Do not need fixing…

I sit here at the beginning of a new day…my body has had a rough couple of days..a few bumps in the road..mixed in with an oppurtunity to get away..to get out of my space..out of my head..sort of..as possible it is to be out of our heads…

I have been struggling..making decisions..hoping I would have some assistance down the merry path I decided to embark upon…and threw all caution to the wind…I packed a bag..threw in some driving music and hit the highway..hoping answers to questions that were ladled in my head and marked in a list in my journal..would somehow come to me by leaving what I knew.. into a space I was not so familiar with…

I thought as I drove to the water..moving through small towns and making all my own decisions..that answers would come to me like birdies chirping and signs from the heavens…never realizing that the driving…sleeping in an unfamiliar space..treating myself to dinner..and walking on the beach and absorbing the sun for five hours would have nothing to do with the answers that came..quite a bit later..after I returned home…and not on the day I thought I would be home..

It was after I was almost home..recognizing my struggle to drive…realizing my independance was slipping away..and looking a disease straight in the eyes..that clarity now became my new best friend..and four words came into my mind and this universe repeated them to me over and over again..through various means..like a mantra..I will never forget..

Mantra’s tend to be things like…”Just do It”..motivational statements that usually do not fit a certain genre, arena or group..they tend to have the same effect no matter who hears them..someone else can hear a set of words and suddenly all the bells and whistles go off..and the gloves are off and the game has begun..

For me..because I can only reference me…I tended to view myself from the view of what I was expected to be…who I was suppossed to be from the events that happened in this life..yet I never quite could hold to them…especially not when I looked in the mirror..or reflected on the choices I had made..and why I had made them..I was told this is how I should be..yet it was not me and it was not someone I wanted to be..

I acknowledged that events have had a profound effect on my life…they are the points which allowed me to choose from A..or..B..They did not have to be the sign I wore the rest of my life or the t-shirt which designated me as this or that…so many need that identifying tool for placement in their life…and it seems one gets stuck there and keeps repeating over and over to oneself…this is what I am..this is what I will always be…and truth be known..if we keep looking over our shoulder at the past..we tend to miss what is in front of us…what the universe..is attempting to show is…and that is a loss…

I write about the events which happened to me…I write my book..or parts of my book…of the abuse..the evil..which engaged much of my life…and it designates some behaviors…I acknowledge how profound it is and that I will deal with the “issues”..the rest of my life..yet I will deal with it my way..not the way I am told an abuse victim should be acting..how long I should be acting that way..and what this society things I should be doing to deal with those events..and that seems to bring anger right in front of me in various forms…because I am not doing it the right way…

The right way I have been told is do not be angry..why?..is not this universe..God..whatever the name you have for it..angered..?..I am told to forgive..why..?..I am not harmed…my soul is not writhing in pain because I choose not to forgive those who practiced evil against me…my soul hurts when I try to tell myself I can live with what happened..and possibly if I medicate enough…self medicate or self abuse..I will find myself acceptable..If I believe that there is something wrong with me..because another told me there was.. something wrong with me…then I just might be alright…If I say it enough times..perhaps I will believe it also…

So today after I had awoken..under the care of a friend…because my disease caused events to happen  I had not planned on..I saw something I did not think would ever come around.. as I sat in the passenger seat of a car..I found out…I do not need fixing..saving..mending..or to be controlled…because I just quite did not know what was best for me…yet I do…despite what has been said…I do not need a counselor..medication..or even a good punching bag..what I needed was myself..and the continuance to walk in the light..

I do not need quotes…medication..approval..I simply needed me…and had to continue to reach inside me and pull out piece by piece the woman who has been present all along..waiting for me to see..I am what I need..my voice..my thoughts..my hope..my love..my laugh..my saddness..my seeking of love..my words upon paper..whether anyone likes them or not..and it was the easiest thing I have ever come to at any moment in my life…

It is like the water hitting the shore and hearing it roar as it nakes its way up to you…it is hearing a song and thinking that is what I would have said…it is acknowledging that I am the only one who has control over me..I am the one who must decide to move through this or that…I must establish what I view myself as..in that I hold tight to what has happened..what it does..what it sets up in me…and I figure out my way through and get to the other side..

It is not through the descriptions of what a battered woman should be..not through the descriptions of what an abused child should become as an adult..not through the description of a disease..but through this vessel..this voice..the one who seeks to bring the light back into my eyes..to learn how to smile..the one who learned how to travel through every moment of my life..

Yeah..it is much easier to medicate..control..and assign me a position..yet that person does not exist and she never will..I do not need fixing..no matter how much I am viewed as broken..it is what I discovered..sitting in a passenger seat..hoping I would have an “aha” moment…one that would knock your world upside down..and I found my moment..my description..and all it said was..”I do not need fixing”…and how am I going to deal with that…?

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 19, 2012.

2 Responses to “Do not need fixing…”

  1. Sometimes writing is the solution to the problem because when you write your inner voice speaks to you.

    Like

  2. Writing is my way of taking those thoughts in my heart..my being and placing them out in view for me to see..for me to grasp what they hold..their meaning…I am thankful I still have that…

    Like

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