For the Moment….

•July 5, 2015 • Leave a Comment

It is 2:30am…here on my side of the planet….

Went to bed at 6pm…shortly after returning from work…

Hoping to study….

But loud chaos….angst and suffering welcomed me when I entered the place I reside…for the moment…

So I escaped…went into my room and forced sleep upon this body…

Which is needed less and less these days…the more and more I sit…with this being…

Fatigue is rare….

And exhilaration is present…my mind free of the gutter it rampaged through too often…

And as you all know..I read…and quite a bit….especially books speaking of the love of mankind…

The referencing of the beauty of we beings…

The last one I put away was…”Taking the Leap” by Pema Chodron. Fascinating….

And of course…since I am the 1st prize winner in these things…I tried to tell myself…

I needed to do a much better job at loving people….

And there is my oops…

That I got down…

Loving myself…well that is a shifting sands of time event..I frequently endure…

Sounded just like a soap opera there for a moment…

And I stop for dramatic pause….

Another thing I discovered lately is that I am quite humorous….and I make people laugh and feel good about being alive…

But back to the book…

Pema speaks of not going into Sherpa whenever a feeling…emotion…ugly or lovely…presents itself….

Just ride the wave…and I think she might have said that…

It is basic paying attention to the fact you have that feeling…and possibly act ugly…scared…and go on a rant…and those are her words…close..

Sherpa involves letting those feelings take over…so you are not present…and when we let those feelings take over we are in sherpa…

Basic understanding of this is this…

Feel the feeling…notice it…pay attention to it…see how you react…spit out words…or roll out words…run…hide…or stand and let the wave hit you…

It is the awareness…and the not escaping that is what this is all about…everything….

Because nothing is being tucked under the rug…

And it is in acknowledgement of feelings we all grow..have life…remain connected…

The scary part is when we shut off to those feelings and find any way possible to not feel them…

And Why you ask…?

Because no one likes to admit they made a judgement about the woman with the tattoo…

Or the person who is a size 42….

Or the ex…

Or the boss…

Or someone of another color…

Or that person who you encounter everyday…who just grinds you mass hate…that one…

You see it is in the awareness that these thoughts…feelings are happening…and why…

FEAR….

And when we face that fear…we realize…

That person…is the same as us…

And compassion enters…yes over time…

And yes you have to put down the bottle(and look at why you keep numbing)…

Put out the cigarette…

Shut off the television…

And feel every skin crawling moment of it…

For me…this book…

Made me see…how much I do this…

Ride through the feelings…

Thus I cannot sleep…much…

And even my way of coping through the abuse…was to leave this body…

The heart was still present…very much so…

That is why…my heart wrings out at 900 degrees…and aches like words I cannot say…

And to survive…the events..I have shut off the emotions…not ridden the wave…operated in fear…believing it will kill me…

What is killing me…and making me fail in this life…and keep walking some ridiculously worn path…is

Avoidance…and thinking…oh it was not that bad…I am imagining it…

And it was that bad…

And it hurts bad…

It will not kill me…

It only opens my heart wider…and compassion…is in bounty….

Because I am just like you…

And compassion falls on self…

And I can have this dictate my life..or…live my life…

So the book…

Was a review….

Worth the time spent in reading….

Yet not much was meant for me…..

Like I pulverized myself over….and poured the vat of guilt over my head….

This book…is meant for those dying….rotting….and thinking they are flying high…

This should be at the top of their TO DO LIST….

ASAP….

Because one minute you are the little girl in the library…

And ten minutes later you wake up and you are 52….

And you cannot worry about what you did with all those years….

You got to hang on to right now…

Because this is as good as it gets….

And those are the most glorious words I have ever heard….

Imagine This….

•July 3, 2015 • Leave a Comment

A girl…..white blond hair….turquoise…crystal eyes…freckles spattered across her cheeks….sitting in a corner of the school library…eyes averted…reading…”A Wrinkle in Time”…world’s best book….

Understanding the search for a father….and not understanding the one she got….

Not scared so much as to the monster she called parent….or returning after the school day…or what was she going to do all Summer to stay hidden….

But the belief…the inkling of thought…that some fathers…were kind….and not so much…like the one she knew…

And that is the lesson for this being…the last couple of months…

To understand…to grasp…on a divine level…that many of the beings roaming this planet were far from the ones…blocking her view…and demanding she look at their ugly…..

There were those walking amongst us…just like she…who refused to be…unkind…

How can a child love still…a parent who takes bites out of them….

Is the other option hate…?

And then I am just like…you…? him…?

Instead of me feeding the panic mill of hate…and blame and hate…cause that is a viable option…I guess…

And then spending my life hating…self abuse….

And seeing the divine…the universe…care…for all those I punched…

Yet watching my body….implode with all the disease I brought upon self…

Which do I choose….?

The poverty of soul….

Or…

The poverty of acceptance…

I stumble back to the corner…in the library….and I sit with myself….

Not placing her in my lap…but sitting next to….arms slightly touching….on this discovery of bad touch…to good touch…

Till relaxation eases in and sleep finds us both….

I awaken…she is gone for the moment….

I ease up onto the broken elbow….stretch my back…and smile….

And wonder if anyone notices the sleeping girl in the corner…..

Teacher….

•July 2, 2015 • Leave a Comment

The greatest teacher I ever met….

Told me the simplest statement….which made the most sense….

Unlocked the dungeons…

Here is the back story….

I have spent a lifetime of making everyone else comfortable with what happened to me….

Never for a second have I ever made sure I was comfortable….or did anything to give myself a sense of safety….

Until that moment….

I was explaining..(and please do not do this…it is a waste of your time…)

The reason why I needed to have the doors and windows locked….

We all know this comes from boundary violations….

It is a way…a method I feel secure in my space…my skin….and this skin does belong to me…

After fruitless moments…I stepped away…

And later…a few weeks later I explained to my teacher this action…

A smile spread across their face…

And I was puzzled….

Because I thought something was wrong with me….and I needed fixing….

Nope…I had it wrong…backwards and upside down….

The words spoken were this….

“Mandy….you do not need to explain to anyone why you do this or that…why you need order…or what you need to feel secure….

This is about no one else but you….

Not the child…the neighbor…the friend…the co-worker….nobody…

Just me…

I needed to do whatever I needed to do…to feel….

Safe…

Secure…

Calm…

Peaceful…

Joyous….

This is not about anyone understanding you….getting you…thinking they got you figured out…

You get you…

You cannot peel off this skin and make a new one…to crawl into…

You must do what ever makes you feel well happy and safe….

Great thoughts in such a simple sentence…

This aint about Bob…or Harry…or Tina or Sue….

This is about you…

And what will you do…

To be…me…

OWWWWW…..

•July 1, 2015 • Leave a Comment

My head hurts…bad….

It travels down my spine….and kicks into my pelvis….

Like I was ran into from behind….

Turn my head in any angle and I swear….

I could knock down a building like Godzilla with the flame of pain swooping through my eyes….

I pull my hair back…brush it off my face….and it feels like I had the face lift ponytail….way too tight and now tenderness fills my scalp….

And this all…is…

A Good thing….

How you say….

It places me at a crossroads….

Either implode….and curse myself….

Or allow this raging ravine to make an exit…..

And know…I can not escape from reality….

Ah reality….the bitter taste left in the mouth…after…drinking sour milk….

And as a added bonus…the cycle has made its appearance….

And at 52…a groan can be heard amongst the crowd….

But again…this is a good thing….

And let me explain…

The pain in my head….can be thought…induced by the pressure systems…parading about this part of the country….

One minute you are upright….smiling and the next…you are vomiting in your shoes…and wishing to high heaven…someone would knock you out….

Wishing you could wrap yourself in a heating bad the size of a blanket…while someone dunked you in a ice bath…to cool the heat…that has no reasoning…

And the pain in the head…in the spine…in my fingers…twitch in my eye…can be related to the pressure system…

Because it is this way…I know…I got issues…

And casting me aside…no matter how good I am at it…will not work….

Because I keep dragging my foot…bruising my hip…breaking my elbow…and I am facing the loss of me…

I realize…and trust me I have tried…spent a lifetime of minimizing my history…

Making it a pretty picture…

Look at the face…the blue eyes and blond hair…the athletic frame…the age that does not show on me…

Distractions….

A childhood of horrors….

And why do I make it better….

Because if you can handle it and still find me pretty…then I am okay…

But really I suck….

Because no one told me to act this way…except those who go about abusing…

Like my father….my previous husband..and a few others….but at this moment I wont say…because I do not think I can handle the thought…of me saying this moment…I do not love them presently…

It is in there…but first I have to oh God heal me…

Take this fine being…and let her live…

because this pain in my head…spine…

Is telling me one thing….

I really have let myself be treated poorly….(see the minimizing)….

I have accepted so much bullshit…so many justifications…

How many of us…speak a moment of our hearts…and then be told we are doing something wrong?

Hush up and make whoever happy….

Being silenced by another so they do not have to look at their shame…is like frosting a cake….easiest thing to do…you just never have enough frosting….and the cake is lopsided….

How many times do you speak…tell of your desire….a color you want to wrap about you…and then after being beaten up…go and do something to make the person like you….?

You know I got my hand raised…

And that is why I will sit with this pain…

And have a cycle at 52…without frowning….

And know…that I am lost….and scared…

And this will not go away…

Until I turn every stone over and look at all of this…and not make it pretty….

And not make this into a parade float…

And I have no clue what to do…or how to proceed after writing this post…

Yet I know one thing…and one thing only…

I changed this…I shifted…

I see now…

That this pain…imbalance…weariness in my bones….

Is not by my hand….

It is by another’s……

And not my job to clean up….

My only job…if you call it that….

Is to acknowledge…

even in deep fear…uncertainty…and visions of homelessness…

And no matter how this ends…

I know…my body knows…

And being well…Mandy is…the best flavor of any month….

Resillent…..

•June 29, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Ready to bounce back….always…

Takes a punch well….

Keeps plugging away….

Getting nowhere…sort of fast….

Isn’t this the way we describe people to be….who we pummel….?

Who we tell day after day…after they are dragged through the streets weeping….

Hey…buck up….

I know I have heard it enough….

And I am not talking about the people who drink themselves into a coma…because momma was strict when you was growing up…

Or the addict…to whatever …..who wanders the streets…trying to shut off the pictures from their latest escapade….which is of course everyone else’s fault….

I am speaking to the people out there…who take bullets everyday….and have gaping oozing wounds…that never heal….

Those that we tell…

Be aware…

Forgive….

Meditate on that happy place….

While you kiss my ass….

While I make the wound sharper and crisper….

Because we all know…

You are resilient….bounce back well…..

Right…..

Get over it…

Move on…

Let it go….

You ever notice each of those things are said from people who have money…

Can move on…get away…

Ever notice…the person who cares for everyone else….and thinks a hello is a dream…

Because they can barely acknowledge their existence….so why would anyone else….

So they spend a lifetime….

Being the resilient fool….

And when they go away…we do not care….

Because we do not care….

And we never pause long enough….

As Pema Chodron speaks of….

To ask ourselves….why am I in this rabbit hole….

Why am I looking at another as expendable….and making them expendable…

And after years of reading….

And at first they were self help books….

Now they are reality…love books….truth….in black and white…my favorite colors….

These books are not written for the likes of me…

Or fellow companions on this road…of balancing….

No they were written for those….

Abandoners….selfish…pin headed….users…

Who seek to make the wounds deeper….

Why do I got there….?

Because I am not resilient anymore….

We aint cavemen people…

•June 11, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I am trying hard not to smirk….and look in the mirror and say…I told you so….

Because I did…but I did not want to listen….

At least not listen until I could hear…and well get past the point of queasy stomach and wobbly legs…

It had to be when I could stand still despite the raging storm about me while wearing 6 inch stiletto heels…

And I am there…

I have discovered that one will push you aside fast..if your light shows them living in well hate….

I have discovered…that people will deny the basic essence of self….to save face…

To save themselves from looking like they need…want…desire….

I have discovered that one will be angered with you…for not participating in a fable…when they have not told you the story line….

I have discovered…that I am at my strongest…right when I drop to the floor….

Because as they say…I gave up the ghost….

Right when I extend grace to myself…because then I extend it to others….

Yet when I extend it to me…and say…right now..right this moment…I cannot handle anything…

Life becomes the symphony…

As I pay attention…

When I cannot vocalize my life to another…and discard self…I am failing…and I am miserable….

And in that breath…I say…no one cares…I am worthless…I need nothing…I got this…

And when I give attendance to another..because they tell me…those who stay in line..are your buddies…as long as you stay in line….

And those who dance out of the lines..with dynamic color…are the enemy….because they have stepped out of the box….

Are a sad…sad…person…

And I aint got time for that….

I do not want to hear how you do not need my hand….and sit in your shit….

I want to hear how many ways you do need my hand….

Because sweetie….I need your hand..just as much…maybe more.

Broken Elbow….

•June 2, 2015 • 2 Comments

I am struggling….

And so are many others….

My suffering is needless…..

I can say that about some…..but not about most….

It is not until I step out of how the world is against me mentality…

To I create this suffering….

And I am the only one who can fix it….

But I must address myself first….care for this being within this frame…in a loving manner….

Rather than push her aside…and say…others have it so much worse…

Which is a true statement….yet has as much usefulness as…

Seeing one suffer…and then cry the little cry…and do nothing….

I do the same for self….

If I avoid taking a look at this being…

I will never do what is needed for this being…

And then it steam rolls…and I can see nothing….

And I fall asleep watching a program about real life suffering happening in my back yard….

And then one ends up with a broken elbow…

Exhausted and not able to do her work…because she is doing another’s work….(and we all get that)…it is the great feat of fixing another while we bleed out….doing their work…fixing there stuff….

Back up….turn off the ignition….

You will only get your smile back….when you let go of the reins…

Being scattered that she cannot remember one thing from the next…let alone…an assignment and how to complete it…

So a broken elbow…running a temp….focus going awry….

Made me determined….

To help….I got to help me….

And honestly….ignore the fat guy dancing behind the curtain…..he’s more confused than any of us….

 
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