Restoration

•June 19, 2017 • Leave a Comment

A word to struggle with…placed around the table with umm..yes..

Restoration is a returning to the original form..

Original meaning.. true form..thought of creation..

So if we take a home and restore it to its original form..we return it to its creation..

What was spoken and then made..for lack of a better term..

Restoration can also be explained as something being stolen from a person and now being restored back to them..

An usually this involves an act of creation..

We are all creators..especially of our world..our reality…that we try so hard to blame on others..

Yet we create the dance happening right in front of us..

And personally..I am glad I am the creator of this life..that these lips spoke from this heart and brought it forth..

And belief falls right into step with what we create..

So believing in restoration is going to have to go against the grain of the lack of belief we hold in ourselves of what we deserve..

And what we think we deserve..does influence what we think others deserve…

And we are quite good at performing a show for all the onlookers..

So I have heard a quote and a scripture where it is spoken..

All that has been taken from you, stolen and has been hidden from you will be returned to you..it will be restored”

Being one of great hope…and taking on Hope as my pen name for my writing..that has always come to me at great moments of grief..

My children have been stolen from me..

My family has been stolen from me..

My innocence has been stolen from me..

Shelter has been stolen from me..

And for many years my belief was stolen from me..

And an accurate description of my true nature was stolen from me..

Simply put..I was fed a pack of lies and deceit which made it easier to go behind my back and steal from me..because this soul..a good soul would not do that..and I would stand bewildered when I found something missing..or when there seconds before was love…and then I was met with malice..

I knew that these things would all come back to me..be restored..I just knew it..but how…?

Sort of became like the why..?

You have to leave the why..?.. alone for a few minutes to see how it would be restored.

And you have to toss away the false belief…no worries they were never yours to begin with…so take them to the dump..

So I am watching things be restored…

And anyone who is standing in my path or who is trying to stop…well reality usually gets cut off at the knees..

And it is not my hand doing it…

It is by the hand of restoration…

And that is where this quote fits in..

” Dont grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”…….Rumi

Now aint that a twister…

So I am watching restoration happen…

Any person who told me I was worth eating trash and being used as a hole and that my sons were better off having a whore as a mother..instead of me..is well really bad off..

Each and everyone who did this is battling diseases that will one day..not to far off in the future take their life in a very unpleasant way..and it is making their daily life..second by second pure and utter hell…

Unlike me..who has no illness..no disease..no nothing..in perfect health in every arena..

Restoration..

To the person who thought she would not make it out of childhood..she is now standing at 53..runs like the wind..beautiful..intelligent..healthy..and again I have a loss for words..

And with that I smile..

See I thought restoration was…having a lot of money and connections and you bought all those things that were taken away..

Nope..not even close..

I am seeing me do and have those things I was told only certain people get them..or that I had to immoral things to get them..

And those people who did the immoral things to get them..well they pretty bad off..we all know the reality of those things..

Best to stay away..got better things to do..lots of them..

Restoration..

Coming about in another form..

Hey I recognize that…

That is what…Oh I know..TRUTH..

And honey..the truth always comes out..

Right on time..

Restoration..

It has another form than bells and whistles..

And it always comes to you through the hands that have taken it…

That is the only way..restoration can work..

Restoration..a returning to the original form..original creation..

Dont grieve..

Remember what you really are..

Restoration…

60 DAYS

•June 18, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I do not have much to say…in this blog with words…

Yet I am doing twirls..wiggly giggily smiles…

Laughter that echoes about the world..

And what a perfect day for me to reach this milestone..

Could not have planned it better myself..

Thank you Universe..God..and every Love force upon this place..

I realize what…I…AM..

Its crazy people when that sinks in..

When that gets past the hard exterior we think we have to present to the world..

I present me..

And that my friends is the most amazing..stunning..brilliant light and life force…

And nothing..nothing is impossible..

Everything is POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because I AM..

I am going to let that sink in for a moment…

And the fact it is 60 days..on this day..

Fierce Love in the Shadow of Change

•June 16, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Shaheen Miro

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“Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness.”― Anne Frank

The world has gone wild, exploded with so much noise… and it has been a long time coming. The social and political climate is something that many of us have grown weary of, and for those who are sensitive to the uncertainty in the world it has become detrimental. But do not lose heart friends… you are in a storm of big, wild, life-changing magic! 

You might not see the silver lining in the chaos of the world…notably the President-elect and what that means, but there is some good to be found here.

One thing I have continually seen is that people are finding voice, and showing us who they really are. Love it or hate it… we are seeing a lot of true colors coming out of the shadows and that is the point…

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57 DAYS

•June 15, 2017 • Leave a Comment

This post is dedicated to those who life has been taken..I will not be silent..and I cannot be silenced..

The thought comes in..and I say…why am I thinking that…thought?

And if I take a mere second and stop the scolding of myself..the answer will..always does make itself known..

First, for me..the thought of some bad..uncomfortable memory shows its ugly head…

And I think..

Damn..why am I thinking that..?

Do I want to go back..NO..

Do I want to be treated like that..?

Do I want to have my ending of this life to happen now..?

Because it is that serious…and more..

And then I pause again..

A resounding NO to each..

The memory presented itself for a reason or reasons…

To remind me of what has happened and what will happen yet with more severity if I return to the abuser..

To remind me of what that person really is..

What is the quote…?

When someone tells you who they are the first time..believe them…(close enough)..

Yet even when they presented themselves…

I thought I could change them…or be the reason for the change..

So I thought…I was the one..or had some magic fairy dust…

Nope..

I cannot change them..especially when they see nothing wrong with their actions..

People would ask me that about my ex-husband…

Why does he do that…?

Because it works..

Yes, but why..does he not see the damage…that may never have a band-aid big enough…?

Yes he/she/it..sees the damage…and does not care and in many ways enjoys the damage..it completes them…

Not your love or persistence..or you being meek and forgiving..does anything for them except..give them fuel..

It works…

So back to the thought..

It comes..I welcome it to sit beside me..and show me what I need to see..

You see it is grand..wonderful that you..me..anyone wants to help another…

But does that mean you annihilate you..so they can chew on your bones…?

The memory thought…keeps me moving on..

Keeps me from picking up the phone and saying..are you doing better..learned anything..

Which a couple of weeks ago I would have thought of doing…

But now…actually no..

Why…?

What has transpired in these days turned into weeks turned into months..?

Me..

Me showing my face..me to the world..through each and every time..

A thought comes across me..

And admittedly so..the ride is a bit bumpy..and some days I have barely made it to wakefulness..and have almost..just chucked it all away and believed them..

I used to spend a great deal of time standing outside of myself..looking at me like through a pane of glass..and the view..my gosh the view was so blurry…

That was how I coped as a child and as an adult to the abuse..I believed..I deserved..

We all have a coping mechanism..

Yet not now…I am answering to myself from myself..

And I am a little confused about this feeling..

It is odd..but known..comfortable and yet I feel like I should get up and clean something..

And I am seeing what the abuser saw..and wanted all for themselves..and if they could not have it..death was their option..for me..

I am not on the outside looking in..

I am on the inside looking in..

Have not been there since I was two…and I can probably if I gave it some thought could tell you the moment..the event..that I stepped into the looking glass..

So here is the thought..

It looks at me…and plays a little game with my soul..tests me if you will..

It is a lie I say..blinders given to me..

And the thought enters and just as easily it leaves..

Let it in if you may..and then show it the door..

Never thought I would be this person..

Always thought my life was to clean up everyone else’s mess..

It is an interesting ride..trying on a lot of shoes..from heels to running shoes to flip flops..

I am not uncovering..digging up..letting go or coming into me..

I was always here..

Now it is safe..and that is such a little word to this feeling..

Nothing comes into me unless it is love..

That is why certain people are being shown the door even without me knowing it is happening..I realized it happened to me today..

It is perplexing when you realize..God..the universe..what ever is your word..has got your back..even when you do not know how to be there for you..

In comes the thought..out goes the thought..

And I am no longer a bystander to my own life..

 

 

Have you noticed..

•June 14, 2017 • Leave a Comment

They say..scientists and theorists…all great minds…

That you have 5 seconds 1..2..3..4..5.. to take action or not..?

Did you know this..

This usually shows itself when you have made a decision to change something..

Like get up earlier so you do not rush rush..

Or perhaps start a diet…I like to call it a better way of caring for my body..wonderful self care…evolving into self love..

Or perhaps start a work out program…most popular in the month of January..

Or perhaps read more than watching television..

This 5 second space way applies to everything..

And each time you roll over and shut off the alarm..or say I will do it tomorrow or even later today..you tell your brain..

Nope..not serious..do not care..and your determination and ability to do that “thing” decreases greatly..

And strength..ability..change of thought..success goes way down..way down..

If within those 5 seconds you got up out of bed..out of the chair you are sitting in..did something other than what you are doing..the chances..the statistics of success on that goal you have set before you has exponentially increased in huge success and possibility..

So it sizes up to two modes of operation that your brain functions on…

One more shovel foot of dirt in digging your own grave…or one more mile of success defined by you with huge huge possibilities and knowing of happiness..love..laughter and incredible strength..

Which would you choose..?

What do you see people choose..?

I am not a morning person..

Not fond of first shift…but my new job(which I have now been at 2 months) is a lot of 1st shift..

And I am on a regular running routine and life eating plan to come fully into this frame..this physical body of this life..

Not the one I have been told to have..or how to use..but mine..my true frame..my true face..me..

So this has required me to make many 5 second moves..

Oh, I worked 10 hours…do I go grab a burger or..do I take a run..eating properly during my work shift to be fueled and then finish the rest of my day..knowing I have eaten for me and my spectrum of life and made my body stronger and more recognizable to its original form..?

Or do I drive home, grab a beer or two or three..some chips and go plant myself in front of a television..because I sure am tired…?

I chose door number 1…

I have never chosen all of door number 2..not a drinker much or a television nut..

And I did door number 1 because I realize..I realize how precious this life is..

And I obtained that knowledge by people trying to shut me down..

Thank you to all of you who have attempted..

Lied about me..stolen my children..beaten me into submission..shamed me..treated me as a hole..and terrified me that you had power..

You all deserve what you are getting…karma..

And I deserve what I am getting…

Because when the time came for me..to make the 5 second step or not..I took it way before the 5 seconds happened..

When you were threatening me with throwing me out on the streets because I would not comply with you..and give you some…

I could have..but then I would have to have shot myself..and I would rather live whole than paralyzed by a stupid act of my hand..so I said..I am worth more than that..my body is sacred..and I cared for it..and your power to throw me out went away..

When you called my work and blamed it on another..or followed me..I thought about going to a new job..but I stayed there and got promoted..and realized…all I have to do is make a phone call..

When you threatened to take away my car so I could not work and then I would be dependent on you..I took on more hours and living off of just what was needed..(and yes it is possible and still be quite well) and paid more and more on the car so I silenced you..

And when you demanded my time and smeared me to your family..you became the fool..the court jester..

Because even though you talk ill of me…I am paying the car..paying all my bills..paying for my food..asking nothing of you..

And guess what..I got promoted again..

And I learned by using the 5 second situation..the truth about things..

I saw you roll over when the alarm went off…

I saw you eat the garbage food…cause you thought it would get my attention..

I saw you threaten me..and thought I would cave…

And closed you out of the world…

The world where people do not threaten or give excuse or blame their actions on another..

They do not say another few minutes..if..or when they act right…

They just do..

So if this is possible..

Exercise which has produced a strong body and soul..mind expansion..heart wide  open..happiness as a constant state of being..

Than anything I think..is possible..

If I can move through this hell..I can leave hell..not hell that I created..but a hell you attempted to bind me in..

5 second space..

Two choices..

Grave..or out of this universe…

Discomfort

•June 11, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I read a great quote today…

Discomfort is very much part of my master plan”  Jonathan Lethem

And then another from Buddha…

” Change is not painful, resistance to change is painful”

Oh how we try to move away from discomfort…it is like nails on a chalkboard..chewing on tinfoil…some thoughts from my generation…

The slightest intent that discomfort…something to make us rethink our master plan makes us bolt for…our addictions that keep us well…stuck..

The known..which may feel really bad and produce burn marks on us…we hold tight to us..yet any movement of letting go or stepping out of the known into he unknown makes us fiercely defend our things…

I do this because they do that…the most popular…

Behavior that can be explained because someone made us do it..

Recently I have experienced discomfort…not recently as if it is new..but I have a good example…

The notion of how I think of and view myself…

Being conditioned to believe that there was something wrong with me and I needed to be punished and directed into the proper direction due to this deficit has been my mode of operation..

And in that for many years I have had great discomfort…

And I showed it..being the fighter I can be and actually am…have protested…

And my protestations have caused me to be beaten even more so..

And these I realized produced a greater fight and strength in me than ever before..

yet my greatest discomfort has been changing my thought patterns about me..

You see I believed them…yet not all the way..because I am out and doing very well without all those things this world says I must have and need to be happy..

My discomfort came to the change level…which produced pain when I had to turn this all around and look at it from the well abuser’s view and what were they hoping to accomplish.

I fought thinking the truth about me…which is not even close to the ball park that some..not all have described me as..

That resistance I had to change was deafening…it was a constant megaphone glued to my ear screaming music and crap at me 24/7…

So not fun…

It increased the harder and harder I tried to push it away and live in the “idea” promoted in my heart by the abuser…

I finally saw myself as the threat…I was sugar coated about being..

I use threat in a very kind and positive way…

because people do not treat you as a threat until you rock the boat…ask what that smell is..challenge the status quo..

We are so conditioned to automatically apologize…when we have done nothing..rather than not apologize..

And thus change becomes this great looming, scary octopus coming to eat us while we sleep…while the little fishes nibble on our toes..

We stay away from the unease…the discomfort..apologize for breathing..and stay stuck..

Letting the discomfort in..makes one have to look and not surface look at one’s life..

To see where do I lie to myself…?

Why do I insist I am this..?

Where did it come from…?

How come and everyone’s fave..WHY..?

So I am standing in discomfort…and changing the quote just a tweak..

” Discomfort is very much part of the master plan”

Not just my discomfort, but everybody…

Let us not rest in our assumptions and addictions that keep us paralyzed..

Let us not watch another drink or drug themselves away without telling them, this is not the way to go…

Let us question why we feel guilty if we see another on the side of the road and we give them our all but we do not give ourselves the same action..

Let us question why I believe the lie over the truth..

Why am I intimidated by my own presence…?

Why do I think the change will hurt me and be the hardest thing I will ever do..?

Why am I so worried about other’s opinions that it can ruin my day..or my high from doing a job well and with my level of excellence..?

Why do I believe lies…?

I pray I stay in discomfort..

I pray that I will question myself as to why I believe the propaganda pumped at me..

And why your discomfort of me exists..as if we are in a competition..

I pray I keep changing…

So the next time someone sees me…they do not recognize me..and that will be their discomfort…hopefully breaking the resistance to change..

“Discomfort is part of my master plan”  Jonathan Lethem

 

 

???

•June 9, 2017 • Leave a Comment

If thoughts are words and words create..manifest..

And

Writing is words and words create..manifest..

Producing energy..moving towards a goal..place..effect..situation..

What should my thoughts be..??

And what words should be typed or written to produce…?

Angst…?

Panic..?

Love…? There is that word again…LOVE..

Lies..?

Hope..?

And those terms listed above are all understandable…not quite as simple as we like to make them..because we have taken profound words such as hate and love and used them to describe our addictions..

I love my cell phone…same love we apply to our partner…

So if thoughts make words which make writing and a form of creation..

What should those words always be..?

Can they be negative…?

Because if we always paint something flowery…and then we pull back the curtain..we might not always find sunlight streaming through the window, dancing like rainbows on the walls, fresh springy air circling around the room, giving thoughts of swinging in a hammock as our fingertips graze the turquoise water cooling us to our toes…

It might be..

Our back yard bumps up to the dump..place of refuse and the back hoe keeps moving it closer and closer to our flower beds..or that television sitting proudly in our living room that we love…and everything smells like vomit…

I have been there…

And maybe sometimes you have to use the negative words…truth words to describe the reality of the situation…

So if needed…you get the hell out..

So if you keep telling yourself(thoughts) that you misunderstand, did not just see that, oh it was an accident,( help me I could be here all day) you very possibly can be having the dump in your living room and you are wondering why the view to the television is obscured…

Yeah..you get it now…

And on the flip side…if you are not aware of what you do have…or put no value on people and give it all to things…well you might be in for a mighty mess..

This is a lot easier than you think…

When you are in a reality that is profane..I am using such nice words today..sometimes you have to keep your head down and barrel through..I think they call that survival..

Most often than not…if you are in a profane situation..you have to..you must see it for what it really is..

Which is a hard task…

The harder task is seeing you for what you really are…

Beautiful…just a bit confused and very tired…

And no I am not referring to the sociopaths, etc, etc, etc…you all know what and who you are..

So if my thoughts keep creating an existence not real…and giving verbal credit and description to inane things we can definitely live without..do I not create that reality…?

So what if I take my thoughts..speak them..whether I am uncomfortable or not..going against the grain of descriptions we have for women..different ethnicities, belief systems, and speak what they really are…truth..

What happens…?

My thoughts are created from things I am receiving..and we have a tendency to skew the image to fit what we believe…

So my words create the ever present reality I am dancing in every moment of every day..

Example…

As a child my father tortured his children at night..it is called sleep deprivation..can make you wacky…

Drunks and addicts create the same things in them…you think you sleep, but you do not..it is a form of blacking out…the body does not go into rest and repair..it is placed in a hold of trying to keep all body systems(heart, brain, organs) running at sub par level from the drug..of choice..

So rest really never happens…

So as an adult sleep has been an issue…and I have to give its due credit…most of my adult life..the abuse came at night for me, and for my children…so being aware is what I had to be…

But now…not reality..I am safe..and this is a very recent development..

No need to be prepared to flee or fight…

So my thoughts are still…be ready..hard to rest with that happening…

So my thoughts were creating a reality that came into effect even after the horror was gone…

And please go easy on yourself…these are examples…

So my thoughts are created from what I see happening…and have been told to see..thus creating words that make my attitude…everything…

So when I started seeing reality..what was really happening and what was being hidden and why…my words changed…and I realized the power of those words..

Look at your reality…

Be grateful…or be shocked…

And decide what thoughts will you have to speak or write words to reinforce..create that reality..

And why we stay in a descriptive reality worded and colored by another…?

This my friend has been my greatest adventure ever…

My smile has returned…and my laugh..and I have just taken off the gloves covering my hands…and there is a whole suit of armor I am wearing..

I wonder what I will find…?

And no I am not scared at all…

I will not find rotting flesh…we all know who has that…

I think..I know…I will find all those things abusers liked having me not see..all those things that terrified them…all those things they chose not to be…

I think there is need of more cake…

So many parties…and plenty of time..

 
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