The Need….

•September 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The need to have verification…the stamp of approval…that…

We are unwell….

A society splintered…

And our preference is wounds….

Sadness in buckets…

Rather than the vigilance to stay self accountable….

Too many moments in the last several months have caused me sleepless nights…

Body breaking down…

And anguish through me like a freight train…

And it is my fault….

I decided to not pay attention to the signs…

The flashing lights….dancing about….

I cannot blame it on anyone…just me…

I chose to say..to decide…

To not be aware….

To believe…I was just overreacting….

Had not heard something right…

Was misinformed…

Oh all the labels….

I provide for myself…

To hold myself in a constant state of quarantine…

Waiting for the day..for it to overwhelm me…

And belief I need to stick it out…

because someone has decided to keep hitting the snooze button…

And then one is standing on the edge of the precipice….

Jagged blades below…

And one has to jump…

Or die….

And I do not mean spiritual death….

I mean this body so destroyed…

This glorious mind…filled with such perversity….

That one wonders…why the body keeps shutting down…

And the seven deadly sins..actions…if you do not like the word sin…

Become daily…moment by moment habits…

And the raging beast is never satisfied….

I wonder…

How many blows…

How many sinister words…intentions of harm….

To get the stamp of approval….

That we…

“Are going to hell in a hand basket”

My favorite cliche…..

Mirror…Mirror….

•September 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

It is funny to me..at times how all situations in ones life…reflect..what one needs to attend to…

The same scenario will be played out…mirrored…

Just with a different set of characters….

And different settings…

Like what is happening in my personal life…

Is happening in my workplace…

Is happening when I go grocery shopping…

Is happening when I order books online….

All mirror the same thing…

And then when you travail through one thing that needs your moments….

Another arises until…

You grasp the result…

Like finding the Holy Grail…

And only you get the Oh…Ah…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I noticed… that the less I linger on the importance of things…

The longer the reflection…of myself stretching miles behind me…gets…

It is like looking in a mirror and having a mirror behind you…

And then there is another you behind that…and another you behind that…and another you behind that…

Never ending….

Like the never ending story….

The more I ignore…and do not recognize the image reflected….the person present…

Is like me buying books….my soul wants to read…and never reading them…

All I am doing is buying the illusion of time…

Someday…I will have the time…more appropriate is…someday I will make time…

Buying books…stacking up…really buying time…

Illusion I have changed things…

And all I have done…

Is blocked my view….

 

Have Courage…

•August 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Have Courage….

Real Courage….

Not one wrapped in a pretty box with a bow…

One that makes everyone smile…and see how easily…I have allowed myself to be played…

To be pleasing….

Acceptable…

Part of the group…

I am ashamed…

Being part of the group….as I bow my head..and offer my neck to the blade…

Led to slaughter…

I have forgotten me…

And the divine plan…of my presence…

And again I remember…

Not your punching bag…

Unmovables….Permanence….

•July 13, 2014 • 1 Comment

I was thinking about the variable of life change…things that happen in a life….

Which do not really change you…but may cause a different direction than one previously planned…

I guess they call that word flexible..adaptable…

But does it effect…the core..the soul of a being….

Like you and me…

???????

I read a piece by a fellow blogger about…claiming things for self…looking at how we are treated and regarded…before we sign on the bottom line…

And one must keep in mind…how we are treated before the commitment..is how we will be treated after the commitment…

Have no expectation that things will change…and suddenly one who has dysfunction…will now be clean and free…

A quote was stated…and I cannot remember the author’s name…but it goes like this…

Once someone tells you what they are…believe them…the first time…”

Now does that not smack you between the eyes..I do not know what will…

Because we tend to think we can make someone other than what they are…

That they are joking..did not really mean it…

And I hold up my hand..just like everyone else..thinking I had some magical power to make others…be something else…

Cause don’t you know…they want to be healthy…and they need change…and for some reason..we think we have the ability..looks..charm…whatever..to make that happen…

Make another put down the bottle…

Make another stop looking at porn..because we all know…like alcohol..it twists up our view of things…people….

They become objects for our sickness….

And my fellow blogger..commented…about…thinking before you commit…

Pausing before you take that act….

And holding onto those things we esteem as unmovable….

Things we will not do..and things we will not allow…

Yet always seem to find a way to be tweaked…

Like the situation I find myself in now…

And such juicy rationalizations….

And now it is time…for me..to be..what I told them I was the first time…

Unmovable….

Because watch….

You step into chaos…and think your charm and beauty..and smarts…can make it go away…because everyone wants peace and health…

See me giggling…at myself…

You will find yourself..screaming at the top of your lungs…

And no one hears you…

Sickness holds a mighty hand….

And like Misery

It wants company….

Giving yourself away..

•July 4, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I feel like I am being consumed…..

Placed on a giant platter..with an apple in my mouth…

Baked to perfection…..

Knowing at any minute..all I am is lost…

Defined by some definition..of what I should be..and how I should be it…

And in many ways…I have no one to blame but myself…

Except those who played on the miseries..one experiences in life…

And twists to their advantage…

Odd thoughts to be having on the fourth of July…

It is a day of independence right…?

The moment when it is true to us that we are free…have no constraints….no binds..and no problems..right..?

Then why do I feel like my head is being held under water…

That if I walk away..and actually put into action..I have value and purpose…

You will not turn back to the bottle…and your lasciviousness…methods one says does not exist…yet are as real as my breathe…

And why will I turn back..and keep you on the quest…

To stop thinking…and start feeling….

And bring oneself to the divinity within all…

It is hard..to say the least…

To listen to juicy rationalizations….and then see them paraded in the news….

Does anyone know life anymore…?….does anyone care…?

Children being chained in basements..like they are there as a personal playground for our sickness…

Children being left in searing cars..to suffer..until that life ends…

Sexting..texting..while the person next to us suffers….

Giving looks of vice and immoral eyes..to those we gave life to…

Proclamations that we have not sunk into a pit..we no longer wish to get out of…

We have no modesty…

We have no shame…

We have no desire…except in ill actions towards others…

We shut out parents..because they raised us wrong..or so we think…or do not act proper…they made us abide..and deal with the true struggle…

We beat others into submission..with our hands..which makes one weep…because of the thought..the beauty these hands were meant to create…

We threaten silence from our mouths..to those who were former partners….because they did not cooperate…and take away all that is precious to them..only to discover..we have killed ourselves…

Safety…Sanctity…Hope…

All just words now….

Replaced by…lust..greed..immodesty…my rights…

I only got one right…

To be a servant..in love…

The rest..well..is like getting a blow up doll..to replace a real person…and giving it to her good…

Just ignore the squeaks..and the air hissing out…

Sort of like the screams of a child…and life leaving…

Does not matter….

I got my rights….

What I am reading…and what I am seeing…

•July 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I find myself drawn to books about the human condition….

Human condition…the acts and motions..emotions within the frame of a human being….

Encapsulated within a skin..bone..joint..muscle..functioning organs..and life blood moving throughout..back and forth…

Human being

And within those books..I hope to solve the mystery of why we are the way we are..and why we persist..in living..operating..being the way we are…

And that aint no compliment….

In my employment…my career choices..I have obtained the title of trouble shooter….problem solver….

I guess the word would be consultant….

I along with others..have the ability to enter a workplace and find the “issues”…and address them with methods…others have not thought to use….

The human being..in life….

Always pause for a moment…

And I have also noticed..and observed in action…

That….“Misery loves company”….

Misery does not want solutions…or solidarity..or compassion…or movement in any other direction than straight to HELL….

And misery will introduce and make you dwell in all the levels….

Until your fingers burn off and your underwear is glued to you….any any hope is erased….

And when someone has chosen that….

There aint a damned thing you can do….

So now would be the time….to grab what life you can salvage…and find your smile again….

So as I have noticed this in the workplace..and then utilize the best techniques….one can hope for..and watch life return to some…

Yet see hate multiply…

And it does not just dwell in the work building…

It has infiltrated our homes…

And we are trying to make it look pretty…

Myself..thought a pretty coat or two of paint would make it shine..and it would go away..

Maybe some nice curtains to soften the sharp edges….NOPE….

Maybe good meals and shiny toilets…rather than neon mac and cheese…and “what the heck is that in the toilet” ?

NOPE….

I thought we knew how to solve problems..and dwell in light…

And maybe at one time we did…

But not anymore…

So we read books…on happiness..because we do not know what that feels like…

And we read books on respect….so we know what it means…if we ever encounter it….

And we read books on everything….because so much is gone…

And maybe books will help us remember…

I still remember…

I know what it feels like to not be in a panic..

I know what it feels like to hear “thank you”…

I know what it feels like to be treated like a lady…

I know what it feels like to not hold my breathe and turn the other cheek…

But this is not about me..and never will be….

It has always been extending out from me…not dwelling from me…dwelling within me…

And then taking that moment…the one you will never get again…

And being..the human being….

Not asking you to scale the mountain top…

Or read another book…on the ways..habits of how to grab your heart back….

Not any of those…

Yet remembering what was made in you…God infused…and can never be lost…except to self..wrapped in misery…which you know..loves company…

It may seem..that you are spending days…trying to break through a wall..made of the finest steel..to last way past a lifetime…

And some moments..you are…

But as I read…and my eyes are cast..over the top of the book….

I am thankful..some have stopped to write..and remind us..that we are not created to be animals…

We have chosen to be animals…

RESPECT..HOPE..LOVE..

Are far from dirty words….

 

Random

•June 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

 

 

 
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