At this moment I can….

I so desire to lay my body down in the bed and sleep and somehow believe I will heal….yet I cannot….my mind will not rest…my heart will not rest….and my body is far from cooperating….

I think I struggle with most things that others do…yet tonight I know I am all alone and will continue to be as this night moves forth…

I spent most of my day occupying my mind with tasks that allowed me to not deal with what I saw slowly reappearing within this body…I have had two days of complete control over this body and for a moment I felt it would continue…I wrote an earlier blog, did some laundry, did the dishes and mulled over the last few days events..I felt I had accomplished a lot during this week and had cleverly disguised and ignored the calls my body were making to my mind and heart…

I allowed myself to fantasize for a moment that others were not tired of me and would stay with me despite the fact they saw me slipping into this disease again..a disease I have no control over..yet occasionally I believe I have the power of God..yet I keep slipping back into invisible and I am reminded that I am and not quite enough…

After I had done all my “tasks” for the day I ventured to my easel…in my mind I had earned the time to spend dawdling with the paints and colors that had been calling my name all week. I ventured to the easel with the beginnings of a painting I had started over a week ago. The slight sun spilled across the room and I felt it was okay for me to be in this chair presenting myself to this art. My hands move to grasp the brush and pick the right shade of sea blue from the bottles upon the table. As I reach..my hands tremble and reach with the other to hold my own hand and they both shake…tremors..essential tremors…I sit on my hands to quiet there pattering of shaking and I feel the quaking within my frame…a quaking they say no one can see…until later in this disease..but one I feel right now….

I abandon the painting and stand and attempt to move away from the place that captures me and I stumble..It was no sudden movement…nothing that was meant to throw me off balance…yet I cannot maintain my footing and I fall amongst the paints I long to place upon the canvas..Anger in waves moves through me and I roar and for some reason it cannot be stilled today..It keeps moving in me and I must accept it and I must sit with it and know that I am in this alone…I must know that I have stepped into another place with this and as the seconds tick by I become less and less attractive to the souls who said they loved me…

Eventually I am back up and have no idea how long it took to get to that place…the sun has moved away and I stand in shadows…I leave that space and think perhaps fabrics and sewing will ease me and slowly advance to my new enemy…the stairs….try it with unstable steps and tremors with hands that cannot grip a rail…try to climb the steps…the anger I thought had passed is back..sitting with me and I cannot even cry…

I place myself down on the step and wish that I had not removed the carpeting and painted the wood…even though it is pretty..I have created another misstep for myself… I have wisely learned to carry my phone with me in case I need assistance…as my hand feels it in my pocket I receive a call, a text and I simply let them both sit in my pocket and will give them my attention later..later….

Moments in time slip by..yet it must be hours..because I glance upon the clock and see it is eleven at night and I am just steps away from where I was hours ago..no the tremors have not gotten better and I am not fine..nor will I be…and I find myself smiling because as this disease rears itself in my life..I find those who really wish to journey with me and those who do not…those who will listen as I have listened to them and those who have decided to find fault with me..excuse and now want to rub salt in the wound by ignoring me or refusing to acknowledge me…either one stinks..either one is wrong..either one wounds.

I have ceased to try and show my value to another… I have ceased in trying to show the negligence…I have simply ceased…because I know..no words of mine will change anything and I am not being listened to anyway….I am used to it….I have been told to shut up before…so being ignored is not the end of my world…I will survive and I will still love..and I will still speak…

The sad part for me is this…the part that breaks this soul is this…yes I am wounded and feel your negligence and ways you show me I am expendable and replaceable….I see where you look and venture into and what phony illusions you place your trust in…what saddens me is this..the souls lying at your feet…the beauty you threw aside…the voices stomped out because they did not say the right thing..whatever that is…the heart that cannot stop bleeding because it does not know to turn you off and silence you….the ones that do not know how to pick themselves up and walk away…the one you told in the way that you do..that we were replaceable with an illusion…and the anger begins again…..

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 11, 2012.

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