Tragedy..Confusion and Pain…

•January 20, 2016 • Leave a Comment

The pain of living the hidden life….FAILURE…

Not falling down and screwing something up…

Not something you can mop up…

Not something you can spread air freshener on and hope the smell dissipates…

But true failure….

Failure for compiling a lie to cover a lie..to cover the drink..to cover the indiscretion…to cover the blow..the punch..the “I did it because I really love you”…

I am wondering..if people actually love anymore…

Do we have any idea the real intended…meaning of love…

It in all honesty is starting to fade away for me…

Like some great event..like WWI…like did it ever happen?

Knowing full well it did happen..the lives won..the lives lost..

I wonder if we can comprehend..the cost of our actions…

Do we understand great quotes such as…

“The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil…but by those who see evil and do nothing about it”

Albert Einstien

Do we not understand…that we cannot flirt with deviancy and perversion…and then throw our clothes in the machine using stain spotter….and imagine they come clean…

It is us..who are stained..

And yet we ask others to be blemished for us…when they fight the tidal wave of horrors..we dump into their hearts..minds..beings…

How have we become so putrid…

That we betray a soul..over a boy or girl liking us…or a cell phone..or a pair of shoes…

Or am I thin enough…jacked up enough…do you believe my lies…

We wonder why are there so many wounded…?

Why do we enjoy shows like the Walking Dead….

Because we are the walking dead….

Why do we worship the movie star..or the girl who uses her sex to play her daddy…

These we give props to…

But we yell and condemn..the person on the corner..trying to gather..the last shred of hope within them..that tonight..please oh please..will be there last..

To ask others to endure our filthy views of them…

To speak filthy..to lie about another to suit our story of repetitive hate..we live by…like a code…of dishonor…

My heart tires by repeating the same thing…

And others tell me to run for the hills….

But reality now shows me…there is no safe space….

I must learn to endure..the burning of my soul…

So you…can have your I Phone to snuggle with..while everyone burns around you…

And you use them as a heat source….

 

•December 22, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Being thankful for having another in your life..by your side…

Is way different than just having someone in your life…

Who has nowhere else to go…

And in all honesty…

You would prefer they were not around you…

Be thankful…

That you have the discretion…the heart movement..

To have good souls in your life…

Rather than a warm body…

And you can be at peace..

To stand alone…

Rather than fill the room…

With…vampires…

Who will hide your view…

To see the true soul…

Who only asks that you smile…

Is mental illness….?

•December 18, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Is mental illness a spiritual sickness…?

Is mental illness a cause and effect…sort of like reap what you sow…?

Is chemical imbalances due to the foods..or should I say manufactured food…we ingest..?

How about the things we look at…?

How about the things we read…?

How about the things we talk about…?

How about the chemicals we use in everyday living…?

Are these creating an imbalance..an altering of each of us…?

Are we having our minds twisted…because our hearts..our beings..the soul is being twisted…?

I am not sitting on the fence about this…

I say yes….

I say mental illness is a spiritual necrosis…

A dying of who we are..essence..divine…

A polluting by our hands and by another hand….

The fight to keep returning to self…

Can it ever be achieved through self medicating…drugs, alcohol, sex…?

Can it be achieved through a doctor who tries to make the voices go away…

Maybe we should hear the voices…

And ask…why are they there..?

Who gave you space inside of me…?

Who allowed you to fill me with sadness…

Pain…

Anger…

Who…?

Me…

Maybe it is time to ride though the voices…to see what we have become… rather than to give an excuse for our behavior…

Perhaps we need to remove the veil…

And to state clearly…

I am the one responsible for letting you rent space in my mind…my being…

I am the one who signed the contract…

So this illness….

Is all my fault…

Flaws….NAH!!!!!!!!!!!

•December 14, 2015 • Leave a Comment

We are all described as having flaws….

But….

Are we not perfect beings?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my take on it…

I have no flaws…

I have weaknesses…

Which I choose not to exploit….

Mandy Carroll

Extreme Sensitivity to Truth

•November 27, 2015 • 1 Comment

To first have a sensitivity to truth…you got to know the truth….

In a world clouding our view of the truth..we whimper along….

Truth in 100% of the cases cuts like a sword..just recently forged in the fire…still glowing with heat…it can burn from 100 yards away…

So why do we avoid the truth…spend millions of dollars to create the illusion of truth..?

Is it because the truth is so ugly…?

Or because the truth will set you free?

And do we want to be free…

Now that is the question…

And honestly…who really wants to be free..?

Is it not so much more dramatic and pitying to have a story line of pain and anguish(created by our own hands) to cling to…than how the situation actually went down…?

If honest…we will admit…but then how many can be honest…?

How many cling to its someone else’s fault…

And yes, others can do and will do things to you…especially as children…

But when you are out…and well home free…why still cling to dear life to lies…?

Is it the reasoning to drink…

Is it the reason to smoke…

Is it the reason to eat..

Is it the reason to sex like a fool…

I guess it is…

Truth will cut like a sword…

It detaches us…

from the nonsense…

It shaves the hair off the chin…so close…you cannot see the the swipe of the blade….

Truth does not wound..nor create illusions…

Truth illuminates…

It is profound in its ability…

The question is this…

Are we capable of seeing it…?

 

The other part….

•November 19, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I want to give in to the urge to scoff and hate….

Sometimes it seems an easier route….

I want to give in to the surge of adrenaline that courses through my veins when I think of all the pain caused…

I admit it…

Yet I cannot give into the hate that swarms about the hearts and minds…of some…

Who so poison their beings…in hopes we will poison ourselves

Take the drink they drink..

Take the pill that keeps them upright…

Spend every moment…in protective measures…

Fear and panic disguised as positive action…

But I got a world to love…

A hope to pursue….

A life indeed worth living….

And as always..it begins with me…

 

 

Vomit before…not during…

•September 29, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Never been one to be seasick….

The rocking of the boat never disarmed me….

It did the opposite…

It made me learn to balance better…

Be more fluid….

Not removing or slightly pinching boundaries…

Just seeing more views than the one seen from my periscope…

But I am a bit queasy now…bit seasick…

Because I am too adaptable…

Too easy to take excuses for action…

And then clean it up…

And when you are down on the floor…mopping up the vomit…and the room is spinning…

You think…

Or rather you feel…and you cannot get out of it…

Why am I so bounce backy…?

Why am I so resilient..?

Why am I so profoundly comfortable cleaning up the vomit…

I had no place in making…

Resilient or way too easily played for this gentle heart…?

I am going with the latter….

I am too easily played….

Because I have been doused in the pool of pity…feeling sorry for you…never me…

And you know..pity is the last thing I want..so why would I give it to another…

When we pity something..we want to put it out of it’s misery….

We surely do not want to help it…heal it…have it look in another direction…

When I am truly resilient…I look to a higher purpose…

When I can just bounce back from evil…chaos…being slung at me…forced down my throat…

All I am doing is stomaching your vomit….swallowing it whole…

And learning to take one more attack…one more boundary erased…violated…

I am not becoming as they say “spill proof”….waterproof…nothing…

Resilient…

I like that description of me….

But rather than bouncing back….and seeing the same old drama repeated…the same old evil done over and over again..and one complaining about the temperature of the water….

I am going to be resilient…not let your crime of choice be my damnation…

I am not going to believe that the heart operates like an algebra equation….

I am going to be resilient as my being is bent over backwards aching from the pain I witness…

And knowing…that these hands…this voice….

Have the power to create…

Because every time I bounce back from the latest greatest drama disaster….

The monster in the closet…just grew 3 inches….and the smell coming from the closet its profane….

Resiliency….mighty powerful when used properly….

 
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