Trying to be fluffy…

•April 21, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Trying to be light and fluffy…like some pancake or biscuit..we all have been told we can make…

Just do this…

And it is not working…

Rolling with the punches…

Trying not to be dependent..

Trying to not make another co-dependent…

What does that mean anyway…?

I guess I am really tired of these terms…

And wish people would just be people…

And that is a scary thought at best…

Working in the field I do..shows human behavior in variations…

And it made me think…

We are all dependent…or co-dependent…

We just hide it better…

The need to be accepted..found attractive..especially as one ages..is seen..

Trying to gain the attention of a much younger person…

Despite the fact..the love of your life…is right next to you…

And honestly..one would forget how to breath..without their prompting…

Odd is it not..?

Engaging in things..you would not normally do…

To make another happy..or feel like they have gained more of your trust..or space in your heart…

And then the next day..when the only reflection is you in the mirror…

You feel kind of empty…and speak the words…

“What do I want…What do I feel..”…?

Kind of backwards do you not think….

And this is when you think…

Am I doing this because I have a liking for it..or only because they like it…?

And we have become so accustomed to living with people’s neuroses…and made them pretty…

That we do not even know right from wrong…you have lost the dance steps…

I have lost my own dance steps..and the courage to speak about what I want…

And been told how committed I am to a us…

But then I noticed I am not committed to a me…

And the next thought you had was…

I should be looking towards the betterment of all..not me…

But then what about me…

Do I serve as an empty shell…?

Am I created for acts that one wishes to do..because the frame is pleasing…?

How can I do anything…

When all choices into my life..are your choices…

And most go against the part of me..still alive…

Tell me how…?

I wonder sometimes..

What is the point of me..

If all I am programmed to do..is to be pleasing and workable for you…?

And does anyone grasp..take in for a second…the battle…the war raging inside..

For many..to succumb…to the dark…

Because how possible is it..and when will it be okay…to be…

Light…

Not fluffy like pancakes….

Not floaty like the biscuits…

Not sugar sweet like cotton candy…

But alive…

And not have it twisted…

And used…

And me thinking..that thing..that hurt..burns…

Was not okay…

And one is fighting..fighting…

To want..desire..to stay alive…

Which is hard to do…when you are watching..

Pieces of you…breaking off…being thrown away..like they be nothing but trash…

 

Face plant into reality…

•April 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Interesting way to start out a Friday morning…

But after a long night of no sleep..here I go….

Doing the work I love…I mean love..

And it has perks…

One gets called Darlin…Sweetie…Sugar…Kind…and Perty…you heard me right..Perty..not Pretty…words one uses as terms of endearment…

And I have to say…

It is better than chocolate..ice cream..pizza with mushrooms…and even a paycheck…

One gets to change the world…one second at a time…

One gets to do the impossible…

Calm the savage beast..

The ones locked inside of a body..which cannot remember their name..and does not understand why they are in prison in a bed…

And in calming the savage beast…I awaken the shut down conscience in others…

And I do not think they like me too much right now..and I do not think a weekend will help…

When you have lived my life…and still know how to be kind…you make some people uneasy…

They want you to be like them…and be coiled up in anger..and excuses…

And for the life of me(sorry I had to use that saying) I cannot figure out why they are so miserable…

I mean right now…

I have a bad..bad headache…one of the perks of spinal damage and well part of my face being broken…

I have not slept for about eighteen hours…and I have been lifting..moving..caring for people…

And I do not want to sleep….

I want to remember….

That I hold the power of change..right within me…

Not some idle thought…

Yet manifested…right here right now…as I sip my tea…and find a way to eat a little something…

Because I get to do this again today…

I get to feel the world shift…one step closer in a better direction…

Because I made choice…and decision..and did not stand just in hope…

I made it an action…a verb…

I decided…

As I did a face plant into reality…

I am so grateful…

And would not change a thing…

No life of easy living…and thinking the world was my cellphone…(matter of fact..I have no cellphone)…

Scandalous I know…

Yet I get to be part..of a history..of people..that are being forgotten…

And I will most likely be forgotten too…

But for now..I remember…

A time..when we knew…

And it did not take…

A face plant into reality…

 

Remember our value…

•April 16, 2014 • Leave a Comment

 

 

Reflection into humanity….

•April 16, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I once heard that people..mainly..and events are a reflection of sorts of what we need to acknowledge and deal with…

Not many like the words..deal with it…sort of like issues…and that famous..letting go..wordage….

But if one can pursue it from the perspective of..things that need my attention..

Sort of like the laundry…and bills needing to be paid…

Yet they hold some deeper meaning and purpose..into our humanity…

And at times can make us so spitting angry…because life..through whatever form..call us on it…

Like love…

I have started a new job..position..after completing education and taking state boards…

Now I am licensed…and able..and willing to venture into this field..I thrive in..and yet makes me also..hesitate..

Because it is a reflection into humanity…

What we allow ourselves to do..

How weakened we have placed our moral code…

How we have decided..excuses..are the path..rather than facing the angst..one has placed inside another…

And every day..as I look into the eyes..of those helpless to the world now…

I see…

And what I have settled for…

And what I have allowed my intentions to be…

And to examine….Why am I doing this..?

Oh the question of the hour….

The other day..I wrote about an incident..where I was disrespected…

And the huge impact it had on me..

And when confrontation was placed on the doorstep…or if you like the word” addressing”..the issue better than confrontation…

We will go with that…

I thought Hell had arrived on my doorstep..

And in some loopy doop world…it had..

And for me accepting it..even for five seconds…had me looking in the mirror and reflecting into humanity…

What else was I condoning..accepting…because well..do not want to ruffle a feather…

And as I was being screamed at..and spittle being thrown across my face…

I had an aha moment…

And to be honest..sometimes I wish I was dumb as a brick…

For thirty years..20 of a marriage..and 10 dealing with a divorce..and children being drugged and used as weapons…

I realized..I got this ticket…

And now I am running in the other direction…

Not sidestepping the issue..or trying to placate another..so they stop yelling..or punching…

But pure and simple..running in the other direction…

And in the voice..I heard it speak words..telling me..I had the power to put thoughts within another mind..

That I had the ability..to make one become filthy inside themselves..and they had no choice in the matter…I was at fault..I produced this creation…and suddenly I have become God…

And you have to stop and go HUH????!!!!!

Because that is usually where one will be stopped…and start the apology session for something you have not done..

And anger..and threatening stances….and accusations..and spit being showered on you..

All create the fear..to make another apologize for one breathing…

Trust me..I was real good at that…

And show you what you have settled for…and what one is spreading into the world…

And it made me pause at work last night..and think…what am I doing..?

And why…?

How do I expect..to be of value and use…

When I am allowing myself to be disrespected..lied to..and made to be the cause of your violence…

Do we not have free will..

Are we not created with our own thoughts…

Do we not choose..every second of every day..which step to take…

Do we not become..what we take in…

So how did I suddenly have the power to make something in you…?

Am I now choosing for you..?

Because if I am..

I think the porn..the alcohol..the ogling women…the excuses..of oh poor me…need to go…

And how convenient for you…

And how convenient I have made it for you…

Even scarier..right…

Because when I wiped..the spit off my cheeks…I allowed the reflection to come back around…and the mirror was right in front of me…

And I saw why I have allowed this…

And if I allow it for me…I will allow it for those..

Incapable of fighting back..or speaking…yet know that spit…

Burns like acid…

 

 

 

 

 

Willful Intent….

•April 14, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Kind of big…strong words..to start out a Monday with…

But they have big..strong meaning…

And I need to write..before I go and punch someone verbally….

And I know way too many can empathize with this…

So how many of you..have been out with another..

Date..relationship..partner…whatever the position or stance of the relationship is…or defined as….

And watched them repeatedly stare at someone 30 years younger than them…

Rather than the gorgeous person sitting across from them…

How many…?

Let me see a show of hands….

Okay I got ya..even the one in the back…

The one who looks like they are about ready to burst into tears….

And the words..willful intent steps in…

Willfully..and with intent..one stomps on another’s heart…

Like it is this duct tape repairable..and a smile will make it all better…

And then you ask..the one with willful intent…

Do you want to change seats with me…so you can stop staring at the 16 year old..who could very well be your daughter….or your son…

And then you realize..you gave them the green card..the get out of jail free card…

And why oh why..do I have to even ask that question..and I get to be the hall monitor…and I have to worry..stress…and try to find the thing on me to correct…?

Geesh..I am a loser…

And why is it…the one wounded…

Has to get questioned as why quiet..?

Why did you sulk off to the room..and not talk to me…?

Why did you not answer your cell phone…?

Why…Why…Why…

Life sometimes..becomes this endless charade of…

Oh no..that did not hurt…

You know I am strong…

I get that it is their problem..and says nothing about me…

So..hows that working for you….?

Yeah I thought so…

Worked that well for me too…

And the funny thing is…

I started..sort of started a new job today…

And I heard..all day long…how pretty I was..and how intelligent I was…how much I was wanted..and would be such an asset to the community…

Funny how..

That can all be wiped away..in two seconds…

By willful intent…

And please do not state a quote..or some cute cliche…

Because you…just like me..will be sitting..in that pile of…

What do I need to do..to correct myself…hold the attention…?

And then sleep will come…and you will talk with God…

And He…our mighty Comforter..will remind you…

Whispers of your beauty..in powerful verse…

And it will fall away…

And the cliche that says..

“It is not you..just someone being mean”…will ring true…

And the next time…you will not sit and take it…

Because that is not what a person does…

You get up..and walk away…

And you will remember…

Never to do…

Willful Intent…

 

There is no difference….

•April 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment

There is no difference….

Except in our mind…

Within the one we create…

And support with….this is for you..and this is for me…

A friend said to me recently…

Darn..I missed my men’s group…and the things I could hear…and talk about..only to a guy…

And as I was in mid flight of getting up from the table…

I paused and sat back down…

And went..REALLY….How is that…?

And the discussion went on…

I am not  known as one to mince words..or to back down(and nobody panic) when there is a debate…I do not fade away into the background when different opinions show themselves…

I pull it out..and ask WHY…

I am just like that…

I do not do it to make problems…

It is more like being self aware…

I think that is in a science fiction movie somewhere…right..?

It is like an essay..I just wrote..being self aware..means..one realizes one is all connected..and what I do affects the whole..one by one..domino effect….

Why cannot men say anything in a presence of a woman…?

Even the ones that get a bit wiggy..react…

And I am not talking about the killers who hate and go on a rampage….

But those women who..spend a great deal of time invested in the care of well their man…

And find out he talks and talks to his buddies..or complete strangers…rather than you…

And when you ask..he says..oh nothing…

I would flip out too….

So i asked the question..

The reply was..

We talk about things that are on our back..guy issues…

And then the old..switcheroo..bold..men are bumps of steel was pulled…

And yes..I flipped out..

And the conversation proceeded from there…

Women do not understand the money issue….

Really…

Like I could not possibly understand..feel the exact headache..stomach exploding…

As a single parent..trying to pay the bills and feed four sons…?

How so..?

Or deal with wanting to be desired….and that I am not 20..or 30..or 40…I am over 50…

And watching the clock tick tock away…

Really…?

Or being used as a vehicle to achieve another’s mission….and then tossed aside…

How so..?

How about wanting human touch…passion…being heard..listened to…goofed with…?

Why is a different between a man and a woman…?

There is no difference..except the one we make..

Man…. woman…just different equipment…

All want to be touched…appreciated..assisted…wanted..pursued..listened to..aided in making decisions…(even the ones I face right now)…comforted… and simply recognized….

I do not need less..or want less..because I do not have the equipment to do certain things…

I do not have the ability..to only relate to a woman..when I have a female issue…

It is the isolation and separation of one becoming a leper..and not attractive…by your own mind…that makes one turn to a woman..rather than a man…

It is within those events…that one remembers…oh life..it has been created…

And to whittle one down..to not being perceptive..or able to understand…

Is like saying..

Women do not want sex..and if she does..she is a slut…

How come desire and passion..is only for men..?

And why do we become disgusted and hurt..when we get what we ask for…?

It is like women are from Mars and men are from Venus…

Women who love too much…

Only women can be scammed by sociopaths…

Abuse happens only to women…

No we are all from the same place..creation…

Not separate entities..just some different parts…

Women do not love too much…men love just the same..

Women just get tired of pounding on the door…and getting your fingers closed in it…

Or being held responsible..either sex..for ones bad choices..and what one allowed another to do to you…and so now..you hold a grudge against the other sex…like it is their fault..?

I heard that last night…

Women have used me…

Grrrr…clearing my throat…

Ummm…you went and found them..offered them..brought them into your home..used them as much as they used you…both parties were playing…and now you are upset…because they do not like being looked at..as a tool..to do you a service…

And shocking..you do not like being used as a tool for a service…

And now all must pay…?

My hopes..my dreams…my desires..are there..present..

No different than yours…

The only difference….and it was created…is this…

My name…

So tell me…what you believe you can only tell…well the guy.. the woman….the stranger in group…huh…

Suddenly..it got very quiet….

Step Back…

•April 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Working…since it has not been done in what I call the real world for awhile…has been a bit of a draining venture….

Sort of like my choice to love…

And I have had to step out of things for a bit…just to see what I think…a pause…

It has knocked the breathe out of me…

And I feel like I have been kicked in the gut…

And no cute cliche..or cryptic quote can allow me to even smile…

Work..in the real world…requires great heart..and choice..and in truth..

You may be the only one doing the work…surrounded by those who spend life complaining because they have to work…

And for me it has been like my decision to love…in a world that does not want love…

Even though it is the only thing able to do anything in this world…the hope of love…

My love is seen in an action..I am barely aware of…

Until it is pointed out…

And then suddenly I am a specimen under a microscope…

“Did you see that….?…what is she..?…how come she is so nice..?…what..what..she is asking me if I would like anything to drink….?…(sputter sputter….)…oh she must be up to something….)..nobody loves anymore…

Right…Right…?…uummmmm…right…????

Ummmm…no..your wrong….

Even when love is not given..one still loves….

Even when one is beaten…one still loves…

Even when one is hurt as a child..one can still soothe a soul…a crying baby…watch another melt like butter..within touch..

Even when one is rejected…one still loves…

The capability within us..is massive…

And the only boundary lines are self inflicted…

Musings in wounds..that become sores..fed by our own desire to shut off the oxygen…

And the need..the deep need for love…is so profound…we will do anything..anything…to keep even a whispering of it about…

Like the perfume of a lover..that lingers on the chair once sat upon…

Or a note for groceries..from a companion…as if they never left…

It is not a choice to love….or to not…

It is a choice to be…to exist..to breath…

And to allow something past definitions…and..

Our own basic…false belief..that this THING..is what I want…

And somehow..in some way..to say…

I need you..you need me..they need us…we need them…

And without it..breathing becomes the hardest thing…we have ever done….

 
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