It is Sunday night…early…it has been an unusually good day….a day of clarity of heart and voice….I have been able to say things I have not had the ability to voice in a bit of time…

Today the disease is with me…ye it is not my master…it does not command my attention and captivate me in every aspect…it gently reminds me to eat…to make that tea and wrap that blanket about myself…it allows me for this time to see a part of me..one I have missed for a bit…one that had to be put on the back burner so the business like..efficient woman could handle various demands…

Last night I slept…and in that sleep..talked with a soul that commanded my attention…an energy that knew this was the only time all my defenses would be down and I could hear the words my heart has not wanted to hear….and perhaps it is the reason I am happy..at peace…because I finally stepped into knowing..release…that place no one wants to talk about…

The tremors are still here…and I am still dropping things and they are breaking..and I am thinking perhaps plastic would be best…but then I do not want to give up my pretty plates and cups…the few things that make me smile…

The pain is still here.. and it rivets down my spine..and turns my hands blue…It makes me seek out the pain medication and then I remember…it wont go away..at least not now…

The cold in my bones is here..still…and I sit in many layers..wrapping many layers around me tight..and I wish for arms to surround me..hold me and rock me into sleep…just like you do…

My kidneys still hurt and so does my stomach and it argues with the food I ate..the food I wanted…yet also did not.. I listen to it argue with me..my body and I smile…because I can still eat….

Yet with all this and its many layers and what it all means…still cannot diminish the happiness that has erupted in me today…this bubbling of feeling that has brought me one step closer to my goal…that has brought me to the conclusion of my book..my story…my way out of madness…

I have spoken truth today and one did not want to hear it..I did it with kindness..and that is the only way to speak it…

I have faced the fact that this disease is not the definition of me…and that I am still a woman with a heart and desires and that is probably the coolest thing I have heard all week…and it has been a rough week…

I have discovered through this day…that diseases exist and in me…people die…when they are supposed to and nothing can change that…I have seen love displayed and laughter and humor even though the days ahead will be troublesome…I have looked in the mirror and seen the beauty that still exists..and am glad I have returned to blond and left the period of mourning…I have gained more understanding of the path others are on and am happy they allow me the privilege of being on that journey with them…

I guess I have discovered life…not glee and bubble gum wishes…just assurance and contentment…and I am glad I can still type these words upon this keyboard and tell you something simple..

You are important….and it all is going to be okay….

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 13, 2012.

3 Responses to “”

  1. This is absolutely beautiful. JUST LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  2. beautiful Mandy , glad you are fighting the battle and winning !!!!! Love you xxx

    Like

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