Truth in a not so pretty package….

A friend of mine at work last night..made a comment…and I love it…

“People need to get back to church”

And I never heard a truer statement….we do….

We need to put on a big person pants and go to services..over and over again..

And not the ones with the big clangy music..that all it does is send one into a frenzy..and their brain absorbs all sorts of garbage….

Nope one needs to go back to church..where reverence is spoken…and one sees how we are to act as human beings…

Because honestly from what I see..and what my coworker sees…we are in desperate need of some straightening out…and I include me in that list….

And we have too many..way too many reasons for not being there…

Where is God..?

All they want is my money…

They are doing this..and they are doing that…

All it is…is a show to see who has the bigger car..shorter skirt…and best job on their chest…

I have a few responses..even maybe a few answers…

Where is God…? Look around you…pause..put the coffee down and the blasted cell phone…do you feel Him now…he is part of us..a living breathing life force..that is ever present..at every second…we just shut it off…

And God is present..even when we blame him for everything that goes wrong..but it is our own hands..our own choices…and we can barely slow down long enough to see that…

All they want is my money…

It took a long time for me to decide where to place my funds…and oh how “MY” is not mine…it is time we realize it is my the grace of God..one even has money…

And God wants you..your best..you give him that first every day…that is what is meant by first fruits…

And use wisdom..why give your money to an organization that all it feeds you is marshmallow fluff…give your energy to an organization that feeds you truth..even when it knocks you into next week…That is what my friend meant by…we need to get back in church….

They are doing this and they are doing that…true they are…but you do not have to…

It reminds me of a book I used to read my sons…“What if everybody did…?”

Or the great quote from our parents..” Well if somebody jumped into a pile of poo..do you..?”..apply that for a moment to many situations….yep….

All it is..is people doing a fashion show..or showing off what they have….

Right again…but we need to look in the mirror for that one..because we made it that way..

Our role models..that we have chosen..are movie stars and reality television who’s …and they govern our world…

Stop participating in the game…read different material…stop buying..buying..buying….and look to some others for role models…and talk to God…

Return to participating in life..interaction…put the blasted phone down…stop whining…and do something that no one else is doing…go figure…

Something to make me sit up straighter….

Is that not the saying…? That made me sit up straighter..pay attention…not quite focus on me…

Some things made me sit up straighter today…

One…Peonies in the farmers market..and the intoxicating pull of their simple..old school beauty…reminded me of Maureen O Hare..simplicity….my mother…Charlotte Joan Carroll…

Made me remember how the simplest of gestures…the smallest of steps can change a course..can refresh..uplift…how one can not allow another to direct or designate who they will be…because they cannot see their hand in front of their face….

Two…Strawberries sweet and divine…red..ripe…with a touch of honey…

Made me remember and think about eating strawberries with my sons…puckering once or twice…and how nothing that happens can change the fact that I love them…

Three..Sharing a meal…cheese pizza…like they make in New York…and being sliced and diced…to make themselves feel better..and realizing we rely to much on others to be a human being…

Four..reading a quote…

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less”… C. S. Lewis

It made me sit up straighter…adjust my attitude…stop giving energy to the fun house ride…and realizing…I got it made..I live in paradise…there is nothing for me to complain about…and if there is..it is by my own hand…I allowed angst..hate..control in…and love left the building….

Hmm…not thinking I am less…no self deprecation…just taking the focus off of me…and looking at this majestic world…

Isn’t that love…?

The answer I thought…not there….

I want the compact precise answer..that buries me..makes me the bad guy…or gal in this case…

But it is not coming this time…

I cannot…or will not give that parade anymore time….

It has stopped me from being where I need to be…

It has cemented my feet to this ground…one that brings tears to my eyes….

And too many people that I know..or I encounter…have the same boulders riding with them as constant companions….

And I do not know how to explain this…

But many who might glance upon this post..get it…like being smacked with a two by four…right between the eyes…

Taking the blame..not speaking up…being the ninny…so another can feel better for basting you in hot sauce…and then making you apologize because you did not bring enough napkins to clean up with….

It is like constantly picking someone up from the floor…and then watching them coat the floor with wax…because they want company..and they enjoy watching the slip..slide..and crash….

It is what keeps one awake till near 4am…when work awaits just a little bit later..

But my jaw relaxed..and my shoulders are now hovering a bit below ear level…and the cramp in my calf..is abating…

And I am thinking..it sure is not the thought I was thinking..or answer I thought would come…

It is completely different…does not pummel me into the ground..nor make me scramble..and fix something I did not break…

It is truth..and it smells a lot like roses….

Go figure….

Breezy Moments….

I did something last night..that I do not think I have done in a decade….relax…simply celebrate that I am a human being…who works hard..and never quite relaxes…so I did…

It was an interesting dynamic to be placed within..not getting up and cleaning something…just enjoying being…

It had been a beautiful day..awoken to a slight crispness in the air..as the weather..the season here..is trying to figure out what it wants to be…

As the day progressed..a warm like lets eat french toast breeze came about…perfect for Mother’s day…and I took the moment to well relax…and not think about much..

After work..I went out..way past the celebratory time frames of this holiday…and that was the best part…no one tried to guess why I was there…or how old I was..or how many children I had…I just was…

Eventually my desire to sit up…went away and I kicked out my legs and lounged out..and threw my head back over the chair edge..and did something unusual..I breathed…

And I only thought about right then and there..not yesterday..or the what ifs..and the might haves…or what was everyone doing…or even..and this is the clincher….”should I even be doing this”…oh the statement we all can relate to…

Some apple pie and ice cream..ribs…a couple of ales..moments later…I got feeling back in my skin…and I remembered who I was…

I remembered that I was 50..and have laugh lines around my eyes…and they are probably..my best feature….and I look my age….

I remembered that I have a good heart…and that comes from listening…and being humble before God…and just loving the fact I got to wake up this morning…and be part of this day..no matter what it brings…even the stuff I do not like…

Like today is the 32nd year of my brother Glenn’s death…and I still miss him..alot..and they need a new word for alot..because that does not cover it…

And today I remembered how wondrous my brothers and sisters are…and for what happened in our life..we turned out…well..and I am proud of us…and I miss standing next to my sister Cherie…laughing till I snort…and I am forgetting what it feels like to be next to your family…

I remembered what it felt like to have the wind ruffle your hair…

I remembered what it was like to eat without guilt…

I remembered what it was like to laugh…

I remembered what it was like to hear truth….

I recommend a moment like mine…

Maybe have a cup of coffee…iced tea…a breath mint…

Just a pause…

A moment to get those shoulders down from around the ears….

So I get…that it is not the end of the world..that the toothpaste is almost out…and the toilet paper..well appears to be on backwards….and creamer in my coffee is allowed..everyday….

And when I think all is lost..I remember…my patient ever God..who persists with me…even when I have not opened his word for a week…so I persist…always with Him….

Dropping a few pounds….

I believe that this world is being consumed with sadness…and there is a desperate attempt by some souls to not believe all is lost…

It is a hard..at best place to be in…believing lies..no one cares..it is not worth the struggle…

And I know I do not stand alone when I talk about being weary…

And tonight I thought..when do we get to stop believing the lies..?

When do we get to have all the theories and explanations that describe you as a fruitcake..thrown out like trash…?

I spent too many years being told lies..and when I stood up to the lies..every attempt to annihilate me was endeavored upon…especially by those closest to me…

And I wonder what would have become of me if I had not fought so much..to demand truth and kindness…and the defilement of giving our word…violation upon violation…

And this mind captures it briefly..yet my heart gets it full throttle…

Honesty..hard work..determination..kindness…happy demeanor…are near about some of the most threatening behaviors one can have…

And to retain those…live discovering and in glimpses the truth about me..is a lonely field…

At first…

We are so enamored and super glued to the description the world gives us…and we make it our own…we believe it is us..and thus we act out the part well…

And what happens..with just one instance of someone refuting..showing us that we have been horribly lied to…? What then…?

What do we do with the history that says..you are useless…emotional..pathetic…frigid…garbage…and nobody likes you…matter of fact..you are 100% replaceable….what then…?

Well….perhaps you are shocked when you hear words such as…

“you are a good worker”

“you are so kind”

“you are a pretty lady..or a handsome man”

“you are smart”

“you have a huge heart…so loving”

How does that add up to all the garbage..ignoring..denying your existence..replaceable…methodology that has been the active member in your life..from what seems like forever….

It made me think about recent events in our world…

People without thought taking life..because it has no value…and it does not matter where you look…or how you make it look..it holds nothing….

People taking other people..and making them prisoners..well because they can…

And maybe this is the center..the crux of this…they can…and we believe and take these descriptions on to be truth..because well..if those you love are speaking them..they must be true…

And then steps in real life…

Employers..who would swear before a high court..that you are the best thing since sliced bread…

Students who credit their ability to understand and complete their art..to you…

Creations in paper..paint..fabric..words…which take the breathe away…

Simple statements…glad to have you as a friend..loveliness…

More things than I can count…and none of it adds up to the lies one is told…

And I sat still for a moment…and my heart wandered to a thought…

Does my choice..to follow light…bother others…?

What does kindness do to an observer..who has decided cheating is the best path..?

I realized that sickness is so prevalent in our society..we do not know the difference…

We barely flinch when life is taken…we almost decide the verdict and how the victim’s actions..made the event happen…

We can barely hear anothers voice..let alone their opinion..or thought because it is different than ours…

We demand things our way..and when they do not go our way..we are cruel..and that is a light..fluffy word to most behaviors…

I lost my family when I said infidelity..stealing…and fraud were not something we should be doing…

I lost my children because I could not and would not fill their pockets with trinkets…

And I do not know how to describe this feeling…the feeling of finding me…

Of realizing..stopping dead in my tracks..that maybe something was wrong with the bubble I was living in…

I lost..but not really…they were never mine to begin with..it is like money..here today..gone tomorrow…

Kind of like people..here today..and when you awaken…they are gone…and did you do what you should have done with them..or did we just keep trivializing our gifts..to make them marginal at best…?

I got told today…that my friend..coworker was so lucky to know me..and have the privilege of knowing me…

And it stopped me solid..and I paused..and did wait for the kick in the butt..and the slap across the already bruised cheek…

And it never came…and something deep was pulled out..and it hurt…

Simple word LIE….and it would or felt easier to slip back into “other” thinking…

It is like the women who were held captive..and they are good..solid..happy…

Boy…that is going to upset some people…especially the ones who make the statistics..or say victims are this and that…

It is like Theories 101…

What do you do..huh..when they figure you out..finally discover that it is all a lie…and they are not the sad..angry person….?

I do not know about you…but I do not think I want to stand so close..or even be near that..

Because truth..has this way of setting things on fire….and there is not way..no way of putting out that flame….

Trust….or not to Trust….

Feels like that should be the opening words for many encounters…

Interviews..definite on blind dates…dates..meeting the parents…many things…

One thing I have noticed about the word trust is my choice to trust…and not anyone else … that seems to be the crux of it…am I willing to trust…?

My lack of ability or desire to trust comes from my choices…my history..and I can blame it on others and say they have allowed me or not allowed me to trust…but not really…I have chosen to…or not too..and I am the one that has chosen and placed myself in precarious situations making trust..not even coming into focus…

Yes I agree there are many and varied times when trust is not an option…it is sort of like being smacked and then being told..”I love you”….it makes a jumble in ones heart..not easily fixed…

And I think people need to earn trust..prove that they can hold a position..back up what they say…and be respectful and responsible in a relationship…

Yet I cannot…nor will I attempt again to make someone be trustworthy and then try to operate in the schematic I have chosen in my life…to be trustworthy..

People can look at my history..anyone’s history and make deductions and can see if there is availability to trust or where trust needs to be something shown as a valid and worthwhile endeavor in their life…

Me  seeing my child…friend..partner…doing drugs over and over again..when they say and know how it harms them and puts others in precarious situations…and blindly handing the car keys over to them…or putting my faith in them to handle situations..is as foolish as me bungee jumping with a rubber band….

Me believing my partner has the best intentions and cares for the family and relationship in mind..yet goes and cheats..lies..steals..and does everything opposing to the relationship….is as smart as me…using a chain saw to slice bread and hoping it does not mark up the counter….

Watching and repeating actions that continue to support no trust..only digs me farther into excuse..and I stay and hope my example(and please laugh at that)…will cause them to be respectful and trustworthy…makes me stay and stay..and believe in many cells of my being that this is what it is…and see….see..they are not trustworthy…and this is my cross to bear…insanity….

So I can choose to love..yet not support..and not get sucked into the vortex of believing that I am not trustworthy because they say so..simply because I do not support their choice…their space to be…

Yet my choice to stay there and believe this one more thing will be the ticket…the one thing that will make it all okay..is foolish..and my choice to ignore the obvious..and my unwillingness to not trust myself and what this majestic world is showing me…

My choice to believe I cannot learn…

My choice to not trust…from my history..

Only places me in positions where I spiral into not trusting anyone…and placing my trust in those who have shown they do not deserve it..right now…and entering and/or staying in those relationships that feed that belief…

Because one cannot find trust…create trust..define trust…as long as I am holding onto a thought..which will rule my world…that says no one is trustworthy….

I have to figure out and look past the “show” to find the trust and enter into spaces which show and grow trust..

And frankly..stop saying…well this is the way it always has been…

Is that not the definition of insanity…?

Keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…

Hmmm…..

Reflection

I have read a bit of posts lately on the bitterness many hold with churches….

And I for a brief moment in time held the same thought..the same opinion as many….

I felt they did service to no one..least of all those in need within their midst…and less of all to those in society who were searching…and thought that a place representing God could possible supply and answer or two…I found them to be more of takers of your hope and funds..than most anything…

And then I found that I was searching for answers through the slicked up..shiny paper..make me feel good magazine ads..of our time..not black and whites..which have the tendency to show the bumps and wrinkles…but glossy airbrushed illusions..which feed us in a comfortable way…yet is like an alcoholic thinking just one sip will be okay..I got a handle on this…

I thought I had a handle on this…I thought I grasped the views I was fed..the words of feel good…nonsense..and then drop your money in the plate….and if one does such..they will have favor..and prosper…

Those who were struggling..were trying to figure their way through the maze…held no value..and were not succeeding….and just were not getting it right…because it was a struggle…plain and simple…

Like I said..I was seeing many articles about..not believing..not choosing God..not even seeking because of all the hyped up..jacked up..reasons to not seek..or for that matter question..

It was like the voice I have lived with so long..the one that says…I can say something nasty back..they said something nasty to me…I can slap them..they slapped me first…I can flip them off..they took the parking spot in front of me..and I was there first…I can speak unkindly about them…they spoke about someone else..or they did something I do not like..and why bother to ask how come..I will just be well…nasty…

So many reasons to just refuse to see and not do much of anything…and most of all not believe..and hold what this world offers as to be truth…

And then I read about Judas this morning….and how he hung himself over money..popularity…

We want to believe it was about his sorrow about betrayal…but he had been doing that all along…

He hung himself because he got caught…and it was discovered that he loved money more than anything..and especially the one he was following and the gathering of men..who were seeking to bring hope to this generation…

We do not want to get caught..and when we do we get angry..and have such a defense…

I can hear the words now…because well I have spoken them..and had them spoken to me…and now I know better…

I can see when someone is focused on money and what can I get..what can I get…because God is showing that as a reflection to me..because it is something in my life which needs attention..it may not be at the level of someone else..but for me personally..it has its points of daggers in my life..and is causing me..separation from humanity..and most of all God…

When I see something..and it pinches in me..I pay attention..and try my darndest to not numb it away…

When I judge another on appearance…too much this and too much that..why are they hiding..I know it is a reflection on me..very little here..very little there..and I blend..become the wallflower…

When I am at work  and I am adding up in my head what I might get for the day…and how I will lack if I do not do..double shifts…or my coworker who is dropping to their knees because they are exhausted from constant work..to have the car…the phone..I am being shown they I do not see my provision..how I have the very best..it is just colored in a different way…and I am truly not in trust….and I honestly believe….I got this….nope…

So that is why I am paying attention..especially during Holy Week..but even more so this year that I ever have before…to Judas…and the woman who anointed Jesus with costly perfume…

Because too many times I have found myself holding the money pot…and giving it my heart and soul…and at one point I was hooking the noose around my neck…

And too many people are finding out way too late..and are in despair..which is exactly the place the world wants them…that money is nothing when it rules your world…

And they are hanging on the edge of the box..by their toes..rope cinched..

We do not got this people…not even close…and the glossed up ads are lies…

I am going the other way of Judas..because I do not want to even think about putting the noose around my neck…I have the t-shirt from that play….

I am going the way of the woman..in tears…not even able to look at Jesus..because she knew she had been playing the game…so in her way..she took what had immense value to her..and poured it at his feet…and I can only imagine what that felt like…and how Jesus lifted her head to him and smiled…

And in the same breath..he sat in grief…knowing love had lost a good soul to money…to some paper..we make king…

And I have a feeling..it was one of the saddest moments for Jesus…as with anyone..to lose life over something that kills it….