I have to write from here…

I sit here..angry…and then oddly at peace…

Angry because my body is not cooperating with me..by any means…this tall frame becomes leaner and leaner no matter what pack of cookies or junk I eat…it continues to show me…I can be smaller than I am….

Angry because my body is showing all the signs of this disease..and I cannot disguise it anymore..and people are asking if they can assist me…I smile…I have been on my own and independent for forty-nine years now…never thought it would be different…but something tells me I am going to have to let visitors into my world…and again I smile.

Angry because my brain cannot remember to do things it has known how to do since I was eleven years old…sewing…hmmmm…one of my sanity moments….today I entered the sunlight room of my sewing studio..all ready to sew clothes….yet that was not going to happen…not anymore…I sat and figured and sewed and ripped out seams and finally threw it across the room and with that the tears began to flow…my anger grew and grew…no matter what I did…I could not figure it out…I could not make one plus one equal two….so I walked across the room and picked up my discarded item and turned back to the sunlight…and let myself be angry…

Anger stems from fear…I am sure you all know this…fear that you cannot have something..be something…do something..or something will be done to you….fear…cleverly disguised as anger…so one can rage and try to not look at what is scaring them…like forgetting how to sew..or cook..or use a screwdriver..or read..

As I turned back to my table that holds my “projects”…My eye catches this whirlwind of color…a quilt I have been working on…a quilt for a gift…for one I want to say thank you for…my way..the way I love…I pull it to me and bring it up close and see me all over it…and I hope when I give it to them…they see me…I look up and see the project that made me angry and I hear God whisper so sweetly to me…”the time for that is done…technical details and such are left to other hands…your hands get to create from the heart…and your words you write will be from the heart…” so I focus on the quilt..and the book of my life…and make sure it never becomes lost words…

I place the almost finished quilt down and turn and walk out the door….and reminded myself that later…maybe even tonight..I will take one more step in completing the quilt and I will not be alone…

I finished the last of bringing my hair back to blond….it is not the white blond of my youth..it holds a bit of the golden red of my mother…I can see it and I like it…no one else can really see it…but I did it for me…I smile because my eyes are back to bright blue and I am stronger and more determined than ever…

Part of my mother has stayed with me..the slight red in my hair..and remnants of the events over the last year…are with me…the things I have learned..the places this heart has traveled…and recognizing through the breakdown of this body..through a disease…what needs to be my focus..at all times…

I left my house for a few hours…needed to be around other voices and energies other than my own….I went to the book store and researched books about publishing…this disease…and again I sat in the floor and wept…I left knowing that I knew how to get my book published…yet not quite sure how to face this disease and how it is quickly advancing upon me…

I went to the grocery store…determined to find every cookie an candy I could put in this body…I walked and looked at people…and avoided the people bustling about gathering the chocolate covered strawberries and pink and red bouquets. Not because I do not like this holiday…or even what it represents…I did not want to be reminded that I was facing today..alone..I wanted to believe like every kid out there..I am indestructible…and I can be put back together like Lego’s….

I bought two packs of cookies…and had to throw in some fruit….and then went to the coffee shop and got myself the most calorie filled coffee I could find…I sat down…opened those cookies..and decided this was about the best moment I had in a long time…and I ate some more cookies…

I am still angry…and it simmers in me…every time it hurts me to take a good breath….every time my hands shake as I try and type..or simply brush the hair off my face…every time the pain becomes so bad..like now and I have to wrap up in that blanket and figure out how to breath…

I have to realize that every day…something is shown to me…something is there in the smallest of things…like the sunset I saw driving home…the lines of blue, red and grey in stripes…reminding me I can still make quilts…or the fact I am driving…and still independent…or the electric shocks in my spine..that remind me I am still fighting and I got something to say….or the stillness in my house…that says I am safe and not within harms reach…

And as I type..these words…I look at a picture of my mother…beautiful woman that she was…and I hope I can be a fraction of the heart that she was…and I carry on….

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 14, 2012.

5 Responses to “I have to write from here…”

  1. Like

  2. Oh, do I know about what you are writing about. Like you was writing my story. My heart and prayers goes out to you. I have been really sick lately and my body have not been doing well. and been very angry and depressed. Dishes falling out of my hands, feet tingling and in pain, pain in every joints…..,fainting, brainfog , trying to do things but can’t…..the house is a mess…… I sure know how frustrated it can be. People don’t understand. I need to be with people, but to exhausted…… You sure are a blessing to me

    Like

    • Hi Friend,
      It is a frustrating place to be in as our body starts to break down…thank you for your prayers and your thoughts of me. They come back to you..as I carry prayers for you..stay in the anger until you need to and feel it…life is too short to pretend these things are not having a profound effect upon us…you are a blessing to me…
      my heart, my friend…

      Like

  3. You can definitely see your skills in the paintings you write. The sector hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe. Always follow your heart.

    Like

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