Fighting the Unseen…

Kind of foreboding title…almost sounds like a horror movie title….

It is not the title to a horror movie, psychological thriller or a national cause….it is a moment, a pause to reflect on this life and in paticular today…..I spent most of today in a bed…attempting to rest. An event which has become increasingly harder and harder to do. So most of the time I stare out the window which sits beside the bed and watch the night move into day. I wrestle with the blankets..which at times the sheer weight of them comforts me. I imagine it must be like comforting arms containing a hug. I imagine because I have not known a comforting hug…ever…And then at times they trap me beneath their weight and I am immobilized waiting for my body to cooperate and allow me to move..

I spent another part of today sitting in a clinic. A clinic is all I am allowed at the moment. I am one without health insurance or the funds to pay a doctor. I have progressed from the ER to the reduced income clinic. I am not sure if it is an upgrade or not… may be because I was seen faster, more tests were done and the doctor actually talked to me regarding what was happening in this body…

I sat and waited as blood was taken, questions asked, responses waited for, and more tests done. I have been battling a disease for a long time now. A disease that I have a name for…the disease I thought was causing the issues in my body..fighting the unseen. And today I discovered I had been lied to..things covered up..simply because I had no health insurance..and time with me was not a good financial investment…and I discovered anger again today…

You cannot see a disease. You cannot see what it is doing in the body…yet it shows itself upon the person.. no matter how hard one attempts to hide it…especially if it is degenerative…it shows itself in my walk, in my speech, in the words I try to form with my lips. It shows itself clearer and clearer every day at least to me. You say you cannot see it and how I look so good. I pause and look in the mirror and think…there must have been someone standing behind me..because I do not look well, or good…I look like one fighting the unseen. Yet I am easily disregarded because I do not fit the profile of what you think sick should look like.

I stand tall and I smile because I like me….I like who I have become over these years….I no longer have issues with me. I realized I was lied to and will continue to be lied to. The issues are now with the world I see. To the world that supports celebrities and squeals in delight and glamorizes violence. To a society which ignores its people and throws quotes at a soul like daggers.

I speak clearly and loudly about injustice and will not let a moment to pass where I will be silent anymore. I try little to hope for others to like me. I invest that energy into people I find as admirable and hope they like me. I realize that beauty does not go away in body or soul because one has a disease or actually increases…

I can stand taller with my shoulders back so you wont see me slump my shoulders. I can hold my hands in my lap or place them in my pockets so you do not see the tremors. I can lower my eyes from yours…so you do not see the tears from the pain..and I can laugh so I throw you off balance and you forget about what you think you saw. Because I do not want to hear anymore that I look so good for being sick..that I dont look sick…that positive quotes will make me better.

These are the things I do want and yes…assistance with fighting the unseen…..


~ by HopeGlenn on January 31, 2012.

2 Responses to “Fighting the Unseen…”

  1. Very moving and honest. I like honesty.


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