Take nothing personally…..

•August 3, 2015 • Leave a Comment

The moment you write that…

I can feel a whoosh go through my chest…like a fire hose…pushing something into me…that I do not want to acknowledge….

The point being…

Take nothing personally….

It is one of the four agreements….from the book The Four Agreements….

And that one…always upset me…

I was going to say pissed…but that is not something that pisses me off…

This unfurls a lifetime of stagnant…loathing…

Of whom or what..I am not sure…but I am sure I am included in that list….

Take nothing personally…

I have been venturing down this highway…

Especially in the practice I have now begun….

And wish I had begun this awhile ago…

But I believe something now to be definitely true….

Everything comes…when it is the time to come…not a second before or late….

As they say…when the student is ready..the teacher will appear…

And the teacher is not always..a person…

It may be the bottle your holding…and the surgeons knife..glimmering in the pinpoint light..as they temporarily remove you from this space…

It may be your lover…who you love and hate….

And I do not think we can love or hate a person…in that sense…

I think we love or hate what they do or do not do…and we thrust it upon that person…

Because if I am willing…standing there with the mirror…watching…not catching the onslaught of vomit shooting out of someone…

I am loving them…

Not taking it personally…is how none gets on me…

Everything that comes my way…is another lesson…moment…to not take it personally….

And I can hear the words…Oh this is so hard to do…come rolling off your tongue…

And really it is not…

That is your ego….and that is a nasty demon to battle…

Because we love…love to make this all about us…

And there are many things about us…

Like the reason you are here…on this space..traveling this road…

Your divine path…

Find it…

It is the sweetest….moment you will ever find…

But as life congregates around us…piles of not our stuff…

Stop taking it personally….

Stop doing another’s work….and your neighbors work…and your bosses work…and your children’s work…

Because if one keeps doing anothers work…and keeps taking it personally….

You will build up a chain of events….

And wow…I do not want to be in this hemisphere when that bolt of lighting comes down….

You just stockpiling…and never allowing another to do their work…

It is like this…

Karma…

We always tend to think…good… bad…evil..love…always in those far out terms…

But Karma..is neither good or bad….it has no light and dark…

It is all about cause and effect…

If I turn the burner on…I create heat…which can then cook something…

If I continually…take anothers work on…

I am stockpiling for them…and me…more karmic results then this lifetime can handle….

If I do not set boundaries…draw a line in the sand…not take anything personally…

People just might live….

And we might stop abusing ourselves….

Punching others…

Living in some photograph…

Having inappropriate relationships….

Stop generational annihilation….

Spending a lifetime…blaming…and finding your new victim to blame…

Really destroys you…it eats away at every system in your body…

And at a certain point…honey..you can never go back…you got to be alive….yep breathing…in all that karmic overload…your hands created…

look about you…maybe in situations you think turned out wrong and pause….

Maybe you did your work..and are allowing another to do their work….

Even if it is your child you barely see….

Or the lover who presently wishes you would crawl under a rock…

Or the friend…who you wont let rant about the boyfriend/girlfriend behavior they just do not get….

Or the boss…who does not understand you will not be yelled at..demeaned…and you will excuse yourself…

You might find…there is no need for self preservation…yet self care….

You may..just see the child..standing behind the raging bully…

Who just wants to know….

Is it okay to be me….?

Can you answer that for them…or are you gonna keep egging it on….?

Love aint personal or exclusive….

It is a journey of discovery….

And my ego….the great bullshit artist….

Has nothing to do with it….

Happy Trails…

Loving another…..

•July 19, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Is loving someone…the dance of safety….

or is it pure vulnerability…

Saying the things that need to be said…

Doing the things that need to be done….

And then the ultimate question I ask self….

Do we really love…?

Come on….

How loving is it of us…to allow another to beat us up…verbally…emotionally…spiritually…economically…physically….

and stand silent….

yet destroy ourselves….

If I cannot fight for this being….this Mandy…this beautiful creation…

Than who will I fight for…?

And why can we not believe that every person we encounter…everyone…

Is here for us to do something with….

Say the one thing they need to hear….

Go toe to toe with them…

Hold them back from destruction…

And yes…speak those words that just might save them…

Yes we as divine beings have that capability….

The ability to put your panties in a wad….

And rescue a soul….from the edge…

Because you my friend…

Have just saved yourself…

Loving another….

Hmmmm….

I think my panties are in a wad….

Denial…the creation of disability…

•July 11, 2015 • Leave a Comment

The denial of life…issues…circumstances….

Creates a fine illusion…named disability….

One cannot do much of anything…except a great job of spinning in circles…

When one pretends well…anything….Here is an example…

How many of you…have been lied about….?

I think everyone raises their hand on that one….

How many have said…it did not hurt or bother me…

Mainly because they have been told something like….

I was joking….

Geesh you are so sensitive….

Well it is how I see something….

Well I had doubts…so I was allowed to lie….

So in this process…of denying…you are hurt..wounded..suffering…

We attempt to toss aside the pain…

Vanquish it to the farthest reaches of the land…

And whip ourselves with straps laced with acid and knives….

So we can say….it is our problem…or my personal favorite….

I deserved it….

So tell me…when at any point do I deserve to be lied about….

Even if I have made a mistake…?

When is it ever alright to paint a false image of a person….

Either to boost oneself up….Which is an illusion…cause you look more the fool than the fool….

Or to knock someone down….

Because well you have been knocked down….

That is my personal favorite…

The I can be an ass…because well….someone punched me before….

Then we wonder why we are so DISABLED…..?

HUH…?????

Bound in a chair…addicted to everything…cannot have a successful relationship with even our cat past 15 minutes….

But it is everyone..elses fault….

HUH…????

Here is a clue…you might have a problem…

Have you smudged someones name….

And then told them…they did not need an apology…?

Slander because someone had a skill you wished you had…and you were living a weak space…and you came from happy land…and then defamed one…to make your sickness look better…?

We all can raise our hand…

Well a bit of news for all of us….

We have no right…no privilege…because we have doubts about another…or they stir the inner being of us…and make us squirm…we have no right…to lie about them…

Then tell them…they do not need an apology…because they took care of it…by telling the people who you smudged them to…that well…he/she is just uncomfortable around here…

How is that healing it….

It is the disability you live in….

Keeping yourself bound to the floor…caved in at the heart….playing sociopathic¬† games with peoples heart….

And I thought I was disabled…because I had a bad self image….

And believed…not too much strongly now….that I was useless on this planet…

And they call me troubled….

Yeah I will wear that t-shirt….

Cause I am troubled….

I am troubled at our condition….

Of denial…of what we need to fix….

Right here….in my own backyard….front yard…the monster sitting in my lap….

This thing of beauty….

•July 7, 2015 • Leave a Comment

The parade of what we are told is beauty….seems odd to me…

It does not seem like beauty…

It seems to be extreme unhappiness….paraded in a stick body with the falsetto smile…..

Like the one they teach beauty pageant contestants to have…

Not too much teeth so you look crazy…

And not too little teeth….that you look ashamed….

Boobs seem to be a sign of beauty….(yes I used that word)….

And either stick thin…flat butts…

Or booty for days….

And when each is portrayed…each is sexually related….

Which has nothing to do with beauty….

Wanting to do someone…is at the moment..the physical attraction….the burst….

Wanting to continue to do someone….most likely is seeing the beauty….

And most falter…and stumble when they have to look upon the person…rather than use them for their pleasure…

And some of us go there and some of us do not….

I have been called beautiful….

And some of that is the still life pictures seen of me…

And some are through the candid shots…when I did not know anyone was looking….

And some were encounters of others engaging in my life…and me in theirs…

But most of that are for people who are awake….

So beauty….

Is it the stick thin…I cannot eat a chip…with the pretend smile…of look at me…I am thin….and am a size 0…I can look sexy in a thong…at 12…thank Daddy for the boob job…alluring…she must be a good….(you know what)…cause I can rub my hands up and down her body…finding no bumps…squilches…or cellulite…except coming upon those man made knockers….

Or…

It is the bouncing booty…wrapped in spandex…or chiffon…fluttering to heights as I bounce down to the floor…and the carved abdomen…flat as cast iron…yet the added addition of the rack…of Dolly Parton…and the booty of…well pick a name…looking tanned and oiled…showing the goods…having little to the imagination…knowing the world has seen more of them…than the private partner…and spectacular videos…illustrating the escapades and how wanted I am…

And I ask the question…

What are you wanted for….?

Do people listen when you speak…

Or do they attempt to digest and define you…to assimilate you..in ways suitable for their…perception…

And how quickly do we tire of the the constant neediness…to validate one as beautiful…

So antics ensue to keep the light upon them…

Perhaps beauty is different…than the manufactured…packaged product..being sold…

And the question is this…

Do we know what it is…?

Will be able to recognize it…ever again…?

Is it gone forever….?

And what does it mean…what does it validate…if I receive the false honor of being called beautiful…?

Yet this I know to be true…

I have yet to hold court with myself….and parade that I am better than another…using my age and insecurity…or realistically hate..to compete with another….to move their eyes toward me..and away from another…because I saw myself as a shell of a human being…who had to use my butt and boobs…because I had nothing else to offer…who’s identity was wrapped in what I was doing in the moment…and I was pointless without it…

And that includes every woman who identifies herself as wonderful…because she is a mother…

Were you not wonderful before the child made an appearance…to validate you…?

I think so…

This post will hit hot spots…

It will make some think…of why…why am I doing thus…

And as I sit here…in my pink pajamas….with my librarian glasses on…in a t-shirt two sizes too big…thinking about a donut I would like to eat…and maybe I am a little pale…and grey is moving through my hair…and this time I will let it show….

Because I cannot compete…

Nor make the stretch marks and the baby belly (nor do I want to)…go away at 52…

Or have everything be in the proper place…

Nor have anyone alter it so it is in its proper space…

I am going to think about the woman I saw last night at work…

Who was bigger than what we allow people to be…

Who made me laugh so hard…I snorted…

And I thought…

Damn girl…now that is what I want to be…

Now that is beauty….

Not manufactured…or packed for our consumption through our greedy…sick eyes…

Just life peeking out through…tired eyes…sweaty hands…and food goo from the three children…her body carried…

I remember those times…

I remember it with tears…because I was trying to be anything but that…

I thought I was distasteful…ugly..useless…

I was wrong…

I was the most beautiful in my life…than I will ever be again…

And yes…I would give good money to go there again…

In a second…

KARMA…..Reap what you Sow….What you put out you get back….100fold…or more…

•July 5, 2015 • 1 Comment

Imagine if every action had a consequence….

And in reality it does…

Yet imagine..every word…action…moment had a consequence…

Hmmm….do you pause for a moment…?

Would you spend more time with your thoughts…?

Give more uummph to the pull..?

Have a little more plowing through on the push…?

In the last couple of days…I have seen the profound sense of Karma….reap what you sow…

It appears that God…the Universe…Spirit…whatever your terminology is….Divine(which we all are)…

Takes care of those we screw with…

Takes care of those we care for…

Karma..in real life….

You be a parent…to your children…teach them…all the stuff they need…not just the pretty stuff…

Then you get to watch them thrive…shoot to the moon…become lovers of humanity….beings who live off the nectar of kindness…

Or…

You be the one who lets them see trash…you belittle the other…drink and drug and think it is safe to place them in vehicles….

because in your book…you are expendable…and so are they….right….

They grow up…and are little monsters….but the Universe…the Divine holds them sacred when you do not…

Yet Karma still kicks in…

Your body starts imploding…a breakdown of immeasurable magnitude and you carry the death stench about you like a cologne….worn too heavily…

And the reaper comes a calling….

I have been the witness to three such occasions in my life….

and then I have been witness to the protection of the Divine….

With nary a singe mark from our negligence….

Karma…does not ask of the innocent…the ignorant…of its power…until one becomes of age…

Karma…asks of the learned one…the knowledgeable one…the one who knows….

And maybe this time…people should start paying attention before the body parts start falling off….

Just saying…

For the Moment….

•July 5, 2015 • Leave a Comment

It is 2:30am…here on my side of the planet….

Went to bed at 6pm…shortly after returning from work…

Hoping to study….

But loud chaos….angst and suffering welcomed me when I entered the place I reside…for the moment…

So I escaped…went into my room and forced sleep upon this body…

Which is needed less and less these days…the more and more I sit…with this being…

Fatigue is rare….

And exhilaration is present…my mind free of the gutter it rampaged through too often…

And as you all know..I read…and quite a bit….especially books speaking of the love of mankind…

The referencing of the beauty of we beings…

The last one I put away was…”Taking the Leap” by Pema Chodron. Fascinating….

And of course…since I am the 1st prize winner in these things…I tried to tell myself…

I needed to do a much better job at loving people….

And there is my oops…

That I got down…

Loving myself…well that is a shifting sands of time event..I frequently endure…

Sounded just like a soap opera there for a moment…

And I stop for dramatic pause….

Another thing I discovered lately is that I am quite humorous….and I make people laugh and feel good about being alive…

But back to the book…

Pema speaks of not going into Sherpa whenever a feeling…emotion…ugly or lovely…presents itself….

Just ride the wave…and I think she might have said that…

It is basic paying attention to the fact you have that feeling…and possibly act ugly…scared…and go on a rant…and those are her words…close..

Sherpa involves letting those feelings take over…so you are not present…and when we let those feelings take over we are in sherpa…

Basic understanding of this is this…

Feel the feeling…notice it…pay attention to it…see how you react…spit out words…or roll out words…run…hide…or stand and let the wave hit you…

It is the awareness…and the not escaping that is what this is all about…everything….

Because nothing is being tucked under the rug…

And it is in acknowledgement of feelings we all grow..have life…remain connected…

The scary part is when we shut off to those feelings and find any way possible to not feel them…

And Why you ask…?

Because no one likes to admit they made a judgement about the woman with the tattoo…

Or the person who is a size 42….

Or the ex…

Or the boss…

Or someone of another color…

Or that person who you encounter everyday…who just grinds you mass hate…that one…

You see it is in the awareness that these thoughts…feelings are happening…and why…

FEAR….

And when we face that fear…we realize…

That person…is the same as us…

And compassion enters…yes over time…

And yes you have to put down the bottle(and look at why you keep numbing)…

Put out the cigarette…

Shut off the television…

And feel every skin crawling moment of it…

For me…this book…

Made me see…how much I do this…

Ride through the feelings…

Thus I cannot sleep…much…

And even my way of coping through the abuse…was to leave this body…

The heart was still present…very much so…

That is why…my heart wrings out at 900 degrees…and aches like words I cannot say…

And to survive…the events..I have shut off the emotions…not ridden the wave…operated in fear…believing it will kill me…

What is killing me…and making me fail in this life…and keep walking some ridiculously worn path…is

Avoidance…and thinking…oh it was not that bad…I am imagining it…

And it was that bad…

And it hurts bad…

It will not kill me…

It only opens my heart wider…and compassion…is in bounty….

Because I am just like you…

And compassion falls on self…

And I can have this dictate my life..or…live my life…

So the book…

Was a review….

Worth the time spent in reading….

Yet not much was meant for me…..

Like I pulverized myself over….and poured the vat of guilt over my head….

This book…is meant for those dying….rotting….and thinking they are flying high…

This should be at the top of their TO DO LIST….

ASAP….

Because one minute you are the little girl in the library…

And ten minutes later you wake up and you are 52….

And you cannot worry about what you did with all those years….

You got to hang on to right now…

Because this is as good as it gets….

And those are the most glorious words I have ever heard….

Imagine This….

•July 3, 2015 • Leave a Comment

A girl…..white blond hair….turquoise…crystal eyes…freckles spattered across her cheeks….sitting in a corner of the school library…eyes averted…reading…”A Wrinkle in Time”…world’s best book….

Understanding the search for a father….and not understanding the one she got….

Not scared so much as to the monster she called parent….or returning after the school day…or what was she going to do all Summer to stay hidden….

But the belief…the inkling of thought…that some fathers…were kind….and not so much…like the one she knew…

And that is the lesson for this being…the last couple of months…

To understand…to grasp…on a divine level…that many of the beings roaming this planet were far from the ones…blocking her view…and demanding she look at their ugly…..

There were those walking amongst us…just like she…who refused to be…unkind…

How can a child love still…a parent who takes bites out of them….

Is the other option hate…?

And then I am just like…you…? him…?

Instead of me feeding the panic mill of hate…and blame and hate…cause that is a viable option…I guess…

And then spending my life hating…self abuse….

And seeing the divine…the universe…care…for all those I punched…

Yet watching my body….implode with all the disease I brought upon self…

Which do I choose….?

The poverty of soul….

Or…

The poverty of acceptance…

I stumble back to the corner…in the library….and I sit with myself….

Not placing her in my lap…but sitting next to….arms slightly touching….on this discovery of bad touch…to good touch…

Till relaxation eases in and sleep finds us both….

I awaken…she is gone for the moment….

I ease up onto the broken elbow….stretch my back…and smile….

And wonder if anyone notices the sleeping girl in the corner…..

 
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