Not so slowly slipping away….

I awoke today with the news of another young person losing their life….over some prejudice we as a society have placed upon every individual we encounter or view through our narrow lens…

I do not expect to make anyone happy with what I write today..I expect no kudos..and I am prepared for the words or fire and distaste which will most likely rain upon me for speaking my heart…

I have been a writer for a number of years and in the last year I have near compiled my book..describing my journey of abuse from childhood through my marriage and the results abuse has upon a person and the surrounding individuals and areas…

I have experienced resistance..if I can coin that term in regards to speaking about my abuse…and I have found that the reactions have been commonplace…as if there is no affect on persons anymore about abuse and injustices which plague our world…

It appears as if we gasp for a moment and then move on to whatever catches our fancy…and then we reprimand one for speaking about the abuse..crime..injustice …over and over again…we tell them to think happy thoughts…and throw quotes and quips at them..as if that will soothe the pain of having life snatched from them…

I can relate on one level to the family which has lost this young man in such a wrong way…I have had babies beaten out of me..children I love stolen from me..and my brother..my best friend..murdered blocks from where I was standing…and to this day..each plague me with pain..indescribable…

And slowly day by day I am numbed down…along with others to the tragedies we now find so commonplace…I have been led to believe that my silence would be preferred over my voice…because I speak into areas many would like silent…I have been led to believe that it would be best if I silently put my book…the words of my heart..away in the drawer and forgotten..so later after I have left this place..we can all remember for a very brief second..how well I handled the outrage of abuse that has ruled my life for forty-nine years…

I have been led to believe that forgiving my abusers…forgetting the crimes…and making myself as pleasing to a society as possible…by showing my lack of anger…my lack of judgement…and my lack of self care..to preserve another is what I am supposed to be doing…each time I step into those dynamics…my body decides to move to shut down..and remind me in so many ways the disregard I have given myself for many a year…is no longer allowed…

The disregard I have given myself and given clearance to abusers..the criminals…and I will not give them another name..I will not give them some pleasing position so I or anyone else can go about their day pleasantly…I will not give this non-human man who took this young man’s life…just as he was figuring out how to live…I will not give the abuser…who tries in so many ways to take my life..any clearance…and I will spend every waking moment and ability to make sure his name is known…

I will no longer hold my head down…and hope I can survive on cute stories and quotes and that fake love streamed through the airways..pumped at me through sites will ease or change anything…I will be outraged…I will be despondent…I will be at a loss…

Because that is the way we have set up this world…in a belief that if the victim speaks up..and is screaming through whatever means necessary…they are wrong…we only hear a small sliver of what they say..and only if it includes forgiveness and we want to hug that person…the one who took away our child..our innocence..our peace…and overall our life…

We have set this world up to give more attention to a movie star…a sports team…a politician…and we have been conditioned to believe we have to play by their rules…and I realize that I have played by their rules for some years and it has been a number of years since I have not…and for that I am proud…

Because I will not condone the secrets..lies…actions which inflict damaging..crumbling pain on others…I will talk…I will scream..and I will yell like my friend I know who will never be silent about the murder of his sister…and how he must keep screaming…because we have shut ourselves off from what is happening in our world…and I hope I lose so called friends…I hope they have the guts to make it plain and clear that they care about nothing…

Today I will be overwhelmed…by this young man’s death…by the evil that runs the man who took this man’s life and the evil that runs throughout our society..like a river..gathering speed and power…I will be overwhelmed because his story was right next to the Hollywood starlet and her audacious outfit..she dared to wear..and that makes me sick…

I will be overwhelmed..because I have been lulled into a belief…through words like fists…that have told me..I must be silent…I must make my history pleasing..and I must have it approved by those we find commendable in our society….and in my nightmare of being overwhelmed…I will speak…I will tell the story which needs to be heard…and myself…along with others I know…who are fighting..questioning…speaking…the words we cringe at hearing…will continue on…and broadcast to those who have attempted to silence many voices….

Stop telling me to not dwell or look at my past….I am doomed to repeat history..fall into the same pit if I do not look from where I have come and experienced…

Stop telling me to forgive…some things are not forgivable…I just have the courage to say that…and I do not believe in your God…and neither do you….

Stop telling me to smile….and that I will be treated fairly….

And I will live today…this moment perhaps…and face what years of abuse have rained upon this person…my family..my friends…and people I read about….like the parents of the young man who was killed….

Our world is in a crisis..let’s hope we are more concerned about our parents we have shuffled to the back of the house or center because they are ill and useless…let’s hope we are more concerned about the children being abused…and kept alive for sadistic pleasure…let’s hope we are more concerned about the issue that threatens our life are sitting in our living room right now…let’s hope we are more concerned about the issues of becoming captives in our own land through government…let’s hope we are concerned for the person on the corner..or the vast numbers of people who will never receive medical care…

Let’s hope we are concerned….but lately…it appears we are not…and that is a sadness which will never go away…

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~ by HopeGlenn on March 20, 2012.

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