feed it..or not….

•October 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

feed it..or not…..

feed it..or not….

•October 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Ever been resting…trying to rest….

And knew something was up…amidst…about….?

The heart has a hard time maintaining steadiness….

it rushes..gallops and then skips beats….and then apologizes and lets one rest for the moment….

And there is something lurking…

How perfect for the Halloween season eh…?

But it has nothing to do with that….

And everything to do with what is happening today….

Decisions have been made on faith….

I was going to say blind faith..but faith is not blind…

because if one focuses…gives the energy into faith..which in my definition is the consistency to maintain belief…

And not necessarily in anyone but you..to do the most gracious thing for yourself…

I put faith that in all my searching..EMDR Therapy would help…

Because when one has unprocessed memories..real time events in them..they are blocked up…and it festers..and distorts..and oozes darkness into the bloodstream..which feeds the heart and brain…

And I signed up to do art creations..to incorporate my textile design into clothing that dances in my head…

Real as the day is long….

And I agreed to take a skills test…which the tester believes will be one of the easiest things I have ever done…

And that is supreme that another can see you..when you struggle to see self…

So I can do this job….

And work…in a space..that does not require my blood…or my breathe…only my hands and mind…and duly compensated…

Odd Huh…

Is that not what I said I was worth…Is that not value I had determined for myself…

And it appeared like the sun..right in front of me…

And something tells me..that being trapped for years…because I had no means…by really poor decisions…

Is not going to be my life now…and that leaving can be done…in faith..love…and the Universe..God..the bounty of this world…

Will provide….and it will be the smoothest event I have ever done…and no explanations will be needed….

They will know…despite the WHAT?

And maybe I am shaking in my boots….

Because I am asking for what I want…

And I am

well…

loving me….

The most valuable asset…I will ever have…

The Unknown Number Adventure…..

•October 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Once you realize..your method of ignoring things in your life…is not working….

All the cliches…that make no sense…

And just make you feel stupid…because you cannot seem to grasp…the beauty and sunshine…in loss…

Loss of a job…

Loss of a relationship….

Loss of a family…

Loss of understanding…

Loss of a loved pet….even the goldfish…swimming circles…

And the inability to feel anything but crazy…24/7….

You realize it is not working…and try a different route…

You got to..or it is bye bye to this round of life…

And oops I failed again….

So before I took the silver bullet of despair…

I ventured down corridor….number 5 zillion…

And here is what I found…

When you look in the mirror and touch your throat…

And say true things about yourself..beautiful things….words that state willingness to change….and you agree..this path aint working…

You will find your throat getting all goopy…and you have to clear it…and 10 seconds before it was clear as the night sky….

And you will avert your eyes….

And when you look up…you will see deepness….in those eyes….

And when you state things like they are happening now….and tag onto it..I am worthy….

The phone rings…

And when you say….even if it is a whisper in your heart…because you are afraid of anyone hearing it…”I am willing to change”…

Change happens….

And things get tight for a moment….

It is controlled chaos..the very best….

Because all the hate we feed….fights to leave….

You got to know that…

And things thin out….

And what is real and genuine..shows itself…

And you find what you have been making yourself believe….

So my adventure….my first adventure…has begun….

Reading Quantum Physics….

And realizing…seeing with these big, blue eyes….matter shift and change right in front of me…

And how my words made life….

And why was I so complimented and in such a rage about an insult….

Simply because I believed it….

The reason I was so in an uproar….was because…I believed I was that person..momentarily described…and I had enacted forces to support my beliefs….

Kind of crazy like that….

Everything I believe and speak about..I create right in front of me….

Makes one shake in their boots…

Because I have a choice….

I can believe I am a being with infinite possibilities and endless options…and this world is a bounty…

And that everyone in my path…EVERYONE….is a teacher…has something to show me…something I need to learn…and there are seasons…always….

And that I can speak whatever I want into my life….that words shift everything….

Because words support belief…and they cannot help but to give us what we ask for….

OR…

I can believe everyone is out to get me…I am the only one with problems…and I am doomed to be abused…

And that suffering makes one pious…and kind….

OR….

The above….

So here I go….

Running again….whewweeeeee……

Crunches and squats…..

Strange work for a 52 year old woman….

Signing up for things…I would never have done ever…

But after a few statements of…”I am worthy”….

Well…The bucket I had for things was not big enough…and it kept filling up and getting bigger and bigger….

And all of them were real…and possible…and happening….

I am no longer rejected….I can only be if I reject self….

I am no longer unloved…..I can only be if I do not love self….

I am no longer meant to sit in a hole and be buried by others lies….I can only be if I refuse the view from the mountaintop…

And I can always be there…the view from the mountaintop….even in loss…and problems…

Because now I am dealing with them with knowledge and pure love…

Not all the things I was told from others…because they hated and wanted company…and want anyone who speaks life gone….

They want people to believe they are their punching bags….it is called sick co-dependency….and run people…run….

Speak and watch it happen….

Funny….it really is that simple…..

Wondering….

•October 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I am not sure if this path of wondering I decide to take…is the best course…

because there is the tendency to make horrible things prettier….

And that is not something I need to do right now….

I need to acknowledge that I am over my head…swimming in the unknown depth of the deep end of the pool…

And to be honest..we place ourselves there…over our heads…

Trying to rescue ourselves from our own thoughts that became actions…

And as children these issues are placed inside of us…

And then the journey to adulthood is covered in beliefs….that make your blood run cold…

And the thing is..we are little children in big bodies…

If not…

tell me how you think about yourself….Pause…

Are not most of your thoughts about yourself…ones you carry from when you were 2…6…8…13…?

And they are not the good things….

because if they were….

Would I be sitting here…writing another post about how bad this hurts….?

Nope..I would be living my life…

All those clothes I see in my head…the ones I design and make fabric for…

All the colors bouncing around in my head….that I know..I just know…are from creations I make…

Would be present in front of me…

I would as they say…”living the dream”….

now I spend my time running from it….

Right into the arms of insanity….

To a job..that tells me I am no good…and continually tests…so nothing will ever be okay…no level…no accomplishment will me good enough….

To a relationship…where one is lied to…demeaned…and you believe you should stay in..because well they are so weak…and you need to make them stop drinking…because they are helpless…

Yes they are..they made themselves that way…and I am helping them along the path..of lies and deceit..and “it is okay…keep doing it…I will go along with it”…

Come on people….

This is not like I am being a servant to one who is purely defenseless….like children…

This is a grown ass adult..who I am telling…”hey keep on abusing..lying…and all sort of other things that will make your stomach churn…”

Because I am supposed to be their guide..teacher…WHAT????????

Because I know better than them…

Obviously not…because I stay here holding their hand…while they stab me with the knife in the other hand…

Obviously they got more on the uptake than me….

Unless I leave…

And this is simple…

But oh how I love to make this complicated…

We want to believe we make others better..we make them change…

But it is not true…

We do not have that power…

That power that energy is held within us..each of us..to change our worlds…and then it spreads out like a wave..the domino effect…and impacts so many….

And they can take it and run with it…create awareness…of how we are killing ourselves…

And make change

OR

keep doing what they be doing…

Choice is ours…

A person is a catalyst….

And some of us…

And I will raise my hand for this..need many people to show them something…

Something that needs repair within ourselves….

Not the other person…who needs repair…

Me….

And it usually shows up..in the form of the ugliest…creepiest truth we believe about ourselves…

And because we believe it…it creates a world..that validates it…

Everything you do..see..taste..smell…reinforces that belief….

Some people are good…true intent to heal….

But they usually do not show up..until well..you do the work…

And not apologizing for your existence….

but acknowledging….your majestic existence….

And they usually are not in the form of a drunk..sex addict…or person who talks down to you…

Shocker Huh….

That is the catalyst…

But we so ignore the pinch in the chest….

And the…going from looking at yourself and thinking..I look pretty sharp today…or wow look how I did on that presentation….

TO…

Seeing every spot on your outfit…and the hair not washed…and all the stutters of your presentation…and what was I thinking…no one wants to hear that anyway….Geesh….

It is not easy to leave…make your exit…

because we feel sorry for another….and we get locked in….

We have told ourselves we are incapable…so everyone else is incapable…and it goes round and round…and round…

And the next thing you know..you are puking in your Wheaties….

I am…

So I am leaving that which I have known for 52 years…to something I have not known…

With paralyzing fear…of being alone…

Paralyzing fear…that I will never stop weeping over the abuse…and it will forever make decisions for me…

The decisions that make me throw..them against the wall…

The paralyzing fear..that I will never be pretty enough..lets be honest…cute would be nice…

The paralyzing fear..that I will never be loved….

And the most paralyzing one is this…

The fear created in me as a child…which says…

You deserve to be beaten…

You deserve to be starved…

You deserve to be used as a sex object…

You deserve to sit in the dark…waiting for the next bomb to go off…and which body part of you will you lose now….

And the one that believes I am nothing…pointless…useless…

So I got to go…

I have to stay in EMDR therapy and make these real life events…just events…not truths about me…

I have to realize that I need to keep reading these books about healing my life…I have to…and do the exercises in them..even if I can barely mutter the affirmations…

Because one day after telling my mind this..over and over….it will connect with my heart….and life will happen right in front of me…

The life I am meant to live….

I got to say goodbye to someone who cannot tell me they love me..and why….and everything I do..that is good..they hold in jealousy…because they choose not to…

I got to go…

Because like I told my EMDR therapy lady….

It is do or die…

I have got to find out the truth….

Even if I lose everything….

Even if I find out everything I believe is one big lie…

And maybe..I will find out that women are subservient to men…

Or that I should feel so lucky that someone likes me…

Or that all I am is a woman..female gender….

But something is beyond those trees…

And it is watching me…

And it knows…right now..not yesterday or 10 years ago…but now….is the time…

And I need to put down the whip of “should have done this sooner”…

And for the regret…the thought…of I may be making a regret…leaving someone behind that truly loves me…trueness…

Will be answered…if it fights for the life….

Not the slow killing of one’s soul….

Not the lies spoken to keep one from being alone….

TRUTH….

And the question is this….

Will I be able to see it when it makes its presence known…?

Or will I keep believing this….

Prayers are always accepted…..

•October 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Your hands and legs may shake, you may be filled with fear of the outcome, but you will never truly regret speaking your heart when you do. There have been many times throughout my life that I didn’t say something I knew I should have…something I knew that I wanted to but I was too afraid of getting rejected. Sometimes, getting rejected by someone is the best thing that can happen to you. It’s like the heavens are waving their finger at you going “nah ah” that’s not for you…you need to go this way instead.

This is a statement from a blog I follow….from..http://thebettermanprojects.com

Worth your time in every essence to read this and reread this….

This younger man than me….has made me think..even more so than I thought…and maybe feel is the better word…

I am told all the time..put away those feelings…think..what do you think about it…?

Well if I put away the feelings(and as an FYI..if one puts away, tucks their feelings away, it will usually cause an explosion..bigger than a bomb going off in a fireworks factory…) not a good plan...

So if I stick to thinking..I am a million ways to Sunday screwed..sorry about the bluntness…

Because what I think..especially about myself is trash..pure nonsense portrayed through logic and used against me…by my own hand..to shut off the conviction..the checks in the heart..so I will doubt…and not acknowledge and accept what I see or what I am being told..by this majestic heart….

Yikers…..

And here is when I swallow hard…and want to go shower with a Brillo pad and maybe some acid…and scrub till this being no longer exists…

Because what..or rather the trash I think about myself was formed from my childhood…we cannot help it…

Children do not have the ability..to process events…they are these wonderful feeling beings…that is why joy never leaves them…

After a certain age..and that is an age always in debate…they become like us..adults with no feelings and all thinking..with massive attempts to not think and numb those feelings…

You know how…like drugs…alcohol…sex…eating…careless and dangerous living..that usually endangers others more than self….inappropriate behaviors with our children that we think no one sees…but they do…that is why we drug..drink..and perverse our way through life…

Sounds like fun huh….

And because we spend all this time thinking…trying to figure something out that has no equation or solution possible…because it is not a thinking situation..it is all feeling….

We reel in and either become the monster…or are the monsters dinner for life…

I opted for the second choice…

And honestly..the first choice never was an option…

But standing at 52 years on this place..in pain..in more ways than I can imagine…I make myself invalid…

And I make my words lies….because when the monsters chews on you after you have spoken truth…and they vomit on you and tell you…well you are worthless…

What do you expect me to think about myself…?

Because when you tell the monster that being sexually with your daughter is well sick…they tell you they still want to do it…because it feels good…

And I think that is the hardest part of accepting this stuff…they enjoy it…

If you did not..you fight…

The story of my life…

And today I sit here…at 52..in a therapy program…I pray to God works…(and in me somewhere I know it will)…that is why I am in it…

Because it is my last hope….

Because all this unprocessed stuff as a child…became unprocessed belief as an adult…

And getting past that mountain of false belief…

Is a second by second endeavor…

Because lets get honest…

Nobody wants to sit and talk about the fact..that your childhood was a terror…and that is such a nice word…and that sexual assault…and domestic violence are such nice words…such nice words…

And without you even knowing it..that childhood and all the shit that went down..runs every decision of your life…even if you can go pee or not…sorry..I am in blunt land….

And you sit in therapy…mine being EMDR…therapy..and it is valid like the day is long…

And you talk..scratching the surface of this past…realizing you have to process all this crap…so you can emerge…

That butterfly from the cocoon is damn real people…

Doing small talk…and then boom the time is done…

And you leave with your feet..lighter on the ground…

Because you are proud of yourself that you are taking these steps..

yet you sink into the quicksand right outside the door…

because…you realize the life you have been living..and what has been lost…

Because you believed this pure hateful nonsense…

And you want to run back into the office and be hugged and sob…

because you are so mad..so hurt..so pissed off at the wrong person…YOU…

because you are so filled with love..just not for yourself….

But you will do this…

Sit in these sessions…

And it is going to be hard…and wanting to bolt for the door..will happen more times than you can count…

Because this is how you get better….

And this does not run your life anymore…

And you do not hang with ass….. anymore…

And the tears running down your face..will not be from the suffocating pain…

But they will be from great gasps of air…propelled from scraping your way out of the cocoon…

Gasping in huge hicuppy volumes of air…filled with tears of laughter…

Looking forward..and not over your shoulder…in

Happiness(a word I was told not to use..because it is fleeting…hogwash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Of seeing and saying…without the eyes lowered…shame upon our brow…shoulders hunched…dealing with the 9 millionth headache….

Damn..did you see me….

Wow..this is what I was created to be…

And the journey continues…

 

This is dragging me under…

•October 15, 2014 • Leave a Comment

If I let it…

Now that is the key point….

Many of us..I include myself…are trapped in a cycle of pain and suffering…

Many are confused and do not know…how this happened…

And some are aware…yet are terrified of feeling good…and claiming their life…

And some are like me…who know what is happening…and fighting…yet find themselves sinking below the water line…watching life from a sad perspective….

I never knew..honestly..until the last year of my life…that my words and thoughts about myself and this world would manifest right in front of me…

The Universe..God..gives you what you ask for….

Yet what I did not understand until recently..is that these patterns of thoughts are from events..instances…that molded our thinking…rethinking…how we view ourselves…from the subconscious aspect of our being…

They…the thoughts of self..the fears..are plugging away in there…making sure every step..backs them up…

Pretty hairy if you ask me….

Most of our experiences are imbedded in our physical body…

And most of them are non processed events….

They are stored in the huge…expansive warehouse of our minds..our soul…

And they operate everything….

Even the color I pick out to wear….

Even how and when I brush my teeth….

And until they are processed…they rule every moment of every day…

And everything revolves around them…

And nobody can state the power it should or should not have over oneself…

A snide comment…can have the same devastation as a blow to the body….

And the Universe will keep presenting that which we need to deal with over and over…it never stops…scary huh?…..

Just like the man in an occupation that requires him to do many verbal…group presentations…

And he is terrified of public speaking….

Hmmm…for no apparent reason….yeah right…See how the Universe works….

So I was seeing myself..repeating the same thing…over and over…

And I was pissed….

So I reached out…

And I got answers….

And I have to say…I was a wee bit uncomfortable….

I saw an intuitive….what I call a voice of reason…

And the energy I was giving off…about knocked her off her chair…

yet she maintained with me…

She told me…the person I was with was bad…bad…and the situation was bad bad….

And I know this….

But I believe I deserve this….

And it is from those unprocessed events..that one never got to deal with…

I knew it was bad…

Especially as we moved closer to my birthday….

he spent hours degrading me…lies…but that is the company he is used to…

And when I went away….into this being….he panicked…

And when he thought I was back….

he then began again….

And I let him….

I should have snapped when he took me to a place for dinner…that he went with a hooker…

because he was there to prove his theory right in his heart..that he was trash..and he destroyed everything….

And he does it well…I have to give it that….because he believes it…lives it…and the belief he carries…is enacted out in front of his eyes….

Just like you and me….

How many of us can raise our hand to this one….?

being with someone because we believe..we deserve..trash…

And our voices mean nothing….

And the crappy thing is this….we believe it…

So the intuitive recommends a book…and a few wonderful things….

And I got the book….

But as I read it…

And it hits me like a two by four every time I read it…and I let it do that…

But first I am doing a therapy…if you can call it that….

It is EMDR….take a moment and read about it…

Or if you are brave enough get the book…”Getting past your past”…it explains what happens….

And then as I read this other book….”You can heal your life”…by Louise Hay…

And I highly recommend it…

You start healing your life….

If you really want to…

That is the ticket…

because some of us..like to sit around and complain how beat up we are by others…and love the poor me role….

And they let others form who they are…

and in that breathe you are co-dependent…and you sabotage your entire life…

I should know..I did it and well…

But before I can change my thoughts…and start believing truth about me…

Like I deserved to do a dance on my birthday….and the world is right at my feet…

And I deserve stability..goodness..kindness…no abuse…and truth in my life….

I have to process…put away these events…

That make me…operate in a world that says…

I deserve abuse….

So here I go….

And I started on my birthday….

And it opened doors….

And I was not prepared how clearly I would see another degrade me…

But it was the best present I could ever give myself….

And I am not backing down….

Because one day…

I will believe…not so long from now…

And will say..this is what I deserve…

And it will be..right in front of me…

And I will not be scared…or live in fear…

Which is what the abuse wants me to do…

I will not believe that I will be homeless…

Or starve…

Or have no means to support myself….

I will believe…oh that I am as bright as the blue sky…

And nothing less…

And I do not deserve..being taken to a restaurant…and being treated like a hooker….

Oh yeah….

lets ring the bell….

 

Thought…

•October 14, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Thought…

Oh stop thinking that thought…

When you pay attention…

To your thoughts….one realizes…

How many…many…many lies we tell ourselves…

Most every thought is a lie…

I did a count…a measurement…

And the only true thought I had….

Was…I tell myself..and I believe lies about myself…

And the sad thing…is this…

We make the lie happen right in front of our face…

We draw it in…

And whammo….it happens…

And then as we are struggling to get to our feet….

Wondering..oh wondering….

What Happened….?

It happens again….

Just like that…

because what we believe…

About me…

You…

The person or thing you cannot stop thinking about…

Is created…

Oh my oh my…

The power of my thought…

And every thing in your life…

Will…

Guess what…?

Validate that thought…

And imagine..how many erroneous thoughts we have…

And what they create…

And every thing you that deals with those thoughts…

Will present themselves to you in living color….

Like me telling myself…

I deserve to not be heard….

And guess what..no one listens to me..

Do not care to hear what I say….

Act like it is all gibberish….(and it is)

And no one “gets me”…

I confuse them….

And another example..okay…

The thought I had..where men where superior to me…

Could tell me what to do..cause…oh my..I can barely unscrew a cap…

So every man I meet…

Even in the most sacred of places…like a church..supposed to be a sanctuary…

Or thinly veiled as a sanctuary…

I have men be superior to me…

And the kicker…

I let them…

Because I believe them…

I have the thought…

And surprise..not really…

It happens…with not a second to spare…

Just like the thought of thinking I deserved to be removed from my house…

I received in the divorce…

because I was sort of adequate in being a mother…

And then I was homeless…

And stayed that way for awhile..

terrified…

This thought…

Made aware…

Try this…

Find a problem….

And whether you stay at home…or go to a job…

See a problem…

And tell yourself..like in a chant…

“I can figure this out…I know the solution..and the steps…”

Say it in your head….

And believe it..just for a split second…

And I promise you…

The moment you speak it…

And believe it…

The solution will present itself…

We got to stop walking through this life..thinking we would have been better off aborted…

We got to…

Look around…

If we do not start believing that we deserve…beauty extraordinaire….

Given and used out of pure love….

This hate and lies..running a muck…will win…

Lets give examples….

Aids…

Domestic Violence…

Cancer…

Child Abuse…

Homelessness…

Hunger…

Addiction….

I already started…

But here I go again….

I deserve a beautiful birthday….

And to be acknowledged…that I was created to do great acts…

defined only by this universe…based in love…

And today….October 14, 2014…

Is only the beginning….

 
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