On the cusp

•July 26, 2017 • Leave a Comment

A part of me feels like I am peeking through a window, that is open a crack..

And I have the whole Grand Canyon to see about the majesty of myself..

Yet I am peering through a small window..

Not a bad thing..just never really looked before..

And that is odd..

It reminds me of going to the Grand Canyon a number of years ago with my sons and standing and looking out and thinking..this is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And barely, just barely even touched upon the expanse of that beautiful expanse.

That is how I feel now.

And I am good with that.

I am looking at 100 days of NO CONTACT from the meat suit.

The pile of bones, skin and stuff that surgeries cannot keep intact..but hey..karma shows itself at the oddest times.

It is like looking at the pictures and going..Oh..and everything you were not able to see at the time..you now see..

And 1 is followed by 2 and then by 3…and so on and so on..

And my journal is filled with everything he ever said and everything he ever did and looking at it and saying..he lied about everything…and it is everything.

And especially anything pertaining to me.

You see these meat suits..such a nice name for them..have to throw all their perversity and ugly onto you..make you believe you are trash..

And the crazy part about it is..they are trash and they target you because you are beautiful..you make them look good..

They do not play with their own kind..

Their own kind is so busy chewing on each other and finding someone who will make them not so smelly…they aint got time to sit around having a cup of tea..chatting about how smitten they are with themselves.

They spend their time trying to make you believe you are shit, suck life from you, leave you alongside the road barely breathing and hoping, hoping you believe it.

If they convince you..well the ride is good…in an illusion stance…not really.

Because it all falls apart and they are standing their naked..and that is the last thing they want.

Yet it is what happens.

So convincing you, that you are trash and you are so fortunate to have met them, so they can right the wrongs in you and tolerate you..well..that is better than them sticking their body part in an animal and calling it a day.

So as you back out and detox and start realizing that you do not have to look through a dirty crack in a window..and that the entire Grand Canyon is yours..

You notice things…

Like pictures…most enlightening.

Captions under pictures..

You are standing in a store and someone says something to you and you think…damn..that sure isnt what the meat suit said…

See what I mean.

My decision to get away from evil..and to fight for me..has been a revolution..

And I would not want it any other way..not for a second.

I am just seeing what I am..what my talents are besides the ones I already know..

Like I am a fantastic chef..I am a fantastic designer..I am an astounding seamstress..I am excellent in math..and excel at customer service and issue resolution..

I am freaking intelligent..run like the wind..and who knew this frame existed under all that shit he dumped on me.

And I just have seen how beautiful I am..how brilliant my eyes are..how captivating my smile is..and how happy I make people..

I realize that I am very easy to get along with..and people enjoy working with me..being on my team at work and other places..because I am kind and strong and highly organized.

Geez..ever wonder why we believed the meat suit..?

So I stand at 100 days..

And have done things I never thought possible.

Have done more in these 100 days than I have done in years.

And I know everything is a lie that came from him and his family..

And those masks and props they have used to suck people in to keep him distracted so they did not have to deal with him..are falling apart quicker than they can grab a marker and make another prop..

And they have a karma hanging on them for throwing that meat suit to innocents to have to deal with..

And now they have to deal with him 24/7…no matter if he has someone else or something else in his bed..or he is in their bed…its all imploding..

And you do not have to play detective..

When you tell the universe, God, Spirit..that you will not be evil and will separate from evil..you will be shown what you need to see..without any effort on your part…

You will see how amazing you are…

Because of how hard they beat on you to convince you that you are trash..

How they still are trying to get to you so you believe you are trash, so you come back..

And they will not stop..

And remember..trash does not play with trash..it is pointless..

They only send stupid texts to each other on planning ways to smear beautiful people..

They do not have calls discussing how wondrous their life is..

They talk about ways to silence you..how to kill you..make you dead inside just like them..

And when you do not cooperate, they increase..

Pay attention..

Shit does not play with shit..it does not go to another variety of its kind and say hey..make me smell good..

They have to have something that smells good…basically not shit..

So understand..

If you are being pulverized by these meat suits, its because you are amazing…

And I am going to bet..beautiful, intelligent, kind, talented, and off the charts well outstanding.

And you know that everything they told you about another hurting them..to get pity from you..well, they were the one doing the hurting and preyed on wounded souls..

Like the time I was told his girlfriend drugged him and made him go to a hotel room and have sex in front of people while they got their jollies..

Was instigated by him, not her and he probably drugged her up considerably, and she was beaten and shamed into doing it, cause he said it would be fun and a way to prove she loved him..

Or the having sex with men using no protection and “men” brutalizing him and then him having sex with so many women we lost count,  without revealing this piece of information..

Me thinks he was the one brutalizing men, women, dogs, children…which highly explains the what 5 surgeries now to keep things on a barely functioning level.

Ummm..none of these people that he said set him up and made him do these inhumane acts are around..they have nothing to do with him..ever wonder why..?

Ever wonder why he talked so poorly about everybody..?

Ever wonder why he said everybody failed him..?

Ever wonder why they constantly have to shower and bathe..like they are constantly trying to get some stench off of them..?

Ever wonder why their homes are like the inside of a dumpster and you can never figure out what that smell is..?

It is evil..

Ever wonder why you cannot sleep…?

Ever wonder why…when you are with them you ache..and then when you are away from them for even minutes you feel like dancing..?

Ever wonder why they have constant health issues and they get bigger and bigger..

And you have no health issues..?

Ever wonder how before you would take off and go exploring…

And then suddenly you cannot get out of bed..?

Are you catching the drift here…

I have been clear 100 days..

Have done more in 100 days than I did in the almost 5 years I knew this meat suit..

Including 4 promotions…

And yes I will scream that from the mountain tops.

I am tired, but not from trying to ward off his blows or trying to clear my head…

I am tired from a good day at work, and taking a run..simple life actions..

I can lay my head down and rest knowing that today I made the world a little bit better..I put love out there..I increased life and did not diminish it..

I eat when I want and what I want and all those things the meat suit said I could not eat.

I take pristine care of this vessel..no pollution..

And today I was told my smile was captivating..

And I will take that any day..

And I will never be silent..

And everything I was told I cannot do, I am doing and will do..and so will you..

We have been peeking through a small window, smudged with dirt..

Lies, hate and jealousy piled up on you…never yours to carry..

Go to the water…with your paper..even if its a notebook, filled with everything they lied about, everything they smeared you for, everything they stomped on your heart with, everything they told you you could not do or have…and set it on fire..and throw it away..

It is all a lie.

That simple.

That profane.

And it has no power.

Step out of their karma.

It is coming for them no matter what you do.

And it is fierce and angry.

And that is the last place you want to be.

You do not want to be associated with that.

You do not want to send the message out to God, Spirit, Universe that this is how you play.

Because that will burn holes in you.

And you have something to do here..in this life..and it may not be clear right now..but it will..

Yet most of all…most of all..


Love yourself…you know how…you do..

The beginning..

The absolute best place to be..



•July 22, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Pictures tell fact..

Yet we wish they would tell a story..a story we want others to believe..rather than the fact.

And we cannot hide the fact(s) no matter how many interpretations of the pictures we give.

No matter how many words, descriptions, quick turning of the page we turn upon those observing.

If you look at a picture, the places, actions and events will unfold.

You will see who wishes the person next to them was not there.

You will see elbows used as buffers between bodies.

You will see the teeth smile..the one that says..”take the damn picture”.

You will see the body turned away from others, while opened to another.

You will see the head turned in sweetness to one and the neck tilted awkwardly away from another.

You can see who one loves and who one tolerates.

You will see arms around waists and smiles that light up the world…and you would have sworn they were blood..of the same family..but not.

You will see arms hanging along the body with forced capped smiles..and you would swear that was the enemy.

On each of these points you would be right.

One was not family..yet was family to the one all smiles, held closer than family.

People do not allow others to embrace them around the waist and pull them close, unless they love that person and hold them in high respect.

People place barriers like elbows and turning away to play the message of deep hatred and placing in a polite manner that they know the person they are turning away from..has lied to them, manipulated them, used them to hurt another.

And they want others to see the picture so they get the message. If they did not want the message blasted across the heavens, well they would make them private.

Pictures tell facts..

Not a story..


True smiles involve the eyes..and are unexpected and appreciated.

Fake smiles..ones of distress..reveal little teeth and hands guarding valuable places. or places invaded and have been told they are not of value.

So it seems the tables have turned against the tide…and the train is going a different direction.

It is not only those on the outskirts who show their hate, but the intimates who now blast to the world their desire to not be known or associated with this person.

The truth..always comes out.

And it is not really patience one needs to let the truth surface…because it always does..

One must simply..get out of the way..stop painting the room happy yellow when it really is vomit grey.

Stop cleaning up their messes.

Stop having inane circling the tree, like a dog chasing its tail, conversations where they feed you one more excuse so they can have one more day to do their filth.

Let it simmer, then bubble to the top.

Let it get in focus.

Help it to detox.

Move all the growling tigers and the flying trapeze out of the way.

Shut off the bright lights and listen and look.

Give it a moment..seconds really and the picture unfolds..facts appear.

All you have to do is look.

All you have to do is look.

All you have to do is look.


Think about it

•July 21, 2017 • Leave a Comment

The comeback is always stronger than the setback.

Soul Beat..Soul Repair..

•July 20, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I am of the mindset that we choose the path we have in our many and varied lives.

Of the believe we sign a contract of sorts and say…” I will do this, to learn this.

Most of life is about learning,

So 54 years ago I signed up for my dad and my siblings…

Realizing that in each and every moment of that walk, that choice I could decide which path I would follow.

Knowing I would learn in each and every endeavor.

And perhaps in some endeavors I would seek to not learn until a certain point.

Sort of like the 3 monkeys..one sees no evil, another speaks no evil, and another hears no evil.

My soul beating came early in my life..about the age of 1. My first memory comes of being in a walker, in the kitchen, looking at an open refrigerator, with some contents spilled out on the floor and muffled sounds from another room.

And being very scared.

The same house where I sat under the kitchen table eating dog food with our dog Two Bits, as she gently nudged bits to me, knowing the same as I that this was all there was.

I also thing in this choosing we also say, I will learn and from that knowledge I will go one of two directions.

I think most who know me..or know of me, or who have read my pieces know which way I will always be going.

Even at the world’s cost of losing my family..

I figured my soul was the greatest loss..and if I did not show that the path was not towards..sex, drugs and rock and roll and our vanity..the ship was going down.

So in my childhood, after being in foster care and being told I was being returned to my father, I left. I lived a life of safety and joy, despite living on the streets.

I will forever view those 4 years as my greatest, happiest time. They allowed me to evolve into me. And it was my answer from the universe when I asked to be taken away from that monster labeled father.

I learned a lot about people..

Some things I would have cared to not know, but then I may not be the fighter I am today.

After the murder of my brother and watching them place his body in the ground and standing there in awe because he was watching the whole thing happen. My brother dead in the physical form, yet walking right beside me.

I met monster number 2..husband..in grief and despair I walked right into the arms of charm, just like my father and I believed perhaps out of needing to be held…that he cared.

I should have known that something was up when he hid me when I got pregnant..something tells me he had been down that road before.

I guess I should have known better when 2 weeks before our son was to be born, he went to England..to participate in a drinking and lets watch the rugby team be sucked off for lack of a better term, and he photographed it to show me while I was struggling through contractions.

I should have known better when he told me if I ever left he would destroy me and make my sons hate me..and he did..well make my sons hate me.

And the hardest part of that is watching your children face their karma..

You cannot stand in the way. If you do..you deal with their karma and you bleed out and they let you.

Then monster 3..I have been 94 days NO CONTACT.

It has been a year and a half since I have been out of his space..the space that I know if I had walked through the doors one more time, I would have been locked in forever.

Me leaving told that evil…NO..if I had stayed and believed I could make that evil thing better..I would have been sucked into that house and a prisoner. And eventually my physical body would have given out, yet not before he had crapped and burnt deep holes in my soul.

And I am not up for that..never.

So 94 days ago I went on a quest..

To bring me back into focus.

Part of that is to learn what you have been dealing with.

So I have listened to hundreds of videos about these things..not human and yes 100% evil.

I have read books, articles, and personal accountants of these things.

And I am coming well into focus.

I was heavier..not fat or whatever term we use..congested..build ups in my body..stuck.

Hair flat and spindly, no depth, going grey really fast.

Skin bumpy and dry..dry..

Tired, so tired..crazy tired..



And seeing no purpose to go on..

Maybe that was the thing..but I think it was something else. I think it was me sitting there thinking…

“Why do these people want me silenced”?

And I thought I was all alone in this..

Why did they want me silenced?

I thought at first..perhaps it was because they wanted to hear only the voices that came from their children, siblings..about how wonderful they were for raping their sons and daughters.

And then I realized they wanted me to agree with them..to go along for the show and believe that every dad had sex with his daughter and made babies..

That every man went around and stuck his body part into mens mouths and butts..like it was like brushing your teeth.

That every body sits in their recliner with enough alcohol to put out an elephant, jerking off to porn…

I mean duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And after you process what has happened to you.

And what is still happening.

You decide your course of action.

And there be some who really do not like me breathing..

Well let me define that..they want me breathing as long as my breathe is what they feel as I am kissing their ass.


So since that is not my thing..

I chose me..

I chose light..and good..and love.

And some crazy things have happened.

Not one disaster, not one accident, not even a hangnail.

When I was with monsters, things would always be messing up, exploding, breaking, bleeding and everyone was so angry.

Now I have safety, plenty of food, money for every bill, good pay, promotions..

I’m like what..?

And first I dropped weight…I think it was all that crap coming out.

And then I leveled off..

For a bit there I looked like I was not eating…because I was trying to be you know accepted by society..like someone I know…

Really its not cool to look like an 11 year old with fake boobies…we all know you starve yourself..you dont look good, but you know that.

Now my weight is perfect for me..

My hair growing and thick and shiny…feel like I am in a commercial.

My skin..smooth, pink and soft like I sat in a vat of moisturizer.

And now my tired is from a good day at work..every day at work is good.

And sometimes I am tired from taking a run or walking..but that is from me pushing myself and challenging myself to be the healthiest I can be..

Not from someone pushing me off a cliff and then stepping on my fingers as I clung to the edge.

No more insomnia..now when my head hits that pillow I am out..

The only time insomnia hits is when well..I have to deal with stupid actions..

Like someone thought my life was disposable, so they told another where I work..and that idiot came and tried to see me and left me a note and did something else so I would have warm feelings running through my heart for them.

Well I dont..and neither does the police, nor the magistrate.

And if either of you idiots feel like getting up close and personal with a jail cell, do it again.

I am sure they could squeeze you in.

So I am back in focus…blurry around the edges..and just discovering what I am here to do..and what I really look like..

And that is the adventure I will stay on.

94 days..

94 days.

94 days

Soul Repair..because I care.

Letting Go…Day 90

•July 18, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I greatly like..like..like the term letting go.

I could say I love it, yet I use the term LOVE a bit more close to the heart.

An example would be this..

I thought I loved the narc/sociopath/psychopath but I did not..

Each of those 3 relationships were illusions, deceptions..you are being tricked into thinking they are something they are not.

And for all of them, well take out my father..because he did not try to hide what he was.

I loved an illusion.

The person became a copy of me..and boys I take that as a compliment.

And I take it as a bigger compliment that I have decided to exit the relationship with the narc/sociopath/psychopath.

So “letting go” has been a process.

One I will do over and over again..not the sick sick relationships, but the journey of letting go of those things that bring destruction into my life.

I decided careless eating would stop..and if funds would not allow at the time..I would stretch out those items until resources allowed for more. But less money in my heart did not allow for careless foods for me.

I decided to never have alcohol again. Alcohol puts an energy into you that literally and figuratively extracts the soul from you.  And eventually the body becomes so polluted the soul departs that body and it is consumed by the dark, death energy.

You, are no longer present because you are not safe within that being.

So why is a 3 second rush worth that?

Kind of like unsafe sex..the thrill of doing something dangerous and with someone dangerous for a 3 second rush..and oh yes, alcohol is always involved and said to be the reason for such actions.

I decided to never be in a relationship whether friend or lover that is sick..or me tolerating abuse out of fear..thinking that they have some power they do not.

Many people worry about the smear campaign…


Yes it pinches at first, does not really hurt..what makes us uncomfortable is we believe the lies, the smearing. We think they are deserved because we got out of a relationship that was wrong, wrong.

We say..I should have worked harder…how so?…is having your body parts cut off doing better…?

Think about what you say..

You draw that crap in..

Use your words..

And the smearing of you..is it true..?

Ummm no..so walk away.. even with sweaty palms and shaky legs.

Who you are will show itself when you take off that cloak of their hate and lies.


Once you let this sick relationship go, you will see some differences..

I will use me as an example..

Ex husband..cancer 4 times, had significant body parts cut off, diabetes, heart disease..I could go on for days, legal and criminal issues to write a book on.

Narc/sociopath and his family..cancer, cancer, cancer anorexia nervosa, obesity, heart attacks, stroke, schizophrenia, many surgeries to keep body parts in and many surgeries to get bacteria out, shunts, pills, pills, pills, dementia, HIV, legal and criminal issues to write a book on.

And that is just some of the physical aspects.

Me, nada nothing..no cancer, no dementia, not even a torn fingernail.

Are you getting the picture.

When you play with evil you can easily become evil.

So let it go..

Walk away, run away, skip away…go away.

Who you are will come out..and what they are, is out.

And honestly, do you really want to be around people who play in that sandbox..?

Do your job, do it well..so when the ugly opens its mouth..people will look about and take the trash out..

You cannot be taken from you..

You cannot be made silent..

You cannot become nothing..

You are awake, thinking, seeking.

They are describing themselves, not you.

FEAR..False Evidence Appearing Real.

Isn’t that what the abuser did to you..

Mirrored you, made you think they were something they were not.

False evidence appearing real…

That is what it is..

Love bombing, word salad, mirroring, oh soulmate oh my, gaslighting, degrading, devalue, brainwashing.

It is not yours to have..its theirs.

Cause we know misery loves company.

This is not a game.

•July 16, 2017 • Leave a Comment

This is not a game. But for those of you who think it is, let me specify the guidelines and rules.

This is life. Total complete in it. Aware of everything. And accepts nothing but the best.

When one realizes they are with a narc/sociopath/psychopath you spend a moment or two feeling like you are being held under water.

The feeling dissipates and you are up for air all the time. The “situation” is that you most likely wont like the air you are breathing.

You can say to yourself..I should have known better..been wiser..not been fooled..

But the greatest\, most aware, most wondrous human beings get fooled.

So why lay in the crap pile they crapped for you and said “Come here sweetheart in my bed of roses”.

You were fed a whole lot of lies and they played with the most precious and beautiful parts of beings…your soul. And they hoped to achieve you looking at the world from the highly disfigured view they hold and you becoming as stinky as they do..and go silent.

So what happens when you do not hold their view and you do not go silent…

Umm they panic.

They count on you believing that you are ugly..because don’t they start by telling you how beautiful you are…and then when you are having a bad hair day, they chop you off at the knees and remind you how vain you are and all the time you spend primping and preparing.

They count on you believing that you are stupid…they charm you with your wit and mirror it for you so you go..”Oh my Soulmate”. FYI..a soulmate is created from years of enduring through life together as a team, not as a sniveling, back stabbing whore who sticks their dick in anything that will take it..which by the way is what they will tell you that you are if you have or had sex with them.

I know I hit a few people over the head with this…

They tell you at first how they admire your gifts, your abilities and then one day you wake up to them telling you that you cook only to make them fat, or you sew well to make everyone else look bad. Or my personal favorite is breaking your sewing machine(because they take away from you anything you love or love to do) and then after screaming at you for offering to fix the hole in their pants(yes this actually happened) they ask you to fix their pants of course with a great big please..so you can see your broken machine. And of course they act all oh and ahh..and inside they are doing cartwheels because they “think” they destroyed something you love…and fyi it is not them.

I am sure you questioned things, just like me..but all the conditioning women and men have been indoctrinated with, to play nice and not judge has cost many a sister and a brother their life..

So judge for Gods sake judge…

Look up the meaning of the word…it is critical thinking..

And assess why do we spend so much time trying to be so pleasing and questioning ourselves and not the actions we see happening right before us..

Why do we tell ourselves we have the problem.

Why do we tell ourselves we are not to be rattled and shocked to the core when we see evil enacted right in front of us.

Pay attention..

And use your voice…

You are not alone..

And I dont care two spits about what those freaks think of me..

I hate..hate them with such passion…

And it is the hate that saved my life.

It is the hate of evil, not even disguised evil, they we should scream about.

So hear me scream.

I have done more in 89 days then I did in my 20 year marriage, the 14 years I was with my father, or the 4 years I hung with dildo man..and fyi he looks like a dildo too…and ask him, he knows lots about them..dont you Mark.

You see this is a game to them, with the ending being you sitting at their feet adoring them.

Kind of hard to adore when you hate them with passion…and when the mask slips and you see them for what they are.

And what are they..?

Nothing more than crap…and not even a good crap.

A thing..meat and bones in a bloody suit, that hates, abhors themselves. Is terrified of everything especially of himself, knows full well what they are and lives in mortal fear that they will be seen, they are terrified of death, of getting older, and decaying and having karma come a calling…because it does. I get to see it first hand.

My father, then my husband, then my sons, and now Marky..

So today I had a moment to test this out..

And my response is this..

Remember Mark, the places I work are full of cameras and are on the opposite side of town you live in..and asking about me in any location constitutes harassment, stalking and threat to bodily harm…oh from the same police that you thought were your buddies as I was leaving and you were thinking which one you could sodomize.

And a note was left, which I let the magistrate know is from you, because I do have papers with your handwriting on them..and and I have you on film asking for me..

So..maybe rethink this.

So ladies, gentlemen when you think it is a lost hope and you are alone..condemned to live a life of suffering because in your eyes you should have known better…

STOP..for the sake of all things holy STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You could have never known..

Everyone who writes and speaks about this issue..and this is not your garden variety abuse(I stole that from Kim Wilson)..tells it from the other side of surviving..

Of facing death and saying..not today…

This is not like buying a lemon of a car from a schmoozing salesman..

This is pure evil…

Pure evil going after pure LOVE…YOU and ME and lots of others..

It is a deliberate playing with the soul of dynamic loving human beings…that is why you were targeted, wooed and reeled in..

You aint trash…that is their families…

You are so light and love and lovely..

And they got to shut that down..and they have succeeded with many…

And are we going to sit by and let them take more lives…?

That is not in my agenda…

Just in my life alone…a woman of 53..this evil has taken my maternal grandmother, my mother, my oldest sister, my brother..my best friend, another brother,  my four sons, three babies, multiple animals, and so many friends and innocents that thought these pieces of @#$% were genuine.

So I will speak, scream when I need to and whisper when that is due. I will not be scared into believing that if I utilize the law afforded to me that I will be “revealed” for some schmuck or some irrational woman who doesnt like men or anyone who is doing well.

So again I repeat, because it seems some did not get the message…

I hate you..with every fiber in my being..

Every breath I take only brings it stronger.

I do not care that you are “here”.

Your words only reinforce that your family has tossed you aside and left you to your own devices…

It has been 89 days and still you get my silence…

I know you were hoping for a phone call, that maybe your little note would trigger a tear or two…wrong again sunshine..

My hate increased…

Not what you are expecting..

Come on give it a whirl..see if you can end up on camera again…oh and by the way..you dont look to good in film…might want to work on the makeup a bit..maybe ask your daughter..she has the makeup and the fake face thing down well..you should know being so up close and personal with her…

Huh daddy..grandpa..


•July 15, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Why is it placed into our thinking as real..as truth..such things as..

To know happiness I must know sadness.

To know good I must know evil.

Why do we reject the elemental fact that innate within our beings we know these things and then choose accordingly..?

Does it make it easier to justify something if one was to say..

“I had no idea that would make you cry”…


Is that what we have reduced ourselves to…some blind, absent being that says..

Good thing my brother was killed, now I can appreciate people that are still here…

Are you @#$% kidding me..?

Please tell me that is a joke.

I read quotes every day that say that crap..

To know sunshine one must have the rain..

To have warm one must have the cold..

To know happiness one must have sadness..

Do I have them before that..or are they simply granted to me when I have compliant behavior..?

Do I have to have a certain measure of them to get the other..?

Or are we all doled out the same grape koolaid…?

We all know how precious life is, we just choose to misuse it, or end it due to our carelessness.

We all know expansive and life expanding love is..some just simply choose to use a suggestion of love…confusion to place bars around people..

And we dole out words that suggest if one has the right attitude, they are not deserving or deserving of blessings, gifts, food, water, safety.

How easily do we allow ourselves to be mind controlled which goes right into the core of us and snatches that heart away to solitary confinement.

So if I am to follow the line of thought here from these quotes..

The person on the corner that looks like they have not showered in a year, asking for money, just asking..can only appreciate..showers, food, safety after they have done their time in sadness..humiliation..agony and fear…

Then what? They become like the cowardly lion, Dorothy, the tin man and the scarecrow realizing they already had those things..and skip down the road..

So in all theory of this point, I had to have my dad, my husband, my sons and stupid man hit me..beat me, so I could lets say..be grateful..?

And believe that if I thought hard enough, was thankful enough, had enough false gratitude..the law of attraction from me thinking a certain way would make all of that disappear and I would be what..happy..oh and grateful for the experience, because now I know peace and understanding..

Do I sound angry…I hope I sound angry..I am..

And that anger is my most powerful force..wrapped in love..

Because anger, real anger when one sees oneself manipulated, schemed, gossiped about and brutalized all under the guise of teaching me a lesson..will be the ticket that gets me out.

Thinking I must endure a beating to appreciate solace in healing from that wound every time a mark, a scar, an ache brings itself to my attention and say..

Wow how fortunate that I survived such abuse..I guess I did something in another life or perhaps when I was a baby that made that beating useful..so now I will not beat anyone else..

I knew when I was crawling on the floor, before the child learned how to walk..that there was something wrong with my father..

I knew each and every time I heard a sibling scream that this was not okay..

I did not later when all my needs were supplied suddenly have an epiphany and think…

Oh now I get it..I see the purpose..

I do not need bad to see good…both sit in front of me every moment and I choose, not from a thought process of checks and balances of we need more of this to have that…

But of what I choose..

I do not seek to justify a behavior that says..oh I had a difficult past, so now I can be an ass..

I will leave that to you dad, Larry, Mark and a few others.

What a weak watered down version of a sack of bones you all are..

Those actions have not taught me good, or happiness because I knew such evil..

Those actions taught me what evil is and how people choose it all the time and then blame another for it.

And then attempt to get me to believe that you had no idea what you were doing.


So Mark, you had no idea that if you put a certain body part in your daughter you would be raping her and oh yes lets remember making a baby..

Oh yes and you had no idea that having sex with men and no protection for them and you would skip down the boardwalk…so what are your guts doing in a baggy outside of your body..? And why does your heart keep needing shunts and props to keep it going..?

Oh thats right…you do not have enough good in your life to appreciate this deep destruction.

Oh and Larry, I guess having your man parts cut off is the fault of all the women you raped..not you though right..?

The absurdity of these thoughts..

Makes you a prisoner, a captive. Constantly trying to to think the right thing to make the tables turn and you step into gratitude.

You right now know the difference between good and evil.

You right now know the difference between happy and sad.

You right now know the difference between hungry and fed.

You right now know the difference between warmth and cold.

You choose..and that constant choice dictates by what is happening to you..right now.

You can believe you are deserving of being lied to and manipulated into thinking that you are the cause of another abusing you, because you just do not act right..

Then sunshine wont matter after a certain point because you will be 6 feet under…because that is the point for them..

You dead and them living off of what you created.

Anyone who says..you just dont understand me..or I am doing this for your good..or tells you here take a pill or a toke or have a drink..it will all be better shortly..

Wants you dead..quiet..believing a lie..

You want proof…

Go to the window and look at that tree..tall..or look at the expanse of ground..or the sky, blue and bright..

And then go look in the mirror at the bruise upon your face or the saddness overwhelming you..or the drunk slobbering in the bed..

And tell me..you have no idea on how to be happy..tell me that you have no idea between hot and cold..you have no idea of dark and light..

Tell me that you need to be punched one more time to know..this is wrong and that you are precious..

Tell me ..that you already know the value of life..and it is staring right back at you..

Go look..


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