Hold on a second now…..

•November 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

If we held onto the belief….

That our thoughts….

And/Or…our words created our life…..

Even the last nanosecond…..

Would we think…

Would we speak….

Differently…….?

The…I gotta write about this….

•November 7, 2014 • 1 Comment

Most recently…I broke away….

I had sliced through part of the ropes that bound me….yet had not completed the cord severing…

Until Thursday….

And maybe I had done a lot of prep work….

Or I am really good at pushing things out…just lower than the sight-line….

OR….

Maybe I was not quite ready….for the ending….

And it is not quite there…yet…because people like the person I was involved with are…

Well lets say..dark..evil…sick….

And this is how they will remain….always….

It is like knowing seasons come and seasons go….

With each person…they have in their lives..they become progressively better at utilizing the skills from the previous relationship…to play the new partner….of this relationship…

To put it bluntly….they are and will always be….a…POS…..

Use your acronym finder if this one stumps you….

But most likely not for long….

Now me…

Decided about a year ago….I needed one more lesson….

Would I believe all the lies…chatter of filth I had been told…and had been targeted for….and knew how to do…like breathing….

Examples….I know how to make a fight…I know how to fight a fight…because that was what I was taught…and some of that I must give grace…but when you keep repeating it…and letting yuck travel to you on the pikeway….you screwed…

OR….

I could regenerate that person who made appearances at the birth and raising of her children…

And the beautiful soul which was born….Mandy….and I am a beautiful soul….

So in the midst..and I discovered the purpose of this one more relationship…..I chose living…

I said through gritted teeth and tears streaming down my face….

I either try this stinkin…EMDR…or I am dead…..

Because one of these fools was going to take my life…and I was gonna let them…

And that does not mean I take on any credit for their choices….

It simply means…that I had chosen to not fix…heal what I needed to in this life…and had thrown my hands up…and left….

So I left….and in a blur….

And I shook….but did not question…not for a second…

And it hurts…as much as I will let it…

And I got to feel the pain….I got to…

I got to hate…real bad hate….

I got to point the finger where the finger belongs….

And I cannot walk around and say….”I am angry at myself because I let them treat me that way…”

News flash people….whether you go along or you fight like hell….they gonna do it…

You just decide if you will believe it…and then become it…

And thank God for people who know the real you….

That even when you were giving them a rash of S…

They stuck with you….because they knew that was not you….

And that is priceless….

Sort of like water….and blue eyes…and pink….

And you process…and you cry….and you put the blame where it belongs…

And you heal…and you see the truth….

And you stand in awe….always…with gratitude….present…always….

Then forgive…when you can….

Because people like I just left….do not fade away….

You must remember…you are a possession….always will be…

And it is scary..when you hear those words from their mouth….a bit chilly in here dontcha think?

And there will be a conversation…and you will be lured….

And you have to feel…cry…lose it….

So they will not make you ask questions…consider their welfare….or do anything but this….

Leave me alone…this is done…stay away from me….

And guess what….?

You will mean it….

Now go out there and live….be grateful….

And I promise….

The smile will come back to your beautiful face….it will….

I am starting to feel mine….and sometimes it is the sweetest giggle….

Because life is wonderful…I changed a pattern….I became free….I loved myself….

And if it gets any better than this….

I might just laugh with a snort….

My signature….

Peace to you all….

And mostly love…..

feed it..or not….

•October 28, 2014 • 1 Comment

feed it..or not…..

feed it..or not….

•October 28, 2014 • 2 Comments

Ever been resting…trying to rest….

And knew something was up…amidst…about….?

The heart has a hard time maintaining steadiness….

it rushes..gallops and then skips beats….and then apologizes and lets one rest for the moment….

And there is something lurking…

How perfect for the Halloween season eh…?

But it has nothing to do with that….

And everything to do with what is happening today….

Decisions have been made on faith….

I was going to say blind faith..but faith is not blind…

because if one focuses…gives the energy into faith..which in my definition is the consistency to maintain belief…

And not necessarily in anyone but you..to do the most gracious thing for yourself…

I put faith that in all my searching..EMDR Therapy would help…

Because when one has unprocessed memories..real time events in them..they are blocked up…and it festers..and distorts..and oozes darkness into the bloodstream..which feeds the heart and brain…

And I signed up to do art creations..to incorporate my textile design into clothing that dances in my head…

Real as the day is long….

And I agreed to take a skills test…which the tester believes will be one of the easiest things I have ever done…

And that is supreme that another can see you..when you struggle to see self…

So I can do this job….

And work…in a space..that does not require my blood…or my breathe…only my hands and mind…and duly compensated…

Odd Huh…

Is that not what I said I was worth…Is that not value I had determined for myself…

And it appeared like the sun..right in front of me…

And something tells me..that being trapped for years…because I had no means…by really poor decisions…

Is not going to be my life now…and that leaving can be done…in faith..love…and the Universe..God..the bounty of this world…

Will provide….and it will be the smoothest event I have ever done…and no explanations will be needed….

They will know…despite the WHAT?

And maybe I am shaking in my boots….

Because I am asking for what I want…

And I am

well…

loving me….

The most valuable asset…I will ever have…

The Unknown Number Adventure…..

•October 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Once you realize..your method of ignoring things in your life…is not working….

All the cliches…that make no sense…

And just make you feel stupid…because you cannot seem to grasp…the beauty and sunshine…in loss…

Loss of a job…

Loss of a relationship….

Loss of a family…

Loss of understanding…

Loss of a loved pet….even the goldfish…swimming circles…

And the inability to feel anything but crazy…24/7….

You realize it is not working…and try a different route…

You got to..or it is bye bye to this round of life…

And oops I failed again….

So before I took the silver bullet of despair…

I ventured down corridor….number 5 zillion…

And here is what I found…

When you look in the mirror and touch your throat…

And say true things about yourself..beautiful things….words that state willingness to change….and you agree..this path aint working…

You will find your throat getting all goopy…and you have to clear it…and 10 seconds before it was clear as the night sky….

And you will avert your eyes….

And when you look up…you will see deepness….in those eyes….

And when you state things like they are happening now….and tag onto it..I am worthy….

The phone rings…

And when you say….even if it is a whisper in your heart…because you are afraid of anyone hearing it…”I am willing to change”…

Change happens….

And things get tight for a moment….

It is controlled chaos..the very best….

Because all the hate we feed….fights to leave….

You got to know that…

And things thin out….

And what is real and genuine..shows itself…

And you find what you have been making yourself believe….

So my adventure….my first adventure…has begun….

Reading Quantum Physics….

And realizing…seeing with these big, blue eyes….matter shift and change right in front of me…

And how my words made life….

And why was I so complimented and in such a rage about an insult….

Simply because I believed it….

The reason I was so in an uproar….was because…I believed I was that person..momentarily described…and I had enacted forces to support my beliefs….

Kind of crazy like that….

Everything I believe and speak about..I create right in front of me….

Makes one shake in their boots…

Because I have a choice….

I can believe I am a being with infinite possibilities and endless options…and this world is a bounty…

And that everyone in my path…EVERYONE….is a teacher…has something to show me…something I need to learn…and there are seasons…always….

And that I can speak whatever I want into my life….that words shift everything….

Because words support belief…and they cannot help but to give us what we ask for….

OR…

I can believe everyone is out to get me…I am the only one with problems…and I am doomed to be abused…

And that suffering makes one pious…and kind….

OR….

The above….

So here I go….

Running again….whewweeeeee……

Crunches and squats…..

Strange work for a 52 year old woman….

Signing up for things…I would never have done ever…

But after a few statements of…”I am worthy”….

Well…The bucket I had for things was not big enough…and it kept filling up and getting bigger and bigger….

And all of them were real…and possible…and happening….

I am no longer rejected….I can only be if I reject self….

I am no longer unloved…..I can only be if I do not love self….

I am no longer meant to sit in a hole and be buried by others lies….I can only be if I refuse the view from the mountaintop…

And I can always be there…the view from the mountaintop….even in loss…and problems…

Because now I am dealing with them with knowledge and pure love…

Not all the things I was told from others…because they hated and wanted company…and want anyone who speaks life gone….

They want people to believe they are their punching bags….it is called sick co-dependency….and run people…run….

Speak and watch it happen….

Funny….it really is that simple…..

Wondering….

•October 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I am not sure if this path of wondering I decide to take…is the best course…

because there is the tendency to make horrible things prettier….

And that is not something I need to do right now….

I need to acknowledge that I am over my head…swimming in the unknown depth of the deep end of the pool…

And to be honest..we place ourselves there…over our heads…

Trying to rescue ourselves from our own thoughts that became actions…

And as children these issues are placed inside of us…

And then the journey to adulthood is covered in beliefs….that make your blood run cold…

And the thing is..we are little children in big bodies…

If not…

tell me how you think about yourself….Pause…

Are not most of your thoughts about yourself…ones you carry from when you were 2…6…8…13…?

And they are not the good things….

because if they were….

Would I be sitting here…writing another post about how bad this hurts….?

Nope..I would be living my life…

All those clothes I see in my head…the ones I design and make fabric for…

All the colors bouncing around in my head….that I know..I just know…are from creations I make…

Would be present in front of me…

I would as they say…”living the dream”….

now I spend my time running from it….

Right into the arms of insanity….

To a job..that tells me I am no good…and continually tests…so nothing will ever be okay…no level…no accomplishment will me good enough….

To a relationship…where one is lied to…demeaned…and you believe you should stay in..because well they are so weak…and you need to make them stop drinking…because they are helpless…

Yes they are..they made themselves that way…and I am helping them along the path..of lies and deceit..and “it is okay…keep doing it…I will go along with it”…

Come on people….

This is not like I am being a servant to one who is purely defenseless….like children…

This is a grown ass adult..who I am telling…”hey keep on abusing..lying…and all sort of other things that will make your stomach churn…”

Because I am supposed to be their guide..teacher…WHAT????????

Because I know better than them…

Obviously not…because I stay here holding their hand…while they stab me with the knife in the other hand…

Obviously they got more on the uptake than me….

Unless I leave…

And this is simple…

But oh how I love to make this complicated…

We want to believe we make others better..we make them change…

But it is not true…

We do not have that power…

That power that energy is held within us..each of us..to change our worlds…and then it spreads out like a wave..the domino effect…and impacts so many….

And they can take it and run with it…create awareness…of how we are killing ourselves…

And make change

OR

keep doing what they be doing…

Choice is ours…

A person is a catalyst….

And some of us…

And I will raise my hand for this..need many people to show them something…

Something that needs repair within ourselves….

Not the other person…who needs repair…

Me….

And it usually shows up..in the form of the ugliest…creepiest truth we believe about ourselves…

And because we believe it…it creates a world..that validates it…

Everything you do..see..taste..smell…reinforces that belief….

Some people are good…true intent to heal….

But they usually do not show up..until well..you do the work…

And not apologizing for your existence….

but acknowledging….your majestic existence….

And they usually are not in the form of a drunk..sex addict…or person who talks down to you…

Shocker Huh….

That is the catalyst…

But we so ignore the pinch in the chest….

And the…going from looking at yourself and thinking..I look pretty sharp today…or wow look how I did on that presentation….

TO…

Seeing every spot on your outfit…and the hair not washed…and all the stutters of your presentation…and what was I thinking…no one wants to hear that anyway….Geesh….

It is not easy to leave…make your exit…

because we feel sorry for another….and we get locked in….

We have told ourselves we are incapable…so everyone else is incapable…and it goes round and round…and round…

And the next thing you know..you are puking in your Wheaties….

I am…

So I am leaving that which I have known for 52 years…to something I have not known…

With paralyzing fear…of being alone…

Paralyzing fear…that I will never stop weeping over the abuse…and it will forever make decisions for me…

The decisions that make me throw..them against the wall…

The paralyzing fear..that I will never be pretty enough..lets be honest…cute would be nice…

The paralyzing fear..that I will never be loved….

And the most paralyzing one is this…

The fear created in me as a child…which says…

You deserve to be beaten…

You deserve to be starved…

You deserve to be used as a sex object…

You deserve to sit in the dark…waiting for the next bomb to go off…and which body part of you will you lose now….

And the one that believes I am nothing…pointless…useless…

So I got to go…

I have to stay in EMDR therapy and make these real life events…just events…not truths about me…

I have to realize that I need to keep reading these books about healing my life…I have to…and do the exercises in them..even if I can barely mutter the affirmations…

Because one day after telling my mind this..over and over….it will connect with my heart….and life will happen right in front of me…

The life I am meant to live….

I got to say goodbye to someone who cannot tell me they love me..and why….and everything I do..that is good..they hold in jealousy…because they choose not to…

I got to go…

Because like I told my EMDR therapy lady….

It is do or die…

I have got to find out the truth….

Even if I lose everything….

Even if I find out everything I believe is one big lie…

And maybe..I will find out that women are subservient to men…

Or that I should feel so lucky that someone likes me…

Or that all I am is a woman..female gender….

But something is beyond those trees…

And it is watching me…

And it knows…right now..not yesterday or 10 years ago…but now….is the time…

And I need to put down the whip of “should have done this sooner”…

And for the regret…the thought…of I may be making a regret…leaving someone behind that truly loves me…trueness…

Will be answered…if it fights for the life….

Not the slow killing of one’s soul….

Not the lies spoken to keep one from being alone….

TRUTH….

And the question is this….

Will I be able to see it when it makes its presence known…?

Or will I keep believing this….

Prayers are always accepted…..

•October 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Your hands and legs may shake, you may be filled with fear of the outcome, but you will never truly regret speaking your heart when you do. There have been many times throughout my life that I didn’t say something I knew I should have…something I knew that I wanted to but I was too afraid of getting rejected. Sometimes, getting rejected by someone is the best thing that can happen to you. It’s like the heavens are waving their finger at you going “nah ah” that’s not for you…you need to go this way instead.

This is a statement from a blog I follow….from..http://thebettermanprojects.com

Worth your time in every essence to read this and reread this….

This younger man than me….has made me think..even more so than I thought…and maybe feel is the better word…

I am told all the time..put away those feelings…think..what do you think about it…?

Well if I put away the feelings(and as an FYI..if one puts away, tucks their feelings away, it will usually cause an explosion..bigger than a bomb going off in a fireworks factory…) not a good plan...

So if I stick to thinking..I am a million ways to Sunday screwed..sorry about the bluntness…

Because what I think..especially about myself is trash..pure nonsense portrayed through logic and used against me…by my own hand..to shut off the conviction..the checks in the heart..so I will doubt…and not acknowledge and accept what I see or what I am being told..by this majestic heart….

Yikers…..

And here is when I swallow hard…and want to go shower with a Brillo pad and maybe some acid…and scrub till this being no longer exists…

Because what..or rather the trash I think about myself was formed from my childhood…we cannot help it…

Children do not have the ability..to process events…they are these wonderful feeling beings…that is why joy never leaves them…

After a certain age..and that is an age always in debate…they become like us..adults with no feelings and all thinking..with massive attempts to not think and numb those feelings…

You know how…like drugs…alcohol…sex…eating…careless and dangerous living..that usually endangers others more than self….inappropriate behaviors with our children that we think no one sees…but they do…that is why we drug..drink..and perverse our way through life…

Sounds like fun huh….

And because we spend all this time thinking…trying to figure something out that has no equation or solution possible…because it is not a thinking situation..it is all feeling….

We reel in and either become the monster…or are the monsters dinner for life…

I opted for the second choice…

And honestly..the first choice never was an option…

But standing at 52 years on this place..in pain..in more ways than I can imagine…I make myself invalid…

And I make my words lies….because when the monsters chews on you after you have spoken truth…and they vomit on you and tell you…well you are worthless…

What do you expect me to think about myself…?

Because when you tell the monster that being sexually with your daughter is well sick…they tell you they still want to do it…because it feels good…

And I think that is the hardest part of accepting this stuff…they enjoy it…

If you did not..you fight…

The story of my life…

And today I sit here…at 52..in a therapy program…I pray to God works…(and in me somewhere I know it will)…that is why I am in it…

Because it is my last hope….

Because all this unprocessed stuff as a child…became unprocessed belief as an adult…

And getting past that mountain of false belief…

Is a second by second endeavor…

Because lets get honest…

Nobody wants to sit and talk about the fact..that your childhood was a terror…and that is such a nice word…and that sexual assault…and domestic violence are such nice words…such nice words…

And without you even knowing it..that childhood and all the shit that went down..runs every decision of your life…even if you can go pee or not…sorry..I am in blunt land….

And you sit in therapy…mine being EMDR…therapy..and it is valid like the day is long…

And you talk..scratching the surface of this past…realizing you have to process all this crap…so you can emerge…

That butterfly from the cocoon is damn real people…

Doing small talk…and then boom the time is done…

And you leave with your feet..lighter on the ground…

Because you are proud of yourself that you are taking these steps..

yet you sink into the quicksand right outside the door…

because…you realize the life you have been living..and what has been lost…

Because you believed this pure hateful nonsense…

And you want to run back into the office and be hugged and sob…

because you are so mad..so hurt..so pissed off at the wrong person…YOU…

because you are so filled with love..just not for yourself….

But you will do this…

Sit in these sessions…

And it is going to be hard…and wanting to bolt for the door..will happen more times than you can count…

Because this is how you get better….

And this does not run your life anymore…

And you do not hang with ass….. anymore…

And the tears running down your face..will not be from the suffocating pain…

But they will be from great gasps of air…propelled from scraping your way out of the cocoon…

Gasping in huge hicuppy volumes of air…filled with tears of laughter…

Looking forward..and not over your shoulder…in

Happiness(a word I was told not to use..because it is fleeting…hogwash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Of seeing and saying…without the eyes lowered…shame upon our brow…shoulders hunched…dealing with the 9 millionth headache….

Damn..did you see me….

Wow..this is what I was created to be…

And the journey continues…

 

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,892 other followers