Things I learned by watching The Walking Dead

•May 16, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Okay enough with the groans….

Sometimes there are reasons to watch some of these shows….even the show the Bachelor…

Hey worst case scenario…you learn what “not to do”

Things I learned from The Walking Dead

  1. Forgiveness is impossible….

I have tried..and those who know me..know my persistence…my endurance…

I have attempted in many ways to forgive my father for his sadist approach to child rearing…no matter how many times I speak love into the air…and say…it is okay…he was just troubled and true love would….LET IT GO….(most hated words in the English vocabulary)…I drive myself into a tank filled with piranhas…the more and more I try to make ugly pretty…the more and more I set myself up…and my world is filled with versions of my father and get to spend every minute of every day…bandaging myself…cleaning up way too big piles of crap…and revisiting my father making babies with my sister…his daughter….

The more and more I play in a sandbox that this did not exist…the more and more I bring my father home and play house with him…and the less and less I have compassion for my sister and dump it on my father….the least deserving of any being I know of…

I know I can hear it…I have said it myself…If I do not forgive..it will destroy me..make me bitter..make me live a life of regrets…

Well Sunshine..I am about to burst the bubble…the only things…and the only things that have ever made me bitter and full of regret…was trying to forgive someone…or eek forgiveness out of someone…who spends a lifetime of exploitation of the human soul…who has no intention…no matter how you try to dress it up…to ever stop…

Pause for a second…how many times…as you attempt to forgive(which translates into forget…and look the other way sweetie while I screw your child)…how many times have you encountered the same scenarios…with different names…of those things…you are trying to or think you have LET GO?…like everyday…yeah..I figured so…

How many things do we have stuffed in a closet…tucked under a pillow….that keep us from taking that job…speaking those words…looking past the big monster we let run our lives…because we are trying to forgive….and the problem always comes back to us..it is our issue….we must make it right…or…

Heaven is taken away from us….

God will not like us…

We will only be forgiven if we forgive…

Well here goes….

I do not believe in heaven….or hell…heaven is right here in this moment…but we find it difficult to grasp because we cannot appreciate much..we spend all of our days numbing ourselves so everything does not sting so much…and all our energy goes to tearing ourselves down…rather than complain…and that complain is put in for a dear friend of mine…we should complain..loudly…about those things that happened that conditioned us to move in with a person who insults you…yet run from the one who brings you daisies….the one who tells you insults are just jokes….and geez…aren’t you just a bit thin skinned? There is where we stay…hunkered down…being told..we over react…too emotional…and hey loosen up….Damn I missed that seminar…

God will not like us….

Oh boy…well maybe I do not like a god…who tells me…to ignore knowledge…makes me choose between being a brain dead follower…cooing over all the wonderful garden of hospitality I should kiss its feet for..rather than thinking on my own…and seeing what deserves my mercy and what does not…

And as a side note…my father does not deserve my mercy…when I gave it to him..it lead me down the pathway into the arms of another man who had sex with his daughter and made a baby….geez any connection…? And neither does my ex husband…and you know who you are snookums…if I had forbidden him mercy for his abuse…perhaps I would not have 4 sons who all abuse…geez..I wonder where they learned that?

Perhaps they would be walking in the sunlight I just recently found…

And no I do not have to forgive me…

I followed the patterns I had been taught….and I have untaught myself…and my diligence and persistence is what did it…no poetic musical about forgiveness…or the mercies that unfold when I forgive….

I will only be forgiven when I forgive…

Only works if you believe it…truth not packaged in sparkly paper…but true…

Its like believing I am only good for…well…you fill in the word…something..one of the things my father told me…and I believed…

Then I stopped believing it….and surprise…my body became beautiful and sacred…and powerful…

Apply it to everything in your life…only holds power if it feed it power…and it is liberating…quite the feminist statement there….

So I will complain about what my father and ex-husband did and my sons…and I will not place it on me…stroking the ego of another…taking the blame for their actions…I know what I did as a child..parent..wife…and it damn well aint a thing I need forgiveness for…quite possibly a medal…but then I may look a bit smug…and I am far from that….

2. Everything can change…but choice is involved….

You got to want different…if not..it perpetuates the same…repeat..repeat…and stop complaining….cause when we get to the point of wanting change…we are in full on denial that anything needs changing and we think WE can change another….

Nope..they must want change…

Which brings me to my 3rd point…

3. People will not stop doing what they do…how they live their life…patterns…until they feel there needs to be a change…even if it kills people…or maims them…

The Walking Dead gives many examples…because the Walking Dead is not about Zombies….not a second of it…

4. The ability to do..be..create…what you want…is staring you back from the mirror…

It holds no secret codes…or chants…only awareness

The one thing we have tucked away..hidden under the bed…with the dust balls…hidden in someones angry words…cause they see you slipping away from them…tucked in the layers of color you smile at…on top of all those things you have been called…

Hidden under lock and key of the life you have been told you cannot have…

Not until you forgive…

And lets not forget…forget…

Honor a god who demands utter obedience or death…death would be a better ride…

Languish our days away hoping that all the crap we were told that makes our heart hurt..well is truth…like heaven is for those who blindly follow…are white…and never think an ugly thought….

Spend our days enacting criminal acts to ourselves…in hopes the pain goes away and my god…I can forgive…

Well here’s to The Walking Dead….

Thank you Rick for showing me…once a cheater..always a cheater….even if you said I do to them or they were your best buddy since elementary…

And thank you Maggie for showing me…that it stings forever when you loose a good person…when they are mowed down by well crap…(remember I am playing nice)…

Thank you Darryl for showing me…that you are not what happened to you…it does not have to rule your life…you can be pissed off forever…(its how you keep the fools out)…and you are what you decide to be…and it does take a minute to get past the grime covering your eyes….

Thank you Carol for showing me that one can wake up…and be one strong woman…and still dismantle at losing your child…or thinking…I would just like to make dinner now…

Thank you Carl for showing me it is okay to grow up…and know more than the adults…and one can use that knowledge to not repeat well crap…

Thank you for this show…for showing me…

That I am not one of the Walking Dead…

And do not have to wait for one day someone will shower me with mercy the day this physical body stops going…or not give me mercy and allow me to be the dead..Walking Dead…

Because I control this…now and forever…and if I want the change..I want the light to come on…its all in my hands…

Aint nobody controlling the dials..but me…

I walked away from my father at 15…

I walked away from a 20 year marriage…and life is pretty damn sweet…I want for nothing….

I walk away from many things…

And…

When I think I am lost..alone…up the creek without a paddle…

I realize I have more paddles that REI…more maps and directions than the Great Atlas…I realize I have more confidantes and cheerleaders I ever thought existed…

Thank you The Walking Dead….

You made me realize…their aint no man who knows best for me…damn they can barely keep their head above water…

I know best for me…

And when I turn myself over to this world…

I am the Walking Dead….

And will someone make sure to shoot me in the head….cause that is the only way that nightmare will end…

 

 

Sacred Sage and Botanical Bundles

•April 26, 2016 • Leave a Comment

These organically grown mountain botanical bundles are hand wrapped and filled with good energy for spiritual cleansing and blessing. Each smudge is made with sage, cedar, lavender, lilac, and lich…

Source: Sacred Sage and Botanical Bundles

Tragedy..Confusion and Pain…

•January 20, 2016 • Leave a Comment

The pain of living the hidden life….FAILURE…

Not falling down and screwing something up…

Not something you can mop up…

Not something you can spread air freshener on and hope the smell dissipates…

But true failure….

Failure for compiling a lie to cover a lie..to cover the drink..to cover the indiscretion…to cover the blow..the punch..the “I did it because I really love you”…

I am wondering..if people actually love anymore…

Do we have any idea the real intended…meaning of love…

It in all honesty is starting to fade away for me…

Like some great event..like WWI…like did it ever happen?

Knowing full well it did happen..the lives won..the lives lost..

I wonder if we can comprehend..the cost of our actions…

Do we understand great quotes such as…

“The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil…but by those who see evil and do nothing about it”

Albert Einstien

Do we not understand…that we cannot flirt with deviancy and perversion…and then throw our clothes in the machine using stain spotter….and imagine they come clean…

It is us..who are stained..

And yet we ask others to be blemished for us…when they fight the tidal wave of horrors..we dump into their hearts..minds..beings…

How have we become so putrid…

That we betray a soul..over a boy or girl liking us…or a cell phone..or a pair of shoes…

Or am I thin enough…jacked up enough…do you believe my lies…

We wonder why are there so many wounded…?

Why do we enjoy shows like the Walking Dead….

Because we are the walking dead….

Why do we worship the movie star..or the girl who uses her sex to play her daddy…

These we give props to…

But we yell and condemn..the person on the corner..trying to gather..the last shred of hope within them..that tonight..please oh please..will be there last..

To ask others to endure our filthy views of them…

To speak filthy..to lie about another to suit our story of repetitive hate..we live by…like a code…of dishonor…

My heart tires by repeating the same thing…

And others tell me to run for the hills….

But reality now shows me…there is no safe space….

I must learn to endure..the burning of my soul…

So you…can have your I Phone to snuggle with..while everyone burns around you…

And you use them as a heat source….

 

•December 22, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Being thankful for having another in your life..by your side…

Is way different than just having someone in your life…

Who has nowhere else to go…

And in all honesty…

You would prefer they were not around you…

Be thankful…

That you have the discretion…the heart movement..

To have good souls in your life…

Rather than a warm body…

And you can be at peace..

To stand alone…

Rather than fill the room…

With…vampires…

Who will hide your view…

To see the true soul…

Who only asks that you smile…

Is mental illness….?

•December 18, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Is mental illness a spiritual sickness…?

Is mental illness a cause and effect…sort of like reap what you sow…?

Is chemical imbalances due to the foods..or should I say manufactured food…we ingest..?

How about the things we look at…?

How about the things we read…?

How about the things we talk about…?

How about the chemicals we use in everyday living…?

Are these creating an imbalance..an altering of each of us…?

Are we having our minds twisted…because our hearts..our beings..the soul is being twisted…?

I am not sitting on the fence about this…

I say yes….

I say mental illness is a spiritual necrosis…

A dying of who we are..essence..divine…

A polluting by our hands and by another hand….

The fight to keep returning to self…

Can it ever be achieved through self medicating…drugs, alcohol, sex…?

Can it be achieved through a doctor who tries to make the voices go away…

Maybe we should hear the voices…

And ask…why are they there..?

Who gave you space inside of me…?

Who allowed you to fill me with sadness…

Pain…

Anger…

Who…?

Me…

Maybe it is time to ride though the voices…to see what we have become… rather than to give an excuse for our behavior…

Perhaps we need to remove the veil…

And to state clearly…

I am the one responsible for letting you rent space in my mind…my being…

I am the one who signed the contract…

So this illness….

Is all my fault…

Flaws….NAH!!!!!!!!!!!

•December 14, 2015 • Leave a Comment

We are all described as having flaws….

But….

Are we not perfect beings?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my take on it…

I have no flaws…

I have weaknesses…

Which I choose not to exploit….

Mandy Carroll

Extreme Sensitivity to Truth

•November 27, 2015 • 1 Comment

To first have a sensitivity to truth…you got to know the truth….

In a world clouding our view of the truth..we whimper along….

Truth in 100% of the cases cuts like a sword..just recently forged in the fire…still glowing with heat…it can burn from 100 yards away…

So why do we avoid the truth…spend millions of dollars to create the illusion of truth..?

Is it because the truth is so ugly…?

Or because the truth will set you free?

And do we want to be free…

Now that is the question…

And honestly…who really wants to be free..?

Is it not so much more dramatic and pitying to have a story line of pain and anguish(created by our own hands) to cling to…than how the situation actually went down…?

If honest…we will admit…but then how many can be honest…?

How many cling to its someone else’s fault…

And yes, others can do and will do things to you…especially as children…

But when you are out…and well home free…why still cling to dear life to lies…?

Is it the reasoning to drink…

Is it the reason to smoke…

Is it the reason to eat..

Is it the reason to sex like a fool…

I guess it is…

Truth will cut like a sword…

It detaches us…

from the nonsense…

It shaves the hair off the chin…so close…you cannot see the the swipe of the blade….

Truth does not wound..nor create illusions…

Truth illuminates…

It is profound in its ability…

The question is this…

Are we capable of seeing it…?

 

 
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