Surety….like an old friend…

Last night I sat with a friend….she being an older friend…so I call her an old friend…she has this ability with me to calm me down..allow all the rough edges to smooth out..hands to shake less and a smile to be on my face…she has this ability to accept me.. just where I am at..

She is one of the few people who can tell me to sit down…or that I am forgetting stuff..alot of stuff…she is one of the few people who can tell me that my tremors are worse and I am pale..really pale…she is one of the few people that loves me..wholeheartedly…accepts everything about me…says I do not make sense of who I am today..because of where I have been..she is the one whom lets me sit on her couch..after she has spent a long day at work…she is the one who is truthful with me and lets me know..she just lets me know…

So many of us are in these spaces…not liking what is happening in our lives…not knowing what we are all about and not really wanting to find out…I can relate…I can relate to wanting to believe lies which were told to me..lies I thought were tattooed on my forehead…lies which I thought were my identity…it is quite an interesting feeling when one realizes or takes into their being that they are none of those things they have been told…they are actually those things tucked away in that closet…under all those boxes…and the books for good measure…to weight it down…so we never have to look at the truth of us…we can keep moving along in someone else’s view of us..forever..

I do not know what turns the switch on…or when it happens…mine happened while I was pregnant with my fourth son..and was sick…and saw words come out of my mouth and they were ignored and I realized I had become this packaged, processed product…available for definition and consumption..and I could not do a second more…

And so I stopped…that son is now on the brink of nineteen…and I have not seen him in four years..and yes my hands hesitated and trembled when I went to type those words…I always believed I would see him again..yet I know I will not…and I have to lay that down like all the myths and lies I carried with me for so long…and I must look up from this keyboard and be every emotion all at once…every last one of them…

My story of this life is quite a journey and it is one I need to share…because I have discovered things that are never really seen…I have encountered evil in its finest form and lowered my head to its strength and they have chosen to walk the other way…I have momentarily…glimpsed love…through my older friend..because I see it in her eyes…I have felt love through the hands of my babies and then it was gone…I have always believed…and never turned away from God…and I know peace..because I breath it in right at this moment…

I leave for a day or two…and will spend moments at the water….I finish the last of my book…and I have hesitated from writing the final chapter…because it will be my goodbye…it will be my way of wrapping up this life..all the layers…from the little two year old girl shaking her fist at her father and telling him no..and the young girl sitting in the corner playing with the fairies that did not exist so she could bear another moment…It is the twelve, thirteen and fourteen year old girl in foster care and smiling because she had been taken out of hell…it is the teenager who lived on the streets and was the safest she had ever was that eighteen year old lady who broke when her brother was murdered…it was that nineteen year old who married a monster and disappeared for over twenty is that fortyish year old woman who struck out on her own and claimed many definitions to herself other than mother..wife..hopeless person…it is this almost fifty woman who stepped out of grieving..removed the darkness from her hair and her facial expression…and struck out to new lands…who went to the water and watched the waves roll up and out…who thought the most beautiful thing she had ever seen was she…

And she said thank you…because if one has a friend..old or young who accepts you just the way you are…all scrunchy and then smooth…cherish them…and if you have love and you can hold it and smell it and pull it up need to dance…and if you have encountered evil…and the door has been opened on the other side of the room…even a crack…go through it…you will like who you are when you get through that door…and if you are looking in that mirror…and you see the lines on your face…wrinkles and furrows from thoughts and frowns…they have been earned…and realize something…you have a purpose here…you have something to give…something to do…and you are the one that has to decide to find that…and I hope you do…


~ by HopeGlenn on February 15, 2012.

3 Responses to “Surety….like an old friend…”

  1. This touched my soul i haven’t read any thing lately that has moved me such as this.Brought tears to my eyes as it reflects my life in many ways, and knowing you have endured such things.Thank you Mandy for sharing your inner most thoughts with us.Your truly a beautiful lady in side and out and i Love you


  2. russell westbrook
    I’ll be sharing this using a couple of friends who may be thinking about this. You’d be surprised how many people are seeking something like this. Thanks for posting this for us. fat tuesday


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