The Next Day…..

Afternoon my friends…..It was a long day yesterday…pain in the body from fighting a chronic illness and a disease and pain in the heart from realizing your health of your body is indeed compromised…..

I miss the days of believing and being able to be indestructible and continuing for hours and hours. I remember raising my four sons and running, errands, educating myself, cleaning house and doing it alone. I remember day after day of these events and never letting it slip into my mind that I was pushing back the actuality that I was seriously ill and had severe consequences from 40 plus years of abuse.

This is what I was suppossed to be doing…raising them boys and keeping myself in the background somewhere. And when their crazy father came back into the picture to beat us some more…I was to be the defender of them and remember I was useless….

But one day I looked in the mirror, and that was about 8 years ago. I saw this woman with angry eyes and pain furrowed deep within her and thought…”who the hell is that”? That became the moment I decided to step out of the background and into the front of the stage and find me….

This is not an easy committment. And many a time I wished to fade away…because when one decides to find themselves and they have incredible value and a huge contribution to this world…you lose things and you find exactly who loves you. I remember clinging like mad to those things I thought were to be. Those things I thought were the definition of me. The beings that I thought were all I was about…

Suddenly you are in a room all alone…the walls are white and it is time to begin…screaming, hanging on for dear life…I began. I thought that start was the worst thing ever. I was soon to discover that turning feeling back on would be a voyage wrapped in reality.

My coping during my childhood and my marriage was detachment. I would hover or sit in the corner while the abuse happened and then when it was done I would come back. It was great for 40 plus years..yet when one reattches…claims themselves it is not just the present events. It is all those you locked away all the years….

They compare it to like an alcoholic or an addict….That when they decide to get clean….they have to deal with all the memories, actions and numnbing they have all done….it is like believing this…

If I ignore that person, or ignore the words, or ignore that I want to drop and just work, work, work, and numb, numb, numb…it will just go away….

I know you know what I am talking about…..but it does not. It controls every single thing about us…and we have to…if we have the courage and the desire to really smile again…we must feel each and every thing….even the shame…..which is not yours to carry…..

I smile today…..as I sit here typing away…..I want you to smile today….I want you to see the beautiful thing about you today…It is there….really…..I want you to heal and come along this journey….it is amazing….and you can breath…..

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~ by HopeGlenn on January 17, 2012.

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