The Beginning

•January 15, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I am not trying to forget

•January 15, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Forget…Why..?

Forget and move on…

Forgive and forget..

Pretend and forget..

Some say, this created me…

I say no..

I say I created me..

I chose survivor..

I chose this voice..

I chose how to react..

I chose everything you see in front of you..

And admitting that I chose…

I can now figure out why..I chose..

And I can either be its servant(which I am not very good at doing)..

Or I can be of service(excellent at doing)..

I choose to not drink..

I choose to not smoke..

I choose to not share this body like it is a convenience store gas station with multiple pumps and a variety of items(being blunt whoring)..

I choose not to lie..

I choose not to be lied to..

I choose not to believe lies..

I choose not to be silent..

And I know why I choose this…

And nope the abuse did not form this..

Nor create this life sentence ..in the most positive of ways..

Abuse showed me what I did not want..nor be..nor need..

This woman, that little girl..created this force..this voice..this mighty wind..

My feet are cemented in…

Aint no where to go..

Aint nothing to do…

But dance…

READY…????

 

I was ready…

•January 13, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I was ready to write a blog post about the story of Narcissus…

The child born of two Greek gods…

Because I thought it did not apply to the terminology, the definition we give to it.

But I was wrong.

It fits it perfectly…

But this blog post is not about that…that issue is resolved.

This blog post is about the issue of abuse, victim and silence…

And how those with the best of intentions..are providing us with the worst advice.

Yikes that should get some hate mail.

And I am not really sure why they say it…perhaps it is to soothe the anguish across the face or the pain resonating in the eyes.

But…

I think it is more like a line I heard on Project Runway…

Just pet the kitty so the kitty will go away and be quiet and leave you alone and go bother someone else…

And that makes my stomach hurt…feel like a need to purge…

We as victims(and again I use that term in total love) are told to be quiet. To slink away when no one is looking, to pet the kitty so the kitty does not scratch you.

That seems opposite and the most damaging thing I have ever heard.

They say…if you speak, fight back, defend yourself…you give them fuel.

And my answer is…SO WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I have to tuck my heart, myself away in little boxes, segmented for a sociopaths comfort..?

Kind of like wearing shoes two sizes too small…like the wicked step sisters in Cinderella trying to shove their foot into a glass slipper..eventually they cut off their toe…all to have society be pleased with us…

Kind of like hiking in 4 inch stilettos and falling off the mountain…ooops.

No matter what I do or say…they gonna think what they think, do what they do and as long as I stay silent, I insure that another person has their soul wiped out by this evil.

Another life gone…

All okay as long as it is not me…

Hmmmm…

Now I think I need to throw up.

This is the prevalent mentality…

I mean look at our society today…does life have any value…?

My answer would be NO.

Killing people for the color of their skin.

Killing people for their religion.

Killing people because we want their land.

Making people kill themselves because we bully them out of jealousy for what they are.

I was told as a child, living through abuse…to shut up.

Just ignore the bruised, half starved child in the back of the class..she is just having a rough time today, because she was not honoring to her parents.

Ignore the woman being pushed around and insulted by her children. She should know better her place.

Ignore the man who eyes speak of rage..who is bullied because he does not want to play sports or drink until he passes out and cannot remember.

It is all about ignoring.

If I ignore, or I am ignored it will all go away.

So how well is that working for you..?

Silence…the best weapon on the planet.

Smear campaigns, maligning….that silences.

You know why…?

Because we believe the lies. One does not have to worry about whether someone else believes the lies…we believe them.

So they hold the greatest power over us.

We are so concerned about what others think of us..we do not stop and think…what do I think of me..?

Why am I not allowed to call a lie a lie..?

Why am I not allowed to call a wound a wound…?

Oh because the abuser might get upset…

Oh my…

Gosh oh darn….

I end with this quote….

“The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil..the world will be destroyed by those who see evil and do nothing about it”

Albert Einstein

 

 

 

 

A break in the elements

•January 11, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I like how snow, especially in the South makes the world pause.

I am hoping for a stop, but a pause will do.

Snowed in, cold in..

Those be my favorite words.

Trapped within my four walls…well I think there may be more than four…

The dogs, my books, my sewing…my life..

And in the pause I found sanctity again..

Releasing all the myths, the blockages within..

How did they get there..?

Why am I hanging onto them..?

Why do I persist in myths…lies..fairy tales..

Oh..it is what I have been told to believe…

So do I believe it or do I not..

It is like believing someones version of what I am to do with my life..what I am to be…according to their definition..over my own voice..

Yes I admit at points within our history, our voice has not been heard..or barely discernible above the chaos and swirling masses of shame and blame..

And shame when it is used to get me to bow my head to you..is sad really..

The oldest trick in the book..most effective..least productive..but still running like a choo-choo train through the madness of our beings..

Being snowed in allowed me to reflect on some words I had been told..

Things that I had been told mattered…

Things that our world said mattered…

And Nah…

Paused..

What matters to me..?

What matters to you..?

I hope you paused long enough…

To answer that question..

I hope you learned to breath again..

I hope you were able to weep again..

I hope you were able to put down all those things that numb you…

And feel..

Snow..cold..fingertip to nose tip..breath it in..

Heat..fire..spine to belly..

And I ask one more time..

What up with you…?

Being Vulnerable

•January 5, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I can hear the screams now..

I can see the pinched faces..

I can feel the jerks within the stomach..

I can feel the urge to throw up…

I can feel the knees weakening..

Lights flickering…

Woozy…

Oh..

Incredibly powerful position to be standing in..

Vulnerable…according to Random House Dictionary is..

Capable or of susceptible of being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon; open to moral attack, temptation, criticism; open to attack or assault; difficult to defend

Those words alone on a page, might make any person run away screaming….WHY?

Is it because we are scared of having the possibility of another hurting us?

Is it because we may not quite know how to defend or explain our position and/ or boundaries?

Is it because we may be questioned?

Being vulnerable to me is a position a safe place of incredible personal power.

I will use the word empowerment…even though lately it has been tossed around to explain everything from porn to cheez doodles.

If I know what I am..and I am questioned I can explain it..and not fear repercussions brought on by my hand upon my soul..

If I am secure in my being..my heart..how can another’s attack..harm me?

Note the word attack…

If someone is attacking me…it usually is due to their own personal questioning of themselves and actions..

And you..well are reflecting to them through your steadiness, that which they are shaky and questionable on..

If my moral compass is out of whack and I am wavering and going with what society says..well I expect to be scared when I am criticized, attacked, tempted.

My instability is a reflection of my present state. Not a permanent condition. And at any moment I can solidify and change my present state. Simply by a thought.

So if I know truth..how can I be swayed by gossip..a disordered viewpoint, a jealous and enviousness person(s)..?

And how can I be wounded..?

This only happens when I hand over the reins to me..to you..

I then become obligated to believe your smack about me..

Which is the most inaccurate piece of information I could ever receive..especially if you do not like me..are envious of me..

And there is a difference between being uneasy with another and envious of another person..

Is my attempt to hear you out or silence you..?

So being vulnerable to me..is strength and power..

One cannot take what happened and happens to you and use it against you..because it holds no shame..

They are things that happened to you, not by you..

And even the things that happened by you, by  your hand cannot swallow you in bad shame..yet can motivate you to cease and go a different direction through good shame..

Shame..defined by Random House Dictionary is…

The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, done by oneself or another; disgrace; a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret.

So bad shame is brought on when someone tells you..you made them do something to you and/or you are dirty for something that happened to you.

So good shame is brought on when you realize something has gone down that should not have gone down and one seeks to correct, heal, mend the situation and to seek a higher level of existence..much higher than pond scum..

Which as a side note..is quite a creative and intelligent energy…

Yet most can relate to the statement, so it will stick for this example.

Bad shame is like when a dog vomits and then go back and eat it…”like a dog returning to vomit”.

 Good shame holds your girlfriends hair when she vomits from a night of one too many drinks.

Being Vulnerable..

Solid..safe..loving..self care..ridiculously beautiful..

Being vulnerable is knowing..acknowledging I come from abuse, was abused..yet did not abuse.

And being a soldier in this war..of removing the constricting noose about our necks of belief that says..”you made me do it”.

Vulnerable..

Safe..

Sweeeeeeeet….

Whole…

Divine.

Food as Survival

•January 4, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Food as survival…..

True or false…

Point or no point…

After traveling yesterday, working on a home I purchased….(giggles arise with those words)…

And realizing I forget…forgot…some word about eating…

So that night after this day…my friend says…”did you eat”?

Just a reminder, just a thought…

My reply is no…

Had some tea before I set out on the road…and a yogurt…but eating nope.

Why?

Why do I eat for bare survival….

DING DING DING….

I know the answer….

And another travel down the convoluted path of abuse…

Food was never about pleasure…

Eating dog food under the kitchen table with the worlds best dog Two Bits…as a child was simply a means of acknowledgement…I had to survive.

And with the little or no resources of food provided as a child..I ate dog food and survived another day…

Here at 53 an adult..food still is survival…and still a weapon…

I liked it better when I could wrap it around body image…and I did not eat to either be stick thin out of shame or eat to be bigger than this small frame for protection…

So I manage that square of my life in survival mode….hmmmm…pause for reflection.

I love to cook…and am a damn good cook…love to see others eat and travel to safe places within their hearts from the food I prepared…

Loved to feed my children…create atmosphere…other countries…with my children…

Personal favorite was China…my sons…now grown…would sit on a blanket on the floor, on big pillows, using chopsticks eating my fried rice…good memory…not much can beat those.

And food was good…took you to destinations…fed the body and soul…made you smile…

And at some points for me…and I think one of my sons..it became safety through weight gain..to cover up some feeling…and hoarding…

Because when you do not have…when you get…you hoard…because you do not believe it will be there 10 minutes from now…

And there is great validity to it…truth…things can go away in a moment…and they do..and as children you believe that stronger than anyone else…

So food is survival…

I eat just enough to survive…

Survive the moment, the act, the present time…

Eat enough to run…and then walk 4 miles…yogurt and two cups of tea should cover that right?

Nope…

Eat enough to sew, write, speak, counsel…

A bagel and tea should cover that right?

Nope…

So as a friend made me see last night, as my stomach is rumbling and it had been for 8 hours…I do not eat.

Yet cook, prepare, provide…except for me…

Yikes…and WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makes perfect sense….

And then it unravels…

Because I believe now I deserve food…no thanks to dad and a few others I wont take time to mention…

Who as a woman they told me I came last…or not at all…like cooking a roast and being left the fat gristle as my token…yeah, not going there.

I do not really believe them…

That used to reign in my thoughts…suffering…and not for anyone to see how well I do suffering…yeah stupid…

I do it now…because I do not know how…to eat…odd.

Another fine example how abuse is embedded in the molecules of our body…in the chemical breakdown…in everything…

It is one of those things that slipped by the wayside that I thought I could do without or just the bare minimum…

I mean it got me this far with the bare minimum…scary…

And how others viewed me also played it’s tune…

Either stick thin…or overweight to hide..be safe.

Are either safe?

So I sit here at 53 thinking…I need to learn how to eat…

And what do I like to eat…

Because when I speak…it is usually the first point I bring up about stepping into me…

I look forward to the day when I can say..”I know what I want to eat”.

Really odd…

Reminds me of  the series by Dean Koontz titled Odd Thomas.

Eating…

Why eat?

Why not eat?

How much?

What time?

Is it my decision?

Eating as survival.

Eating as survival.

Bare minimum.

Eating as survival.

Survival?

My final thought…

Am I allowed…?

oops..

To eat for survival and past..?

And not dog food, under the kitchen table with the beloved dog…

I think Two Bits may have the answer…

 

 

 

Here we go again.

•December 29, 2016 • Leave a Comment

About to be a new year….with all of it’s adventures.

I do not see how the new year can top this last year….but I have always been one to know each year surpasses the last.

Forgiving self….and let it go…are two of the biggest craws in my hat…

Not being from the south, but living in the south, I use their terms loosely.

Nothing sets me on fire faster than someone telling me…let it go…forgive yourself for your mistakes.

Now if I am one to have made the mistake, I will remedy that bad boy in a heart beat….

Yet these quotes about forgiving self usually do not have anything to do with that. They all reference forgiving yourself for being involved with a toxic person.

Okay…

Forgiveness in itself denotes the notion that there is an act to forgive for. An event which went down, that caused pain and suffering(most common with the reference to forgiveness).

Which if you step back from, you might get a better view.

So if I am told forgive myself to heal and will only be able to move on if I forgive…?

Should I not recognize something happened…?

So if I recognize something happened, there must be a person, persons involved in the fiasco.

So if I recognize who they are and what has been done, why must I forgive…? Ahem to move on…?

Its like the scripture which says…” honor your mother and father all the days of your life, and your life will be long”.

Or ” If you do not forgive, God will not forgive you”.

So what if my mother and father are nothing to give honor to..? What then…?

What if my partner is abusive…?

What if my children are hurtful purposefully…?

What if my friends only want me when I act right…? Whatever the hell that is…

Am I to smile in pictures, with rosy cheeks…oh and forget…?

So the threat implied, which most of us fall for is…

Accept whatever they do, deny any pain, destruction they did, cause they are above the law and they did the best they could.

And if we are running on that logic, why do I not get the same thing…?

Oh, a control mechanism to keep me hating myself and silent. Carrying the weight of the world on me. Being responsible for you and your choices…

I got ya.

Kind of how I operated for a long time…

And then one day I wrote a book…and wrote all the crimes of my father….

And I am sure hate mail will be coming my way…

But screw that god….

Why should I forgive myself for loving and reacting normally to someone slapping me around the room in every way possible…?

And why should I forgive them..?

So all will be right with me…?

NAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The moment I said….NOPE…like Rosa Parks refusing to sit in the back of the bus because she was black….my world turned upside down…

Life entered…and suddenly I could breath…

And as for peace, safety, trust…all came rushing back..in a split second…

And instead of wasting my time dealing another’s crime…I dealt with me…

Corrected my false beliefs…took care of that which I was responsible for. My  voice changed and it aint no whisper…it is a roar…so loud and shaking you to the bones…it propelled me into glory.

I have lived a life I am proud of….would not change a thing….

The only thing…and the only thing I am going to hug (forgive) myself for is this…

Is allowing someone to take a piss on me and tell me it is raining…

And I allowed it…because we are told we are bad people and God does not love you…and you are going to hell…and you will not be forgiven…all those juicy things…this is all your good for…

When I opened my mouth and said Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I aint waiting around for them to say sorry….really..? come on….have we not learned better than that…

The only thing I am going to focus on is this…

A quote from Eckhart Tolle…

“Forgive yourself for not being at peace”.

I acknowledge that I believed the vain, empty voices of this world over myself.

I acknowledge that I let a controlling religion to define the Divine.

I acknowledge that I let my position as a woman be overrun by a world that is still killing women and wants me to believe I am less than a man…kind of like a cockroach.

I acknowledge that I was not at peace, and thus I could not hear my voice.

Forgiveness…well you know where you can put that.