Just a bit uncomfortable….

•March 26, 2015 • Leave a Comment

This subject matter makes me uncomfortable to talk about….

Not because of the subject….but because it has been a prevalent theme my entire life…and I have finally found out what is happening in this yonder soul of this being…

So that is the positive….

At some point in addiction…one crosses over the line into lifelong illness….

And I am not being specific and saying much of anything about the physical aspects…even though they tend to be items one deals with…

I am referencing the soul destruction….

Addiction in my view can be best seen in “crack babies”…babies born from mothers who are addicts of some sort…and are born with no conscience…

This is not something one advertises, yet they stand out in a group…they are the children who have no empathy, compassion…can push other children or adults around and have no response in an emotional level…

We all have seen them…

And one can be an addict of bad…drugs to simple bad drugs that one takes for lets say…a social anxiety disorder…

Which in my thoughts..if I am to be honest is a pampering of a sickness seen early on…in children because we become scared of our children and the fits they might throw if we say no…and are different than the “other” parents….

Please understand I am not referencing legitimate issues….

I have many a friend who lives moment by moment with these…

Who knows..I have something..I just have not put a label on it…and that is okay….

But like most friends and associates I know…we are aware….

This discussion specifies those who are not aware they have unhinged their soul…

Those who play for years in drinking….

Each male I have known from father to husbands to boyfriend have each been an addict/alcoholic and they go hand in hand….

It is like black without white…you do not see it without the difference…

These individuals have moments of what might be an apparent attempt at a conscience…

They seem to care and be involved…

But if their blatant use of humanity is questioned they will become…shall we say difficult…

They float between periods of high looking…meaning appearing to be happy and feeling good….which is usually related to an event where they inflicted some sort of pain and/or control over another…usually the opposite sex…

And…morose…sad…wounded…no one understands…hating the sight of you…violent…try to rush you out the door faster than you can blink…

One minute they love you and literally a minute later you are the spawn of Satan….

What is this….?

I call it soul detachment….and I personally do not think it can be mended…not ever…

A person involved with a person of such nature must realize they are not with a whole person and partial humanity would be reaching…

The drug of choice has so destroyed them…they are gone…

Dealing with them always is a dance of one step forward…oops move to the left…quick swing to the back…and duck…

It is like sleeping with one eye open when you have cheated on a partner/spouse…

Waiting for the next…I hate you…period…

One has to dwell that it is living or participating with one who has one foot in death and the other hovering in life…

A life of drugs…a life of alcohol…removes us from us…and I believe it can never be given back…never restored….

I wished as a child for my father…prayers to the angels that protected me and my siblings from the drunken rages and multiple forms of abuse my father never seemed to be bothered about….

Most of the time he smiled during these times…especially when terror was wrapped up in your every cell…

Then husband…when he had lost the upper hand…you thought nice of yourself for one minute…he was as cold as ice…and used those mechanisms that they do..to pound you into the ground…

This tends to not be physical yet much more psychological…and that has been the hugest hurdle for me…at 52 I still hear those words…I call them out many times a day…

In some ways I feel more fortunate in recovery from my father…I can look at the physical scars and I can make them beautiful by connecting all my freckles….

But words are different…especially when they do not use the exact words like stupid…ugly…etc…

Then boyfriend…fits of alcohol…and animal is a nice name…swears he can stop on a dime…and claims he already has…and I cannot prove if he has or he has not…because he acts like an animal when he loses power and ability…

So it may be fresh alcohol…or the alcohol encasing his soul…

And if one can just quit…why did you go to rehab…seriously…not as simple as I think I will stop…

But that is for another day…

So as I have dealt with these people and will deal with others like this…as I am moving into this field…go figure huh…

And this is what I register….because I still have…and holy thanks to God and the Universe…I still have my fingers and toes…

These are partial people…and the longer they go on and the longer they continue to live that life…the less of them lives…and I have to look at them that way…and make my interactions and choices reflect…my consistency and their inconsistency….

Part of them knows..a small part registers…that they are gone to this illness…yet for the most part they have no idea…how thwarted and twisted they are….

They think we are messed up and they are normal….and yes they will surround themselves with others who are as sick or more and are supports in this life…

Occasionally a light stands out…like a person…and they must have it…then push it away…

They never really love you…that is something I think they are incapable of…and they mostly hate you….

Because deep inside…they know something is wrong…

So stick to your heart…be well in what you do…live life…laugh a lot…spend time with people who just giggle at the most simple things…like a caterpillar…

I used to hide…be a hermit…because I believed I just did not understand or love them enough….

Honey that aint the trick…

Love yourself…count on you…prepare and plan for you…love them…

And always…always look toward the sun…always…

By the way…life is beautiful…even in the darkness…

 

Peace….

•March 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I am learning to hate that word….

It has been used on me…as a weapon…in more instances I want to remember…

It has become the old standby…the word one will use…to set turmoil…running a muck…

It is like looking at someone and saying SMILE….

Because of course I am the one who determines and sets the qualifications of what deems one to smile about…

I am God….

yeah no…I do not want that job….

But I am divine..of the God energy…in whatever language you choose to define it as…

Being peaceful has now become…the silence tool….

See…see..something is wrong with you…you cannot be peaceful…

So agitation rises…and the myths one is prompted on…grows…and peace is as elusive…as finding the car keys when one is late….they seem to duck and hide…

I can tell you this….

Those not in peace…are usually in the greatest fight of their life….trying to claim their spot in this great and mighty world…

They tend to be the voices we try and silence….

Because well…I am made to feel all…uncomfortable…squishy…

And I would prefer you well…shut up…

Because those not resembling peace…make us..cause us…to look at ourselves…

How have we become complacent…?

How have we numbed ourselves into oblivion….?

How have we set up practices over many years…and expect there to be no repercussions from them…?

HUH????

It is like drinking for years and you are surprised when the doctor tells you…you have brain damage…a condition like “wet brain”…

Or time spent looking at porn…and you look at people as holes….

Peace is a surety of oneself…

It cannot be transferred..I cannot hum…chant…and make another choose a peaceful path…

Every step is up to the individual…Choice…

Peace cannot be obtained when one is doing things to numb…distance..close off…

Peace cannot be obtained by taking your own misgivings and throwing them onto another…

Peace cannot be obtained through hours of meditation…yoga..and great breathing…

Yet peace can be obtained…set into one…through acknowledgement…

That my heart weeps for you…even though I have never met you…

I am filled with sadness…that many of us spend hours…huge amounts of money to alter ourselves…to only hate ourselves more…

Peace comes from knowing one is alive…

Fighting the good fight…fighting for another…fighting for self…putting myself aside…watching as I tend to another…

Peace comes as I watch the branches move and sway…knowing I am a powerful force…and that I will be cared for…all I have to do is ask…

Peace comes and stays…when I look at the true Me…

And look about at all the majestic things this divine spirit has done…

Even cleaning the toilet…

Even rubbing someones tired feet..when they told you to take a hike…

Peace is life…

Yet not through some yoga pose slumber….because who am I…once I arise…?

Peace is the constant question….

The constant looking into the boxes we would like to forget….not hoping one day they disappear….because we were good enough…

Peace is knowing…

There is no better moment than right now…

Peace is knowing…I still give a damn….and fighting to always give a damn…

Want nothing but sleep….

•March 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I have tried for a few days now to just sleep…

relief from the day….

usually spent in overly ambitious activities…and to do lists that never end…and are never accomplished…I just add on…

Thursday and Friday…this body could take no more….

Spending most of Friday in an overload stupor…and I have to acclimate to this “new” thing in my life…

I collapsed….

Slept 14 hours Thursday and a bit over 12 on Friday…

Do not get me wrong….I so appreciate the voyage I am on…

It is just very unfamiliar shores….

And that is perfect….

I am learning a new language…not literally…but then literally I am…

I am speaking in I sentences…

Learning I do not speak for anyone but me….

So that is the purpose of I statements….

And I saw this quote which is excellent….

Live in such a way, that is someone spoke badly about you, no one would believe it”

And then I tweaked it….

because lets be honest…when most people speak poorly or badly about another it is from spite…and it holds no truth….if it did we could back up our speaking poorly of another….

Mostly it stems from our envy..hate…coveting…

In my tweak..I phrased it this way….

Live in such a way that is someone spoke badly about you, YOU would not believe it…

Too much energy…such precious energy is spent on sucking into the belief we are what another says we are…

And that definition given to us…most of the time…9 out of 10 is from another wanting control over us…

And how is that best achieved…?

Thought you would never ask…

Make them think they are damaged…defective…and maybe as whip cream and a cherry….CRAZY….

It is a wonderful life…spending all your time on the defensive…trying to prove you are a good soul…a loving caring person…

I mean that is how I used to spend all my time…

Trying to disprove another’s sad discontent about me…and all along believing it….

But if that were true…why does the majority call you a sweetheart…?

Why is it..that the ones we will not bow our heads to…those who wish to slice our heads off with a butter knife…just for added punishment…

Calling you the garbage…?

I love the quote and I put the work into living that…

So that one day..if a campaigner of lets hurt Mandy rolls in…

It will give those who love me and I love…. a moment to go…HUH???????

Yet in the wrinkle I added in….

I wont believe it…

I will live in a way…that makes one take notice…one which I do not spend a second defending how loving I am…

I live in a way…that will cause those living as harm as their way…will take notice…and want it…

But most of all…

When I look in the mirror…

I can say…eye to eye staring me down…

I do not believe it….

And here is another wrinkle…

If I spend my energy…on a lie..a deceit..a loose tongue…I will become it…

Because when you let it past the guards…into the epicenter of your being…you create such a life….

Look in the media…watch a few You Tube videos…

Those who are labeled and take on the label…well become the label….

And it is a hard row…a mission with slim to none chances of survival…on believing lies…

So be the person..being talked about wrongly…by not believing it…

So who do you choose….

Yourself…

OR

Liars…..?

 

Give and withdraw….

•March 16, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I am hesitating…how come…

Perhaps I know that this extended hand will be bitten…

Struggling with doing your duty…and feeding the sickness….

If I pay this..contribute to this…I keep feeding the illness…

So where does my responsibility start and yours begins…?

Or where is my responsibility…in this…?

And what am I to learn….

My favorite quote is by the Buddha….

When the student is ready, the teacher appears”

If I keep feeding the myth..the illusion of grandeur….

Do I ever get past this..or is this me continually moving through the briar patch….hoping this time I wore the right clothing…and found an easier route…

I am doing something…without any clue of how it will financially be accomplished…

Scarier than facing a hungry bear…raging down the hillside at you…

Scarier than anything I have ever faced…even the abusive father…abandonment..being homeless…

And the Universe…God…is standing on close watch…

because I must understand…that the “means”….

Will not appear…show themselves until I stop feeding the myth…and not just the money myth…

Myths..lies..that say…I am inadequate…

As a mother…friend…lover…partner…

Myths..lies that say…I am to be in despair…struggle…

Always paying into another’s illness….and never paying into ME….

And as I scrambled today…briefly…

I spoke this…

As long as I seek to bring funds in to take on the course of another..perpetuate an illness(even my own)…be hospitable…with the desire to be seen as worthy….the heavens will close off…

So today…I do not scramble…

I Pause…

Do not panic…do not mope…do not feed the tick..tick..tick of the bomb waiting to go off…

I do NOW….present…Love me..in profoundness….

And recognize…how profound I am…

As Wayne Dyer states…

I am…(fill in the blank)…I am…

I am breathes it in, pause…say what you are…breathes it out..and hands it to God..Universe…

Take it in…

Giving it back to the Universe…

Makes it like in concrete…solid…

And REAL….

Just like me…doing the thing I fear the most….

And guess what that is…?

Believing that I am something..something special…

What do men REALLY want?

•March 16, 2015 • 4 Comments

Originally posted on Coffee & Conversation :

The New Media

by Kenneth Justice

~ A friend of mine at coffee recently brought up the subject of men and what they REALLY want. If we were to go by advertisements it would seem that men want sex;

—) Do you want to sell a car; put an attractive woman alongside it

—) Do you want to sell beer; put attractive women in the commercial

—) Do you want to sell body spray; tell men hot women will be attracted to them if they wear it

In many ways it is undeniable that there is a large part of the man’s psyche that propels him toward women. Some people believe it is the man’s sex drive that keeps our species in existence.

Ultimately, I suppose what men really want depends largely upon each individual man. Some men are lazy, they just want to sleep, eat and watch tv. Some men are driven…

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The Life….not committed to….

•March 12, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I cannot write…right now…

My mind is so full….my being so saturated….

I cannot utter words that make sense….in any manner….

It is like taking a drink…and suddenly your lips do not work…

And the juice…dribbles down your chin…and you feel like a toddler…just grasping this dance…

Or having spaghetti…and suddenly everything is white….But not for long….

I cannot frame sentences….

Or even explain…this loop which keeps running in my head….

Taking a pit stop in my heart….

And reminding me…of my fragility…

And my strength…

And in the midst of this all…I come to one point…

And lets see if I can get it out….

That which we will not allow…give to ourselves…

We will not give to another…..

Like compassion….grace….support…direction…hope…a moment of our time…

If we refuse it to ourselves….

It is refused for all….

Go ahead…give it a try…

See if you can extend mercy to another….

While you have the noose about your neck….

That is what I needed to know today….

As my hot tea dribbled down my chin….

Recognition….that is the life…I am not committed to…

 

 

 

 

Hidden Costs

•March 7, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Originally posted on QuinnCreative:

Every artist deserves to be paid for work of the heart and hands. No artist should have to hear “I’ll offer you half that because it’s the end of the day,” or “I can get something just like that and a lot cheaper at Wal-Mart.” That’s just insulting.

Artists are sometimes afraid to ask for the full price, so they begin to add small extra charges to their work. This week I had a transaction that got tarnished by those charges when it didn’t need to.

mousetrapI ordered an item on Etsy that said that the writing shown was simply an example and you could have anything you wanted engraved on the piece. Great. I asked for the words I wanted. Oh, well, that would be extra, because it was custom work. I had also mentioned that I did not need the included chain. The price remained the same.

If…

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