Infinite Potentiality….

•March 4, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I am wrestling with myself….something much harder than an opponent….

Because I can talk myself through a dance….better than the tango…with just the right dress….

What I am capable of doing…has no limits…

Yet this physical body has limits…

And that is where most stay trapped….

How can I say this….

Even though I do not like it…I make the dance with the devil by my hand…

I keep the things alive…

I believe people when they tell me…this is this and that is that….

If I spend my time courting another who complains and is wanting to be pissed off…what do you think I am going to get….

Pissed off and complaints…

Everything and I mean everything…down to the most kindest, generous act will be seen as bad…in the receiver…

It will be locked and loaded in…never enough….

And I decide to stay there…

To believe an utter lie about myself….and…the infinite potentiality is there…making pissed off and complaining….

I started by being the supportive listener…I mean that was kind and right…RIGHT?

Nobody wants to hear, you do not listen to me…you are never there when I need to talk, or vent…

So tell me, why are we to be there…?

Be the listening ear…the consoling soul….?

What demands on us are being spoken that we are adequate unless we listen with bright eyes and the nodding of the head, how troubled all this is…

Did I sign a contract…?

NO….

It is the myth…the falsehood that states I am nothing unless I lay myself on the alter and play the misery game with you…..

And then I am astounded when misery upon misery is in my life….where I am so depressed…and holding onto those moments…rare indeed…where positive words are spoken….

And what will happen if we stop listening..?

HUH…

Stop listening and nodding our head in agreement…that all is lost….

What will happen….

I cannot say for sure….because I am so used to playing the scapegoat and the feel sorry for you, but I do know this….

The world will not end….

The clouds will not fall into the sea….

I will not be beaten and hurt…except by my own heart….

Because I do know this…

Once I step away…

I am in full light….and all that I pushed away from self…will be available…

And part of that course is a mantra…a quote…an affirmation…an inner dialogue…

Placed in gratitude…

Being thankful for even the slightest thing…

Today it was the sweatshirt I am wearing…and there I stopped…

That person(s)…who used you as a punching bag will no longer be able to do that…and honestly if they go to another, do we really mind?

We do if we believe that we are a punching bag…

Things will change…stay the course….

Because deep down…under the clothes you wear…the sweatshirt…the pants…

You really want different…even if it terrifies you at this moment….

If that is a lie…

You would not be the one..lifting your eyes to the heavens…tears running down those cheeks…asking for the glimmer of hope…and the piece of direction…

Some want to sit in the sandbox eating turds decorated as Tootsie Rolls….

Something tells me different…

It tells me…the same about me….

I want different….

That is why I am stomping my feet…hands over my ears…..singing….na na na…I will not hear you….

And thus…it ceases to exist….

It is not easy work….hardest work I have ever done….

But all it takes is the one time…you say no…maybe mocked for being Sunshine Sue…your sleep taken from you…and you sitting in a puddle of complain vomit…

That eating turds…is making me sick…

Purposeful Forgetting….

•February 28, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I am going to sound like a KNOW IT ALL…..

And in this instant…I am….

Because I got me down….I will describe the situation….

52 year old Italian Irish woman….

Was married for near 20 years….

Created the four loves of my life….with a man…I love today and could have done a much better job at being married to….

But I had to be in the misery tank…of poor me….

And in knowing “this” sort of thing….I will give myself a wee break…

I had some pretty severe crap go down in my early years…and not knowing better…I let them rule my life….and then many others….

If I had decided to wonder why….well….

I might very well be in the “situation” I am now….(which is not bad)….

Yet what if I decided to stop listening to this world…which has no ones best interest…and pay attention to my soul…had courage….

What if I had paid attention….

To my father…after 4 years of freedom…walking down the street towards me…and I bolted to safety….

What if I had the conversation with him…in full view…not in private and then ended it in peace…

What if I had paid attention that my brother was murdered…and I never mourned him…until a number of years ago…

Damn right now as I wrote this…burning tears fill my eyes…you know the ones that make your nose burn…due to holding them back….

What if I had paid attention to the man I married upon first meeting that was in a club…drunk…and insulting…(and if he ever reads this, I mean no insult or offense)…I am stating how we mimic our parents…and think we in the clear…(because that is not us speaking)…its recorded tapes….

What if I had paid attention to the four sons I had been blessed with….

Did not my point of origin of pain…come from a man…my father…and here was opportunity after opportunity to deal with it…

And each and every one of those boys…loved on me like there was no tomorrow…even their daddy…did so…

I can still hear the words of beautiful…like they are looking into my eyes right now…

And damn those burning tears are here….but this time they fogging up my glasses…

And I on purpose forgot all those things and requested continual lessons in abuse…and it came in every male creature I met….probably why I never had male dogs…just female…so as to avoid the mother issue of abandonment all together…

And in this revolution…to put me front and center….a good thing…

I have to pay attention to things…

Like I have to take something to sleep….

WHY?

Because rest was not allowed…it was danger to be in a non aware state….

Yep I am 52….

What if I am being abandoned because someone wants to sleep….

Yep I am 52…

What if I am not asked to perform…to prove my value as a woman…because we all know it is validated…in this world by certain things I can do..and how sexy I can be…getting my sexy on…

Yep I am 52…

So years of purposeful forgetting me…sent me here…

A course in EMDR therapy…EFT…aka Tapping…riding the wave through it dredging up the things it is supposed to…

PROCRASTINATION….

RESISTANCE…..

FLAMING ANGER…..

Riding the wave like a pro…and I have never set foot on a surfboard….

yeah…you could say…I got reasons to be angry…shut down…piss all over people…

Yet I might disagree….

I have not one solitary reason…not one….not even a “but”…

Not even a scratch on my finger…a stub of my toe….

I am going to keep doing what I am doing…

Dredge it up…process it…ride the wave of anguish that flows over me…and let it abate…because we have to feel the lies we have been feeding ourselves covered in sweet cream…for them to go away…

And then tuck it away…

And Purposefully Forget…

Because I aint what anyone says I am…not even me…

I am that woman…my four sons…and their daddy said…is beautiful….

And time to stop defending the worst…

And purposely forget..everything…but me…

And not change the names..so as to not appear to have any similarities to real situations…lives or characters…

People…when you see people drowning…you got to pull them out….you got to…

 

 

Non Allowance….Allowance….

•February 27, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I will do most about anything….

To keep myself from doing what my being…my innate being knows to do….

I will squelch any thought…step…impulse…any action…to keep myself here….

In this familiar space…this known…which is actually…a bunch of memetics…learned and accepted behavior…which is actually the death of me….

Rather than…write…

When the impulse strikes me…

Rather than write….

And keep a note pad close….so as to never capture…that oh so perfect thought…attitude…description….

Rather than cook….experiment…

And hear the call of spices and odd meats(in my definition)…

Rather than cook….

Fine tuning my skills…and entertaining that a woman…of a certain age..is allowed to well be a chef…

Nah….I practice the fine art of NON……ALLOWANCE….

And my oh my…it is a walk in the park….

I only allow myself….and I see others do the same…

To be successful in the ways our parents were not….

You read that right….

That is what a lot of us do….

And I am including myself as one of the bananas in the monkey bunch….

My father was abusive…a drunk…a looney….

I did not have a mother….at least not one that I knew…

So…I went polar opposite…

Which actually means we end up doing these things we try to avoid…and/or had done to us…or exampled….

I was gonna show him…and this damn universe for setting me up with this fool…

I made sure..I was so non abusive…I became excessively passive….a doormat….

And at times I do not think you could register me as even a doormat….

At least a doormat will occasionally bristle when the heavy boots are wiped upon it….

Made sure I had no addictive behaviors…I am giggling here….

Did not drink…scorned it….

Resisted any assistance in pain…even during surgeries like babies born….

Damn I was stronger than some gaping wound….

You with me….?

Became so non emotional…so cold….

So as to avoid looney….

That one could…freeze ice on my ass….you have heard that before….

And all in all…I refused to allow myself to be successful in myself….

I only allowed myself to be successful the way my parents were not….

Here is how we do it now….

Your parents have a child..that either one or both did not want to have…but they have the child….because it is what one is supposed to do…when you marry or get a partner…

And then you raise the child out of bitterness….not because you are a cold heart scum bag….

But because this is not what you wanted….then you do all those things your parents did horribly…and you swore you would never do…

Like drink…drug…sex…work…money gods…accumulation gods…

All those things your parents do…and you thought were not so good…

I mean you would never say that crap to your kid…

So this child you have…grows up…distorted…always feeling like it was not wanted…one has been tolerated….

So they decide…I will show my parents….(not a conscious, verbal thought)…and make a baby…with the most available tenant…

And they spend their days…seeking approval from the parents they swore…they were not going to be like….

Aaah…this is getting juicy….

Or they could do what I did..which was have baby after baby…hoping this one would make happiness appear…like Sunbonnet Sue….

We marry early….to show our parents…we got this…and we aint got this….

We have the career…they could not succeed at….but you do…cause it looks good on paper….

Nothing keeps you company…on a cold night…than a BMW in the driveway and a frosty one…after…your love has told you to take a hike….now does it….

We enter relationships…by being fooled…and spend many precious years convincing ourselves…we are crazy…

We did not hear what we did…they did not mean to hit me…they did not mean to deceive me…hide from me…it is all my fault…

We spend all our time trying to fix them…through slicing and dicing ourselves….

Which of course…allows me to never look at what I want in this life…

Even to sit and mourn…anger…grieve that what I presently have…I do not want….

So as I watch myself…banging my head on the same door…

I realized as I found anything and everything else to do…than what…?

LIVE….

Yet…I stepped into allowance….

Because I am writing this….and earlier I wrote pages…and had not a moment of censoring….

And I hope that place does not call…the job I am supposed to have….

Because it will force my hand….

And make me fight for what I want…

And dig under that bed…and pull out those VHS tapes…and the dust bunnies…and that sweater…I thought was so cute….

And say….

I FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I did…Majestically….over and over….

But today…I did not….

not in this moment…..

Not as my hands run over these keys….and I do not wonder what you think….

Or what will someone else think…that I did not earn loads of cash today…or clean 500 things…or finish that thing I am supposed to do…

I was and will be as the night falls….

I AM….

I heard this through Wayne Dyer….

And he said it like this….

I AM THAT, I AM

Inhale…say I Am…and fill the That with what you are….pause…that is what the comma is for…and then exhale saying I Am….

Inhaling making a true statement…..and exhaling it back to God…the Universe….what you call it…

Focusing on what you are….

And not on…what you gonna show them….how you gonna do it so much better….

Because honestly they thought the same thing about their parents….and about you….

And they did the best with the knowledge they had…just like you…

So what you going to do with the truth now….?

 

Breathing in…

•February 23, 2015 • 1 Comment

I just finished watching the movie….“The fault in our stars”…

And as I toddled off to bed…after weeping my way through many a tissue…

Many books and affirmations I have read…professed something that referenced life received….and the point of capture…

Many of the enlightened age believe we create illness in our bodies…and for the most part I am of that thought…

I believe also that we each come into this life…this form..to learn what we are to learn…

And if we choose to not learn it..it repeats..recycles into another life we choose…to learn that THING….

In many thought…the believe of having cancer resonates with resentment..deep seated resentment…and/or a form of self hate…

And as one sees cancer manifest it seems to be filled with revenge..hate…grinding its teeth in anticipation of getting even…

And I never understood it in children…

Until this moment tonight…

Just because someone is young does not mean they are not here to learn something…make right something…figure something out to peace….

It is just easier to handle in older people…sort of…

It has been in the line of thought…that those who have an illness…cancer in the lungs…

Have difficulty taking in life and are resisting….taking in life….

My father died of lung cancer…and I know deep within me…it was not from the cigarettes he smoked…if so all his children would have lung cancer…because it was a smokehouse…in my neck of the woods…

Yet he did struggle greatly in being alive and allowing others to have life…

And those who know me…know my history of my father….

In the movie….lovely Hazel Grace…what a name you say…

Had lung cancer and fought since 13…to take in breathe….the basic life component…

Your main introduction to her is one of..her words..speaking of oblivion….all is in vain…

And if I was in her shoes well….I would think the same…

And here the plot thickens…

All she hoped for…laid her sights on was love….because that would allow her to breathe…and take in this glorious life…and it is indeed glorious…

Along comes Augustus…long for Gus…

and he loves her…and she him…

Aah these young fools…what they can teach us of love…

And Augustus teaches her to breathe…and take in life…

And do things nae impossible….of course without love…

And she speaks in ways she never thought…

Walks up mountains…challenges what she is to do…and listens for the first time in a long time…

The point being…when she became so angry at being so unjustly served a pile of cancer in her wonderful life…

Thus resentment…anger..futile discussions about getting even…unjust life served to me…

She cut off her ability to breathe…

And if one cannot breathe…one eats away at self…

And love enters…in the form she desired…and breathed into her…everything life is about…

And instead of living in exasperation…and annoyance…she gave life to another…and passed it on..like a jewel found in the deepest part of the ocean…

OUR SOUL….

He dies….Augustus…ans she continues on…

And Hazel’s father says something…oh magical…and so true….

What a privilege it is Hazel..a privilege to be loved so…and to love so…what a privilege…”

My eyes weep…my head heavy with the words…I cannot utter…and try to flush out on this piece of paper….

What a privilege…to LOVE….

There is a difference….

•February 19, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I am sure as I am writing these few sentences….a bell will toll in another”s head as to…Oh my….

I being a bit timid to write about these things….decided to plunge forth anyway…

I must because I know….without a doubt…there are many more like me…swimming in this puddle of….Never being seen as doing enough….

There is a huge difference in the relationship of….

1. Trying to waddle your way through normal differences in people…the usual suspects…such as…habits and patterns that make up our life….

Example….where they like to eat…when they like to eat….which side of the bed they sleep on…routines…how the toothpaste comes out of the tube….toilet paper hanging….

AND

2. Trying to constantly find the salve for your entire body being shoved into the fiery furnaces of hell….

Example…addictions…inappropriate relationships between fathers and daughters…porn over intimacy…blaming the other for everything that goes wrong…blaming the other for keeping them from something…basically scapegoat-ism…because they really do not want to do A…B…or C….so you make the convenient fall guy…

The second relationship is the one that keeps you in a cycle of anxiety that nothing can fix…or soothe…and it is the misconception that we as women and many men are to be the caretakers..enduring..always forgiving…constantly adjusting…dancing on broken glass with bleeding feet because it brings them giggles….mentality…

That has cost way too many people in their lives….

There is a difference between quirks…habits…

AND

Moral and ethical….soul aching…behavior….

You can have someone be stressed…had a long week and need to talk..or ask for help with schedules…life issue…and talk and work through them…

OR

The blowout of knives a flying….being accused of things one cannot even think of…let alone do…or witness the sexual engagement between parent and child…have blame placed on you…for their behavior…being demeaned…shamed…and misled…

So which are you dealing with…?

And how many times have you been placed in cleaning up the vomit…and waiting it out till the next typhoon comes along…?

How many books…articles..podcast…personal stories…have you heard…that said it was your job to change…?

How many times have you been told…Forgive…Release Resentment…Change your Perspective….Look for the many ways you can see your partner as different…Understand their differences….Find a solution….

Oh yes…and do not forget SELF LOVE and SELF CARE….

Tell me…

Are any of us able even capable of simply brushing our teeth when we are in a constant state of panic….filled with remorse…for not being a loving…kind…all enduring person…?

NOPE….

And it will never happen….

You have to realize something…

We have twisted Love to fit our paradigm….

Jesus did not say…”Turn the cheek…when another slaps you on one cheek…turn and offer them the other…”so we could hand over our entire body for slaughter and immersion in filth….He said…Turn your cheek…

Jesus spoke something different in that….

Perhaps it was cast your eyes in another direction….see a new perspective…see perhaps…or I know…that you are quality…not trash…and your purpose here is not a spiritual…emotional…mental…physical punching bag…

There is difference….

And…

There is abuse…

One has a solution….

And one leaves you dead….

Teen Dating Violence Awareness~~ Comparisons

•February 19, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Originally posted on The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel:

Comparisons…
bring trouble to many every day.
For they compare they lives…
wanting to have what others say.
Wanting to have a boyfriend…
or a lovely girl to date…
not realizing the path they choose…
leads to an abusive fate.

View original 204 more words

Different than what I thought….

•February 17, 2015 • 1 Comment

Aristotle once said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

That quote hit me like a two by four today….

It is like…taking on a belief just because someone says it…

Or perceiving a situation needs YOUR attention because another will not attend to it….

And as they say….that is where the rubber meets the road….

I spend a lot of time in meditation….

Attempting to create something I do not have…eeeps…yet I actually have it…

It the attention caught up in another persons estimation of me…and that becomes my focus…

EEEPS again….

Example being this….

COMPASSION….I chant it like a railroad car chugging away…and maybe if I do it enough and release that energy out into the world through my positive vibration…I will become it….

But perhaps what I am actually hoping to accomplish is to erase the compassion in me…I know to be running over in me….and try and create it in another…EEEPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoping if they register it..say something good about it…rather than beat me into the ground with insults such as…

“Nobody is that kind”

“Your that way to get something…you have ulterior motives and they are not good”

Add in your own….please….

That I am that…only if someone has the hoopla to say it out loud….

Is that not how we spend most of our time….?

Not registering acknowledging the love…beauty…hope…affection…kindness…heart…contained within us….?

And spend most of our time…waiting for another to say we are those things…?

I am guilty…I raise my hand….

How much energy do I spend waiting for someone else with acknowledge it…?

Umm way too much…

And why is it I have to erase myself..make myself out to be a loathsome individual because another believes they are loathsome and all are loathsome….or at the bare minimum…takes it out on the safest person around….

YOU…..

And so we spend hours in meditation and chants…asking for these blessed things and wondering why they are not falling out of the sky….?

People…we already have them….

If we did not…well…

Would we be n tears or full on anger because someone said something horrible to us…or lied to us….

Do we not weep when we see one hurt…head downcast…

Do we not keep ourselves safe….and trust me..I get it…

So the one gunning for you…can only have that bullet fragment the glass and not shatter it….

Compassion…Love…Empathy…Hope…Trust…is not my problem…of not having….

I got those….

Maybe what terrifies me the most…

Is those who don’t….

And me standing in my own way of receiving the mighty abundance….just waiting on the doorstep…ringing the doorbell….thinking….maybe today she will check the mail….maybe today….

Because as long as I sit in meditation going through some chants…

And pleading with the Universe to oblige me…

It has no choice but to oblige me….

Yet eventually I will become so sodden in not seeing…feeling…the ME….

That compassion will become indifference…..like a great weight about my neck…

And the greatest crime…will be…

Indifference to self….

And that makes me weep…

 
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