It is all in what I determine…..

Damn if I did not want to come to this keyboard and write…write what and how many ways can I say it…

Today..or perhaps this moment I am so tired of being here..and dealing with this “problem”…this space that fills up hollow space and sucks the beauty out of everything…like some damn, stinking melodrama..made into a movie…

I think the emotion made most alive today and prevalent would be anger….Anger…how will I dance with you today..?…

I am sitting here..slumped of shoulders and I can feel the tightness growing in my neck..it is rage building up until I cannot feel my hands..and my shoulders collapse into the self worth being sucked out of me..like some vacuum determining that I have no options today..only the option of looking at myself as one with no value..one of no direction..

And that is perhaps why I am so angry..why I am seething and boiling from underneath..from inside..as my hands fly over this keyboard at a speed..a disease denotes me not being capable of…

Visitors came to my home last night..my home..because it is the home I believed forever was not mine and could not find its purpose for..it is the home I lived in while married to him…it pains me to even say his name today..and that is okay…just like this anger…

It is the home I hated because it sits right in the heart of suburbia…and I do not fit in suburbia…I only acquiesced to this space and location because I did not want to endure the intense brutality which would occur for me daring to question my husband…now I shake my head…

It mattered little whether I questioned him or not..what I did or did not do..beatings, shame, humiliation, rape were all part of the daily schedule…I simply decided..if it was gonna happen..I might as well say…”I do not like living fifteen feet from another”….beating powerful or in the medium range..it sucked all around…

This is the house I came to realize was given to me..it was to be my space…the place I would call home..and I would battle the evil that permeated and stained the walls…I would battle the voices that whisper down the hall to me…I would battle…yet I would also heal it..and color the walls beautiful..and discover things about myself..I never knew existed…things about art..music..painting…little slices of beauty served up for me…

The visitors left calling cards..flipped around things..garage door was opened..meaning they have an entrance into that space..tools..boxes..garage things moved around..so I know they were there…little messages to be imprinted on me..an awareness..that I am never alone..always watched..and obsessed over like a fine object that has gone a missing…

It caused me to sleep erratic and to wake defensive and ready to battle…ready to go to war..and then I had to step back and allow the war they had determined was going to go down on me..did not happen..I stepped away from myself..and allowed the demons battling around that room..that I was still standing…and today was not beat me up day…today was not lets find all my faults and write them on a t-shirt so you know them too…this was not that day…and I was coming out swinging..

Yet I have to tell you how I felt..I have to tell you that my space suddenly became dirty..and smells began to lift into me and I wanted to scrub my house from top to bottom..and find all the dirt..words..crushed hopes all lying about..in the corners and that dark place in the closet…

I wanted to look in the mirror and think myself fat…and suddenly make these blue eyes diminish in the electricity and thought..I wanted to occupy myself with the fact that I am old and battling a disease..and it suddenly made me undesirable..

I wanted to torture myself with sad, depressing music..and throw in a movie or two and tear my soul up into fine little pieces…I wanted to find a problem with everything in my house..everything about me…everything..and for about ten minutes I was well on my way to going there…and then I paused…

I sat in the big chair..where my manuscript is for my book..the last few pages of editing needing to be done…I picked it up and pressed the white pages with black ink up against my face and smiled…I read the words at the beginning of a chapter…words that started to describe one of the most horrific events with my father…an event I can smell and taste to this day…and I am forty-nine…

And now I sit at this keyboard…and think..in its crazy way…I am still here…me..Mandy…intact..whole…damn intelligent..and so beautiful…it rivals the statues I have seen in museums..so something words cannot be found..it is not about power, control, self worth, belief..it suddenly becomes about truth..

And those who were here last night…made me see something..they had never quite intended..I can guarantee..they did not intend for me to see this…they wanted me to be scared..be dancing in fear around my living room..peeking out of windows to see who might ring my doorbell today…they wanted me to be reminded that they can hurt me at anytime..any moment…and in reality..they can..

But..they need to remember something..to get to me..to touch even a hair on this head…they have to get past me…past all that encompasses me..in every single cell…and then if they can even get close enough to me..and breath in what this being is..all heart…and proud of it…than they can deal with the others who walk with me..like God..who says..”I know every hair on your head”..who captures every breath I take…to my brother..my best friend..who smiles and tells me how damn proud he is of me..who tells me..it is time to walk in the sunshine because the sky is heavy with it today…

To the person…I walk with today..hand in hand..step by step..and think..how would I have ever known..unless I was able to whisper it to myself…

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 26, 2012.

4 Responses to “It is all in what I determine…..”

  1. why are you so angry ?? fight the fight and don’t let it take control !!!! Love you……

    Like

  2. I think you may have missed the point of the post..my anger was directed in a place and at whom it should have been…
    I fight..no actually that isnt the word…it does not control..yet lying about it or saying it has no impact is the worst way possible to deal with anything…
    I deal with life rather than submit myself to a point of idiocy and deleting myself and anyone else who faces this…

    Like

  3. Very well wrote, its grt to release what has taunted us over night. The ex had no reason to come to the house nor make a mess nor bring one of your son’s to rub it into your face.
    Please next time he comes call the cops for trust passing or maybe you can get another restraining order on him to keep him far from you until your not longer with us.

    Your not mad and there is not fight to fight it has happened and now its over and one must clean up the mess left behind by this asshole

    Like

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