Have Courage…

•August 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Have Courage….

Real Courage….

Not one wrapped in a pretty box with a bow…

One that makes everyone smile…and see how easily…I have allowed myself to be played…

To be pleasing….

Acceptable…

Part of the group…

I am ashamed…

Being part of the group….as I bow my head..and offer my neck to the blade…

Led to slaughter…

I have forgotten me…

And the divine plan…of my presence…

And again I remember…

Not your punching bag…

Unmovables….Permanence….

•July 13, 2014 • 1 Comment

I was thinking about the variable of life change…things that happen in a life….

Which do not really change you…but may cause a different direction than one previously planned…

I guess they call that word flexible..adaptable…

But does it effect…the core..the soul of a being….

Like you and me…

???????

I read a piece by a fellow blogger about…claiming things for self…looking at how we are treated and regarded…before we sign on the bottom line…

And one must keep in mind…how we are treated before the commitment..is how we will be treated after the commitment…

Have no expectation that things will change…and suddenly one who has dysfunction…will now be clean and free…

A quote was stated…and I cannot remember the author’s name…but it goes like this…

Once someone tells you what they are…believe them…the first time…”

Now does that not smack you between the eyes..I do not know what will…

Because we tend to think we can make someone other than what they are…

That they are joking..did not really mean it…

And I hold up my hand..just like everyone else..thinking I had some magical power to make others…be something else…

Cause don’t you know…they want to be healthy…and they need change…and for some reason..we think we have the ability..looks..charm…whatever..to make that happen…

Make another put down the bottle…

Make another stop looking at porn..because we all know…like alcohol..it twists up our view of things…people….

They become objects for our sickness….

And my fellow blogger..commented…about…thinking before you commit…

Pausing before you take that act….

And holding onto those things we esteem as unmovable….

Things we will not do..and things we will not allow…

Yet always seem to find a way to be tweaked…

Like the situation I find myself in now…

And such juicy rationalizations….

And now it is time…for me..to be..what I told them I was the first time…

Unmovable….

Because watch….

You step into chaos…and think your charm and beauty..and smarts…can make it go away…because everyone wants peace and health…

See me giggling…at myself…

You will find yourself..screaming at the top of your lungs…

And no one hears you…

Sickness holds a mighty hand….

And like Misery

It wants company….

Giving yourself away..

•July 4, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I feel like I am being consumed…..

Placed on a giant platter..with an apple in my mouth…

Baked to perfection…..

Knowing at any minute..all I am is lost…

Defined by some definition..of what I should be..and how I should be it…

And in many ways…I have no one to blame but myself…

Except those who played on the miseries..one experiences in life…

And twists to their advantage…

Odd thoughts to be having on the fourth of July…

It is a day of independence right…?

The moment when it is true to us that we are free…have no constraints….no binds..and no problems..right..?

Then why do I feel like my head is being held under water…

That if I walk away..and actually put into action..I have value and purpose…

You will not turn back to the bottle…and your lasciviousness…methods one says does not exist…yet are as real as my breathe…

And why will I turn back..and keep you on the quest…

To stop thinking…and start feeling….

And bring oneself to the divinity within all…

It is hard..to say the least…

To listen to juicy rationalizations….and then see them paraded in the news….

Does anyone know life anymore…?….does anyone care…?

Children being chained in basements..like they are there as a personal playground for our sickness…

Children being left in searing cars..to suffer..until that life ends…

Sexting..texting..while the person next to us suffers….

Giving looks of vice and immoral eyes..to those we gave life to…

Proclamations that we have not sunk into a pit..we no longer wish to get out of…

We have no modesty…

We have no shame…

We have no desire…except in ill actions towards others…

We shut out parents..because they raised us wrong..or so we think…or do not act proper…they made us abide..and deal with the true struggle…

We beat others into submission..with our hands..which makes one weep…because of the thought..the beauty these hands were meant to create…

We threaten silence from our mouths..to those who were former partners….because they did not cooperate…and take away all that is precious to them..only to discover..we have killed ourselves…

Safety…Sanctity…Hope…

All just words now….

Replaced by…lust..greed..immodesty…my rights…

I only got one right…

To be a servant..in love…

The rest..well..is like getting a blow up doll..to replace a real person…and giving it to her good…

Just ignore the squeaks..and the air hissing out…

Sort of like the screams of a child…and life leaving…

Does not matter….

I got my rights….

What I am reading…and what I am seeing…

•July 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I find myself drawn to books about the human condition….

Human condition…the acts and motions..emotions within the frame of a human being….

Encapsulated within a skin..bone..joint..muscle..functioning organs..and life blood moving throughout..back and forth…

Human being

And within those books..I hope to solve the mystery of why we are the way we are..and why we persist..in living..operating..being the way we are…

And that aint no compliment….

In my employment…my career choices..I have obtained the title of trouble shooter….problem solver….

I guess the word would be consultant….

I along with others..have the ability to enter a workplace and find the “issues”…and address them with methods…others have not thought to use….

The human being..in life….

Always pause for a moment…

And I have also noticed..and observed in action…

That….“Misery loves company”….

Misery does not want solutions…or solidarity..or compassion…or movement in any other direction than straight to HELL….

And misery will introduce and make you dwell in all the levels….

Until your fingers burn off and your underwear is glued to you….any any hope is erased….

And when someone has chosen that….

There aint a damned thing you can do….

So now would be the time….to grab what life you can salvage…and find your smile again….

So as I have noticed this in the workplace..and then utilize the best techniques….one can hope for..and watch life return to some…

Yet see hate multiply…

And it does not just dwell in the work building…

It has infiltrated our homes…

And we are trying to make it look pretty…

Myself..thought a pretty coat or two of paint would make it shine..and it would go away..

Maybe some nice curtains to soften the sharp edges….NOPE….

Maybe good meals and shiny toilets…rather than neon mac and cheese…and “what the heck is that in the toilet” ?

NOPE….

I thought we knew how to solve problems..and dwell in light…

And maybe at one time we did…

But not anymore…

So we read books…on happiness..because we do not know what that feels like…

And we read books on respect….so we know what it means…if we ever encounter it….

And we read books on everything….because so much is gone…

And maybe books will help us remember…

I still remember…

I know what it feels like to not be in a panic..

I know what it feels like to hear “thank you”…

I know what it feels like to be treated like a lady…

I know what it feels like to not hold my breathe and turn the other cheek…

But this is not about me..and never will be….

It has always been extending out from me…not dwelling from me…dwelling within me…

And then taking that moment…the one you will never get again…

And being..the human being….

Not asking you to scale the mountain top…

Or read another book…on the ways..habits of how to grab your heart back….

Not any of those…

Yet remembering what was made in you…God infused…and can never be lost…except to self..wrapped in misery…which you know..loves company…

It may seem..that you are spending days…trying to break through a wall..made of the finest steel..to last way past a lifetime…

And some moments..you are…

But as I read…and my eyes are cast..over the top of the book….

I am thankful..some have stopped to write..and remind us..that we are not created to be animals…

We have chosen to be animals…

RESPECT..HOPE..LOVE..

Are far from dirty words….

 

Random

•June 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

 

 

Faith Wavers….

•June 10, 2014 • 1 Comment

Faith wavers…but at least I can admit it…

My faith in people..seems to always be on the shelf and space of…this is not going to be good…

And perhaps it is because…my past history makes me jaded….

Yet I am not entirely convinced…that is truth….except possibly in some rare moments of my stupidity…and I let my misconceptions of self..rule the thoughts and words…

The majority of it comes from experience…

I was asked the other day…why do I present so well…?

Why am I so sure…and able to explain who I am as this being..and have knowledge of my weakness and my strengths…?

And it did not take me a moment to answer….

I know me…I have set out to be the best I can be…

I know…sounds like a motivational speakers thoughts…

But it is true…and it has been the guiding course in my life…

Knowing me..and not letting the events of my life..form me into something..I was never created to be…

My goal..has been and always will be…to be what GOD..created me to be..

The being of such splendor and majesty..created in His image…

And not the world…

Because in all honesty..too much of this world stinks…more than my nose can bear…

And this is where my faith wavers….

When I cast my eyes upon mankind..and hope they will..shall we say..step up to the plate and be well…human…beings…

I find my faith shaking like the trees raging in the thunderstorms…almost panicking because who knows when the blow will come…

And when one wavers in faith..one wavers in self image..not self awareness…

And the image becomes tight and constricted..and awfully brutal…and it is hard to come out of that really dark space…

You see yourself as ugly..one of no value..purposeful…and easily able to be the last one considered in everything..and responsible for all that goes wrong…

And you believe people…

So sad…

Instead of believing God…

And my word…how the head drops…

As one views themselves through selfish human beings..seeking self….

Might as well as take a bullet to the head…and that is about what they ask…

So they..can keep about..with their tasks of greed..and self purpose…

And I took the bullet…

I believed…and it almost was my last breathe….

And I sit here and write this…faith wavers…

But I thought this..as my chin is not so close to my chest..and my eyes are looking a bit up…

And there is a daisy in my sight line…

Lifting its head towards the heavens..towards its Creator…and it belieevs it is majestic and has a purpose…

Then so must I…

So must I move aside from the “opinion”..and seek what I am…

Even if it means..leaving behind…those that speak of love and grand gestures..of illusion…

Because how can one persist..and why should one persist…with those who enjoy…

Faith Wavering….?

 

51 feels like 31….seriously…

•June 4, 2014 • 1 Comment

I was…and by the way..will always be..the mother of four sons…

Hold on a second..my breathe just caught in my throat…four sons..who now….all look like gigantic beauties carved from some priceless gem…

here at 51..I feel like I am 21..31…

More like 31 because at that age my youngest was just cresting on the hill of about to be two…and the oldest was about to be six…that is the span of time between the first and the last…

Now back to the point…

I am still that person….

Still trying to figure out…

Why am I so tired…?

What the heck is that on my clothes..?

Why can I not remember what I came into this room for…?

Why do I still take a minute and a half showers…?

And why does everything I do..remind me of the sweet smelling days of running with toddlers…?

There is not much difference between me then and me now…

No less anxious..

No less concerned about how to coordinate work and time with my significant other…

No less concerned or preoccupied…how I will make dinner..and have time to run to the store and get the milk..I have only thought about getting for four days now…

No less noticing of my body changing from having babies…age does similar things….

And that which I thought was ugly or caused my body to not be attractive..are still myths I carry in my mind..and no one else…

I am still that same woman looking in the mirror…no beauty has been lost..actually some gained..

Only difference is this…I really like me now…

I like the mind..which has so many things going on in it right now..it will explode..and all the ideas..dreams..and desires will play out in front of me…

And age has nothing to do with it…

I am just getting started….

The body..that created four sons..who by the way are BEAUTIFUL…..

Still is beautiful…

It may have a couple of extra pounds…and some things have attempted to go South..but that is reality…nothing like a walk and a bike ride wont remedy…or even a day of fruit….

My eyes are still a sparkling blue..

I still snort when I laugh…and just like when I was 31..little things escape…age did not make that happen…

My smile is still as dynamic…

And my seriousness has not abated….

Loss..grief..disaster..and abuse…has not abated my love…and my knowledge that I can change things…

I do every day of my life….

I am still the mother of four sons..Brendan..Donovan..Alexander..and Nolan….

I am my father…Frances Thomas Albrecht’s daughter…

I am my mother Charlotte Joan Carroll’s daughter….

I am a sister…

I am a partner…

I am a co-worker…

And in each..no less or better than I was in younger years…

I still run my house the same…clean..and comfortable….putting your feet on my sofa..is accepted…

I still read the same things..and have tried to venture out..but I still stick to books about the human condition….

I live today…and tend not to worry as much about tomorrow…

Things will come as needed…

They always have…always will…

People will like me..and love me..or they wont…

And I have no hand in any of that…

I must be me…

I must like me…

I must love me….

In every thought back of yesterday…

Would not change a thing….

No regrets…

I was me…

And that in itself is a feat..one should find worthy to love…

 
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