This is dragging me under…

•October 15, 2014 • Leave a Comment

If I let it…

Now that is the key point….

Many of us..I include myself…are trapped in a cycle of pain and suffering…

Many are confused and do not know…how this happened…

And some are aware…yet are terrified of feeling good…and claiming their life…

And some are like me…who know what is happening…and fighting…yet find themselves sinking below the water line…watching life from a sad perspective….

I never knew..honestly..until the last year of my life…that my words and thoughts about myself and this world would manifest right in front of me…

The Universe..God..gives you what you ask for….

Yet what I did not understand until recently..is that these patterns of thoughts are from events..instances…that molded our thinking…rethinking…how we view ourselves…from the subconscious aspect of our being…

They…the thoughts of self..the fears..are plugging away in there…making sure every step..backs them up…

Pretty hairy if you ask me….

Most of our experiences are imbedded in our physical body…

And most of them are non processed events….

They are stored in the huge…expansive warehouse of our minds..our soul…

And they operate everything….

Even the color I pick out to wear….

Even how and when I brush my teeth….

And until they are processed…they rule every moment of every day…

And everything revolves around them…

And nobody can state the power it should or should not have over oneself…

A snide comment…can have the same devastation as a blow to the body….

And the Universe will keep presenting that which we need to deal with over and over…it never stops…scary huh?…..

Just like the man in an occupation that requires him to do many verbal…group presentations…

And he is terrified of public speaking….

Hmmm…for no apparent reason….yeah right…See how the Universe works….

So I was seeing myself..repeating the same thing…over and over…

And I was pissed….

So I reached out…

And I got answers….

And I have to say…I was a wee bit uncomfortable….

I saw an intuitive….what I call a voice of reason…

And the energy I was giving off…about knocked her off her chair…

yet she maintained with me…

She told me…the person I was with was bad…bad…and the situation was bad bad….

And I know this….

But I believe I deserve this….

And it is from those unprocessed events..that one never got to deal with…

I knew it was bad…

Especially as we moved closer to my birthday….

he spent hours degrading me…lies…but that is the company he is used to…

And when I went away….into this being….he panicked…

And when he thought I was back….

he then began again….

And I let him….

I should have snapped when he took me to a place for dinner…that he went with a hooker…

because he was there to prove his theory right in his heart..that he was trash..and he destroyed everything….

And he does it well…I have to give it that….because he believes it…lives it…and the belief he carries…is enacted out in front of his eyes….

Just like you and me….

How many of us can raise our hand to this one….?

being with someone because we believe..we deserve..trash…

And our voices mean nothing….

And the crappy thing is this….we believe it…

So the intuitive recommends a book…and a few wonderful things….

And I got the book….

But as I read it…

And it hits me like a two by four every time I read it…and I let it do that…

But first I am doing a therapy…if you can call it that….

It is EMDR….take a moment and read about it…

Or if you are brave enough get the book…”Getting past your past”…it explains what happens….

And then as I read this other book….”You can heal your life”…by Louise Hay…

And I highly recommend it…

You start healing your life….

If you really want to…

That is the ticket…

because some of us..like to sit around and complain how beat up we are by others…and love the poor me role….

And they let others form who they are…

and in that breathe you are co-dependent…and you sabotage your entire life…

I should know..I did it and well…

But before I can change my thoughts…and start believing truth about me…

Like I deserved to do a dance on my birthday….and the world is right at my feet…

And I deserve stability..goodness..kindness…no abuse…and truth in my life….

I have to process…put away these events…

That make me…operate in a world that says…

I deserve abuse….

So here I go….

And I started on my birthday….

And it opened doors….

And I was not prepared how clearly I would see another degrade me…

But it was the best present I could ever give myself….

And I am not backing down….

Because one day…

I will believe…not so long from now…

And will say..this is what I deserve…

And it will be..right in front of me…

And I will not be scared…or live in fear…

Which is what the abuse wants me to do…

I will not believe that I will be homeless…

Or starve…

Or have no means to support myself….

I will believe…oh that I am as bright as the blue sky…

And nothing less…

And I do not deserve..being taken to a restaurant…and being treated like a hooker….

Oh yeah….

lets ring the bell….

 

Thought…

•October 14, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Thought…

Oh stop thinking that thought…

When you pay attention…

To your thoughts….one realizes…

How many…many…many lies we tell ourselves…

Most every thought is a lie…

I did a count…a measurement…

And the only true thought I had….

Was…I tell myself..and I believe lies about myself…

And the sad thing…is this…

We make the lie happen right in front of our face…

We draw it in…

And whammo….it happens…

And then as we are struggling to get to our feet….

Wondering..oh wondering….

What Happened….?

It happens again….

Just like that…

because what we believe…

About me…

You…

The person or thing you cannot stop thinking about…

Is created…

Oh my oh my…

The power of my thought…

And every thing in your life…

Will…

Guess what…?

Validate that thought…

And imagine..how many erroneous thoughts we have…

And what they create…

And every thing you that deals with those thoughts…

Will present themselves to you in living color….

Like me telling myself…

I deserve to not be heard….

And guess what..no one listens to me..

Do not care to hear what I say….

Act like it is all gibberish….(and it is)

And no one “gets me”…

I confuse them….

And another example..okay…

The thought I had..where men where superior to me…

Could tell me what to do..cause…oh my..I can barely unscrew a cap…

So every man I meet…

Even in the most sacred of places…like a church..supposed to be a sanctuary…

Or thinly veiled as a sanctuary…

I have men be superior to me…

And the kicker…

I let them…

Because I believe them…

I have the thought…

And surprise..not really…

It happens…with not a second to spare…

Just like the thought of thinking I deserved to be removed from my house…

I received in the divorce…

because I was sort of adequate in being a mother…

And then I was homeless…

And stayed that way for awhile..

terrified…

This thought…

Made aware…

Try this…

Find a problem….

And whether you stay at home…or go to a job…

See a problem…

And tell yourself..like in a chant…

“I can figure this out…I know the solution..and the steps…”

Say it in your head….

And believe it..just for a split second…

And I promise you…

The moment you speak it…

And believe it…

The solution will present itself…

We got to stop walking through this life..thinking we would have been better off aborted…

We got to…

Look around…

If we do not start believing that we deserve…beauty extraordinaire….

Given and used out of pure love….

This hate and lies..running a muck…will win…

Lets give examples….

Aids…

Domestic Violence…

Cancer…

Child Abuse…

Homelessness…

Hunger…

Addiction….

I already started…

But here I go again….

I deserve a beautiful birthday….

And to be acknowledged…that I was created to do great acts…

defined only by this universe…based in love…

And today….October 14, 2014…

Is only the beginning….

Confusion….

•October 8, 2014 • 2 Comments

I will admit it…

I am in full on…make you crazy…look like an idiot..who cannot make up their mind…

CONFUSED……..

I do not want to sit here and write…

Yet I am bound to sit here and write….

I get up..pace..open and close windows…find something to occupy my hands…

Then sit down at this screen…and write a few words…with hands a shaking…

I feel like..it was my first time kissing…

And you thought..is this the right thing…the right age..the right person…

And why am I feeling this…?

here is the quandary…

Are we to abide with another through their sickness….?

Is that loving someone…for better or for worse..in sickness and in health…?

Or do you step away…especially when one finds themselves..being twisted..?

And finding ways to correct themselves…

Like I need a course..in navigating away from excuse…and rationalization…

And it is everybody’s fault..work…happenstance…

But my own…

Why is someone in the middle…?

Why does everyone talk to everyone else..yet not talk to the person..it is all about…?

You know the one grinding..your gears…the one you point the finger at…

And say….”if they would…then I could”….

“without her here..I could have a happy family”….

So what does one do….?

Stay and deal with the madness thrown your way…all the time..

So all you do is protect and find a safe corner of the room…?

And in that..there is no space..or even a split second…to discover..how do I feel..?

I was told to make I statements..and I will…

Do you latch onto…the few breakthroughs…

And think..okay..this is worth..the tearing of me….

Or do you run..to the next sort of less insane place..and deal with another color of someones issues…

And be loving..bearing with it…?

Or do you sit here..hands a shaking…thinking…

And trying so hard to not feel….

To where the words in your head…come out of your mouth…

And they say…

“I never wanted to be here anyway….I never wanted this or that…and as a matter of fact..that either…”

No one asked me…it was told this is what you want…

And you learn to abide…

And then people comment…and say things like…

“you are so distant…far away”…

And one day…and I think it is close…because the hands are a shaking…

I am going to say…

You are right…I do not want to be here..

This is really annoying…

I do not want to share my space…

And the real person..does not like the touch …you call touch…

And those things I was handed…that I really did not want….

I became responsible for…and I did a good job…

yet was still beaten up….for not wanting them…the words I never spoke….

When did it become a crime…

To say this is not my wish….?

So what do we do…

Abide….?

Or suffocate…?

I tell you…I could not wait for morning….

Because I thought….

Oh today is the day….

I can pack up my sh..

And believe….that by thinking it…it will happen…

Not true…

Cause if so….

Why am I keep finding a way….

To abide in this SH..

When will it dawn on me…

I am not the bad guy….

Maybe it has….

And I am hoping I will not be stoned….

For giving a damn about myself….

Hmmm…

 

It did not hurt..like I thought..it should….

•October 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment
“Not being heard is no reason for silence.”

-Victor Hugo

When I write…my words upon this blog….it is the heart prompting…

The need…like that silly gnat bite..that teases until tended to…

I am preparing…to leave….

To end…from my end….because that will be the only ending ever to happen….

This time with this person…

“Not being heard is no reason for silence.”

-Victor Hugo

I was hooked for awhile….

Thought the drugs…alcohol…immoral puke behavior…was a passing fancy…

Yet it is a life….narrowed down to simple words….

“one is unwell….has made themselves unwell…and will remain unwell…by their choice alone…”

And another screaming match has ensued..trying to convince another…you are not what they described…

And I watched the words rise up…and then fall like leaden balloons….

Because I believed the lie…

“Not being heard is no reason for silence.”

-Victor Hugo

And then another voice stepped in…and spoke…

And said…the changing words…

It does not matter anymore….all you need is safety…to deal with how this image was formed….

And I have begun….

Because…just because…words were not heard…

Actions will replace those words….

And denying my disengagement from the lie parade….

The women…the drugs..the alcohol…the co-dependency of sister…children…ex-wife…pornography…and the bottle…your last saving hope…

And you left…in the tomb of your soul….

shows me….the one gone..who did not feel the sting…like she thought…

Shows me….

“Not being heard is no reason for silence.”

-Victor Hugo

The undeniable fact….

•October 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The undeniable fact….I will ever be me….

I guess too much has gone down….

Too many swimming in the swamp…

And too many alligators….

With too sharp of teeth….

I spend too much time recovering….

Too much….

Living in the reality…that we prey on each other….

To hide..our deep chosen sickness….

And we keep light around…about us…

In the form of  humanity…

Yet chew on it…like a rabid animal….

To make it carry..our profound disease…

Co-dependency is such a nice word….

Sort of like…the stick of gum..will heal the hole in the damn….

I watched for a few moments…

The walking dead….

Really creepy premise and show….

And I watched people…gagged and bound….on their knees…

Being whispered lies….

“we do not know what we are doing”…

“we do not mean to do this”…

“we have to do this”…

And as blows rained upon them…

And their cheeks smashed to the concrete….

And hope still held place in their eyes….

I sobbed….deeper than any river could ever run…

Because I know….and I think the people who make this show know…

Evil knows what it is doing….

It did not hear anything wrong….there were no garbled messages…

Slaughter….

Destroy the soul of light…..

Make it hopeless….and wish for death….

The only difference is this….

Hope…me….

gets to pull the trigger…

Oh the joy…..

•October 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Gratitude…with joy….and maybe a bit snarky…..

That it has only been 6 months and I can get out……

Rather than 20 years…and too many cords…

That strangle to this day…

Gratitude…with giggly joy….

That it was only 90 days..at a workplace…

I was able to run….

And I darn near abandoned myself….

To the holy dollar….

And to work which was not mine to do….

You know…the path we all choose to walk on…

It aint a crap shoot….that’s for sure….

Even though..the day we filled out the questionnaire…about our wants…our life walk…

The one with the little bubbles…we must have been highly optimistic and maybe a bit high…

Thinking one could impact disease of the heart….

I am still counting my fingers and toes….

Gratitude…with joy…and a tinge of sadness…

That I did not swallow myself up in fixing a narcissist…

And I let them have what they were asking for….

And believe me…It aint pretty….

My parting gift…If I may have one…

Will be a fifth of gin….

And a 10 year subscription to porn unlimited….

And maybe I will throw in a blow up doll….

Oh the joy….

The explicable joy….

And I look about…

And the view smells funny…

Sort of like that smell..you can never find where it is coming from….

And I do not think I ever want to….

Fear….

•September 30, 2014 • Leave a Comment

What is fear…?

There is the cliche of…..

False Evidence Appearing Real”

Explain that to me….

Is it false…or is it real…?

And it the biggest fear we have..compounded on by events…. words….actions…that make the false evidence appear real….hmmmm…..

Made me think for a minute…

My greatest fear…..I thought..was of being alone…

But it is not that….

My greatest fear is what being alone says to this world….

AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stinky potato chips..if that did not take long enough….

So in essence..I keep damaging people about…so it appears I am not alone….

And I cannot stand myself….at times…

And those that I hang with are well…living lives that damage….

And like being that way…damaged and damaging….

I know…I know…

But hey..at least I am not alone….(stupidest statement I ever said)

And they do not have to face being alone….because then all the demons come and play….

Right when you go to sleep….

Right when you think of a great color to paint your bath…

Right when you are on the cusp of figuring out that problem….making a discovery….

Right then..

Right when you should tell your child NO….but say yes and how many…

And then go whip yourself…..with alcohol..drugs…sex….

It is like defeat to say…

I like the sound of my space….

Or I do not need all this crazy touch…

Admit it people we have made ourselves over stimulated….thinking we need….electric touch…over and over again….and it aint ever enough….

Like going down that road of…you know what….and it is scary what one will do for that 3 second rush…

That evaporates….in 10 seconds….

Oh..by the way..I have never been one to mince words….

It becomes blasphemy to say…

I work well alone….with others about…

But I am one who makes solo accomplishments….

And that is how I pass on my knowledge…

My heart is too soft…and easy to get into…

So distraction makes me forget about me….and pursue you….

And I think…

I cannot be alone….

I think I must have the person in my life who drinks way too much…

Who smokes way too much…

Who looks at me as a money source….

Rather than a companion….on this journey…

Who talks smack about me…when things are not done their way….

Who would rather be abused…and then abuse….and smile…

Then step out of the fray altogether….

Does that make you want to be sick….yep me too….

So on this discovery I am on….

I have left my job…

Because I cannot be abused….

And then those watching think I will be abused…

And make something up that makes me abusive….

Nor will I stay in a space…

Where my only value..if I have any….

Is to take the brunt…full force..of your desire to wound…

So I guess…I will roar a little bit louder…

How about a lot louder….

At least one cannot say…

I didn’t warn you….

 

 
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