Food and Fear

I have been mulling over these two words for about three days now. They have been eating at me for a bit. Like a stitch in the side from my days of running and I had taken those sprints a bit too quickly. Or that thing hanging out in your head, in your heart that keeps reminding you, there is something to deal with….something.

Perhaps if I keep myself busy enough I will not have to deal with it. Perhaps if I occupy my self with songs and activities which turn my brain into another direction. Perhaps I can possibly ease what my heart has been dying to say. And not just for the last couple of days, but for a long time.

Prepare yourself this is not about a person who has been abused and is scared to eat because of body image issues. It is about a person who has been abused with food being the greatest weapon against her as a child, as a pregnant wife, and as an older woman facing diseases. It is about knowing hunger in that deep space within our body and knowing there was no food coming. And sitting under the dining room table alongside your dog eating dog food.  It is about carrying a life within your body and having your husband forbid you the food that allowed your body to be nourished, let alone your baby growing inside of you.  It is about being divorced and having four sons to feed and working at a gas station pleading with God for groceries to appear from the skies as their father left the state and became bloated on his indulgence of food and pleasure. It is about the woman who ran to stave off the hunger and watched her children take food from her hands because she was not deserving of it. She was not acting right. It is this woman facing a few diseases who cannot work anymore. Who goes and gets a food card and waits at her mailbox for the golden ticket to arrive saying she is worthy of food. It is this forty-nine year old woman who waits for the phone to ring from her friends who said they love her. Yet suddenly have disappeared when she cannot feed them and is need herself.

FEAR…..definition to that word has been given to anger rearing its head and thus one will have fear. I agree with that definition. Anger at a situation which is highly unfair and lacking in justice can easily bring about anger which translates into fear. Anger because how can this injustice happen and fear of knowing it will continue.

FEAR…False Evidence Appearing Real…..I used to cling to that one for awhile. It made sense in some odd sort of way. I eased myself with believing that I was scared of something that did not really exist or perhaps was not going to happen again. Or evidence that showed me it was actually happening again and I had been told to dismiss it. Yet I have evidence which is real and I have fear about it. And not because I am lost in some panic moment or want to believe a lie. But because the fear is a real and grounded one. One which I hav visited many times in this life and had hoped I would not come back to it. Not even for a moment. But here I am.

Here I sit..two weeks after having to leave my job, my sole source of income with no food. And no resources to bring it about. I had to leave my job because the health and pain issues became overwhelming. Lifting my head off the pillow became harder and harder every day. I thought once I left the job, the pain and issues would back up considerably. Yet they have not. They have only increased in intensity. They have increased because my wonder skill of ability to deatch has failed me.

I sit here with a few scattered Banquet frozen dinners in my freezer and a jar of peanut butter and some vagrant chocolate chips. This is my food until my manager decides that I deserve my paycheck so I might go crazy and buy a loaf of bread. Or until the state decides it can send me a food card because I finally meet their lowly requirements of being starved slowly.

So today I sit with fear; a real fear. Not false evidence appearing real. Real evidence…real fear…real hunger and being slowly starved to death….but hey I am used to it…it has been the story of this life at least and my anger tells me the road of many. And I will be angry for a long time. I will be angry at how careless we are with each other. How easily we use each other and have no intention of ever really loving another. We simply take from them what we need and refuse to give to them when they are in need. It is the great trick of…if I do not look at it..or I ignore it….it will go away….

Funny…Im not going away…but surely as my father thought it was fine that his daughter ate dog food, or that my exhusband thought crackers were an appropriate food item, or my sons thought letting their mother go hungry was appropriate punishment for her lack of cooperation or my “friends” think it is appropriate that I slowly ache and panic about what I will eat today and how can I make three frozen dinners last seven days, or tell me to think lofty thoughts and pray harder and get myself right and food will appear.

Funny…I think I have fear…and for this one moment you might hear and then brush it aside….it is real….

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~ by HopeGlenn on January 23, 2012.

4 Responses to “Food and Fear”

  1. keep your stories coming they will help someone 🙂 x

    Like

  2. I had no idea what u are going thru!

    Like

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