The first and foremost goal of abuse is silence.
Silence of the victim. And when the victim does speak, all are encouraged to beat her/him silly with the threat device.
And some succeed. Note I said some.
But before we go down that road, lets explore how the voice goes silent and is hard to resurrect.
Abuse is like the bacteria that is in our food without our knowledge; with just the right conditions becomes poison.
Same for abuse.
Grooming, shame, fear, authority, position prepare the tray of self loathing one will eventually carry.
Abuse is not simply a voice who causes confusion or a psychological term used now…cognitive dissonance…
It is within our cell structure. It resides in our muscles, our nerves, our breathe, our bones, our hair…every aspect of our physical humanity.
And positive thinking, chanting, do not work. Because they do not deal with the core issues and where they are lodged. It is not my stupid thinking. It is how did I get stupid thinking.
Many, many authors, scientists, psychotherapists have supported it with research and fact. One of the best and most knowledgeable authors is Alice Miller.
If someone would ask me who my favorite author is…I would say Alice Miller. She doesn’t mince words(my personal favorite because I do not either), she debunks thought patterns and philosophies with hard, concrete evidence. And best of all she loves you through it. Because she tells you the truth. She does not tell stories or myths. She speaks from the heart. And that is a rarity these days. Rarity.
And her books go back a number of years. And she stepped into a forum very few will enter. But I am.
Victims, and I use that term in so much love, are fighting a battle without any weapons.
Weapons are knowledge, direction and are better than any quip someone passes your way.
Abuse settles into our body and makes a home. Like termites. It eats away and erodes normal behavior patterns. It replaces normal tissue with confused tissue.
I heard it said…you lean a certain way…
Your eyes flutter open to a way words are said…
You know this, but do not know that…
Cannot explain behavior…
Do not know why you are defending the abuser….
Why you are not attracted to the mathematician reading a book…but go after the drunk insulting you…
Why you just grabbed your kid…
Why you want to cheat on your partner…
Why are you so up and down…
So until one recognizes that abuse is like a plant, placed in a garden within your body and is growing at accelerated rates, with no issues…except your destruction…you are well screwed.
See I was abused as a child. And people say…”why do you say that”?
Well first of all, I did not do anything, so why can I not talk about it?
Secondly, I wanted to know why I leaned that way….
Married an abuser, and dated an abuser…and yes I was miserable each and every time…but I found leaving, using my voice the most difficult thing to do.
Because I had been told, this is what I deserved….
The punches and all did not place it into my body…it was all the other actions done to me, that caused the belief to grow…that caused me to accept this as normal behavior.
It was the compounding of beliefs, used for control that watered it.
because no one is allowed to contradict things like…the Bible….
What would that mean…I am going to hell….?
What would that mean…God is unhappy with me….?
What would all of my thoughts mean?
Oh yes I had been lied to, controlled and attempted to be annihilated just because I could be the voice that spoke up about abuse and said….”it aint me, this is not my fault, and it aint happening anymore”.
People get real scared when they see you getting your voice back….real scared.
People will even sell their children down the line to keep it silent.
In the last month, I have seen some people come unglued…I mean unglued…just because I said “no”.
I have seen people try to smear me….my personal favorite, try to pilfer information from my children… good luck with that…
Try to play the “oh you so sweet” card and when I called them on it…well I became Satan incarnate…
My life has been threatened, I have been told” I do not like you”, good now I got you thinking…
I have gotten the silent treatment,have had attempted rape towards me and I have watched a bunch of misfits protect a man who raped his daughter, care for him when his gut exploded from bacteria pumped in from anal sex, watched the daughter hit her children, and my personal favorite…fix up his house in an attempt to get me back…
I say all of this to let you know…
You better fight for your life…..
You better see how you this has been planted in you.
How you have been led to believe, you deserve this…and have been led to believe everyone is like that.
It is all a lie.
And that is simple…
But the truth.
Speak the truth sometime…on any subject matter…and see who is still there when you share your thoughts…
That be your tribe.
So pause…if any of this resonates with you…
And think how your body feels right now…
Have a headache? Stomach hurt? Want to go and shower? Want to go and scream at someone? Back hurt? Are you antsy? Want to cry?
These are not natural behaviors….our bodies do not just get sick, or in angst.
It has been planted there, fertilized and tended. And it has been allowed to happen by abusers who take precious beliefs and use them to beat you with.
You are meant for much more than being someones servant…and service is something different.
You are meant for much more than being the cause of every difficulty that ever comes about.
You are meant for great respect and grace. Yet it is the hardest thing to ask for when we are beaten if we do not obey, drop our values, believe we are frigid because we do not want to do perversion.
Smiles come about when the voice comes back. Because when the voice comes back, so do we.
And we have to look at this…
We are facing this in epidemic proportions…
Your life, my love, is way too valuable to be smashed under someones boot.
Start…and figure out…why your stomach hurts….