•February 21, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Dear God…

Not meant as an introduction to a letter…

BUT..Dear God, how did she get here…this place of a punching bag..

This hole she is sitting in..

This pain that she wraps about her like a the warmest sweater…coiled about her shoulders..

How did she ever get to this place, thinking this was how she was to live..

How did this happen..dear god..

She is almost dead…

She cannot formulate words for this.

She cannot even speak about what she wants to eat..or why she barely eats..

She just does…

She just does???

I listen again to your sad story..

And do not listen to mine..

Tell myself to plunder forward.

Pay it no mind.

Explain that to me.

I dont know how to speak.

I dont know how to anything..

Sit, stand, walk, run..

Timing is everything.

Some vapor made to be washed away with a chemical.

I have been reduced to a spill requiring paper towels and scents of flowers that cover up the stench.

I cannot be around people. I cannot be separated from people.

I close off the great chasm of pleading with self to find the path.

I choose something I do not believe in.

But you do.

How is that me?

I know one thing and one thing only.

Love.

That will never be taken from me.

And it is why I awoke this morning..

Made the tea..

And told this book, this story goodbye..

It knows what it is doing.

It knows what I am..

And I sit here staring at the big book, screaming white pages, clock ticking in the background, and I do not even know what to be scared about.

What do you want me to say?

Yeah I thought so.

Throw the colored pens down.

Now I walk away.

I pray no one finds me.

Dont find me.

because I do not want to remember..no dont..want to remember what I overcame to be…

THIS.

Dodged a bullet

•February 13, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I am upside down, turned all around, circling the room, watching the floor disappear beneath my feet.

Linoleum tiles are replaced with carpet in a wave rolling towards you in the great ocean of water.

Bricks come flying, stacking up like a Lego block pattern. Zooming overhead and a wall appears.

Turn, duck, squat…?

Too many feelings happening.

Should I stay..?

Should I believe the words printed upon the page.

Should I pay attention to the reality being played out in front of me…?

Or do I look behind the looking glass…?

Is that a man behind the curtain..?

Why is he here…?

I did not invite him…I did not invite anyone.

The floor is moving again…and my stomach with it.

Love…damn Tuesday is Valentines Day…nothing to do with love…so I will write anyway..

Love has been defined to me as a reality that perpetuates angst, competition and abuse.

Abuse…an over used word, yet most accurate.

Why do we associate love with the room moving upside down and your stomach coming out your mouth…?

Do we want to believe what all the songs are about…

Because each and every one is about the only way I know you love me is by the causation of pain.

Not the quiet, gentle touch of a breeze on a spring day…for the love of peanut butter…not that.

Love must bombard us…we believe…

And in this present time…that bombardment has great validity…

We have so dirtied ourselves and polluted the streams of love..that we grasp for love in this agonizing torment of beatings and suffering…

This was stated to me recently…as a reference to love…

It was said to me, by a person who wants me to believe that 1. They are ecstatically happy with their life. And 2. Wants me to believe they love me…get ready this statement is not for the squeamish.

It was stated…” I love having 2 or 3 ( _enis in my mouth and 1 or 2 in my bottom) now would you please come “be” with me and let me love you. And on a side note everybody hates you and you are a heart breaker”.

Thank you for all of you who hung on for that last sentence…it does get better.

We have come to believe in our world that LOVE contains great violence. And the more powerful the sensation the greater the LOVE….HUH?

If one is so happy in living a life such as I described above…why are they trying, spending any time attempting to convince anyone to join them and they are so blissfully happy…?

Why are the not going and living out their fetish of abuse…?

Yeah well here is the kicker…

The more miserable the person is…the more one attempts to prove happiness of those demoralizing actions…and as a bonus, they attempt to take as many good souls with them as they can…PERK..

Because if they can get one good soul to play along…they can scream to the world of their greatness.

And many good souls go down that path and do not return.

Good souls are hard to find…many are in hiding…

Also, there is no love from another, that speaks such violence against themselves and others and then want you to play with them…

Honey they do not love you…

They have passed way beyond hate…we are now in indifference which basically brings a life to no value, so if it lives or dies, no issue. if it suffers, no issue. Love is not there.

So when you do these horrid things to yourself, self promote…you are taking the life of others, reducing life to taking a pee…it is flush-able down the toilet.

Now this is what LOVE has been reduced to…

Yet what it really is…

I wonder if you are brave enough to find out…?

I wonder…

Love does not joke with you when you spill your heart out…

Love does not ask you at any time to do an immoral act…

Love does not step past the first thought of no..

Love does not switch teams as the mood arises…

Love does not demand that I accept your addiction…

Love does not say forgiveness is yours…go ahead and do it again…and I will forgive you again…

Love holds you to your word…that is why it is written in many doctrines…let your yes be a yes and your no be a no..

Pause before you answer…think..

Love does not call one a whore in one breath and then demand a hug in the next…

Love is not patient..at least not in the definition we have given patience..
Love says..”I told you so”. and why not…?

Love is a sword that cuts deep and cleanly…

No floating hearts and paper flowers or chocolate…these things are made to excite the senses…cause appreciation…remembrance since we have forgotten..

So as the room moves sideways…and the floor is lurching underneath me..and the lights are flickering…and I have one hell of a headache…

I am searching for it…

I know it is not hiding…it is within plain sight…

But first I have to get past the flashing lights…the mob of people..the constant text noise and the gibberish being spewed at me…

No I have not found love yet to me…

I have been love…yet I have slightly received it..in a few people…and have not received it…

My mother…whom I love..loves me..

My sons whom I love..do not love me..

My friend..known me a long time…loves me..do not even have to say it…

You do not love…when you wound…and stop spewing that you have no idea what you are doing…that is the same as Forgive and Forget…impossible…if we had such ability we would forget where we placed our car keys…we would forget our children’s names…we would forget that we even had children…so come on..

WE do not love when we ignore…

And most of the songs written play on our hearts grieving and dying to be simply liked…

We cannot say…how much I hate you and cannot forgive you for lying to me that you love me and you cut my heart out with a spoon…and expect me to smile and tell you everything is okay…

Common lyrics are such…”I either dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life”.

OR..

“I am so tired of this same old love, my body has had enough”

UM….that is lust..sex..perverted…

Love is kind…does not torture.

Love is patient…love persists…yet does not wait for one to get their act together…notice the word “act”.

Love is not jealous…does not imply or insist one proves love or “is for you” by your sick standards..

Love does not boast or is arrogant…does not act like you are so fortunate to have them…like you just won the lottery on a man or woman..

Love does not act unbecomingly…love does not bring shame upon itself or anyone else..

Love does not seek it’s own…love does not hoard and keep from others what they need…it does not let people go hungry by valuing them in a social class…nor does love allow others to go without shelter…because we think some are deserving and some are not….

Love is not provoked…it does not incite…bring about anger, malice…and oh how we love to do that to each other…so we can point the finger and say…”see..see”.

Love does not take into an account a wrong suffered….it does not make a list of all the ways you have messed up and at the most opportune time for them, shares the list…

Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness…yeah, shut up I don’t want to hear about how you take two up the (you know what)…

Love rejoices with truth…yep…now see if you can find something filled with truth about yourself or another…and no this is not the reasoning to go and smear someone because you believe a lie about them..because you refuse to listen to what they say…keep getting your panties in a wad…

Love bears all things…and that does not mean you sit there and take blows because you are supposed to bear all things…

If you think that go and read the histories and words of many of our saints who practiced love in every moment…see how they thought…Ghandi, Mother Theresa…many more…these people were not doormats, nor do they ask you to be one.

Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Simply…Love knows the veil of illusion through distraction keeps us away from love and reality…because sunshine, what you see right now is far from real…a very good illusion…

Loves hopes you will wake up…please wake up…

Love paces the floor at night…hoping you will put the drink down, put the drug down, put the cigarette down, stop looking at porn and thinking pain must happen during sex, and open that one door that scares you…

Love never fails…

It can never go away…

It can be lost, but that is us lost…

It can be confused…and spoken in lies…

It can be dirtied, but then like the truth..it always comes out…like it or not…

Love…

Not bottled, named, distilled or forgotten…

So..what is love.

 

 

 

What is really behind that mask – the one that charmed us, or the one that we fell for OR fell in love with?  

•February 13, 2017 • Leave a Comment

After Narcissistic Abuse

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/

A little more education with some of the MANY “proto-types” or descriptions of various avenues the Narcissist uses to control and gain power over us and essentially abuse us:

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, they bluff or threaten us when questioned. Their memory is self-serving as they deny past statements and even re-write history. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.

 

2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the direct opposite. Marriage, legal, custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol is meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker always dodging personal accountability for ANYTHING. Enjoys orchestrating legal action, threatening to call the police ALWAYS…

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‘Snowflake’ is a term used to gaslight those who dare speak out against the new authoritarianism.

•February 12, 2017 • 2 Comments

Lucky Otters Haven

callmesnowflake

‘Snowflake’ (sometimes ‘special snowflake’) is a slang term used in recent years, usually directed against “entitled” Millennials who complain about the America they inherited — one full of debt, minimum wage jobs,  exhorbitant student loans they can never hope to pay back, and few opportunities.

The term “snowflake” has its roots back in the 1990s and early 2000s when Millennials were still schoolchildren.   In those days, it was fashionable for teachers to recognize that “every child was special” and give awards and prizes just for participating, etc.  so that no one would feel left out.    A real snowflake is a common and unremarkable thing, as common as dust.  But since, purportedly, no two snowflakes are alike, every snowflake is special.

Over time, “snowflake” became a pejorative term, intended to shame a person for allegedly wanting “special” (or in most cases, maybe just “fair” or “just”) treatment.

Since Trump’s…

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You know who you are..

•February 9, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I write this post from a different view. Not mincing words or protecting myself from some outpost of safety.

I call this post a call out…

No respect is given…

No awards or accolades will be plastered on your walls…even when you laugh at me and say my words are full of anger and malice…

And on that one point…you will be correct.

What type of person, takes someone’s wounds, someone’s vulnerabilities and uses it against them…

How brave is it…or perhaps I should say cowardly is it of you…to speak of me when I am not present…and the information being presented is only used to present me in a damaged, crazy light…

Is that really courageous or even human…?

Not in the least.

Yet you think it is original.

You think it gets you something..

And when I seek you out for an answer because you will not stop knocking on my door…you give me no answer.

Yet I am to think..what…? You care…

Or perhaps your motive is to get me to swallow myself in shame…because I was wounded, am wounded..yet do not allow me to use those wounds to further wound.

Perhaps that is the envy that keeps pounding on my door…

You wish to make me feel insignificant…

Why..if I am so small and meaningless do you persist in your attempts to make me feel small…

Is not the many blows against beings enough to satisfy your blood thirsty negligence…

Is it me you wish to silence or yourself..

Speaking lies about another is easy to do..one of the easiest courts to walk into…

What is the task ahead of one is to remain silent..to speak truth..

No that would require..a brain..

How easy is it for one to gossip..malign..color to fit your image of your god..

So easy as spreading your legs and sharing valuable treasures to any who will take it…so you will get a like on Facebook…

Spreading your legs, sticking the line in..kicking out babies to bind another..is the oldest trick in the book…

And the most deadly…

And you who I am talking to…knows who you are…

So I suppose I am calling you out…

Talk to my children..and hear their woes of this shameful woman..the one they no longer call mother…

Do you think you can control another as you have allowed yourself to be controlled…

Have you ever thought of closing those legs young lady…and holding yourself as precious…

Nah…

Have you ever thought of finding your purpose here rather than having Mommie fund your life and all it’s indiscretions…

Nah…

Have any of you thought of how shallow and empty you all are…

How cowardly to speak of another when they are not present.

How cowardly and selfish of you to attempt to use another’s wounds as a vessel to your implied greatness.

How pointless are your lives…

But this you know.

Playing in the sandbox eating cat turds…anyone can do..

Threatening me with you will not like me and you will turn my children against me…how vain..

They feat is already accomplished. You are just running on the heels of the daddy.

Perhaps you will understand, when your children turn to you and tell you how much they hate you…for being so cold…

I saw your face young lady..

I saw the child straggling behind you with his head bowed, while you looked on with contempt…implying he was such a useless waste of time…

It was confirmation for me.

And there it lay..

And instead of hating you…

I sent love and light…

And took all those who surrounded me and placed them at the feet of the child..you abuse.

Tell me young woman, young man…

Why do you think I would want anything to do with anyone, who would play with the likes of you…?

 

 

 

That which,

•January 30, 2017 • Leave a Comment

That which haunts me endlessly, is my greatest strength.

That which beats mercilessly at this chest, is my greatest hope.

That which makes me weep and tear these cloths to shreds.

Is that which I piece together time and time again.

The shreds, my fears, my love, the depth of my wishes.

As I place them together again.

The image is me, that is what I see now, me.

Not your view of me.

My memory of me.

Terrified to the depth, that perhaps the words of my father ring true.

I am a hole.

Broken thing that needs beating.

A broken chime. One tune cranking upon the other.

Perhaps I am what my children depict me as.

Replaceable, useless hag.

Their minds twisted by one who deems my wounds as significant as a hangnail.

And perhaps their father, my once husband is right.

Yet for now, I will use my voice again.

Kneel on the floor and pick up the splinters of my heart.

Old dishes cast aside for one more agreeable.

And I will rise again, this woman.

There is more than your words that you use to describe me.

There is this girl.

This child.

This young lady.

This older woman passing middle age.

Who believes, even if you do not.

That she is so much more than a hole.

A punching bag.

Something you can put in a box, placed on a shelf, replaceable, a lost cause.

You cannot define me.

With a name meaning worthy of love.

I apologize, I take the name my mother offered upon me while I rested inside her.

Madeline, not worthy of love, Love itself.

And for that I will love life itself.

Oh mom, I miss you.

You only, no one else.

I will forever seek you, in every moment.

In each sunset and sunrise.

Even in my children’s eyes, which I never see.

Because I have been made disposable.

May I seek, in every moment, to be more and more like you.

May I find the honor in carrying my own breathe.

Speaking in my voice.

May I find myself worthy to love myself.

To cherish myself.

Oh mother, oh woman.

I feel you by my side.

Right next to me.

I remember.

I will never forget.

The honor, the awe, of being a woman.

This woman.

Not a hole.

Not a punching bag.

Not disposable.

This source, this life.

Like the snow falling and bouncing like feathers.

One upon each other.

I am close now mom, Charlotte.

I remember what you taught me, without saying a word.

I hear no other voices.

I feel no other touch.

How could I ever replace.

How could I even attempt to walk away.

From my only true love.

Oh mom, Charlotte.

I miss you.

Yes, I remembered your name.

And I remembered mine too.

Love Defined (from my perspective)

•January 21, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Love…?

What is Love…

Fairy tales, sparkles and unicorns…?

Generosity..kindness..humility..?

Patient..understanding..forgiving..?

Those words water down LOVE for me…

Makes it easy to say…one minute…I love You…and a minute later when the sparkles have worn off…I don’t Love you..

Love is the most powerful force on Earth…

Just because we have diluted it down to a disposable butt wipe…doesn’t mean it changes or is lost of it’s power…it’s strength..it’s courage…

We have made Love synonymous with…I love this food…I love my car…I Love…whatever…

And then when it does not operate or perform in the manner expected….well we do not love it anymore…

Is love respect…?

And what does love have to do with respect…I can still love someone and have little or no respect for them…

Is love all about being kind…?

So as long as I soothe your ego..and feed you juicy rationalizations then I love you…?

Love is one of the most loudest..screaming…barging through the door…truths…you will ever encounter…

It does not try and make you comfortable…love makes you wiggle in the chair..

Love speaks to pain..and anguish…love does not let you walk into a hailstorm of gunfire…because it will be for your own good…and love does not mind it’s own business…

And what does that mean anyway…

Love says…what are you doing…?…what did you just say…?

Love does not point the finger and make another accountable for your choice…

Love loads it onto their shoulder…

Love is not an emotion…

It is an action…

Not an adjective…a descriptive form of words that twinkles the toes…

Love cannot and will not be contained within some box you shove it into and pull out the love card when it is convenient to use it…

The opposite of love is not hate….

The opposite of love is indifference…

Indifference cares little if you live or die…

Hate wants to watch you die..

Love is all about living and dying…

I will use me as an example…

My ex-husband…has hate for me…

Why?

Because I will not cooperate…hate is not that complicated…(neither is love)

He married me because I filled a slot…I met the criteria..I provided him with certain things…I made him look good…others would accept his crap..

He expected that during the marriage and especially in the divorce that I would cooperate…

If I would allow him to lie to my sons..use my history against me…

I would at some point…desperate for my children to approve of me…

Return, in full remorse..apologizing for my horrible behavior..and so humbly accept his love…agreeing that I was dirty..because I come from abuse…

And how do you get to a mother fast…and like a dagger into the heart..?

Mess with her children…simply imply things…and she is a weeping..apologetic mess at your feet…

Except to those who see themselves as more than a mother…and here for more than just wiping their asses…

So it did not work…

So hate is turned on full steam…

And because he cannot be alone..he had to have someone who played like he did..like his whole family does..including a few of my sons…

And he got her…

So does he think..I will one day..return..apologizing for being me…?

Yes..

But what is that quote…”it will be a cold day in hell”..

I know me…I know love…and hate..well makes you stupid…

I cannot hate..by choice…

And I will not operate in indifference…that will be the death of this soul..and the karma that will rain down on this being…is not what I can bear…

So love says the things you do not want to hear…

Love rattles you to the bones…

Love cannot be shut down..even when we ignore it..

Love cannot be reduced to a cute puppy or written like we all have it…oh my..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love is that which we are…

So..what is LOVE…?