Perfection….

•August 29, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I paused today…after many readings…thoughts given by those who came before me…those present in this time…and voices of those who come after me…
And I thought ..why do we say we are not perfect beings…?
Why can we not muster the words that within creation we are made perfectly..without blemish…does it speak of vanity to say I am of the Divine…?
Or are we perhaps not willing to look at what we have allowed ourselves to become…
What we have made important…
What consumes us daily..every second of time…
What we have dirtied ourselves with…
So we are unable..in that moment to see how perfect we are…
Do we not see how we have polluted ourselves…and then try to clean it up..with more pollution…
We spend a lifetime trying to awaken…
To what…?
What we already are…
But we want to believe that we are something else…
I am a perfect creation…
I have chosen at times in my life to dirty this being..to believe other voices over my own…
I am not flawed..mistaken ridden…imperfect or unstable…
I only become those things in a twisted reality..when I listen to the voices that tell me..I need repairing..or tell me what I should find important…
Then I am stained…and once you allow that..you can and just might spend a lifetime trying to repair something…and hiding your trueness..
I spent a lifetime apologizing for my existence…my breath..my voice…
Not anymore…
If I shake you up..good..if I rattle you to your bones..good…
It is not me who needs to silence myself to make you steady..or comfortable…
Dare if you may…to listen to a voice that no longer believes in the lie that I am not of the Divine..that I am not broken..that I am beautiful…and that I was placed within this life..this frame..to do outstanding things…
And not one of them is to waste my time..feeding a lie..
I am perfect..and I divine creation..equipped with everything I need…
Not sustained by likes..and gadgets to value my importance…
It is the simple fact that I am Awake…and I have trusted within the depths of me…not outward like some dress I wear to impress…

 

Refusing to go quietly away into the night……

•August 25, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I guess in some way…I should tuck tail and go quietly into the night. Something each person who has been knocked about hears….”be quiet or I will ruin you”…pardon me&#…

Source: Refusing to go quietly away into the night……

Refusing to go quietly away into the night……

•August 25, 2016 • 1 Comment

I guess in some way…I should tuck tail and go quietly into the night. Something each person who has been knocked about hears….”be quiet or I will ruin you”…pardon me…but I cannot be silent. Every time I think of doing this, being silent…I great surge fills my heart, like a fire hose placed in my heart and the valve is released. Someone out there needs to read these words and know it is not them..it is the one knocking them around…over and over again…someone out there needs to see that one who is intelligent as I am…fell for it..

And it has nothing to do with intelligence or smarts or good skills…yet has everything to do with…you being so pure and so beautiful…being sought out by pure evil…

No matter how many discussions I have on this subject..me and others have never found a more apt label for it other than pure evil…and evil it will always be…and the reason you did not see it and really thought this person dug you…swooned over you…was because they are evil and you cannot even comprehend doing this to another being…and even now..as you are dripping blood from your wounds..you have no desire to hurt this other person…all you want is to make it stop…and have an answer for WHY?

Bad news first…you will not have an answer to that…not the answer you want…to be perfectly honest…that would be an apology..an admittance of wrongdoing…

Nah aint gonna happen…the only answer you will receive is along these lines….

You great supply…you are kind and gentle and sweet…and have life oozing from every pore…your beautiful…a great cook…loving, kind, dynamic in so many ways…

And that makes you oh so tasty to Narcissists….HSP’s…who have gone bat shit crazy…Sociopaths…Psychopaths…

Because you are everything they refuse to be…note the word Refuse…They can be good…but have refused…and besides that would take an unearthing of their dark soul and a good long look in the mirror…and shucks..who wants to do that…that means accountability…compassion…BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to them…why bother…chewing the meat off your bones is so much more fun…

Letting you know they have had anal sex with many men..unprotected…and women do not have hairy butts makes sex with you so much better….has such an extra punch…while your having sex…or sharing a moment…and you start counting the times you have had sex with him…while trying to monitor the vomit crawling up your throat…and the screams of anguish…that your soul has no words for…makes it all the more fun…

Interesting how when you asked questions about past lovers…they lied…shocking and failed to mention…little facts like…”well…I started my pedophile career about the age of 9..in the locker room..when my parents signed me up for swimming…because I had the perversity of a wandering eye…and my parents provided me with meat…rough but true…but hey I was just following in my parents footsteps of perversity…why break tradition…right?

Because if they told you truth…you would not be there…would you…and silence the voice…that says..well it would be someone else..yes it would…but that is not your fight..sweetheart…Karma has a way of taking care of things…

Amazing how you see his daughter waggle her tits..and bend over in front of daddy and turn and smile at you…while her daddy is remembering the last time he well…did her…his daughter…or failed to mention…oh by the way…her son is my grandson/son….let that sink in…and we are all awaiting to see what the next child looks like…so is Social Services…

Understand why you stayed…why you returned…

None of this would ever occur to you on any level…not even on your base level…that is why you were chosen..for that reason…they do not choose randomly…they pick those who love with all of them…(i know, you do not feel so loving right now. But you will..you are protecting yourself now…good…)..

You are incapable of grasping this in any way…because of how wonderful you are…what an amazing creature you are..and their purpose..sole focus..is to destroy you..make all that disappear…till you are a carcass on the ground..lost forever…and they are full..sort of till the next supply is around…and honey they have a second and a third and maybe a fourth..the whole time they are with you…

Remember the silent treatment…? when you could not figure out…what you did…so you tried everything to get them to like to you again..not to make you feel like you were not worthy to exist…and when they have achieved that…well bingo..goal is met…

The whole schematic is doubt and destruction…walking on eggshells…questioning yourself all the time…isolation…depriving you of affection….doing things you would never do…but you will do them..to make this thing like you again…

I know..been there…

I was there…2 years…out of my mind..doing the dance…left…and should have left differently…but I trusted people who were doing the same shit to me…they just had a prettier format…backdrop…

Came back after 6 weeks..was homeless…and believed his lying email…and by the way..I was the one to break the silence…and NO…I will not beat myself up…I loved..he vomited…end of sentence…

After another year…just about..I left again…and they know when you are leaving…and they do not like it…they like to discard you…because then you will come back…and if they are older..they probably are far from pretty and shiny…and their ability to get source is greatly decreased…so they need you…cause you are bright..pretty…and shiny…

This time..the police stood by and watched…and please do not get me started on that…

And watched and chatted with him…and agreed with him…I was stealing…

And he was as nice as he could be…wanted to help…and when I refused his help I was scolded by the police…now I understand the condition of this world and what is happening…

After I got everything out..the police left…he was so nice…offered to give me his life blood if I wanted it..pleaded with me to stay…

And I saw something…that will be with me..even into this next life…I saw ME..and what I really was…

I saw my eyes…blue like the turquoise sea…alabaster skin…glowing with fireflies…blond hair(which is growing again)…devastating smile..that lights up the darkest corners…hands that are strong..that cared for 4 babies…all by myself…and moved mountains that day..and the healing abilities I carried through those fingers…and the work I had already done and was going to do…

Empathy..that had tears running down my cheeks at the loss of our humanity and understanding where it had gone to…yet feet..which at one time ran…but this time stayed glued to the truck edge when he offered me his hand in need..and his want to keep me present…and legs which had walked from there to the other side of the world that day…and still could scale a mountain…and would be there for those who truly needed me and had no voice or no one to speak for them…

And this brain…that cooks food…with brilliance and taste…slap you silly taste…designs and sews with such beauty..you did not know such things existed…intelligence to conquer any thing I confronted..problem solver..solution maker…at my finest…

And I saw my heart…oh the majestic being that I am…how deeply I love..how profoundly I give of myself…how lovely I am..and how lovely you are…and what beauty we can give each other…

But not in that…

And I saw the reason his family talked smack about me…but never confronted me…they did not want to deal with him themselves…so they made me…deal with it…and they did what cowards do..talk smack…

Two weeks out…not sleeping the best..but did not do that well there…finding my space in the bed…hogging the covers…realizing it is okay to sleep and rest…and do not have to build a moat around me…for protection…

Hungry as hell..I have not wanted to eat in 4 years..cannot remember the last time my stomach growled…but it does now…and no bloating…or gassy..or strange digestive issues…my body is leveling out…

Standing tall…all of my 5’9″ frame on display…head held high…remembering these shoulders and the the tattoos that speak about me…have my voice with them…

Running again…climbing stairs…watching at 52..my stature…endurance and strength come back to me in a windfall…you think I was 25…

And slowly but surely..every day..I am seeing me…beyond all the lies..hocus pocus…gibber and jab…it is a few peeks here and there..but it is showing itself…I have been lost for a number of years…but with all the butterflies and dragonflies swooning around me…I think I will figure it out…and my hawk..has followed me to my new home…and drops a feather or two..and calls so my eyes go upward to the magical skies…and I remember…

Yes I am timid..in ways…but there is a lion behind that…

My teachers and some classmates have noted to me of the timidness…and have encouraged me to roar…because I am beautiful…and have so much greatness about me…and they would know..they themselves are great…

And I continue forward..detoxing…healing..going on..stepping back…waiting…asking…crying..pursuing…and it will take time…

And I know I am healing great chasms in me…a man talked to me the other day…told me something funny and I laughed so hard I snorted…and I smiled…

And not for a second..did I believe I needed to cover my mouth..or look down…or wrap my arms across my chest…or apologize for not being something…

And as I walked away…I thought…looking up into the sky…

How long has the sky been this blue….?

And again…I smiled…

 

 

 

Things I learned by watching The Walking Dead

•May 16, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Okay enough with the groans….

Sometimes there are reasons to watch some of these shows….even the show the Bachelor…

Hey worst case scenario…you learn what “not to do”

Things I learned from The Walking Dead

  1. Forgiveness is impossible….

I have tried..and those who know me..know my persistence…my endurance…

I have attempted in many ways to forgive my father for his sadist approach to child rearing…no matter how many times I speak love into the air…and say…it is okay…he was just troubled and true love would….LET IT GO….(most hated words in the English vocabulary)…I drive myself into a tank filled with piranhas…the more and more I try to make ugly pretty…the more and more I set myself up…and my world is filled with versions of my father and get to spend every minute of every day…bandaging myself…cleaning up way too big piles of crap…and revisiting my father making babies with my sister…his daughter….

The more and more I play in a sandbox that this did not exist…the more and more I bring my father home and play house with him…and the less and less I have compassion for my sister and dump it on my father….the least deserving of any being I know of…

I know I can hear it…I have said it myself…If I do not forgive..it will destroy me..make me bitter..make me live a life of regrets…

Well Sunshine..I am about to burst the bubble…the only things…and the only things that have ever made me bitter and full of regret…was trying to forgive someone…or eek forgiveness out of someone…who spends a lifetime of exploitation of the human soul…who has no intention…no matter how you try to dress it up…to ever stop…

Pause for a second…how many times…as you attempt to forgive(which translates into forget…and look the other way sweetie while I screw your child)…how many times have you encountered the same scenarios…with different names…of those things…you are trying to or think you have LET GO?…like everyday…yeah..I figured so…

How many things do we have stuffed in a closet…tucked under a pillow….that keep us from taking that job…speaking those words…looking past the big monster we let run our lives…because we are trying to forgive….and the problem always comes back to us..it is our issue….we must make it right…or…

Heaven is taken away from us….

God will not like us…

We will only be forgiven if we forgive…

Well here goes….

I do not believe in heaven….or hell…heaven is right here in this moment…but we find it difficult to grasp because we cannot appreciate much..we spend all of our days numbing ourselves so everything does not sting so much…and all our energy goes to tearing ourselves down…rather than complain…and that complain is put in for a dear friend of mine…we should complain..loudly…about those things that happened that conditioned us to move in with a person who insults you…yet run from the one who brings you daisies….the one who tells you insults are just jokes….and geez…aren’t you just a bit thin skinned? There is where we stay…hunkered down…being told..we over react…too emotional…and hey loosen up….Damn I missed that seminar…

God will not like us….

Oh boy…well maybe I do not like a god…who tells me…to ignore knowledge…makes me choose between being a brain dead follower…cooing over all the wonderful garden of hospitality I should kiss its feet for..rather than thinking on my own…and seeing what deserves my mercy and what does not…

And as a side note…my father does not deserve my mercy…when I gave it to him..it lead me down the pathway into the arms of another man who had sex with his daughter and made a baby….geez any connection…? And neither does my ex husband…and you know who you are snookums…if I had forbidden him mercy for his abuse…perhaps I would not have 4 sons who all abuse…geez..I wonder where they learned that?

Perhaps they would be walking in the sunlight I just recently found…

And no I do not have to forgive me…

I followed the patterns I had been taught….and I have untaught myself…and my diligence and persistence is what did it…no poetic musical about forgiveness…or the mercies that unfold when I forgive….

I will only be forgiven when I forgive…

Only works if you believe it…truth not packaged in sparkly paper…but true…

Its like believing I am only good for…well…you fill in the word…something..one of the things my father told me…and I believed…

Then I stopped believing it….and surprise…my body became beautiful and sacred…and powerful…

Apply it to everything in your life…only holds power if it feed it power…and it is liberating…quite the feminist statement there….

So I will complain about what my father and ex-husband did and my sons…and I will not place it on me…stroking the ego of another…taking the blame for their actions…I know what I did as a child..parent..wife…and it damn well aint a thing I need forgiveness for…quite possibly a medal…but then I may look a bit smug…and I am far from that….

2. Everything can change…but choice is involved….

You got to want different…if not..it perpetuates the same…repeat..repeat…and stop complaining….cause when we get to the point of wanting change…we are in full on denial that anything needs changing and we think WE can change another….

Nope..they must want change…

Which brings me to my 3rd point…

3. People will not stop doing what they do…how they live their life…patterns…until they feel there needs to be a change…even if it kills people…or maims them…

The Walking Dead gives many examples…because the Walking Dead is not about Zombies….not a second of it…

4. The ability to do..be..create…what you want…is staring you back from the mirror…

It holds no secret codes…or chants…only awareness

The one thing we have tucked away..hidden under the bed…with the dust balls…hidden in someones angry words…cause they see you slipping away from them…tucked in the layers of color you smile at…on top of all those things you have been called…

Hidden under lock and key of the life you have been told you cannot have…

Not until you forgive…

And lets not forget…forget…

Honor a god who demands utter obedience or death…death would be a better ride…

Languish our days away hoping that all the crap we were told that makes our heart hurt..well is truth…like heaven is for those who blindly follow…are white…and never think an ugly thought….

Spend our days enacting criminal acts to ourselves…in hopes the pain goes away and my god…I can forgive…

Well here’s to The Walking Dead….

Thank you Rick for showing me…once a cheater..always a cheater….even if you said I do to them or they were your best buddy since elementary…

And thank you Maggie for showing me…that it stings forever when you loose a good person…when they are mowed down by well crap…(remember I am playing nice)…

Thank you Darryl for showing me…that you are not what happened to you…it does not have to rule your life…you can be pissed off forever…(its how you keep the fools out)…and you are what you decide to be…and it does take a minute to get past the grime covering your eyes….

Thank you Carol for showing me that one can wake up…and be one strong woman…and still dismantle at losing your child…or thinking…I would just like to make dinner now…

Thank you Carl for showing me it is okay to grow up…and know more than the adults…and one can use that knowledge to not repeat well crap…

Thank you for this show…for showing me…

That I am not one of the Walking Dead…

And do not have to wait for one day someone will shower me with mercy the day this physical body stops going…or not give me mercy and allow me to be the dead..Walking Dead…

Because I control this…now and forever…and if I want the change..I want the light to come on…its all in my hands…

Aint nobody controlling the dials..but me…

I walked away from my father at 15…

I walked away from a 20 year marriage…and life is pretty damn sweet…I want for nothing….

I walk away from many things…

And…

When I think I am lost..alone…up the creek without a paddle…

I realize I have more paddles that REI…more maps and directions than the Great Atlas…I realize I have more confidantes and cheerleaders I ever thought existed…

Thank you The Walking Dead….

You made me realize…their aint no man who knows best for me…damn they can barely keep their head above water…

I know best for me…

And when I turn myself over to this world…

I am the Walking Dead….

And will someone make sure to shoot me in the head….cause that is the only way that nightmare will end…

 

 

Sacred Sage and Botanical Bundles

•April 26, 2016 • Leave a Comment

These organically grown mountain botanical bundles are hand wrapped and filled with good energy for spiritual cleansing and blessing. Each smudge is made with sage, cedar, lavender, lilac, and lich…

Source: Sacred Sage and Botanical Bundles

Tragedy..Confusion and Pain…

•January 20, 2016 • Leave a Comment

The pain of living the hidden life….FAILURE…

Not falling down and screwing something up…

Not something you can mop up…

Not something you can spread air freshener on and hope the smell dissipates…

But true failure….

Failure for compiling a lie to cover a lie..to cover the drink..to cover the indiscretion…to cover the blow..the punch..the “I did it because I really love you”…

I am wondering..if people actually love anymore…

Do we have any idea the real intended…meaning of love…

It in all honesty is starting to fade away for me…

Like some great event..like WWI…like did it ever happen?

Knowing full well it did happen..the lives won..the lives lost..

I wonder if we can comprehend..the cost of our actions…

Do we understand great quotes such as…

“The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil…but by those who see evil and do nothing about it”

Albert Einstien

Do we not understand…that we cannot flirt with deviancy and perversion…and then throw our clothes in the machine using stain spotter….and imagine they come clean…

It is us..who are stained..

And yet we ask others to be blemished for us…when they fight the tidal wave of horrors..we dump into their hearts..minds..beings…

How have we become so putrid…

That we betray a soul..over a boy or girl liking us…or a cell phone..or a pair of shoes…

Or am I thin enough…jacked up enough…do you believe my lies…

We wonder why are there so many wounded…?

Why do we enjoy shows like the Walking Dead….

Because we are the walking dead….

Why do we worship the movie star..or the girl who uses her sex to play her daddy…

These we give props to…

But we yell and condemn..the person on the corner..trying to gather..the last shred of hope within them..that tonight..please oh please..will be there last..

To ask others to endure our filthy views of them…

To speak filthy..to lie about another to suit our story of repetitive hate..we live by…like a code…of dishonor…

My heart tires by repeating the same thing…

And others tell me to run for the hills….

But reality now shows me…there is no safe space….

I must learn to endure..the burning of my soul…

So you…can have your I Phone to snuggle with..while everyone burns around you…

And you use them as a heat source….

 

•December 22, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Being thankful for having another in your life..by your side…

Is way different than just having someone in your life…

Who has nowhere else to go…

And in all honesty…

You would prefer they were not around you…

Be thankful…

That you have the discretion…the heart movement..

To have good souls in your life…

Rather than a warm body…

And you can be at peace..

To stand alone…

Rather than fill the room…

With…vampires…

Who will hide your view…

To see the true soul…

Who only asks that you smile…

 
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