The Get over it….

•May 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I have heard that many a time…and easily accepted it as truth….

It must be a way to deal with things….

Things you may be unaware of on the conscious level…yet swirl in the being….constantly….

And I thought about abuse….

Not of my marriage…because in truth…that is just a carry over from my childhood…

So I speak of abuse…

And think….this thought…

If I am to just get over it…

How do I get over it…if I can never deal with it…?

If my mentality is to be…just let it go…

Where is it going…?

Because it is not going away….

No matter how many times I smile…

Or bake 1000 chocolate cakes and relish in the divine flavor of frosting…

It still sits with me…

So why does a hand on my shoulder…cause me to shiver and tears come rushing forth…?

Why does the thought of a hug…from a man…and those who have a pretense of being a man…make me step back and feel along the wall for the handle to escape…

And why…?

Why does everyone say..get over it…?

Even those who have been in my shoes…and they were told to get over it…or the ship would sink…

And the ship has sunk…because they have not gotten over it….

Because the moment you turn to a hurting soul…and say..wipe those tears…go back in there and say you are alright….and get over it….

You have just negated…the profoundness of them…of life….

What profoundly beautiful creatures we are…inhabiting this frail human body..made strong by this psyche…that fights for life…

And through it all dares to breath….

I cannot…I repeat…I cannot get over this..until I face it….on my time…

And to be honest..those times are the most inconvenient for everyone else…but the most perfect for me…

I should pause…when I check the door locks…for the 10th time in five minutes…

What am I checking for…?

What am I seeking reassurance for…?

What has happened….what is so deep in there….

That at 52…I am still six years old…trying to find a safety net to jump to…

And words to explain….this….

I cannot ever get over it…

Events such as these…live within our DNA….

They incorporate themselves within our cells…

They dwell in this being…

And our bodies attempt to incorporate them as truth…as identities…

And how to live with them…

It is part of how I view myself….

It is in my chemical makeup….

It breathes into my cells….

And two choices always present themselves to me…always…

Option one…

Run away to some unknown area….change my name…work in simplicity…doing a no name job…occupying a small space…and a life with small interactions…

Allowing that STUFF…to just meld down and be quiet for the rest of my life….

Option Two….

Pause…when something happens…feelings arise….peel back every layer of the onion…

Step back…do not intervene…do not make everyone else comfortable…or show some falsehood of how well I have dealt with this…

Step aside…from the naysayers…and feel what I feel…even in the most inconvenient time…which is usually when I am standing right in front of my trigger…

Let my heart guide me…let me love myself…let me say…I cannot do this…or…move aside let me feel all of this…and please oh please….can someone hold my hand…even when I squeeze it so tight…I whimper….and not tell me…I should be done with this…

I cannot be done..until I face it…

Until the day I can look in the mirror…and keep eye contact…and say…I like you…and keep eye contact…

Cause this aint about…getting over anything…I can never get over anything…and neither can you…

Each event…each moment becomes part of the being….

And until I can say..this is part of me…my being…which is part of all of us…

And today..I will dress it different…feed it something else…read it a different story….

To get a glimpse of the majesty contained within me…

And that majesty…abuse intended to destroy…

It aint the law of attraction…

It aint the thought creates the world…and just think better…

It is the powerful notion…that this…this wrestle..is the most important thing…

And no one..should try and take that away….

And maybe this perfect being….

Will find a way…to simply make peace….

Not because of any great feats…crossing the moat of fire…or machine gunning down the enemy….

Perhaps it is..in the making of peace within myself…and knowing….

It is so okay…to cry…

How can that be said…..??????

•May 3, 2015 • 4 Comments

I wonder…through my steaming lens of fury….

How I can utter…in a flippant manner…the words…

I love you….

And not back it up….

And the more I think about it…the more furious it is…

It is a quiet fury…

No one feels it…but me…

No one gets singed from the burn of it…but me…

Keeping my emotions in check…have been a well practiced art form…

I have achieved….over many a year…

Like turning the cheek….

Learning how to react….

Yet the fury lies in this…

How can I say I love you…

And watch you…and not speak as you kill yourself…

And then bring others along for the ride…

And hopefully take them down with the ship…

And if one manages to not kill them…

They are doomed to a life of fragmented pain…

So how does that mean I love you…?

I watched a father…siblings…ex husband…children…friends…dwindle down the dark hallway of drinking….

And each and every one I spoke to…leaned into about what this was doing…

Watched them load their children into vehicles…inebriated…and toddle off down the road…oh…just fine…

How many times did I find out that they cared so little for themselves or those they claimed to love…by these actions and many more…

How many times did I allow myself to be silenced because you shamed me….

How many times did I say…it is your life…piss it away…

How many….

One too many….

How many times did I have the fear of you no liking me….

Or you having to have a penalty for these deplorable actions….dumped onto me…

How many times….

How many times did I back off….

because you told me I was unkind for bringing it up…and I had a bad heart….

How many times….

More than I can count…

Because I let…the popular opinion silence me…

Making others like me….

So in my fury I speak….

It is not love….

When I know…I know…and we all know….

One is doing something so dangerous…so life ending….

And we stay silent….

Because we are afraid of offending another…

Having them not like us…

Having them call us a name…

Shaming us…

Telling us to go the hell away…

And then dragging us back in…

How many times…???

So I say this…and those who can hear listen…

I know you are drinking…

And you are slowly killing yourself….

And you are killing others…with this slow methodical torture…of those you claim to love…

And yes you have ended the life of a few….BRAVO….

So did I mention….

I could give a F… about what you think of me….?

The next time…you drink..and you spit your hate at me…

Or you stink with it oozing out of your every cell….

I will remind you…

As I trip you and you fall on your face….

It aint getting past me…ever again…

Because I back up what I say…

And I love you is not a vacation word covered in whip cream….

And it is about to sting like hell….

I LOVE YOU…..

I want to say this is new knowledge…..BUT…..

•April 28, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I would like to say all these lights flashing and aha moments are due to some great epiphany…but they are not…

It is old news….

I am just better equipped to deal with it….

There are no superheroes waiting in the wings to help you do that feat….

The only superhero is the one which exists inside oneself….

It is our choice to put on the cape and shiny boots and do the feats beyond imagination….

There are no fast and sure…think away your woes…physical and mental….

There is only your choice to think otherwise…

To put the bottle down….

To walk away from condemning negative people…

To stop saying….”I cannot do this”…

Despite the fear of the unknown…

Which is actually the way one should have been living all along….

It is only unknown because we have believed others when they speak of our unworthiness….

And thus we believe all are that way…mean….

We are all capable…of such greatness….

And have no idea…no idea of all our talents and abilities….we have no idea….

We tend to sit…waiting on the barbed wire side of the moat….waiting for another to see it…and validate it….

And what happens when one leaps over the barbed wire…and says hey….you something special….

Do we argue them into the ground…and then hang with the losers who would like you suffocated….

Or do we recognize…the superhero in them….

Remember…they just scaled the wall…and the prickly pears…and the poisonous apple…to define us for a moment….

So I decide…stick with the joker…who likes to keep us guessing….

Or grab the hand of the other…the superhero…dressed like Pooh….

And know…always know….

You are stuck in my heart….and you can never leave….ever….

Do not doubt….

•April 27, 2015 • Leave a Comment

When you have that first thought…that first twinge….

Trust it with everything you got….

Even when the person standing in front of you…says…”you crazy”….

Do not go down any other highway then that one…

Do not pass go…

Do not collect 200….

Stay the course….

This has proven itself in every arena in my life…

When I am taking a test…a multiple choice test…which I loathe…as a side thought….

When out walking…and you have a thought to go a different path this time…listen to it…

Every thought you have about something…is dead on accurate….

What makes another insult us…create doubt…is the fact we hit the nail on the head…

It is money….money money….

We have been taught to mistrust self….

Because it keeps you just keeping your nose above water in the deep end of the pool….

And if you can be focused on that…you will not trust self…

And you can be especially positive on something…when they repeat it back to you…

Test it out….

Take an online quiz…multiple choice style….

OR….

Trust yourself…please….

Grief…pain and suffering somehow slip away when one trusts self….

Not quite sure….

•April 25, 2015 • 1 Comment

Not a state of mind….

Just a peculiarity on what to call this space I now write about….

And I begin with this quote….

“Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

Today…as I stood from lunch…with my bags about me…I almost fled…

Anxiety was riddling me…like bullets from a machine gun….

And the only thing I was able to do for that moment was…flee….

We all have the fight or flight response….

Me…I am the fighter….

Not throwing punches…or cursing words….

Protection…first of my siblings and then of my children….and I think now as I stare down mid 50’s….ME…

And I will stand and have a crusade for wrongs done…I will…pummel it into the ground….so it will not be forgotten….

And that is a good thing…

Yet I need the same for myself…

And it was not until today…that I gained that skill….

And the quote I read this evening…upon returning from 8 hours in classes and 6 hours of employment….

Add in a flat tire…that was fixed in angelic record speed…

And time that stood still…to have me arrive and clock in for work at the exact moment I was due to begin….

Made me think….HMMMMMMM…..

And this quote made me see…

That my faith for this moment….finally was within myself…and for myself….and I began by fighting for myself…and recognizing….I was a fighter…

And as I stood there…looking at my instructor…and speaking that it was time to flee….

She spoke about bubbles….

Bubbles floating to the surface….

Things long ago…tucked away…washed of hope and faith….obscured by lies…yet needing…the fight of this lady…

And with tears in my eyes…not knowing if the collapse would happen……

I plunged into the dark….

And I have never been one to go slowly into anything….

I fought back the tingling fear…creeping up my spine…trying to lodge itself in my eyes…to obscure….

That I was useless…a blunder…selfish…because at 52…I was paying attention to me…

And I had to face this stuff….we all got stuff….

So I pushed through it…

Was transparent…

And allowed myself to bubble….

You see…

I have been doing time….

Playing the same notes over and over again….

So on Thursday I went out…with a girlfriend…and silly enough…much younger than me….

And

I laughed and snorted…..

And then I went to class…and sat in a class that talked about all sorts of things…and I opened my voice and said….”what about this”….

And I plunged straight ahead…not hoping for anything but hope…

And I got the world….

And I experienced all the grace I had given in my life…in a moment of time….

Just as I pulled my car off the road…and saw a flat tire…

Two men…walked by and started and finished fixing my tire….

Then in a rush for time…and not wanting to be late….time slowed….and 5 minutes became 15….and so on and so on…

And I paused….and I saw the fight for self…and what it avails…

I spoke…and said…I am not doing a good job with this…I will do better…and the moment I spoke is the moment it happened….

And the Universe…God…gave me the greatest gift…I was heard….

And is that not one of the most greatest gifts one could get…think about it….

To be heard…not shushed…

To not be told…let it go…

To know that right now…you let a piece of it go….and later more would follow….

And that right now…you are trying to get over it…

And one day….you will look back…and not trivialize it…and the description of yourself you carry now…will cease to exist…

And you will wonder who that was…but in a good way…

And you will see yourself the way you really are…the way others see you….even the fools who try and convince you…you are trash….

Just because today…or yesterday…or even tomorrow…you will step…blindly into faith….

And have no expectations….

And yet…find solid ground….

And as I hear many of the great minds say….

“It will all be okay”….

Cause it will….

And okay is just dandy…..

Silence

•April 19, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Only you can decide if the work…stress…fatigue….crushed spirit…soaring above the clouds….seeing the light at the end of the tunnel….aha moments…asking for help…accepting help…looking at yourself through the eyes of beauty…because that is the only true view…

Are worth…the place you wish to enter…the person you already are…yet uncovering….are worth…all of the above and more…

It is not about age…weight…height…except…you being willing to step…into the course….

Is it worth it….

Chopped at the Knees…..

•April 9, 2015 • 2 Comments

Making decisions usually precedes a thought process…investigating what everyone will think of you…if you do this or that…what they think of you as a person…and what they think of you…

And that tends to be the way one makes a decision….

I should know…I have spent a lifetime doing that….and the ding….ding…ding just went off….

I was…note the was….doing just that….

Making a decision on what someone thought of me….

Which at the best is a false idea…a twisted reality…because when one speaks about another….

Giving a summation of what they think the person is….

They are 99.9% of the time talking about themselves…profoundly….

Scary when you think about it….Huh…!!!!!

Yet we as loving beings…take that shit on like nobody’s business…and we take it as gospel….

What other people think of you is none of your business.

So as I sit here making a huge decision…and all of them are…because of the impact they have upon us…

I am thinking of someone else…and what they think about me….and that for some awful reason is having a decision factor in my decision….

Why for the love of peanut butter…am I allowing that….?

Simply…because I do not trust self…not many of us do…

So it is a simple maneuver to pull us into doubt and lets beat me up days…

Just takes a word….or…they see you struggling…and they tell you how you are ruining the program..played the wrong note….

And when this happens….we must…rear back…and plant our feet firmly…and recognize this…

They are speaking about themselves….

They are hurting…and see how they have let themselves down…you have sparked something inside of them…

Yet it is so much easier to attack another…drag them down..whip them around the room…and bring them to our safe…dank…known sadness…than tell them the truth…or ask for aid…assistance…and open our heart…

So much easier to watch someone carry our burdens…beat themselves into believing they are horrible…

Rather than pick up the mantle…and say…this is mine…

We spend a lifetime…making decisions on..will they like me…what do they think…is it the right thing for them…

Geesh….no wonder I am so tired….

And tonight…as my eyes are drooping and I find fatigue chasing me and winning…

And my excitement for class is waning and I am thinking I am suffering for having work the next day…and poor me…

I paused…

Why am I so tired…?

Why am I so ungrateful…?

Why am I so defeated and thinking a job is life sucking…?

Why…?

And yes why always has an answer…we just do not like the one we hear…

I am not tired because I go to school…7 hours at a time…3 times a week…

I am not tired because I work 10 hour shifts…5 times a week…

I am tired because I am trying to have another find…satisfaction in what I am doing and is it okay…Am I okay..?…do you like me…?

I did not pause…for a second and say…do I like me…?

It was all about someone else….

Damn…to hell in a hand basket…

And truth be told…

One minute they will like you…and then later…when they slip into their behaviors..they will hate you…and say things that will make you run…and you will feel like a crazy person…

Because you will constantly be…seeking…what is the truth…?

The decision I must make…you must make…the person next to you must make…the neighbor down the street…must make…

It without your perspective of yourself…added in…nor your temperamental tantrums…which arise…at the most critical hour…or they say the eleventh hour….

I was ready..to throw away…a career…my calling for some fool…who one minute liked himself and the next did not…

And wanted me to believe this is truth about me…

On what planet would any of that be true…?

A person..who was careless with their life..and wanted a partner…wanted someone to be accountable for their s…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So your opinion of me..does not matter….

What you think of me…does not matter….

Until the day..one can be straight with me…speak truth..in love…

I aint listening….

Because when one is straight…in love…

They will want you to fly….

Not sink down to the bottom of the hole…wrestling in tar…carrying their sickness…

Love wants the best…so I will tell you the truth about yourself…

And I hope…I pray….that I am brave enough…have the courage…to speak truth to you…love you…

Even at the point I am not capable or willing to do that for myself…

Even to the point I am willing…to not take your life…

Even when it pinches…even when the lighting makes me look a bit sick…even seeing me on my bad side…my profile…even when you see my tears and all my frailties…

Until that point….

My opinion….matters nothing…

 

 
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