Here I go again….

Tonight I sit again at my keyboard…trying to fine tune some thoughts…is that possible..?

I wanted to write about something light, fluffy..covered in glitter and fairies…yet I keep being pulled back to here..to this spot…and believe someone will listen…

This is not about my voice being heard…because as I have learned over the last few days..I am heard in a fashion or in maybe a deeply tuned phrase… and I have been seeking to be good enough.

No one ever asked me how I felt about what happened in this life…no one really wants to hear it..and that no longer bothers me…perhaps it should considering the majority of time we spend in ventures in our lives are means to making someone else happy..proving we are good enough..qualified enough..doing the right thing enough…yet we spend so little time in thinking what makes us happy…what makes me feel good enough..what makes me feel I am qualified enough to make the decisions for my life…?

I have had others make decisions into my life…tell me how I should be “doing” my life…how I should proceed forward with my book…how I should proceed forward with my medical care and the basic moments that make this life…I have to realize that no matter what I say..or how I say it..opinions will still rain down upon me…today you may like me…tomorrow I will have your anger and what the next day brings is as good as any guess there is….and I have come to realize I will not be heard and after a period of time myself and others I know will become no longer worthy of your time…

There will be the prettier person..kinder person…not quite so sick person…more agreeable person…and that is a playing field I have no more time for…

It brings me to thoughts of quotes…one such as we need to be in church..to be shown how to be good and to know right from wrong…yet if I do not already have that in me…the knowledge..the heart..no building..no Sunday school lesson…no preacher will bring it about..I have to be able to stand outside of that building..that structure and know which way to turn…

If I need a quote to remind me to do the right thing..to have the courage…to not continue with the joking and teasing…and the unraveling of someones heart…then I am far more lost than I thought….

If I must be taught what honesty and truth is and how to speak it…to not lead another in a fruitless pathway…may everything I perpetuate come back to me one hundred fold…and I hope I have the strength to bear that load..

If I want change..I must make change…if I want direction..I must take a step into a direction…if I want hope…I must show there is hope to be given..if I want truth…I must share truth..even the words I do not want to hear…if I want love..I must love…and be willing to have my heart broken…not safe and protected in my cocoon…

If I need to be reminded of what it is to be a person..a life..a human being…no quote..no words..nothing will give them to me…I must choose them as each of the actions and person I choose to be moment by moment..day after day….

Because I am tired of the popularity contest..I am weary from trying to validate events which have happened and are happening..I am overloaded with the possibilities and the “what if’s”…my life did not become inconsequential because it has been a painful journey and I have just learned how to smile again…and I did not become the top priority..I have just become priority for me…and that is not something I learned sitting in a building…reading a quote..or being taught in a classroom…it is something that has been inside of me…the moment I became a reality in my mother’s tummy…the moment I discovered I had life and it was something so powerful to live…

I learned this tonight also…

I is smart…you is smart..

I am kind…you is kind..

I am important…you is important..

One of the best movies I have ever seen…the struggle between right and wrong…and the courage to say…I already knew the difference….

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 12, 2012.

One Response to “Here I go again….”

  1. Many people and their words have touched my heart and they have left an indelible mark. Then there are a few who have touched my soul. One such writer who has the ability to write a story with such simplicity but with great depth is you Mandy. Your words have spoken to the very deepest part of my being. Thank you with all of my heart. Love, Jeannine

    Like

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