Is this ending a beginning….

Endings always resonated with me…as final, demanding…the final statement…..and to be honest they were of that image…final, demanding and the final statement…yet as I ponder endings in my life..did they become those facts because I had been told they were..and why was I led to believe I had done something wrong..?..which is always a hard pill to swallow..when one knows they had no hand in it..in any form…

Why do I or up till now…believed endings were filled with pain..defeat and agony…and was I able to look at endings into a new space of my description….?..why was I defeated, beat up and dreading what was behind door number one..two..or three…? why did I prefer to stay stuck in redoing the ending over and over again until it made sense in my mind..until it made sense that I had caused a problem..a failure on my part..why was it such a negative place and thought…?

I have ample reason to roll things around in my head in a “negative” fashion..and yes I have spent many a thought in the negative context…procuring thoughts that made me faulty..the bad one..screwed up…anything to confirm what I had been told….or even shown….

Yet in the last few months.. I have been facing many endings and new beginnings…and to be honest..I am scared…As the months began..I had many thoughts of negativity..and thought the new path was in no way going to work out…I held steadfast to what I knew…and if any of you who know me… know this has not been a walk in the park…and would know where I come from and the impact it has had upon my life…

I knew many paths of destruction…knew the road to disaster…so seeing a different reality was a strange..alien thought which I could easily push away..because all evidence in front of me pointed to what this brain had received and saw…and so began the journey to view these endings in another thought…and it began with a giggle…

A giggle…truly…

In too many ways..too many paths…I have cleaned up the messes…made it all pretty and squeaky clean again…not by truly addressing the issue…but through heaping all of it on me..making me at fault for everything that went wrong…even breathing…so being at fault for the divorce…brother’s murder…childhood and marriage abuse…..rainy days…and others issues….was an easy place to sit in…the easiest for me by far…so it was a hard..long reach for me to place myself in another space…and really get over myself…

When I was facing divorce…I thought I had done something wrong…thought perhaps I had not cooked properly..performed my wifely duties properly…and truth be known…nope…It had nothing to do with that…it was him and his abuse..and my ability to no longer contain it in a pretty box…that allowed the destruction of my marriage..leading to divorce…which was a good ending…rather than my death..which was becoming a strong contender in possibilities….

Spending time thinking and reviewing over and over again the details of my marriage…did nothing but cause me great frustration…and not deal with the wounds…and allowed the abuse to continue in a fashion..in other forms…and I agree it is hard..probably the most difficult thing a person can do..is to break away from abuse and find the soul you are…the soul that has been cleaning up all the messes…the soul that has been heaping all blame on themselves…the soul that looked in the mirror and believed they deserved the abuse and the nasty words spoken with such power…

It is in those moments…and realize this is not you…it is them…and the way to keep you swimming in the deep end of the pool…with your head just slightly above water…is by making you the focus..never for a moment do they want you in the shallow end…where your feet can touch bottom…and you can stand up tall and see the scenery…not on their watch….nope….

So as I sit with this thought…giggle and realize that the spaces I have sat in are good in many ways…good because I can spend my energies in the fight against abuse..harm to another person…breaking the silence…and daring to come out and state in the fashion of my book…that abuse is not okay….That I can state we all know good from bad…right from wrong….no one really has to tell us…it is there innate in us…

I can allow another in to my space and allow myself to be given to…rather than pushing one away because I think I am not deserving of it…yet being respected and my voice heard…when I say it is hard for me to receive…and one must venture slowly down that path…

I can come to the finale of my book…and smile because I had the courage to speak…and that I allowed myself to believe..even for a fraction of a second..that I am something wonderful…beautiful..talented…loving…and intelligent…and that I can make change…and it always begins with me…

I can come to a place of defending my rights as this woman…as a mother…and not carry the blame for others choices…they belong to them…and I will let them have them…and in handing it back to them…I discover what I want…and that is kind of special…

It evens steps to the core of oneself…and makes you look in the mirror with eyes wide open and not squinting…realizing that being older does not mean useless…having a disease..does not make me disposable…and I will deal with it by my definition…having grey hair and age on this body…does not make me any less beautiful than when I was eighteen…allowing another in to give to you…and you simply smile…did not make me hateful…a taker…it made me valuable….

I face endings…yet each and every one of them is a beginning…and I am scared…into silliness…and I am sweating bullets…they are brand new spaces for me..brand new thought…such as this…that when one gives…they are not trying to take from you…they are giving to enrich you..make you smile…and they smile…I hope you get to meet that person who does that for you…I did…

I face the ending of part of my history…and realize I do not have to defend myself…I let my life speak for itself…and those whom I wanted to like me..approve of me…is a vain venture…and I am distracted from what I really need to be doing..my purpose…something they would prefer..yet I will not give it to them anymore..

I recognize my limitations..and that is not a negative word…it is recognition of what this person has faced, faces now..endured…and still has to endure…and thus I design my life accordingly…

There will be many days of the sun and I will lift my head to have it warm my skin…and there will be days of rain..and the tears will flow..and I will have to wrap myself in the fuzzy, pink blanket and remember warmth…

Yet I know something..I did not know yesterday…or even early this morning…I got it just now…as I sat at this keyboard…I can be given to…I can receive…I have the ability to discern between those who give with a price tag…and those who give simply from their spirit…the way I give…and I can giggle…because suddenly I realize…I am nothing I have been told I was over these forty-nine years…yet I am everything I have told myself I was over these forty-nine years…and thus I giggle…

Please giggle….

It removes that tight, dark lie…and no matter what you are facing…suddenly becomes a path one can walk on…and this time you will not miss all the beauty…and you will not miss you…and that will make you giggle…even for a moment…

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~ by HopeGlenn on March 19, 2012.

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