Interview…..

I sat on Tuesday afternoon and had an “interview”…not the type you might be thinking…it was not for a position of employment…or anything of that nature…it was an explanation as to the services I recieved in my community for the assistance of domestic violence….

I had to smile at the word “assistance”..because assistance was not what I recieved or have ever recieved in that field or area…I have always been deferred..as many others have into the corner in the back of the room…and hopefully no one will notice you…

She was a young lady..educated..who was seeking tools, information as to better provide services..or in her words..get something happening in this community…something many communities have long needed..yet continually placed on the back burner of possibility..because it did not fit into the budget…

When I left…it was seeking freedom…do you not just love that word…?…I do not…freedom was and is something that comes about in such strenuous methods…it almost makes one want to stop the process of getting or obtaining that position…all I knew is I was tired…soul tired and I wanted to have momentary whispers of feeling my own thoughts…my own breath..my own being…so I left…yet not easily…

Today I sit here…free…I have not been hit in a bit of time..despite the fact I have been divorced eleven years…yet I cannot say I have not been terrorized…and made to doubt what I thought I wanted…and stepped into battles that I thought were mine…yet they are not…

Just like sitting across from the young lady….being recorded..so my words will not be forgotten…being asked questions…I could only answer with honesty…and add another facet to the dilema of domestic violence…and what I am suppossed to be..how I am to be it…and how I am to somehow approve of the practices of our society of “not dealing” with it..in any fashion, color, or thought…

She asked questions about shelters, police departments, restraining orders, counselors and local services of my society…she did not expect the answers or the words as they tumbled out of my mouth…she did not like to agree that I made sense…and how we have gone about this is way wrong…and change needs to happen..like a revolution..but it will not happen..ever..

So after giving my energy to that interview…causing me to enter a zone of thought I have left undisturbed for awhile…and concluding my book…I have entered a space I do not like…a space where I look into the mirror and I am distorted…like looking in the fun house mirror…and suddenly you are all twisted up…I do not like it..because I know it will be longer than five minutes to get past it…it will take days…and I do not want to give this days..not even moments….

I feel huge..bloated….like I have suddenly gained a hundred pounds….I feel wrinkled and craggly….even crunchy at moments….I feel burdensome…irritating…and in the sudden need to purge…to step into my chest and pull all of this out…even when it argues with me…

Because today..and yesterday..while I deal with a disease…I did not want this coloring it…not that I do not want to be a “survivor”…”victim” of child abuse..domestic violence..stalking..terrorizing..rape..

I just wanted to be okay with laying on the couch and wishing one would rip out my spine….I wanted to be okay with the fact that I have not slept all night…so I sleep in the early hours of the morning until it becomes late morning…and when I looked in the mirror..I did not want to see distortions…I just wanted to be me…in all the beauty..and craziness that bringing up old stuff does to you..of all the stuff from being sick with a degenerative disease brings…just that…

I did not want to see an illusion…I did not want to see myself through my jaded eyes today…and jaded only to me…I did not want to have to spend another day…wishing I could be thin..or thinner..because I think I am fat…I did not want to have to think I was ugly..because I have dark circles under my eyes…I did not want to read my words of my book…and think..what a waste of my time..this matters to no one…

For this moment in time….and maybe walking in the sunshine..or asking another to tell me something about me..I want to breath in me…be kind to me…and sit with the fact..this sucks..because it does..and underneath all of this..I still appear…with arms open wide..and I know this all matters…

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 23, 2012.

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