Just one of those days……

I started this blog today with a solitary thought…”who really cares”….I thought perhaps I should not be writing today or maybe at all this week…perhaps I should quietly put this to bed like so many other ventures I have before and believe..no one cares..and nothing I do will matter…

Trust me..this is not about self pity..it is about self awareness…the ability I have of negating myself within this society..the ability of negating my value and impact within this world…the ability we all have to negate ourselves…and then come out screaming to recieve the attention whether negative or positive to reestablish ourselves..our voice..

True I have had those who have made it their life purpose to show me I had little if any value…yet even at the age of one… I fought off my father’s words and abuse with the words I chanted in my head….”you are valuable”…and I remember now..just because someone says it…does not make it truth…

I hear the voices swimming about in my head..the words of my father, ex husband…and a few others…not many really..just enough impactful ones to slow the course of this life…and today as I feel like words I cannot describe…pain in my body..breakdown in abilities..I am the strongest I have been yet…stronger on the days I can look in the mirror and say…”you are kind of cute”…because today..I can say what I have to say..

Today after four fruitless nights of no sleep and dreams that would scare the strongest of us…I am seeing myself at my finest…to where I can say..I love me despite the gray forming at the crown of my hair..despite the fact I am a silly shade of blue today in my hands and feet…despite the fact I am struggling to walk today…despite the fact I have not showered and I am not going to…and when I go out into this world today…I will be all sweat pants..ponytail and long sleeved shirt..so no one asks about the blue color of me…

And it will be a day..where I consider me on my list…and I will smile because I finally figured some things out…and I took the pain pill and decided perhaps it was a good day to recognize I have a disease and everyone else around me was having to recognize it also…

Today..I stepped into me…and put words to paper once again…and am thankful for all my friends..all those I know that did the same thing…put it all out there..and told their thoughts…and said…

“today I just do not get it”…today my smile is just for me…

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~ by HopeGlenn on March 15, 2012.

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