Fear….

•September 30, 2014 • Leave a Comment

What is fear…?

There is the cliche of…..

False Evidence Appearing Real”

Explain that to me….

Is it false…or is it real…?

And it the biggest fear we have..compounded on by events…. words….actions…that make the false evidence appear real….hmmmm…..

Made me think for a minute…

My greatest fear…..I thought..was of being alone…

But it is not that….

My greatest fear is what being alone says to this world….

AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stinky potato chips..if that did not take long enough….

So in essence..I keep damaging people about…so it appears I am not alone….

And I cannot stand myself….at times…

And those that I hang with are well…living lives that damage….

And like being that way…damaged and damaging….

I know…I know…

But hey..at least I am not alone….(stupidest statement I ever said)

And they do not have to face being alone….because then all the demons come and play….

Right when you go to sleep….

Right when you think of a great color to paint your bath…

Right when you are on the cusp of figuring out that problem….making a discovery….

Right then..

Right when you should tell your child NO….but say yes and how many…

And then go whip yourself…..with alcohol..drugs…sex….

It is like defeat to say…

I like the sound of my space….

Or I do not need all this crazy touch…

Admit it people we have made ourselves over stimulated….thinking we need….electric touch…over and over again….and it aint ever enough….

Like going down that road of…you know what….and it is scary what one will do for that 3 second rush…

That evaporates….in 10 seconds….

Oh..by the way..I have never been one to mince words….

It becomes blasphemy to say…

I work well alone….with others about…

But I am one who makes solo accomplishments….

And that is how I pass on my knowledge…

My heart is too soft…and easy to get into…

So distraction makes me forget about me….and pursue you….

And I think…

I cannot be alone….

I think I must have the person in my life who drinks way too much…

Who smokes way too much…

Who looks at me as a money source….

Rather than a companion….on this journey…

Who talks smack about me…when things are not done their way….

Who would rather be abused…and then abuse….and smile…

Then step out of the fray altogether….

Does that make you want to be sick….yep me too….

So on this discovery I am on….

I have left my job…

Because I cannot be abused….

And then those watching think I will be abused…

And make something up that makes me abusive….

Nor will I stay in a space…

Where my only value..if I have any….

Is to take the brunt…full force..of your desire to wound…

So I guess…I will roar a little bit louder…

How about a lot louder….

At least one cannot say…

I didn’t warn you….

 

Evaluation…Review…

•September 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

You would not believe what is sitting out my window right now….

Those champagne colored deer….

5 to be exact….

4 and then the mommy….

It reminds me of a scenario..a place in my life….

Mommy of four sons…

And a few requests I made of God..this universe…

A reality moment…rather than illusion…

And I can sure use a reality moment…

One of the requests was to know..to be in my heart..that my sons were in peace…

They had found the reality of who and what they are…

And no longer danced in the fun house of mirrors…I have for near 50 years…

And now over this last week…and finally today….

They are nibbling on sweet Autumn grass…acorn eating fools…resting in the un-mowed grass…

Staying close…within sight of their mommy….

I am at peace…

It speaks to me…decisions made long ago…were the absolute best..right…and loving…

Another request was to be shown where I was to be employed…

And was the place I am at..the place to be…

And was I to ignore…and grin and bear it…because that is what we do…

For the good of the whole…

Whatever that means….

And Friday, last Friday…I had my review…my evaluation….

And the whole thing was a lie….

It is a weird experience to have your “boss” sitting in front of you..with lies pouring from their mouth….

And you watch it in slow motion….like some sci-fi movie….

Where you are to catch..the temperature in the room….

The feel of the furniture against your back….

The lack of eye contact…

The asking for examples…and nothing being shown….

And you realize….

You aint supposed to be here….

After this moment….your time is done…

It was not a waste…it was not a loss….

It showed me things…which I am still figuring out..

It mainly showed me…that I am skilled…I am an excellent teacher…

And it is stunning the amount of knowledge this brain and heart carry….

And yes…I will be just a little high on myself….

Now mommy and two of the deer children have sprinted into the woods…

While two lay in the grass…alert..but resting…

kind of like me….

My body feels like steady jello….

Relaxed in a crazy sort of way…

No headache…

No back and neck spine ready to push me into the humiliation of the ER drug world…

Nope…just watching a slight sprinkling of rain…

Healing….regaining self…

And that champagne dress…with pearls…

Resembles….the champagne deer…with white delicate spots….

Reclining…in the Autumn grass….

Got to make you wonder…..

My resistance….

•September 25, 2014 • Leave a Comment

My fevered resistance to step into my path…

The one dancing in my head…the picture which will not step out of the forefront…

Oh my resistance…

I work at a job..a position..that requires me to use my problem solving skills…

My teaching abilities…

My ability to accommodate to many people and situations..with a moments notice….

And to utilize the position of disability as an asset….

Rather than a negative….

You with me so far….

Yet I will not use these skills….

And skills is such a lackluster word for what they are…

Pure genius would be more accurate…

And again I will not use these skills…to pursue the dream dancing in my head….

The absolute peace…steady hands… despite the fact I have a disease which creates tremors like…well everyday breathing….ease in breathing…

Which comes about..once my hands touch fabric..or allow myself to believe…

I can make that….

Even though I never have…

I see this picture..in champagne gold…

sparkling with pearls..

swooshes about the hips…..

fabric that looks like butter….

yet pronounces like steel…

Yet I resist stepping into it….

Because why…?

I cannot count on the steady paycheck….

Cause who will want a pretty dress…?

Because work…is to be this place that suffocates you…

Locks all your skills into a box somewhere…and when you leave..they hand them back to you all covered in blood and stains…

because all one can do is work…work…and do nothing else…

Barely sleep and this is okay….

be afraid to clock in a minute late..because one might be written up….

To believe I am only available for…put this here…then this here…

over and over again…

I am not human…

I am not breathing….

So today..I took this day…

And I was going to make sure everyone else had their day ending with ease…

And then I paused….

Sitting in my zebra print pajamas….

I ordered books and tools…to make things…

I sat and thought about what I wanted…

And it will take a few days…

And thinking in grace..and I lack nothing….

Rather than I am screwed…and I need to be browbeaten….

To believe…what…I am not sure of….

But it is time to go from…

Dehydrated….yet I drink a gallon of water a day….

Fatigued….yet I work 12 hour days….

Deceived….yet I create and problem solve things never have entered my life ever before…

Disguised…carrying around a voice…which is not mine…

And watching the sparkle return to my eyes….

Am I available…

or am I resisting…

And someone tell me…

What does that champagne gold deer walking across my hard for the 5th time this week mean…?

 

The Need….

•September 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The need to have verification…the stamp of approval…that…

We are unwell….

A society splintered…

And our preference is wounds….

Sadness in buckets…

Rather than the vigilance to stay self accountable….

Too many moments in the last several months have caused me sleepless nights…

Body breaking down…

And anguish through me like a freight train…

And it is my fault….

I decided to not pay attention to the signs…

The flashing lights….dancing about….

I cannot blame it on anyone…just me…

I chose to say..to decide…

To not be aware….

To believe…I was just overreacting….

Had not heard something right…

Was misinformed…

Oh all the labels….

I provide for myself…

To hold myself in a constant state of quarantine…

Waiting for the day..for it to overwhelm me…

And belief I need to stick it out…

because someone has decided to keep hitting the snooze button…

And then one is standing on the edge of the precipice….

Jagged blades below…

And one has to jump…

Or die….

And I do not mean spiritual death….

I mean this body so destroyed…

This glorious mind…filled with such perversity….

That one wonders…why the body keeps shutting down…

And the seven deadly sins..actions…if you do not like the word sin…

Become daily…moment by moment habits…

And the raging beast is never satisfied….

I wonder…

How many blows…

How many sinister words…intentions of harm….

To get the stamp of approval….

That we…

“Are going to hell in a hand basket”

My favorite cliche…..

Mirror…Mirror….

•September 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

It is funny to me..at times how all situations in ones life…reflect..what one needs to attend to…

The same scenario will be played out…mirrored…

Just with a different set of characters….

And different settings…

Like what is happening in my personal life…

Is happening in my workplace…

Is happening when I go grocery shopping…

Is happening when I order books online….

All mirror the same thing…

And then when you travail through one thing that needs your moments….

Another arises until…

You grasp the result…

Like finding the Holy Grail…

And only you get the Oh…Ah…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I noticed… that the less I linger on the importance of things…

The longer the reflection…of myself stretching miles behind me…gets…

It is like looking in a mirror and having a mirror behind you…

And then there is another you behind that…and another you behind that…and another you behind that…

Never ending….

Like the never ending story….

The more I ignore…and do not recognize the image reflected….the person present…

Is like me buying books….my soul wants to read…and never reading them…

All I am doing is buying the illusion of time…

Someday…I will have the time…more appropriate is…someday I will make time…

Buying books…stacking up…really buying time…

Illusion I have changed things…

And all I have done…

Is blocked my view….

 

Have Courage…

•August 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Have Courage….

Real Courage….

Not one wrapped in a pretty box with a bow…

One that makes everyone smile…and see how easily…I have allowed myself to be played…

To be pleasing….

Acceptable…

Part of the group…

I am ashamed…

Being part of the group….as I bow my head..and offer my neck to the blade…

Led to slaughter…

I have forgotten me…

And the divine plan…of my presence…

And again I remember…

Not your punching bag…

Unmovables….Permanence….

•July 13, 2014 • 1 Comment

I was thinking about the variable of life change…things that happen in a life….

Which do not really change you…but may cause a different direction than one previously planned…

I guess they call that word flexible..adaptable…

But does it effect…the core..the soul of a being….

Like you and me…

???????

I read a piece by a fellow blogger about…claiming things for self…looking at how we are treated and regarded…before we sign on the bottom line…

And one must keep in mind…how we are treated before the commitment..is how we will be treated after the commitment…

Have no expectation that things will change…and suddenly one who has dysfunction…will now be clean and free…

A quote was stated…and I cannot remember the author’s name…but it goes like this…

Once someone tells you what they are…believe them…the first time…”

Now does that not smack you between the eyes..I do not know what will…

Because we tend to think we can make someone other than what they are…

That they are joking..did not really mean it…

And I hold up my hand..just like everyone else..thinking I had some magical power to make others…be something else…

Cause don’t you know…they want to be healthy…and they need change…and for some reason..we think we have the ability..looks..charm…whatever..to make that happen…

Make another put down the bottle…

Make another stop looking at porn..because we all know…like alcohol..it twists up our view of things…people….

They become objects for our sickness….

And my fellow blogger..commented…about…thinking before you commit…

Pausing before you take that act….

And holding onto those things we esteem as unmovable….

Things we will not do..and things we will not allow…

Yet always seem to find a way to be tweaked…

Like the situation I find myself in now…

And such juicy rationalizations….

And now it is time…for me..to be..what I told them I was the first time…

Unmovable….

Because watch….

You step into chaos…and think your charm and beauty..and smarts…can make it go away…because everyone wants peace and health…

See me giggling…at myself…

You will find yourself..screaming at the top of your lungs…

And no one hears you…

Sickness holds a mighty hand….

And like Misery

It wants company….

 
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