Silence

•April 19, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Only you can decide if the work…stress…fatigue….crushed spirit…soaring above the clouds….seeing the light at the end of the tunnel….aha moments…asking for help…accepting help…looking at yourself through the eyes of beauty…because that is the only true view…

Are worth…the place you wish to enter…the person you already are…yet uncovering….are worth…all of the above and more…

It is not about age…weight…height…except…you being willing to step…into the course….

Is it worth it….

Chopped at the Knees…..

•April 9, 2015 • 2 Comments

Making decisions usually precedes a thought process…investigating what everyone will think of you…if you do this or that…what they think of you as a person…and what they think of you…

And that tends to be the way one makes a decision….

I should know…I have spent a lifetime doing that….and the ding….ding…ding just went off….

I was…note the was….doing just that….

Making a decision on what someone thought of me….

Which at the best is a false idea…a twisted reality…because when one speaks about another….

Giving a summation of what they think the person is….

They are 99.9% of the time talking about themselves…profoundly….

Scary when you think about it….Huh…!!!!!

Yet we as loving beings…take that shit on like nobody’s business…and we take it as gospel….

What other people think of you is none of your business.

So as I sit here making a huge decision…and all of them are…because of the impact they have upon us…

I am thinking of someone else…and what they think about me….and that for some awful reason is having a decision factor in my decision….

Why for the love of peanut butter…am I allowing that….?

Simply…because I do not trust self…not many of us do…

So it is a simple maneuver to pull us into doubt and lets beat me up days…

Just takes a word….or…they see you struggling…and they tell you how you are ruining the program..played the wrong note….

And when this happens….we must…rear back…and plant our feet firmly…and recognize this…

They are speaking about themselves….

They are hurting…and see how they have let themselves down…you have sparked something inside of them…

Yet it is so much easier to attack another…drag them down..whip them around the room…and bring them to our safe…dank…known sadness…than tell them the truth…or ask for aid…assistance…and open our heart…

So much easier to watch someone carry our burdens…beat themselves into believing they are horrible…

Rather than pick up the mantle…and say…this is mine…

We spend a lifetime…making decisions on..will they like me…what do they think…is it the right thing for them…

Geesh….no wonder I am so tired….

And tonight…as my eyes are drooping and I find fatigue chasing me and winning…

And my excitement for class is waning and I am thinking I am suffering for having work the next day…and poor me…

I paused…

Why am I so tired…?

Why am I so ungrateful…?

Why am I so defeated and thinking a job is life sucking…?

Why…?

And yes why always has an answer…we just do not like the one we hear…

I am not tired because I go to school…7 hours at a time…3 times a week…

I am not tired because I work 10 hour shifts…5 times a week…

I am tired because I am trying to have another find…satisfaction in what I am doing and is it okay…Am I okay..?…do you like me…?

I did not pause…for a second and say…do I like me…?

It was all about someone else….

Damn…to hell in a hand basket…

And truth be told…

One minute they will like you…and then later…when they slip into their behaviors..they will hate you…and say things that will make you run…and you will feel like a crazy person…

Because you will constantly be…seeking…what is the truth…?

The decision I must make…you must make…the person next to you must make…the neighbor down the street…must make…

It without your perspective of yourself…added in…nor your temperamental tantrums…which arise…at the most critical hour…or they say the eleventh hour….

I was ready..to throw away…a career…my calling for some fool…who one minute liked himself and the next did not…

And wanted me to believe this is truth about me…

On what planet would any of that be true…?

A person..who was careless with their life..and wanted a partner…wanted someone to be accountable for their s…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So your opinion of me..does not matter….

What you think of me…does not matter….

Until the day..one can be straight with me…speak truth..in love…

I aint listening….

Because when one is straight…in love…

They will want you to fly….

Not sink down to the bottom of the hole…wrestling in tar…carrying their sickness…

Love wants the best…so I will tell you the truth about yourself…

And I hope…I pray….that I am brave enough…have the courage…to speak truth to you…love you…

Even at the point I am not capable or willing to do that for myself…

Even to the point I am willing…to not take your life…

Even when it pinches…even when the lighting makes me look a bit sick…even seeing me on my bad side…my profile…even when you see my tears and all my frailties…

Until that point….

My opinion….matters nothing…

 

Reflections

•April 8, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Originally posted on unheardunspokencogitationum:

If you could see the damage
Your words inflicted on others
Trace the scars on their skin
Will you be more thoughtful?

If you could see her heart
That you left scarred when
You decided to cheat on her
Will you do it differently?

If you could read the doubts
He carries in his eyes for the
World for you fed him lies
Will you try to set things right?

If you could count her broken
Bones followed by each angry
Night you spent with her
Will you ask for forgiveness?

If you knew how your son cried
To sleep each night because he
Was never smart enough for you
Will you try to make amends?

If you could see another soul
All the beauty and sorrows
The make humans vulnerable
Will you tread more carefully?


http://penningmyvoice.com/reflections/

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Ponder This….

•April 8, 2015 • 1 Comment

As you look back on your life, you will realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected from someone or something you wanted, you were in fact being redirected to someone or something you needed.

The Universe knows what one needs…wants…desires….

Even through the fog of us having no clue….

Staring at the closed door in front of us…

Speaking of defeat….

It may be the moment to change the thinking….

And be brave enough to turn around…

And even though we cannot get it at that moment….

Just step out into the fog filled field….

And the only surprise you will get is…

How easily you slip into what you were meant to do…where you were meant to be…and who you were meant to be with…

It will feel awkward….

Because honestly…and I speak from experience….

Most of us are used to pissing our life away…playing someone’s game….

I know..I stand there today…

Eyes squinting…trying to see through the fog…hoping some beam of light will show itself…

It is my heart I must trust…or betray it….

And that is harder to swallow and look in the mirror everyday….than any fool who tries and I allow to direct my life…

Time to step into the unknown….

And I am home….

Crossroads….

•April 6, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I can finally say there are words I do not like….okay I hate them…

Crossroads is one of them…because you cannot explain it…except to yourself…

So here I sit…I am supposed to be at work right now….yet I have a cold…with runny nose…my ears ringing…and breathing made near impossible….

So I think calling out today was best…for all concerned….

And I sort of expected something to happen…

Everyone at work is sick…people dropping like flies with some stomach bug…that will not find me…

It is not the service I need…but the cold I did need…

Because I needed to learn something….

There is something behind the man…. behind the curtain that I am temporarily blinded from seeing….

And it is through being forced to be still and connect with this physical body(a difficult task for those traumatized)…that I see…

The Tin Man….yearning for a heart..thinking his had gone rusty..and was not working anymore…

And I found mine again…because I had been told it had gone cold…

Through a co-worker I have known 10 minutes…and he said…”you have a lot of integrity”…

How does a stranger see that…?

When the student is ready…the teacher appears…

Teacher one right there…

The Cowardly Lion….had no courage….

I thought I had none…thought strength was something used to push through all the blows…

But just like the Cowardly Lion…as he protected himself….he realized he had courage…

Courage to see..he was not what he was told…and how another..(seeking to keep you in a box said)…was the farthest from the truth…

He saw he had the courage..to not believe he was damaged goods…

Aha…I do not need fixing…

Teacher Two…

The Scarecrow…

Constantly putting the stuffing back in…wishing he had a brain…thinking he could not learn…and what  lowly life he was to have….

Hmmm….it is like me constantly trying to prove I am a good person…to some…spent a lifetime…

Constantly trying to get validation from…crackpots….

Thinking I am the crackpot…and realizing here…and to be truthful..I have had many moments of insight…

That the people trying to shove my head under water…are well…crackpots…and making someone else feel like crap..while trying to do the parade of LIES…to direct the attention away from them…called deflection…

And these types…like to have you around…because good hearts serve them well…

They push you away..yet always keep you tethered with the littlest strand…

And they benefit from you highly….and you look crazy…and to those who operate like them…they look like sunshine…

So how do I know this….?

Because I am in one…sort of have 3/4 of me out…but I still get it…

Scarecrow realized he was about as smart as he told himself he was…and nothing…nothing was out of reach…

And Dorothy…rejection…loss…misunderstanding…no idea of value…

Decided to wish herself away…and the poor me…went away…

She realized she was beautiful…not rejected..nor abandoned…

And life is not about who’s face can I step on…lie to…cheat and steal from…

Life takes work…but it is the best work…and holds all sorts of guarantees…

And those four had to find it…

All have hearts…and life for them is vulnerability…the safest, warmest place to be…

All have brains…it either withers away from the crap we pump into it…and that which we value…or it grows…and the next thing you know you are looking at a score of 100% on an muscle skeletal of the first 200 muscles…

All have courage…and sometimes it is in the form of quietness…stillness…speaking into ourselves…the courage it takes to simply open our eyes…and change everything by saying hello…

All are loved…held close…no one is abandoned and rejected….that is just the nonsense I fill my being with…by hanging out with the wrong crowd…because I think there is something wrong with me….

But when you stand in the right crowd…the love of you…your original being…the real you is seen…..

Like from my co-worker…

And definitely not the nonsense you hear from pinheads…

So as I stand at this crossroad…been at it many a year…

This time…..

I see clearly…with my stuffed nose….

I have a tremendous heart….and a stranger saw that…

I am WOW intelligent….because I became what I put in…

I have courage…more than I thought….because I walked away from everything to gain me…and I gained everything….and I speak into hate and violence…

And I am wanted…pursued…and even adored…

And that will appear more and more…the more I tell..others to well take a hike…and make space for the others….

So I am glad I have this cold…my nose is running…ears are stuffed…

It made me pause…and see the real things…

Like heart…brains…courage…beauty…

And now it is time to skip down the yellow brick road…

Because it took me back home…

Right to this heart…..

Commitment….

•April 1, 2015 • Leave a Comment

As all things…each begin with self….

One must take the actions…steps in oneself…and then it moves forward…..

You really cannot ask someone for something or to do something if one is not willing to do it themselves…

And that is the elephant for me sitting in the middle of the room…

I see shows which speak…and studies stating..we are not meant to be monogamous…that we have the inability as a society to stay committed to each other…

They say we just have to roam…

In my view through a recent discovery…I still state it is a choice…

Most things boil down to choice…

How much do I want this…?

In a relationship we all see and have things that need mending…response..

Yet how is it that I can ask another for proof they are committed to me…on a daily basis…and why do we act so…?

Could it be that we are flim…flam…?

Only committed if the other shows some sort of commitment…

Only committed if it meets a certain…check this box criteria….

And why are we so easily derailed from our commitment according to someone else…?

How do we go from..I will work this job…go to school or special training…build up this home and life we share…to…

Ready to believe the worst…consider it all a sham…throw in the towel and state levels of deserving…based on how another acts…?

Does that not show our commitment level…?

Yes someone may be wavering..or flat out not committed…

But how is that changing our trajectory for the places we want to go…places we want to see….

How does…I will work this job…finish this education…because I want to go to Italy…and pursue a space I have holding in….

To…

Okay I will work 2 jobs…go to school…and save up…for…

Maybe you will like me…be present with me…help you buy a bigger television…cause the 50 inch one is not quite big enough….I cannot quite see the nose hairs on the person 3 people behind the main lead….

How does…and why does another step away…lack of follow through…now make me…not follow through and compromise my dream…my desire…my life I wish to see in technicolor…

WHY…?

Does it show their lack of…or mine…?

I will say mine…

I make the choice to say…when another does something I find…fluctuating…

OH…there are other fish in the sea…I will find a better one….

I am the one to say…I will back off of loving…pursuing a heart…loving a heart because they are not acting right….

I will bury my dream…in a black plastic bag…shoved in the back of the closet deep…

And say…money money money is what I want…

So do I have the ability to keep my eyes focused on one person…and commit through it all…

OR…

Do I choose to open the periscope and look about matey….

It boils down to one thing….

And always will…

How committed am I to self…..?

Am I valuable…?

Am I worthy…?

Do I understand the premise…

If I cannot keep the commitment to me…follow through…speak..direct my attention away from all the fluff…focus myself down to value…

Then I can never commit myself to another…

And that just aint the hunk..or the beauty queen…we all think our partners are…

It is our children…our employer…our parents…our friends…our siblings..our co-workers…

It is the life which surrounds us…

If I cannot do me….

I cannot do you…

 

The difference….

•March 28, 2015 • 1 Comment

I expect no one to agree with me….

Perhaps that is why I can speak about certain subjects and carry on in my faith…my knowledge…

I am a super big fan of cooking shows that are competitions….

Chopped….the show makes you register…what am I doing….not everyone else….what have I learned in this journey…and age has no bearing on anything…it is simply a number….

Because my sons at early ages taught me so many things…

Eyes pointed to the sky…saying why….?

And I learned to answer why….and there is an answer….

The answer is not forthcoming…when we decide to not answer..too much work…

So years ago…when I stood knee high to a grasshopper…I figured something out…

And at 52…I see it clearly through a learned heart…

There is abuse done to a person….

And there is participating in abuse….

We tend to bracket those abused into two spaces…from being abused…

They will either become abusers…OR…they will be abused forever….

And I believe both are viable choices to the person…

It matters on what you believe and what you choose to become…

I saw my siblings and myself live through horrific abuse…

I watched all of us…sort it out…

Two brothers became abusers…

Anger is a huge factor in that…

And anger is something that should not be seen as a negative…

Unless it allows you to risk a human life….which they both did…

One recovered…made peace…and then was murdered…

One lost everything…and became part of the scenery…

Which is better….?

Some say my oldest sister…became an abuser…I am going to have to highly disagree with that….

She was hard to be around at times.. aren’t we all….but she was a huge soul full of love….

She did not abuse after living through our childhood and all the other abuses this world said…Hey…lookie here…fresh meat…

She simply did not know what to do…and was lost…

And for that…and she became my mother…I hold her close to me always….

Yet as this story continues I see something…

There are so many people so mad at parents…siblings..partners…

And there is a valid time for that….maybe years…because in that one fights for self…and as I have said to many before…you are priceless…a gem…and aint nothing can change that…

yet when you take situations and/or abuse and use it as a vehicle to abuse…

Well there is a problem…

And when you continue it down the line….

May God have mercy on your soul….may this universe have more compassion than I can give at this moment…

I am working on it…

But I have seen too many…way too many of the abusing the child…

Being sexual with your child…blaming it on…lets see…

Your partner does not give you enough sex…alcohol…drugs…you name it I have heard it…

And you pretend like you do not know what you are doing…

Sure…about that…?

So why you numbing…going to another place…?

Unless this place is…well…not making you feel so peachy about self….

And the saddest part about this abuse is teaching the child…this is what you do…

It is bad enough…sad enough…knowing a parent has been sexual with a child…

Yet what is really sad..is the adult child now continuing to be sexual with the parent…and being in a competition with another on a sexual level….

And I see it enacted every day….

And when you see it and your chest tightens…and you want to vomit…

Trust it….

Speak what has to be spoken…

Because it needs to come out of the dark corridors we keep it locked in…under some pretense of show…

It does not take long after speaking or observing those in these situations…to see something peculiar…

And people…stop trying to please…and make sure everyone likes you…

Very few people will like you….hold them close…cause they love you….those who will speak truth through love…

Because as we have seen…it goes down the chain…

And all we have to do is look about…at what is happening in this world…and cringe…

Because we have been silent…afraid of stepping on anyone’s toes…

Seriously….

Yesterday….Friday…at the age of 52…I spoke about it again…

And my voice still quaked…it shook and my voice got all gummy…

And something was said…from a man…(and I smile as I typed that)…because I have not met many quality men…yet I know they are out there..all over the place…

Because the one speaking is quality….

He said…you speaking…not being silent…fighting…being emotional…being alive will give another and another and another…and another…the ability to speak…

And that takes the silence and the shroud of misery off of it…

And as the group of young people I was present in…it gave me great hope…

Because…they now know…

There aint no truth in abuse…everything is lies and hate…it says nothing about you…and the beautiful creation you are…

And when you hit that….DING…..DING……DING…..

You have killed it…

And there aint nothing better than knocking abuse in the ass…all the way down the block…and then some…

In closing…

Young ladies…do not keep playing the game of sexual conquest with you and your dad…and your mother..or his girlfriend…

And young men…hitting a woman..controlling her…will not bring you peace…and it will not bring you self control…

They did not take anything from you when they abused you….

They only got you..when you let them…well..win…and believe you are….

Damaged…so you need them to fix you…

Dirty…so lets keep playing in the crap puddle…

Ugly…and how fortunate they want to be next to you…

Stupid…because you can barely tie your shoelaces…

I will be 90…if I have the privilege of living such a full life…

The one sticking out my tongue….

Going Nah Nah Nah….

Because baby….I done good….I done good…

And so did you…

 

 

 
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