Your assumptions…bury me…

Assumptions has become the new four letter word…it is like morals and ethics….no one can seem to define them…no one seems to know what they are…except when they are telling you what they should be…When they are telling you what your thoughts and actions should be according to their dictates upon your life. I have allowed myself to be swallowed up by anothers opinion and have even agreed that what they wanted was where I should be headed. I realized after the conversation was over and I felt like everything I have done is worthless..that they have achieved their goal. That misery reigns supreme in their life and it wants company. I cannot be that company…

Choosing to not be silent about my life and sharing myself with a world I am very unfamiliar with has proven to be a guide for me in seeking what I truly believe…into what I see as morals an ethics and how I then choose to live…

Coming from abuse as a child and then in a marriage I have always sought to understand…I have sought to hope that others would like me and approve of me. It is in the nature or the way people come about finding themselves. I can say with totally honesty that being out of the child abuse for thirty plus years and out of my marriage for eleven years has not dampened the desire to want approval…if we are honest we will all admit that we want approval.

I have realized that it is not a weakeness of mine to want approval..to want one to like me. I am not seeking your vote or attempting to win some contest. I simply want approval that the steps I am taking and will be taking are the course for this life. It is like denying we need someone to care for us or that we need anyone. Truth is we all need somene to care for us and to need us. If we refuse to acknowledge a basic part of our humanity we become cold and distant and think we know what is best for everyone. And it is a fight to come back..to connect with our hearts. It is hard to even look in the mirror and make friends with the person viewed.

I have found that assumptions made only bury one and it continues to solidify and justify the judgement we are so easily moved to do. It places people in a box. A box we do not belong in but it fits what you think we are. And every word I speak or action I take only causes the smug smile to be upon your face and for you to continue to place me and whoever else does not meet your criteria in a box. The crazy thing is..you have no idea who I am and you do not even care and that is the sadness that overwhelms me.

I speak about abuse…I speak about what happens to one in abuse. I can only speak about me as a the little girl, the woman and the woman I have become. I can speak about what I have seen and what I know to be true and how our society treats us and what is expected.

Some victims get out..some are still in and some do not get out. They die in the sickness and hate of another believing their life had no value. Those who get out spend the rest of their lives seeking a way to reclaim themselves and finding peace with their decisions. Some days it is a journey of forgiveness…not of the abuser but of oneself. Not for staying, not for wanting to make the monster like you, not for anything other than believing you had no value.

I have nothing to prove. Nor will I enter again a debate with another that I do have something to prove. Some of the victims were most fortunate to have evidence to support the scars on our body and the other issues we wear like clothing. Some have a little evidence and some have none. Yet I am always moved by those who simply wish to speak and share themselves when they have been ripped apart. Those that seek to seek happiness for themselves and for others.

I was told to look in the mirror and say I was number one. Something I cannot do. I am not number one. I am one of many. It is the belief that what I want or what I am doing is more important than anything else…that has led us down the merry lane of self absorption. It is the making of myself of such importance and it becomes the twisted energy we define as self care which is really my ego parading about that my view is of much more impotance than your’s.

I cannot place myself above all others and then I cannot lose myself in any of that either. I cannot define myself without showing I carry many parts of you and others within this person. I cannot do what the abuser wants me to do, which is to hate and be careless with others. I choose to love and doubt and be fragile in my self esteem and timid in my steps….Maybe I will never grasp who I am. Maybe I will never know my intelligence or my talent and quite possibly walk away from a fight. Yet I choose something I have been told is a fault…I choose love. I choose to let you make your assumptions about me and after you ladle them on me…I make my way through them and come out on the other side. I choose to walk away from the fight with you because it tears me up to hear the pain in your voice or see the ache in your eyes.

Yes your assumptions may bury me…and they may be the reason I go silent. Yet I grasp something you have have not even touched upon…I grasp love and how fragile we are as people. And I choose hope in every form and laughter and the endless desire to stop pain.

And today I crumple that piece of paper you gave me with the things I should do listed on them like my marching orders. I pull out that purple pen and a clean sheet of paper and I doodle in the corners and I start my own thoughts my own list..and at the top you will see this…

smile…

love…

take a step today defined by you…

smile again…..

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 1, 2012.

One Response to “Your assumptions…bury me…”

  1. Very true statements, that puts ones mind to thinking, excellent.

    Like

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