I usually find my title and then my words flow from there…but today I start with a feeling. A bit of discontent and uncertainty I am feeling. It is like that thing you need to attend to and you cannot quite remember what it is. It keeps picking at you until you can no longer brush it aside…you have to give it your attention.

It seems to influence and color everything thing you do or do not do about the course of a day. And no matter how hard you try it affects every moment with its insistence that you pay heed to what it needs to tell you. I have avoided my seat at the computer today and have just recently given myself a moment to face this. It was an early morning for dealing with things I did not particularly wish to do, nor hear the results. Regardless of that matter I pushed ahead through it and instead of giving the matter part of me…I gave all of me to the issue.

In my email I received a quote…a short poem today. It affirmed my belief that there are no coincidences. It affirmed my belief that everything I encounter…every person..place and thought was meant for me. And it was for me to see, hear and touch upon what I was given this day….

here is the quote…or poem in my description…

holding love

he wasn’t the past.
and she knew that.
altho, sometimes
she got muddled.
but he never let her down.
slowly, she learned to trust.
gradually, she set the past down.
and gently,
with great care,
she held the present.
she held him.
and she held love.

~terri st. cloud

This easily applies to one arena of my life….my romantic/relationship part….I come from an abusive marriage and have spent near thirty one years dealing with that or some facet of it. So when I am introduced or romantic love is offered to me I have usually referenced it all to my marriage.

There is some wisdom within that. Because women, men most anyone need to move into relationships with caution. There needs to be attention given to behaviors, attitudes, words. Yet it cannot be all we look at. People are human…we all sit in the seat of rejection and feeling that we are not adequate..just you to be enough for another. We all know rejection and yes some of us know profound abuse. And for those who have known profound abuse…there is a tendency to perhaps “over analyze ” statements and actions. Or not give them enough attention because we do not want to appear judgmental,or not forgiving. There is a constant dance between the two. I think it is a place many dance in.

We all must be careful and allow one to prove themselves. And we must be gentle with them as we should be with ourselves. Everyone can be hurt and taken down a dark alley. It is not special to those who have been abused. The place I sat in was believing all men where like my ex-husband. Believing all men hit, lie, steal and refuse accountability. It was like that for a number of years and that has slowly dissipated into the atmosphere. Now I simply am hesitant, shy…yet will allow myself to love…despite the outcome. I may be lied to…I may be hurt…and that is what I sit with in by my choice to let me heart be wide open again. Because when I hold back me, this heart…I am only wounding me. I am only causing myself to believe that I am not capable of love. I am telling myself as my head is down and my shoulders are slumped…that I am worthless.

So as I read this today…my jaw hit the ground and I smiled and told God thank you….I have been comparing many things to the past. I have been referencing my identity according to the events of my childhood and marriage. I have hindered my walk into the identity of artist because I think I have no talent and I believe my father and my sons and my ex-husband when they said that painting was stupid or that essay I wrote was worthless..or the quilt I made was nothing…anyone could do it…

I have thought I belonged in this place…after all it was what I received in the divorce..where I raised my sons and where I have been since I came to North Carolina. Except…..I am in a place that has lots of ghosts…which I thought I could erase through prayer and making this house reflect the heart of Mandy…and it does. There is no doubt the is Mandy here from the colors of my home and the pictures by my hand…I hang upon the wall…yet there is that wishful wandering as my eyes are moved to someplace outside these four walls…a place where I am not known as the ex-wife..nor the mother..nor under the spotlight..I wish to be where I am seen as Mandy. I want the freedom to open a window and not worry about who may come in it. I wish to walk out the front door and not fear who may be standing there. I wish to just battle normal issues day by day like bills and when am I going to get the dishes done…not the ex and who he drags into his mess. I did not think I deserved privacy and some have told me through various means that I did not. They have told me that they are allowed to spy on me and make their judgments and I simply had to swallow it…

I stayed with a job that was taking the life out of me….simply because I believed I was worth little..yet there must have been the belief in me that I was something special…like you..there must have been the knowing that they were liars and they knew what I was..yet I had not grasped it….yet God has shown me through some people and through some life events. I never for a moment thought I could be doing what I love…the thing that puts the smile on my face…

I believed I did not deserve medical care…or concern…and through the oddest place I received it…through the federal government…Within my journey of obtaining medical care I have encountered some of the most kindest individuals ever…people I did not know existed in that field. Without them I would not have had the care I received today and quite possibly may have believed that I was not worthy..

So I sit here scared….yet it is the mightiest scared I have ever felt. seeing big changes about me.. It is the most joyous place I have been in recently…along with discovering love…acceptance amongst the friends I wish to have acceptance from…and finding my talent of design, sewing, writing and painting…I do not know where I am headed…I do not know much of anything….I simply know this….I am offered life and I have answered yes…with a shaky voice and a queasy stomach..and if you could see me now you would see the biggest smile on my face….and I can say with totally honesty and assurance…it will be fantastic…it will be life and in this woman’s view…as I shed this old skin and reveal me..and I cannot wait…

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 2, 2012.

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