Reality sets in…….

Morning, or for some it is early afternoon…
Yesterday in my early evening I was assailed with pain. I have SLE Lupus in the advanced stages…How does one get to the advanced stages…? It happens when one is unaware that the disease is manifesting itself within your body and then one day you collapse…. you are told as sitting in the doctors office that you are sick and have been for a long time.

Anyone who has a chronic illness/disease which they know is slowly taking their life and know that they are becoming a prisoner within their own body, can understand the pain and panic and tears that accompany one everyday. I had this moment and I had to disconnect from everyone. I have no choice..I have to ride the cycle out as it moves through this body and do the dance of thoughts filling my brain.

I cannot act logically at this point. I cannot offer reasurring words for anyone. I have to sit and feel everything that is happening inside of me. The hardest part of having this disease is knowing I did nothing to make it happen. I did nothing to cause it. I did not recieve it because I drank too much and got liver damage. I did not get it because I smoked too much and now I have lung cancer. I did not get it because I had an addiction of any sort. And I am angry..furious that I must live with a disease, which will end my life and I had no hand in bringing it about.

I got my Lupus…I am giggling with that…I got it from abuse. Trauma, stress, being beaten, starved, tormented, raped…etc. Until my body could no longer defend itself…I did not get health care when all these assaults were happening and I recieve none to this day. I am angry because I have no choice in this disease and I have no recourse.

Lupus along with many other diseases needs treatment. Treatment to slow things down, ease the path of destruction. It cannot be calmed by meditation or positive thinking. It needs modern technology to make the journey a bit less painful and extend time. When you hear or see those individuals who have “beaten” the disease it is because they have healthcare, treatment and money….

So this is what angers me today as electrical shocks run through my spine. Because that is where my Lupus wants to play today..in my central nervous system. I did nothing to deserve this. I did nothing to get this and I can do nothing about it.

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~ by HopeGlenn on January 19, 2012.

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