self and all around one…

I found myself grumpy…because I wanted my soda…my endless snacking of candies to help me forget that I have a degenerative disease..and other conditions I have no name for..they just sit with me and remind me of my life before today..and it was calling..speaking and demanding my full on attention….my candy helped me place on the back burner..those issues I had relegated to “another day”…my ignoring me and the majesty of how the body speaks to us..was given to another to interpret…I was going to avoid…

So I decided to look at this life..this being..and look at what was scaring me out of my mind…

Words like abandonment..rejection….favor…all popped into my head….oh yes and inconvenience…I did not for a moment allow it to sink into me of the inconvenience of this disease and my life..it was just about others and how my decision to see if I was progressing where I should..looking at what I should…speaking as I should..was impacting this world and did I want to believe that I had no impact..no purpose and better off silent in the safe little box on the shelf…

This disease I have is neurological..it is the slow..and sometimes rapid attack on the body..to where you lose control of every function…I also have issues..conditions in this body from years of abuse..things I have not been given definition for…but I can describe as crunchy..and brittle…and shooting electric pains…the aspects of getting out of abuse..yet knowing there are effects..consequences on the body from being pummeled..punched..kicked..smacked..and for a moment I must pause and recognize that these happened to me…

I was not able until most recently..as I progress on this diet to really see what is happening..what is going on..and to speak about how I feel…so as I ate this soup and drank my water and ate more food than I have ever eaten..I started to find myself in a space I had hoped did not exist…reality…

My tremors had increased…they were visible..and they were on both sides of me…the fatigue that rolled over me second by second was suffocating me..tripping and having my feet go in opposite directions was maddening and allowed me to accumulate bruises to decorate my legs and side with..

The crunchy sounds in my neck and the twisty curve of my spine were now like badges I wore…It suddenly dawned on me..I was suffering..and I needed to face it…I needed to see the thoughts I was speaking to my soul were twisted and toxic..and it was time to change it..

For two days my body refused to release the toxins..it held fast to them..it was too comfortable with them..and so was everyone else….I was too comfortable with being uncomfortable in my skin..thinking negative about me…thinking I had no purpose..and hoping I did not…and believing that I should be silent and deserved little..and the way to deal with issues..events..actions in my life was to be defined by others…never me…

On the third day..my body could no longer contain all the self hate..negativity..self abuse..and lies I was feeding myself..it gave up and so did I…in so many areas…my tremors and spinal pain increased and increased…and I spent part of the day sobbing…and decided it was not time to hide this…I wore it in my body and my face..yet there was this light in my eyes..something was clearer..more connected..more aware and I consider myself pretty aware..I suddenly was on the other side of the looking glass…I suddenly allowed myself with no reservation to be angry..sad..miserable…whole..breathing slower..shy..and needing a hug…

I saw that all the toxins..all those false beliefs..all those lies we feed ourselves were blocking me..were providing only a one way view..and being strong and mighty..taking on the world all the time..would be my downfall..it would be my loss to not give myself the same grace..and acknowledgement..clearance I provided to others….

As I stood on the other side of the looking glass..things became clearer and truthful about others..I was no longer coloring them from the distortions of self or what I wanted to place on them to feed my issues..I was looking at them…I saw motives..whether one was black inside and using others for some painful gain..or whether one was attempting with the fibers in their being to be in service to self and then reaching out the hands in aid to another…I saw those keeping score and those who just did because they liked how it good it  felt..

And in seeing all this I was able to make better..informed decisions..I was better able to sit with me..I was better able to decide for myself…I was able to watch my hands shake..rattle and roll…and know this was real…I was able to sit on the floor after tripping from my feet thinking they should turn the other way..I could acknowledge that which I had spent a lifetime avoiding…me…

I learned to ease the ache of facing reality…I saw flowers..and pretty pictures..and beautiful music..and met laughter at the oddest moments..and I allowed myself to be hugged and told it was not okay how I felt..and I saw another fight for me..tell me they could see what could be done…

So as I sit here..letting my body detox..looking forward to another bowl of soup…I hurt..my heart is complaining and shock waves seem to want my attention too much today…and I will listen..and I will not tell myself…i am being silly..selfish..or a burden..

And for some reason…some sudden and majestic way..I am able to see you…I know that sounds like I have been selfish…I call it more stupid…because I have been…I have viewed the world for too long through the eyes of my ex-husband, my father and a few other assorted individuals…I have allowed them to tell me I was ugly, stupid and useless and that this world was garbage…

But today…I see you..thus I see me…and guess what…you are beautiful….

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 2, 2012.

3 Responses to “Detox 101”

  1. So Happy You Finally see what I had always seen ..A wonderful Light Being…..

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    • Thank you friend…you have always seen what I have not quite captured..yet I see a few glimpses here and there…you make me smile..and that is worth more than I can describe…love you..

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  2. An excellent post, providing something good to read,it’s just good to came across the post on hand sets and its features.
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